How Can I Cope With My Mom's Mental Illness?

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast
Episode: How Can I Cope With My Mom’s Mental Illness?
Date: November 20, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Amanda

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a candid conversation between Dr. Laura Schlessinger and a caller, Amanda, about navigating the emotional and practical challenges of having a mother with untreated, long-standing mental illness. Dr. Laura stresses the need to move beyond medical labels to focus on tangible behaviors, and she offers direct, practical advice for maintaining boundaries and coping with difficult family dynamics.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Describing Behavior vs. Labeling (01:34–02:38)

• Dr. Laura urges Amanda to stop focusing on labels ("undiagnosed," "mental illness") and instead, to clearly describe her mother's difficult behaviors.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Dr. Laura: “I don't need you to diagnose her. I need you to explain why the relationship is difficult. She spits at my cat. I don't have to have diagnosis for that. I just understand that she spits at your cat.” (01:59)

2. Identifying Behavioral Patterns (02:43–03:34)

• Dr. Laura distinguishes between isolated incidents and lasting patterns, prompting Amanda to provide examples of repetitive, problematic behavior.
  • Amanda describes a situation in a restaurant where her mother expressed paranoia toward a stranger, believing herself to be targeted based solely on the person’s ethnicity.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Dr. Laura: “So, did you give me that example because it's a pattern for her to be scared somebody's going to do something to her? Is that a pattern?” (03:50)

3. The Longevity of Difficult Dynamics (04:04–04:16)

• Amanda confirms that her mother's behaviors have been consistent for decades.
  • Dr. Laura acknowledges the seriousness of chronic, untreated mental illness and the limitations it imposes on the relationship.

4. Coping Strategies and Their Limits (06:51–07:17)

• When asked how she previously coped, Amanda shares that she often tried to distract her mother or shift topics, which worked only about half the time.
  • Notable Quote:
    • Amanda: "Maybe 50%." (07:14)
    • Dr. Laura: "Okay, well, then you have a tool that works some of the time. If she's untreated and you want to spend time with her, you're going to have to anticipate this behavior and do your best to deal with it like you always have." (07:17)

5. Adjusting Expectations and Setting Boundaries (07:17–07:58)

• Dr. Laura clarifies that Amanda faces not an ordinary relationship problem, but the difficulty of having a close relative with untreated mental illness.
  • Advice: Anticipate "bizarre, uncomfortable behavior" and accept limited control; consider restricting public outings with her mother for mutual comfort.

6. Guilt, Obligation, and Emotional Manipulation (08:02–08:41)

• Amanda voices her struggle with her mother's complaints about not spending enough time together.
  • Dr. Laura reassures Amanda: this is common and doesn’t require justification beyond a calm, honest response.
    • Notable Quote:
      • Dr. Laura: "Every mom has that in their minds. And you say, 'I'm sorry to disappoint you. I enjoy the time we have together. And I'm sorry to disappoint you that it can't be more.' You answer it." (08:18)

7. Seeking Treatment and Final Thoughts (08:44–09:30)

• Dr. Laura recommends consulting a physician about ways to get her mother psychiatric help, emphasizing professional intervention.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On not getting stuck on labels:
  Dr. Laura: "Stop trying to label it. Just describe it." (02:34)
• On coping strategies:
  Dr. Laura: "If she's untreated and you want to spend time with her, you're going to have to anticipate this behavior and do your best to deal with it like you always have." (07:17)
• On guilt from diminished contact:
  Dr. Laura: "Every mother thinks that. Some mothers say it." (08:34)
• On seeking help:
  Dr. Laura: "I would think very intently about talking to your physician and finding a way to get her into a psychiatric situation where she could be treated." (08:44)

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• 01:59: Dr. Laura explains why diagnosis is less important than describing practical difficulties.
• 03:50: Amanda provides a concrete example of her mom’s paranoid behavior.
• 04:16: The longevity (decades) of the behavioral issues is established.
• 07:14: Amanda reveals her current strategy is only about 50% effective.
• 08:18: Discussion on guilt and family expectations.
• 08:44: Dr. Laura suggests seeking professional psychiatric help.

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Tone and Style

Dr. Laura's trademark candid, direct, and pragmatic style is on display, pushing the caller to move away from abstract diagnoses and focus on practical steps and clear boundaries. She combines empathy for Amanda’s situation with tough-love advice, urging realism about the possibilities for improvement without professional treatment.

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Summary

For anyone navigating a relationship with a loved one who is mentally ill and untreated, this episode offers a realistic portrayal of the limits and emotional complexities involved. Dr. Laura provides validation, concrete tools, and permission to set necessary limits, while encouraging appropriate hope for intervention through professional help. Listeners come away with actionable guidance and a sense of solidarity in facing difficult family challenges.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day, sponsored by Native Path Collagen, the collagen I take daily to support healthy joints, skin, bones and guts. Go to getnativepath.com drlaura for free shipping and a special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail price. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Amanda, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. How can I help?

[Caller]

So I wanted to talk to you today because I have a rough relationship. I don't say rough. My relationship with my mom is challenging.

[Dr. Laura]

Why is that? Why is that?

[Caller]

She is undiagnosed. And so I don't want to label.

[Dr. Laura]

Something because I don't need you to diagnose her. I need you to explain why the relationship is difficult. She spits at my cat. I don't have to have diagnosis for that. I just understand that she spits at your cat. So tell me why it's difficult to be in a relationship that's warm and cozy with your mom.

[Caller]

Yeah, so she has mental disobeys again.

[Dr. Laura]

Here we go. How about you just tell me she spits it. You. Are you not getting this?

[Caller]

I understand she.

[Dr. Laura]

Stop trying to label it. Just describe it.

[Caller]

Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller]

Can I give you an example of a situation?

[Dr. Laura]

Is the situation an example of a million others of the same sort? Because every now and then, every one of us acts like a jerk?

[Caller]

Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

[Dr. Laura]

So I need to know if there's a pattern. So give me an example only of something that's a pattern.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Because individual circumstances, God knows what happens, you know?

[Caller]

Yeah, absolutely. So when we were in line at a restaurant, she was getting uncomfortable because of the type of person that was behind her and was kind of like talking under her breath.

[Dr. Laura]

What does that mean? What was the kind of person behind you guys?

[Caller]

So there was a man behind us and he was Mexican. And she thought that. She told me specifically that that person was out to get her when this person, we didn't know them.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so did you give me that example because it's a pattern for her to be scared of somebody's going to do something to her? Is that a pattern?

[Caller]

That is one of the patterns, yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. And how long has she been exhibiting that sort of behavior? Weeks? Months? Years? Decades?

[Caller]

Oh, no. Decades.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so you know your mother, clearly you know your mother has a problem. So with all the decades, how have you dealt with it up to now? And now you have a problem with it.

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[Dr. Laura]

So how did it go when you handled it? How did you used to handle it?

[Caller]

I just tried to change the subject or try to do my best to make her comfortable or try to get her to think about something else.

[Dr. Laura]

Whether. And has that. What percentage effective has that been?

[Caller]

Maybe 50%.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, well, then you have a tool that works some of the time. If she's untreated and you want to spend time with her, you're going to have to anticipate this behavior and do your best to deal with it like you always have. This is not a problem of not having a good relationship. This is a problem where somebody is seriously mentally ill, untreated. And you have to expect bizarre, uncomfortable behavior over which you probably have very little control. This is something you have to understand. So maybe you don't want to take her in public.

[Caller]

Yes. Okay. Can I ask you one other question?

[Dr. Laura]

Sure.

[Caller]

And it. The other part of it is my mom telling me that it's not fair if I don't spend so much time with her. And that's another. This. Every.

[Dr. Laura]

Every mom has that in their minds. And you say, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I enjoy the time we have together. And I'm sorry to disappoint you that it can't be more you answer it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller]

Don't let her go.

[Dr. Laura]

Every mother thinks that. Some mothers say it.

[Caller]

Definitely. Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

All right. I would think very intently about talking to your physician and finding a way to get her into a psychiatric situation where she could be treated. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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