Enmeshment: Being All Tangled up With Another in Ways That Are Very Unhealthy

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Enmeshment — Being All Tangled up With Another in Ways That Are Very Unhealthy

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 28, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the topic of enmeshment—the unhealthy intertwining of lives, typically between parents and children, that can stifle independence and emotional growth. Dr. Laura explores the warning signs, psychological impacts, and pathways to healthier boundaries, drawing on listener emails, her own experiences, and recent research.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What is Enmeshment? (08:11)

• Dr. Laura defines enmeshment as being “all tangled up with another in ways that are very unhealthy,” emphasizing that it’s a genuine psychological term, not a pop psychology buzzword.
• Examples Provided:
  • Adults unable to make decisions without parental input.
  • Parents oversharing or seeking emotional support from their children.
  • Adult children feeling obligated to always include parents in daily life or major decisions.

Notable Quote

“It means you’re all tangled up with another in ways that are very unhealthy. It’s like a man who marries a woman who just has to talk to her mother and sister every day multiple times. Can’t make a decision without asking her mother. This is enmeshment.”
— Dr. Laura (08:15)

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2. The Warning Signs of Enmeshment

• Constant Communication: Multiple texts and calls per day, especially after a child leaves for college or becomes an adult.
• Emotional Priority: The adult child’s first priority is to address the parent’s emotional needs.
• Lack of Independence: The child is discouraged from developing their own identity or making independent choices.
• Family Over-Involvement: “If everyone in your family knows everyone’s business and as always feels free to comment or have an opinion, that’s enmeshment.” (09:15)
• Holiday Example: Expectation to always spend holidays at the parental home to avoid upsetting the parent.

Notable Quote

“Maybe you and your adult kids are still expected to spend holidays at the parents’ home and never your spouse’s because mom would be heartbroken.”
— Dr. Laura (09:55)

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3. The Impact on Children

• Guilt for Seeking Independence: Children raised in enmeshed environments can be “stricken by guilt for simply wanting and needing their own life.”
• Self-Esteem Issues: Enmeshed parents leave children with “no self-esteem,” forcing them to work twice as hard to gain confidence and independence.
• Difficulty Making Decisions: Adult children may feel insecure or incapable of making important choices without parental validation.

Notable Quote

“The silent message is you can’t really do life well without me. Sometimes the message is unintended, sometimes it’s manipulative.”
— Dr. Laura (11:34)

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4. Emotional Incest and Cultural Misconceptions

• Dr. Laura refers to extreme enmeshment as “emotional incest,” clarifying that being “so close” isn’t always a positive sign.
• She challenges the cultural narrative that close parent-child relationships are always healthy, warning that they’re sometimes celebrated at the expense of the child’s autonomy.
• “If you’ve really got to talk to your mommy or daddy, whether you’re a male or female, before you make major decisions… it makes you feel insecure, you doubt your own reasoning.” (10:45)

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5. How to Break the Cycle

• For Parents:
  • Learn to have a life separate from your children.
  • Build new relationships and hobbies that don’t rely on your child’s involvement.
  • Stop relying on your child for emotional fulfillment or practical support.
• For Adult Children:
  • Establish and honor boundaries (“There’s going to be a space where there was no space before.” 12:23)
  • Build a sense of competence and self-worth by making independent decisions and living authentically.
  • Acknowledge that “you don’t owe your parents your own life.”

Notable Quote

“The parent needs to learn to have a life separate from the kid. The kid needs to learn that it’s time for their own life and they don’t owe their parents their own life.”
— Dr. Laura (12:04)

Guidance on Boundaries

“If you’re the adult child, your task is to build your own identity and sense of competence, which is self-esteem. See? Enmeshing parents leave you with no self-esteem. You have to earn it. Everybody has to earn it—but you have to double earn it.”
— Dr. Laura (13:05)

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Memorable Moments and Quotes

• On Parenting Missteps:
  “Probably the most important thing about parenting, it’s a tough job. Everybody screws up a little bit somewhere. So don’t get carried away.”
  — Dr. Laura (05:00)

• On Inappropriate Parent–Child Roles:
  “Maybe you’re a mother who shares too much. I always consider that adult child abuse.”
  — Dr. Laura (08:45)

• Dr. Laura’s Blunt Advice:
  “Kid goes to college, mother calls me, how often can I text? How often can I call? And my answer is never. They know who you are, they know where you are and they know how to reach you. Oh my God. Can’t imagine not being connected to their kid.”
  — Dr. Laura (09:40)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Defining Enmeshment: 08:11–09:20
• Warning Signs & Real-Life Examples: 09:20–10:55
• Impacts on Children: 10:55–11:55
• Breaking the Cycle/Balanced Boundaries: 12:04–13:50

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Tone & Style

Dr. Laura’s tone remains direct, practical, and laced with her characteristically frank advice. She integrates anecdotes, listener questions, and a blend of warmth and tough love, making her message punchy and memorable for listeners seeking actionable guidance.

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Conclusion

This episode serves as a clear, no-nonsense guide to recognizing and dismantling unhealthy enmeshment in families. Dr. Laura arms listeners with ways to assess their relationships and—crucially—offers tangible steps for both parents and children to establish healthier boundaries, greater independence, and self-confidence.

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If the episode resonates, Dr. Laura encourages sharing and rating the podcast on your preferred platform.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But what do I mean by enmeshment? It's one of our psych terms that is not pop psych. It means you're all tangled up with another in ways that are very unhealthy. It's like a man who marries a woman who just has to talk to her mother and sister every day multiple times. Can't make a decision without asking her mother. This is enmeshment. An adult male who again, can't make a decision without his mother and he's there to emotionally support her. If she cries or upset, that's his first priority. Enmeshment. Maybe you're a mother who shares too much. I always consider that adult child abuse or dad that's very needy so your child gets the message. It's not okay to be independent. It's not okay to be separate. My job is to be a confident confidant or a buddy. It may never occur to that child, even as an adult, to not include you in daily decisions. Uh oh, multiple texts. Kid goes to college, mother calls me, how often can I text? How often can I call? And my answer is never. They know who you are, they know where you are and they know how to reach you. Oh my God. Can't imagine not being connected to their kid. The parent who expects, even demands loyalty doesn't really celebrate their child's independence unless they're able to live through that child's achievement. So the kid grows up, becomes an adult, can be stricken by guilt for simply wanting and needing their own life. Now enmeshments come in different severities. If everyone in your family knows everyone's business and as always feels free to comment or have an opinion, that's enmeshment. Or maybe you and your adult kids are still expected to spend holidays at the parents home and never your spouse's because mom would be heartbroken. Or maybe you spend hours on the phone with your mommy. You need to fill her so she feels like a part of things. This is remotely familiar sounding. Urine meshed. Basically it means an adult child or a child child is pulled to serve the psychological needs of the parent. Could be a lifelong job. I have always said on the air this is emotional incest. If you're one of these adult children, many people have maybe said how lucky you are to be so close to your parents. You may feel extreme guilt for all that your parents have done for you and you're supposed to be at their beck and call. All of this by the way, if you've really got to talk to your mommy or daddy, whether you're a male or female, before you make major decisions, unless it's something they happen to be a pro at, it makes you feel insecure. You doubt your own reasoning, decision making and capabilities. After all, aren't you supposed to check in with your parents before making big decisions? That's message. The silent message is you can't really do life well without me. Sometimes the message is unintended, sometimes it's manipulative. Good news, this can be fixed. The parent needs to learn to have a life separate from the kid. The kid needs to learn that it's time for their own life and they don't owe their parents their own life. Now for both the enmeshing parent and the enmeshed child, there's going to be a space where there was no space before. It was all so enmeshed. Can feel a little lonely, can feel a little odd. If you're the parent, you got to make other relationships and activities. Stop being reliant on your child for anything emotional and playing the game of the pipe. Can you come over and tighten the pipe? If you're the adult child, your task is to build your own identity and sense of competence, which is self esteem. See? Enmeshing parents leave you with no self esteem. You have to earn it. Everybody has to earn it, but you have to double earn it. Okay? All right, so be careful folks. We're so close. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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