Do We Stop Visiting Our Daughter?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: "Do We Stop Visiting Our Daughter?"

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Callers: Ann & Bob
Date: December 19, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Ann and Bob, a couple grappling with how to handle visiting their adult daughter after she invited her alcoholic boyfriend to live with her. The discussion centers on family values, boundaries, and how parents can navigate relationships with adult children who make choices contrary to their upbringing.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Caller Context & Main Concern (01:26)

• Ann and Bob express distress over their 55-year-old divorced daughter allowing her alcoholic boyfriend to move in.

• The couple feels uncomfortable being around him and believes this lifestyle goes against their religious values and the daughter's upbringing.

  • Ann: “Our daughter has made the decision that this is going to be her lifestyle, which is against our religious principles, it's against the way she was raised...” (02:20)

2. Evaluating Parental Options (02:42)

• The couple wonders if they have any options to address their concerns or to change their daughter’s behavior.

• Dr. Laura’s quick response: “No, no, no, no.” (02:47)

  • She emphasizes that the situation is out of their control and they need to accept it.

• Ann: “Do we go out and visit and pretend like, hey, you're happily married, all that kind of stuff?” (03:00)

• Dr. Laura queries Bob directly about whether this is truly an option, to which Bob admits it’s not.

3. Upholding Values vs. Family Relationships (06:02)

• Dr. Laura challenges the notion of sacrificing one’s values for family harmony:

  • “I mean, let's pretend that's how matriarchs and patriarchs behave. They cave in their values.” (06:02)

• Ann and Bob are reassured by Dr. Laura not to do anything they’re uncomfortable with:

  • “Well, then I urge you not to do what you don't want to do. I urge you.” (06:15)

• The parents worry about legitimizing their daughter and her boyfriend’s relationship by visiting or having dinner together.

• Dr. Laura clarifies:

  • “You're not acknowledging them as a married couple. You're accepting your daughter's behavior.” (06:34)

4. “Sit-Down” Conversations & Realistic Outcomes (06:45)

• Ann asks if having a direct sit-down conversation with both their daughter and her boyfriend would be helpful.

• Dr. Laura responds with her trademark humor:

  • “You want me to laugh very hard or just a little hard?” (06:53)

• She explains that such talks are rarely productive when the adult child has already made up her mind, and advises focusing on their own boundaries and happiness.

5. Acceptance, Maintaining Contact & Grandchildren (07:13)

• Bob shares that, despite the situation, they still talk to their grandkids, invite their daughter and the grandkids to dinner (without the boyfriend), and avoid discussion about him.
• Dr. Laura calls this a positive outcome:
  • “Well then stop whining and complaining. That's pretty damn good.” (07:54)

6. Emotional Dynamics: Gendered Reactions (08:06)

• Dr. Laura notes a pattern of women agonizing over family dilemmas while men are typically more decisive:
  • “Why is it, Ann, that women tend to overwork this stuff while Bob's sitting there going, hell, I don't want to do that? … Why can't you be more like Bob?” (08:06)

7. Final Encouragement & Resolution (08:30)

• Dr. Laura reiterates that maintaining the ability to see their daughter and grandkids separately is a “perfect fix”—not always possible in such cases.
  • “That's wonderful that she will come out by herself without the drunk and have dinner with you. And I think you ought to consider that a perfect fix. 100% perfect fix. Can't do better than that.” (08:30)
• The episode closes with Dr. Laura affirming their approach and urging them to feel satisfied with the compromise they’ve reached.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (to the call’s main point):
  • “No, no, no, no.” (02:47)
  • “Get on with life.” (02:52)
  • “I mean, let's pretend that's how matriarchs and patriarchs behave. They cave in their values.” (06:02)
  • “You're not acknowledging them as a married couple. You're accepting your daughter's behavior.” (06:34)
  • “You want me to laugh very hard or just a little hard?” (06:53)
  • “Stop whining and complaining. That's pretty damn good.” (07:54)
  • “Why can't you be more like Bob?” (08:06)
  • “That's wonderful... perfect fix. 100% perfect fix.” (08:30)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:26 — Call begins; issue introduced
• 02:47 — Dr. Laura asserts the parents have no options but to accept
• 06:02 — Stance on upholding values
• 06:34 — Clarifying difference between acceptance and approval
• 06:53 — Direct communication with daughter/boyfriend dismissed as fruitless
• 07:54 — Dr. Laura calls their current boundaries “pretty damn good”
• 08:06 — Commentary on gendered responses to family conflict
• 08:30 — Final reassurances and closure

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Takeaways

• Parents of adult children are reminded that after a certain point, they cannot control their children’s choices, only their own boundaries.
• Maintaining other family relationships (like with grandkids) while drawing the line on what they won’t tolerate is both valid and sometimes the best possible scenario.
• It's not necessary—or even helpful—to repeatedly process, justify, or agonize over setting boundaries when one's values and comfort are clear.
• Sometimes, as Dr. Laura succinctly put it, “Get on with life.”

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Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Hi, thank you Dr. Laura, for taking our call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

My husband's here with me. His name is Bob. Hi.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, hi Bob.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

We're having issues as well as the whole family is regarding our divorced daughter who has invited a live in boyfriend to stay in the house and he is an alcoholic.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry, to stay in whose house?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

In her house.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh. Well, how old is your daughter?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

She's 55. She's an adult. But it's affecting the whole family and her siblings or extended family as well.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Because how is it effect? How is it affecting everybody?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Well, we don't care to be around him.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

And she, our dog. Excuse me. Our daughter has made the decision that this is going to be her lifestyle, which is against our religious principles, it's against the way she was raised and she has more or less said, this is what I'm doing.

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[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

So do we have any options or anything?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no, no, no.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And no one of your kids turned out like this? Sorry. Get on with life.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Do we go out and visit and pretend like, hey, you're happily married, all that kind of stuff. Or do because it's.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, that sounds that. That's that. Bob, Is that really an option in your mind? What she just said? Is that an option in your mind?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

No, really, we've pretty much decided we will not go to her house as long as there are guys around.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, because your wife just scared me.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I mean, let's pretend that's how matriarchs and patriarchs behave. They cave in their values.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Well, we don't want to and we're not.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, then I urge you not to do what you don't want to do. I urge you.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Yeah. Okay. Well, we feel that if we go to her house and visit and say, have dinner with them, we are acknowledging them as a married couple and it's almost.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, you're not acknowledging them as a married couple. You're accepting your daughter's behavior.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Okay, all right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's not the same thing.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

What is it? Would it be beneficial to sit down with both of them and explain to both of them?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You want me to laugh very hard or just a little hard?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

So it's.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How's that?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

That wouldn't get us anywhere then? No. Well, that's.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This is a big fu. Friends. So get on with your lives without it.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Yeah, well, that's. I feel like that's basically what she's done, you know? Yes, well, that kind of satisfies the question we had. Well, to me it. To me it reinforces our situation, our convictions. We still stay in touch with grandkids. We talk with her, invite the kids out to dinner and invite her to join us. And we don't. He's not mentioned, you know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, so your daughter. Wait a second. Question. So your daughter will come out to dinner with you and her kid? She will do that. Is that a yes?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Yes. Uh huh.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well then stop whining and complaining. That's pretty damn good.

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

Okay. Okay. Well, we just, you know, we don't know if that's the quote. Right thing.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why is it, Ann, that women tend to overwork this stuff while Bob's sitting there going, hell, I don't want to do that. Why is it you keep chewing on it, chewing on it, and he's sitting there going, I know, I'm not going there. Why can't you be more like Bob?

[Caller (Ann and Bob)]

What was that?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's okay, Bob. Anyway, I think it's wonderful that she will come out by herself without the drunk and have dinner with you. And I think you ought to consider that a perfect fix. A perfect fix. 100% perfect fix. Can't do better than that. That's wonderful. I was just going to ask if we could do that and I guess we could. That's wonderful. Oftentimes that doesn't happen, so give us a call at 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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