Helping Family is Wearing Me Down

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Helping Family is Wearing Me Down"

Podcast: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Episode: Helping Family is Wearing Me Down
Release Date: March 12, 2025

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Introduction: A Challenging Family Dynamic

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a complex family situation presented by a caller named Carrie. Carrie is grappling with the emotional and logistical challenges of caring for her 93-year-old mother while managing her niece and nephew, aged 19 and 29 respectively, who recently moved in with her. The presence of her adult children, especially as one has special needs, has intensified her feelings of depression and stress.

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Carrie's Dilemma: Balancing Care and Personal Well-being

Carrie reaches out to Dr. Laura seeking guidance on how to navigate her overcrowded household. Having lost her husband two years prior, she brought her elderly mother to live with her, along with her niece and nephew who previously resided with their grandmother. The sudden influx of family members has disrupted Carrie’s peace, leading to constant conflicts and a sense of being overwhelmed.

Key Points from Carrie:

• Emotional Strain: "I got just really depressed and seemed like I'm fighting all the time." (01:20)
• Desire for Independence: "They gotta get grown, they gotta get out of here." (02:26)

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Dr. Laura's Direct Approach: Establishing Boundaries

Dr. Laura responds with her characteristic no-nonsense demeanor, emphasizing the importance of personal responsibility and accountability within the family structure. She challenges Carrie to take decisive action to reclaim her home and mental well-being.

Dr. Laura's Main Advice:

1. Assertive Boundary Setting: Dr. Laura advises Carrie to expel her adult children from her home, highlighting that they are capable of handling their own lives independently. She suggests setting a firm deadline, such as two months, but strongly encourages reducing this timeframe to enforce immediate change.

   • "Get them out of your house." (03:15)
   • "Give a date, go to the calendar. Pick a date. Put the calendar up on the wall, Make a red circle there." (09:08)

2. Avoiding Dependency: She emphasizes that constant availability can hinder the growth and competency of adult children, advocating for a "tough love" approach to promote self-sufficiency.

   • "Do not rescue. Do not listen to the complaining and the whining." (10:18)

3. Prioritizing Personal Health: Dr. Laura reminds Carrie that her well-being should take precedence, especially after the loss of her husband. She encourages Carrie to prioritize her life decisions over the needs of others.

   • "What you have to do, you must do is very true. Otherwise, your life is not in your hands." (09:35)

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Navigating Resistance: Anticipating and Handling Pushback

Understanding that change often meets resistance, Dr. Laura prepares Carrie for the emotional fallout that may arise when enforcing boundaries. She advises Carrie to remain steadfast despite initial opposition, reinforcing the necessity of her decisions for her own health and household harmony.

Anticipated Challenges:

• Emotional Resistances: Dr. Laura acknowledges that Carrie’s adult children and mother may initially resist the changes.

  • "In the beginning, they're going to fight you, and you've got to be strong." (11:13)

• Maintaining Resolve: She emphasizes the importance of not wavering once a decision is made.

  • "Don't fall for it." (11:24)

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Empowering Decisions: Taking Control of Your Life

Dr. Laura concludes by empowering Carrie to take control of her life through decisive action. She reiterates that setting and enforcing boundaries is essential for personal growth and household peace.

Final Recommendations:

• Timely Implementation: Set a specific date and stick to it without prolonged negotiations.
• Emotional Detachment: Limit emotional involvement to necessary interactions, except for supportive moments like sharing "chicken soup on Sunday."
• Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize personal well-being over familial obligations to ensure a healthy and balanced life.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Establishing Boundaries:
  "Get them out of your house." — Dr. Laura (03:15)

• Tough Love Approach:
  "Ultimatum means you dance on the head of a pin or I'm throwing you out." — Dr. Laura (07:02)

• Empowering Decisions:
  "What you have to do, you must do is very true. Otherwise, your life is not in your hands." — Dr. Laura (09:35)

• Anticipating Resistance:
  "In the beginning, they're going to fight you, and you've got to be strong." — Dr. Laura (11:13)

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Conclusion: Embracing Change for Personal Well-being

In "Helping Family is Wearing Me Down," Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides Carrie with clear, actionable advice to address her overwhelming family situation. By advocating for assertive boundary setting and prioritizing personal well-being, Dr. Laura empowers listeners to take control of their lives, even when faced with challenging familial obligations. This episode underscores the importance of accountability, ethical responsibility, and the courage to make difficult decisions for one's mental and emotional health.

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For more insightful advice, tune into Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s daily radio program on SiriusXM Triumph 111 or visit DrLaura.com to become a Family member.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Carrie]

Hey. Hi Dr. Laura, how are you?

[Dr. Laura]

Good.

[Carrie]

I had called you at a time that I really had been in a depressed. I paid, I've gotten my 90 something year old mom to come from New York to live with me. I just became a widow about two years ago and I got her and my niece and my nephew because they stayed with her now when they, they just got here in October of September. September. So it's a lot of in and out in things that's coming up from the past and all sorts of things. It was just really having me very depressed and seemed like I'm fighting all the time. And the other two, they're so used to being with her. If I say something, she's the mama bear. She just has to protect them and all that. Now these guys are grown people, 19 and 29. One got special needs. But I'm still like they gotta go, they gotta get grown, they gotta get out of here. You know, what do you think? What do you think I need to do? I don't know.

[Dr. Laura]

What do you wish to do?

[Carrie]

I wish to get everybody in their proper place and get mom, me and her and get the guys in their own little spot or in their own little whatever they have to live at and we all be here in California together in.

[Dr. Laura]

I have no idea what you said. No idea. Get everybody in their place. What the hell does that mean? Do you want to put your mother. I Don't know. In, I don't know, assisted living or something. Okay. I don't know.

[Carrie]

She's.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Let's see how you like it.

[Carrie]

Okay. See, we're at the place where we get along, but it's still a a in between when I say something to them in my house.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, get them out of your house.

[Carrie]

Okay? Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

I can understand you taking in your 93 year old mother, but they're adults. Let them handle their own lives. Get them out. Give them two months. Tell them you got to get out. If mom says oh no, then you say mom. You'll have to go with them though, because I'm not putting up with this anymore. Be a grown up. Be a grown up. Do you really know that? Why do people say I know no.

[Carrie]

Since they haven't been here for long. I said I'll give a year for to get things together.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay? Don't call me or ask.

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Carrie]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Because that's just silly. And you don't have to hold to the year. You can make it 36 hours. This is your home, your life.

[Carrie]

All right?

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[Carrie]

So I got to make a decision and stick to it, right?

[Dr. Laura]

Ultimatum and stick to and that's how you'll feel. No. No ultimatum. A decision. You're out in X days. No ultimatum. Ultimatum means you dance on the head of a pin or I'm throwing you out. We're not making a deal. They're out. Let them figure out their lives. But you're taking care of mom, right?

[Carrie]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

And then you can leave it in mom's hands to make a decision for herself. Mom, they're going to be out in a month and a half. They're going to be out now. If you don't want to be without them, then you'll have to go with them because they're out. So I'd like you to be here and I'll take care of you. But they're out. So you, mom, you can decide if you want to go with them or stay here. That's your decision now.

[Carrie]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

This is how a grownup handles it in my opinion.

[Carrie]

Okay. My big girl will not do what I gotta do. Put on my grown up pants. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, I think so.

[Carrie]

Yeah. I appreciate you. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. But this is how you control your life.

[Carrie]

Yeah. Yeah. And. And not to be honest too, I do want everybody around. I just lost my husband, you know, about two years ago. So I was in an empty net.

[Dr. Laura]

Having them around is not improving your life, dear.

[Carrie]

Okay? Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Don't say I'm lonely without My husband. So I'm just going to take this stress. Come on.

[Carrie]

Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. The stress part. The stress.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. There's no reason. You're 74 years old. Give yourself a break here.

[Carrie]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

They don't have to like it.

[Carrie]

Right? A couple of months. Okay, that sounds fair. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Give a date, go to the calendar. Pick a date. Put the calendar up on the wall, Make a red circle there. That's the day you kids are out.

[Carrie]

Yeah. Put it together. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Figure it out by it being.

[Carrie]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

I did a nice rescue for you. I've been taking care of you. It's time for you to move out so I can have my privacy.

[Carrie]

Okay. Gotta do what you have to do. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

You know, that's very true. What you have to do, you must do is very true. Otherwise, your life is not in your hands. And what's the point of that? We're all going to be dead between now and dead. How do you want your life to be? That's up to your decisions. What you have to do. Do they have to grow up and take care of themselves? They have to do that. So you're helping them?

[Carrie]

Yes. Yeah, I'll be there, but they just have to start. Have to start somewhere. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no, no, no, no. No being there. If it's anything other than chicken soup on Sunday, do not be there. Do not rescue. Do not listen to the complaining and the whining. Do not listen to the threats. Do not listen. Do not be there. Except with chicken soup.

[Carrie]

Real tough love. Yeah. Okay, got it.

[Dr. Laura]

How does anybody become competent if they don't practice competency?

[Carrie]

Not sure. I've been on.

[Dr. Laura]

They're not going to become competent because you're there. That doesn't make them competent because you're there, because your mother is there. It makes them less competent.

[Carrie]

Okay, I'll let you know what happened. I'll let you know.

[Dr. Laura]

I hope you will. In the beginning, they're going to fight you, and you've got to be strong.

[Carrie]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

There's no change without resistance. They're going to resist, expect it. Don't fall for it.

[Carrie]

Okay. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Dr. Laura]

All right. I appreciate your call. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLauraprogram.

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