Grandma Needs to Do Whatever It Takes

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Grandma Needs to Do Whatever It Takes"

Episode: Grandma Needs to Do Whatever It Takes
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: June 15, 2025
Podcast: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt and complex family issue brought forward by a concerned mother named Julie. The conversation delves deep into familial responsibilities, mental health challenges, and the delicate balance between parental support and personal boundaries.

Caller's Background

Julie introduces herself as a long-time married woman of 40 years with two grown children and three grandchildren. Her family has faced significant medical hardships from the outset:

• Son’s Illness: At five years old, Julie's son was diagnosed with leukemia[^01:15^].
• Daughter’s Struggles: Her daughter was diagnosed with microcephaly at birth, later identified as epilepsy, and other medical issues. Initially misdiagnosed, Julie shares, “They didn’t expect her to live, but she is doing everything they said that she would not do”[^01:15^].

Despite these challenges, Julie emphasizes the strong familial bond that sustained them through these tough times: “All of us in the family banded together and filled in all the gaps for several years”[^02:35^].

Emerging Challenges

Approximately four years ago, tensions began to surface as Julie and her husband noticed signs that their daughter might be suffering from PTSD due to the family's prolonged medical struggles. Julie recounts a pivotal moment:

“She was saying that she wanted to get a divorce... and I was very adamant about no, you cannot get a divorce. You have three children. That ship is sailed” [04:29].

This rigid stance, influenced by Julie's own experiences from a divorced family, inadvertently led to resentment. Julie later discovered that her daughter felt emotionally unsupported, exacerbating the strain in their relationship.

As the years progressed, Julie observed a worsening dynamic. Three years ago, she urged her daughter and son-in-law to seek counseling to prevent further fallout, stressing the impact on their children:

“You guys got to figure this thing out because the kids will be collateral damage” [03:00].

However, instead of reconciliation, Julie noticed a decline in her daughter's demeanor, describing her as “combative” and increasingly distant[^04:16^].

Dr. Laura’s Guidance

Addressing Julie's concerns, Dr. Laura offers a compassionate yet pragmatic approach:

1. Shift Focus to the Grandchildren:

   • "Spend as much time as you can with the grandkids. Your daughter's a little bit of a lost cause at this point, so schmooze up to her all you need so that you're there for the grandkids" [06:46].

2. Prioritize Grandkids' Well-being:

   • Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of the grandchildren's emotional health over the strained parent-child relationship. She advises Julie to “be nice to her” and cease attempts to mend the marriage or fix the relationship, redirecting her energy towards supporting the grandchildren.

3. Limit Direct Confrontation:

   • "Stop trying to fix it... You're needed by the grandkids, not by her" [08:14].

4. Engage in Positive Interactions:

   • Encouraging actions like taking the grandchildren to the park, Dr. Laura suggests practical steps to maintain a loving presence in their lives: “I'll take the kids to the park” [08:19].

Reflections and Conclusions

Julie expresses a willingness to adapt her approach, acknowledging the immense pressure she's under and her need to redefine her role for the sake of her grandchildren:

“Well, let me take the pressure off you, you know, You've had so much pressure. I'll take the kids to the park” [08:07].

Dr. Laura reinforces her earlier points, urging Julie to do “whatever it takes” within moral and reasonable bounds to nurture her relationship with her grandchildren, even if it means setting aside her relationship with her daughter.

Notable Quotes

• Julie on Daughter’s Resilience:
  “They didn’t expect her to live, but she is doing everything they said that she would not do” [01:15].

• Julie on Divorce Stance:
  “You have three children. That ship is sailed” [04:29].

• Dr. Laura on Focusing on Grandkids:
  “Spend as much time as you can with the grandkids” [06:46].

• Dr. Laura on Letting Go:
  “Stop trying to fix it... You're needed by the grandkids, not by her” [08:14].

Final Thoughts

This episode underscores the intricate dynamics of family relationships, especially when compounded by past traumas and misunderstandings. Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides Julie with actionable advice centered on prioritizing the well-being of the next generation, highlighting the sometimes painful necessity of redefining familial roles for greater harmony and support.

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For more insights and support, listeners are encouraged to visit DrLaura.com and consider becoming a Family member.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX. Julie, welcome to the program.

[Julie]

Hi Dr. Laura, thank you for taking my call. I will. I'm going to take a long story and try to make it as short as I can. So please interrupt me and ask me any questions in between. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. We have two grown children. Both are married. Our daughter and son in law have three children. Two. Two of the three children, the two oldest had severe life threatening medical problems when they were the second one, when she was born, the first one when he turned five he was diagnosed was this genetic. Oh no.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Leukemia.

[Julie]

No. Yeah. At five he was diagnosed with leukemia. His sister was, let's see, she was three at the time or not three. Yeah, she was three at the time. But when she was born she was diagnosed with microcephaly to start out with which they misdiagnosed. She ended up having epilepsy and a lot of other medical things that I won't go into because it's, it's not pertinent to my question anyways. And so she is, she's doing okay now. I'll just leave it at that. All the they didn't expect her to live but and she is, she's doing, she's doing everything they said that she would not do. And I based that on how hard my daughter and son in law and the rest of the family have worked to help, to help. And then there's a baby. The baby now is eight but at the time she was nine months old when all of this was going on. So we had serious family things happening and all of us in the family banded together and, and filled in all the gaps for, for several years.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Wonderful.

[Julie]

About four years. So and, and that I expected and everybody stepped up and everybody did really well. The problem came in is I, my husband and I believe that our daughter has PTSD from all of this. And about four years ago she was talking to me and she told me, she said that she was unhappy in her marriage. And I'm thinking after everything we've been through, you're going to tell me this. And so she was saying that she wanted to get a divorce. And I was very adamant about no, you cannot get a divorce. You have three children. That ship is sailed. You can get a divorce when the youngest is 18. That was my hard life advice to her. I was from a divorced family. Okay, let's see. So ever since then I never realized, I guess how much she resented me saying that because she at that point, I found out later, said that I was not emotionally there for her. Anyways, things have kind of been spiraling since then. And so in about three years ago, I told her that her and her husband need to go see a counselor. You guys got to figure this thing out because there's the kids will be collateral damage. And I would not change my opinion of that at all. Anyway, so I, she and I never spoke about that again. Three years ago she went to see some sort of a therapist, Life energy, something.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Oh gee, I don't know.

[Julie]

I know.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah.

[Julie]

And ever since that, everything has just gone like the whole train has gone off the tracks. And she is, she's combative and she, she.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay. Julie, Julie, Julie.

[Julie]

Yeah.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

How old are the grandkids?

[Julie]

They are 13 now. 13, 11 and 8.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay. Spend as much time as you can with the grandkids. Your daughter's a little bit of a lost cause at this point, so schmooze up to her all you need so that you're there for the grandkids. Because I doubt with her state of mind and I don't know anything about her husband, but they probably need you, so do what you need to do.

[Julie]

Acting like they don't need us at all. I mean, they're. They're.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I know that. I know that. Well, who. Who your daughter and her husband are acting like that or the kids.

[Julie]

Well, it's a very hub and spoke relationship.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, Julie, I'm trying to get to something with you. Don't make it difficult for me. Is it possible for you to spend a lot of time with the grandkids? Yes or no?

[Julie]

I try to as often as I can.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yes, that's your point. Now your point is not. Ma' am, your point is no longer your daughter. I'm trying to train your eyeballs to look in the proper direction.

[Julie]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Be nice to her. Give no more opinions and spend as much quality time as you can with the kids. They need it. Your relationship with your daughter, put it aside for the greater good of the grandkids.

[Julie]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Just be nice to her. Stop trying to fix it.

[Julie]

Okay? Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

She went to a type of person who would solely agree with her, so leave it alone. It was very difficult to have kids with all these needs and then another baby. That was very painful. Some people handle it better than others. Right now you're needed by the grandkids, not by her.

[Julie]

Okay? If she limits.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Do whatever it takes to schmooze the crap out of her so that you can see the grandkids agree with her. Apologize. I don't care what you do, okay? The kids are in the middle of this and they're suffering. They need you. So do what it takes to schmooze the hell out of her. Well, let me take the pressure off you, you know, You've had so much pressure. You're right. And I should have been more thoughtful about that. I'll take the kids to the park.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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