Having a Heart-to-Heart with a Wayward Dad

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Having a Heart-to-Heart with a Wayward Dad
Date: December 9, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest Callers: Ava (14), Ava's Mom

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Main Theme Overview

This episode centers on a candid discussion about the emotional fallout of parental separation and the repercussions of a father’s choices on his teen daughter, Ava. Dr. Laura guides Ava and her mother through the complexities of confronting a parent's actions (specifically infidelity and abandonment), expressing hurt, and understanding the limits of changing another’s behavior. The conversation examines grieving familial trust, honest confrontation, and cultivating mature communication as a path to healing.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Ava’s Family Situation and Emotional Turmoil (01:58–05:25)

• Caller Introduction: Ava, age 14, now living in Cambridge, UK, with her mom and younger sister, shares that her parents are separated. Her father remains in Qatar.
• Discovery & Fallout: Ava recounts confronting her father after realizing he was secretly cohabitating with another woman during the separation, and feels betrayed after he lied and refused to admit wrongdoing.
  • Notable Quote – Ava (03:29): “He said a lot of, like… said a lot of bullshit, basically. And his family went along with it. And I felt really bad.”

2. Father’s Evasion and Ava’s Hurt (03:53–04:48)

• Ava feels her father is no longer acting as a parent and is emotionally distant, often making her feel guilty for not showing affection.
• Her father expresses feeling punished but shows no remorse around his actions or concern for his children.
  • Notable Quote – Ava (04:03): “He would always tell me, why are you punishing me like this … that I don’t hug him anymore or say I love you. And that really hurts him. But overall, he would not apologize or feel any remorse for living with somebody else.”

3. Clarifying the Timeline and Parental Accountability (07:38–08:48)

• Dr. Laura’s Approach: Refuses to blame one parent over the other, stating both are responsible for the unhealthy environment that led to separation.
• Dr. Laura highlights the self-serving nature of Ava’s father’s behavior, emphasizing that he prioritized his desires over his children's needs.
  • Notable Quote – Dr. Laura (07:45): “The two of them tore your life apart. I’m not going to pick on your dad, not going to pick on your mom. … They’re both responsible.”

4. Ava’s Needs and Her Father's Failure as a Role Model (08:24–10:14)

• Ava’s Wish: She wants her father to recognize and admit to the pain he caused by putting himself and a new relationship before his still-young children.
• Discussion on whether parents should wait until children are adults before dating post-divorce.
• Dr. Laura delves into the importance of parental modeling—for trust, stability, and the impact of quick replacement in relationships.
  • Notable Quote – Dr. Laura (10:46): “It is a terrible role model for me that you’re shacking up with some girl. … That leaves me not trusting you, and it leaves me not trusting that I can be safe with a man in the future.”

5. Confrontation and the True Purpose of Expressing Feelings (11:09–13:38)

• Dr. Laura encourages Ava to express her feelings directly, not to change her father, but to achieve personal clarity and maturity.
• The exercise isn’t about eliciting an apology or different behavior, but about empowering Ava to articulate her pain and establish her boundaries.
  • Notable Quote – Dr. Laura (13:38): “When I tell people what they should say to somebody else, My intent is not to suggest that that will change the other person. … But it gives you as the child the ability to express truth and your strongest feelings and get clarity, which helps you in your maturity and your stability and your ability to cope with the fact that these two people couldn’t keep it together.”

6. The Limits of Confrontation and Shifting Expectations (13:12–13:38)

• Emphasis on the futility of trying to change the parent and the empowerment that comes from mature communication.
• Encourages Ava to shift her intent—from changing her father to finding personal strength and healing.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 03:29 | Ava | “He said a lot of, like… said a lot of bullshit, basically. And his family went along with it. And I felt really bad.” | | 04:03 | Ava | “He would always tell me, why are you punishing me like this … that I don’t hug him anymore or say I love you. And that really hurts him. But overall, he would not apologize or feel any remorse for living with somebody else.” | | 07:45 | Dr. Laura | “The two of them tore your life apart. I’m not going to pick on your dad, not going to pick on your mom. … They’re both responsible.” | | 10:46 | Dr. Laura | “It is a terrible role model for me that you’re shacking up with some girl. … That leaves me not trusting you, and it leaves me not trusting that I can be safe with a man in the future.” | | 13:38 | Dr. Laura | “When I tell people what they should say to somebody else, My intent is not to suggest that that will change the other person. … But it gives you as the child the ability to express truth and your strongest feelings and get clarity, which helps you in your maturity and your stability and your ability to cope with the fact that these two people couldn’t keep it together.” |

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Important Timestamps

• 01:58: Ava and her mother are introduced; Ava describes sending the original email.
• 02:38–05:25: Ava details the separation, discovery of her dad’s new partner, and the subsequent emotional aftermath.
• 07:38–08:48: Dr. Laura discusses shared parental responsibility for the divorce’s impact.
• 10:46–11:36: Dr. Laura gives Ava words to say to her father, illustrating trust and role model issues.
• 13:12–13:38: Dr. Laura reframes confrontation from “changing Dad” to “empowering Ava.”

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

Dr. Laura speaks with directness, empathy, and a pragmatic tone, helping Ava face the reality of her family’s situation while affirming the importance of honest, mature communication—primarily for self-healing, rather than to elicit change in an unrepentant parent. The episode is a nuanced exploration of grief, trust, and the limitations of influence within fractured family dynamics.

Main takeaway:
Communicating your pain is a vital step for personal growth and resilience, especially when faced with betrayal or disappointment from those you love. The power lies in honest self-expression and recognizing the boundaries of what you can—and can’t—change in others.

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Transcript

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[C]

Hello, Dr. Laura. Hi.

[A]

Hi Ava. How old are you?

[C]

I'm 14.

Now.

[A]

I read your email that you sent. I read it this morning. Did you write that? Did somebody write it for you?

[C]

No, I wrote it.

[A]

Okay. It was very mature.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

So basically, since I know what we're going to talk about, but we're on radio, so I would appreciate if you would tell me your situation.

And then I'll do my best to help you.

[C]

Okay.

So I explained in the email. What was the situation? Basically, my parents separated and we had to relocate with my mom and younger sister in Cambridge while my dad had to stay back home in Qatar. And during the summer, during our relocation, I discovered that she is living with another woman. And I confronted him about it without my mom knowing. And it did not go well.

Basically, he lied about it, saying she was a roommate, and.

Said a lot of, like.

Said a lot of bullshit, basically. And his family went along with it. And I felt really bad. And we had lots of conversations about it, and it just didn't go well. And so since then, we have a bumpy relationship, I guess. Like, I don't feel.

Like he's acting as my father anymore. And he would always tell me, why are you punishing me like this?

Like.

Basically saying that I don't hug him anymore or that I don't say I love you. And that really hurts him. But overall, he would not apologize or feel any remorse for living with somebody else, because his reply to that would be because he doesn't want to be alone forever. Which.

[A]

Okay, Ava. Ava, actually, your mom's here. But Ava, do you know what their divorced was caused by?

[C]

They were fighting a lot. And that's what he would say. But all of this just puts in perspective that there was somebody else, because also, our housemate back home found a condom in the bed he slept when we were away for summer. And she was actually the one that found out that she was living with somebody else secretly.

[A]

So is he still in Qatar?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And you live in the United States?

[C]

We live in the UK In Cambridge.

[A]

Oh, you live in the uk. Okay, so this is a very long distance call. All right.

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[A]

Okay, so you're. Okay.

Here'S the deal.

The two of them tore your life apart. I'm not going to pick on your dad, not going to pick on your mom. The two of them were fighting, not getting along, not creating a good environment for you. They're both responsible. Not going to parse it down to this person did this, this person did that.

Okay. Your dad immediately thought of himself. He just wanted a bed partner because I don't want to be alone and I want to have sex and all that kind of stuff. What is it you want to have your dad know at this point? Tell me what you want him to know.

[C]

I want him to know that he hurt his family.

That this isn't right, and.

[A]

Okay. That he hurt his family by doing what?

[C]

By having somebody else and. And putting himself first over his children.

[A]

Okay, you mean when. When they were married, he had somebody else?

[C]

They're technically still married. They're separated, but going on to a divorce. So legally they're still married.

[A]

Yeah, but legally they're still married, but they're not.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's paperwork at this point to undo it. Okay. So I'm just trying to understand what. What you take umbrage at. So if they didn't divorce for 10 years, you wouldn't like either one of them? D.

[C]

If I wouldn't want any of my parents to be dating right now.

[A]

If they did not divorce for 10 more years, what's your expectation? Would they. Would you want neither one of them to date?

[C]

Honestly, I'm not sure. I, in general think it's too early because me and my sister were not over 18 and not right.

[A]

Yeah, that's my point of view. Okay. So did your dad leave the home? Is he filing for divorce? Or are they both just doing nothing really about it?

[C]

No, he left the home and he applied for divorce.

[A]

Got it. Okay.

Well, we don't really know the backstory of why.

I mean, some men are being beaten by their wives, nobody knows about it, and they leave and everybody says the man's bad. So I can't make a judgment off the top of my head because I don't know what went on between the two of them.

But it's fair for you to respond as a daughter and to say to him, for example.

It is a terrible role model for me that you're shacking up with some girl.

And your behavior of leaving the marriage, we don't even have clarity. You don't follow through on anything. That leaves me not trusting you, and it leaves me not trusting that I can be safe with a man in the future.

I know this is above your age pay scale, but I think you're capable of having a discussion on that level. Telling them the truth. This is how it damages your children. We don't feel safe anymore that we can be in a marriage forever after. We don't feel safe and you replaced us with some live in woman very quickly.

That's further upsetting that we can be replaced so quickly that you didn't wait till we were all grown up, up and out. And take your being a parent more seriously. Do you think you can have a conversation on this level with him?

[C]

We tried.

[A]

No. No. Okay. All right, well, then I'm. That's all I was going to offer you.

If you've done that already. I don't know what the word try means.

When I tell people what they should say to somebody else, My intent is not to suggest that that will change the other person. Because your dad can't change what's happened.

He can't undo what's come before.

But it gives you as the child the ability to express.

Truth and your strongest feelings and get clarity, which helps you in your maturity and your stability and your ability to cope with the fact that these two people couldn't keep it together.

[C]

Do you understand?

[A]

So basically what I'm telling you to do is for your benefit, not to change him. So when you say we tried that, that's the intent was to change him. Give that up. You will never change him.

But you can learn to communicate things that are profound to you in a calm, direct manner, which is going to help you for your entire life. So you see the difference in trying something to make him be different and confronting something in a mature way which makes you feel stronger.

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