How Can I Light My Wife's Fire?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "How Can I Light My Wife's Fire?"

Release Date: June 20, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt concern from a devoted husband seeking advice on reigniting intimacy with his wife amidst the challenges of perimenopause. The discussion delves into the emotional and physical impacts of hormonal changes on marital relationships and offers practical strategies to foster connection and intimacy.

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Caller’s Dilemma: Navigating Intimacy During Perimenopause

Caller’s Background:

• Marital Status: Happily married for 22 years
• Children: Three, all doing well
• Age: 48
• Issue: Wife’s onset of perimenopause affecting their intimate relationship

Key Points Discussed:

1. Impact of Perimenopause:

   • Physical Symptoms: Hot flashes, restless sleep, skin irritation
   • Emotional Changes: Increased impatience, decreased interest in intimacy
   • Relationship Shift: Significant reduction in frequency of intimate encounters from weekly to monthly

2. Caller’s Experience:

   • Initiation of Intimacy: Previously 100% initiator, now only managing 60-70%
   • Emotional Response: Feelings of rejection 70-80% of the time
   • Attempts to Adapt: Pausing initiation led to an extended period of no intimacy, culminating in a failed attempt to reconnect

Notable Quote:

“We're 48 years old. About a year ago my wife started or perimenopause began, has changed our relationship.”
— Caller at [00:41]

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Dr. Laura’s Guidance: Rebuilding Connection Without Pressure

Strategies Offered:

1. Shift the Approach to Sensuality:

   • Non-Sexual Touch: Encourage actions like back rubs, hand massages, and foot massages without the immediate expectation of sexual intimacy.
   • Example Actions: Washing her hair, giving foot massages, massaging her hands.

   Notable Quote:

   “One of the things I'd like you to stop doing is waiting to have sex. But I'd like you to say, you know what? This menopause thing has really been tough on you. Let me give you a back rub.”
   — Dr. Laura at [06:28]

2. Create a Comfortable Environment:

   • Initiate Contact Without Pressure: Engage in affectionate gestures to lower her defenses and rebuild intimacy gradually.
   • Gradual Progression: Move from gentle touches to more intimate areas as comfort increases.

   Notable Quote:

   “So we want to pick up her appetite. Now, is she getting any hormone replacement therapy or anything like that?”
   — Dr. Laura at [08:48]

3. Consistency and Patience:

   • Regular Gestures: Perform sensual acts every few days to maintain connection without overwhelming her.
   • Respect Her Space: Allow her to initiate the next step when she feels ready.

   Notable Quote:

   “Well, you know, there'll be a point where you're rubbing her back and then you're rubbing the back of her legs and what's in between her back and her legs.”
   — Dr. Laura at [07:59]

4. Support Her Emotional Well-being:

   • Validate Her Experience: Acknowledge the difficulties she’s facing due to hormonal changes.
   • Express Empathy: Show understanding and readiness to support her beyond intimate interactions.

   Notable Quote:

   “She's got a guard up, doesn't feel well. Okay, so I'd like give her a background foot massage without pushing for something.”
   — Dr. Laura at [07:17]

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Caller’s Reflection and Dr. Laura’s Reassurance

Caller’s Response:

• Appreciates the practical advice and plans to incorporate regular, pressure-free sensual gestures.
• Understands the importance of patience and consistent effort in rebuilding intimacy.

Dr. Laura’s Reassurance:

• Shares personal anecdotes about overcoming expectations related to menopause.
• Emphasizes the value of small, affectionate actions in strengthening marital bonds.

Notable Quote:

“A lot of women go through hell. I don't know who planned that out, but... you live long enough and boom, we're going to take a few years out of your life and torture you.”
— Dr. Laura at [10:00]

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Conclusion and Final Advice

Dr. Laura underscores the importance of maintaining empathy, patience, and consistent affectionate gestures to navigate the challenges posed by perimenopause. By focusing on non-sexual intimacy and supporting his wife’s emotional well-being, the caller can work towards reigniting the intimacy that has been strained during this transitional period.

Final Notable Quote:

“Do what I'm telling you to do. Just do it every few days. Do something sensual like that.”
— Dr. Laura at [09:15]

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Additional Resources

Listeners are encouraged to reach out to Dr. Laura for personalized advice and to follow her on social media for more insights and support.

• Contact Dr. Laura: 1-800-375-2872
• Social Media:
  • Facebook
  • Instagram

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Note: This summary excludes all advertisements and non-content sections from the original podcast transcript to focus solely on the meaningful dialogue between Dr. Laura and the caller.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX. Ryan, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome. How can I help?

[Caller]

Okay. I am happily married for 22 years. We have three children that are doing great. We're 48 years old. About a year ago my wife started or perimenopause began, has changed our relationship. And she's experienced symptoms like hot flashes and tossing and turning to sleep and feeling itchy in her own skin and things of that nature, but things like maybe a little more impatient than normal. But what the change to our relationship is that we have never had before is a disinterest from her end of intimacy. It has almost completely vanished. And so it's been sort of jarring in a way to because we have such a great marriage overall. Just I'm very happy with everything. And so what would maybe be one to two times a week is now one to two times per month. And if I would initiate, I don't know, 60 or 70% of the time. Normally prior to now, it's 100% of the time. And I don't want her to do something she's not doesn't want to do. And the feeling for me has been I felt rejected 70 or 80% of the time. So I've tried to have a lot of grace and patience. I've read things online about, you know, be patient, be supportive. And I want to do all of those things. I love and respect her tremendously, but it's also been sort of hard. And I've tried to even like test. Like I will initiate and she'll kind of just say she's not. It doesn't feel like it doesn't feel great or maybe not maybe tomorrow kind of thing. And so I'll try to say, okay, I'm always ready or I'm ready when you are, or you just let me know and I'll be there. So. But then that hasn't seemed to come. I tried this little test of okay, let me not pursue or initiate at all and see how long this goes and it went for like three weeks, which again was I desire her and have. And she has always reciprocated. That has been very easy for us in our marriage until now. And I finally caved in after about three weeks of that test of one morning. I had a dentist appointment late in the morning and the kids were off at school. I worked from home before going downtown to my office after the appointment. And we were alone for about an hour and a half. And I made a pass of this is so nice to both be home without the kids and just the two of us here. Would you like to hang out upstairs in the bedroom? And that's kind of code for making a move. And she kind of said, maybe I've got. I need to go to the grocery store and get my nails done. But maybe. And so my heart sank because seemingly that interested and to do two things that could really be done anytime we had food. We weren't going to starve if we didn't go to the grocery store that day.

[Dr. Laura]

Obviously afternoon or the next day. Yeah, obviously that was not the reality of what was happening. I don't have her here and I.

[Caller]

Don'T want to be a jerk. And for.

[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

One of the things I'd like you to stop doing is waiting to have sex. But I'd like you to say, you know what? This menopause thing has really been tough on you. Let me give you a back rub. This menopause thing has been tough on you. And then you don't have to say that, but you say, you know, let me wash your hair. Let's go into the shower. I'm going to wash your hair. No funny business. In other words, you start doing all of these sensual things without pushing for sex at all. And it is amazing how that changes people both ways to have them take the guard down. Because she's got a guard up, doesn't feel well. She just doesn't feel well. Okay, so I'd like give her a.

[Caller]

Background foot massage without pushing for something.

[Dr. Laura]

No sex. No sex Even if you're going to explode. Yeah, no sex. Foot massages, foot. Yeah, I'm sure it does. Foot massages are very sexy. Just things like that. Massage your hands. She likes manicures. Massage your hands. And she'll say, why are you doing this? And say, you know, you do so much. I just want her to be good to you. So it helps her attitude tremendously. But don't do this day after day. Spread it out.

[Caller]

And then wait for her to show interest in the next step.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you know, there'll be a point where you're rubbing her back and then you're rubbing the back of her legs and what's in between her back and her legs.

[Caller]

Mm, got it.

[Dr. Laura]

And it's not unusual for women to get aroused by that. It's like foreplay to the nth degree. Now, here's the corollary, and you're not going to like this one, but I did a lot of sex therapy with people, and truthfully, this always worked. Even if she turns over and says, okay, I'm ready, and say, you know, I just want her to be close. Just want her to make you feel good. People are very hungry for what they're not getting.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

So we want to pick up her appetite. Now, is she getting any hormone replacement therapy or anything like that?

[Caller]

She is and has been speaking to her primary care physician about it all and has, like, an estrogen patch that is supposed to help. I don't see a lot of results of that, but I am very sympathetic to what she's going through and have the utmost respect for her. So.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I appreciate that.

[Caller]

I'm not being through this.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, do what I'm telling you to do. Just do it every few days. Do something sensual like that. Hey, honey, let me rub your feet.

[Caller]

Got it. Okay. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura]

So go get the oils and stuff for feet and hands and backs. Go get that massage kind of stuff. All right. Just accumulate it all. This stuff works very well. My number, I remember before menopause, which I didn't go into, was closing in on 60 before. But I read these books on what was going to happen, and I thought, I should just jump off a bridge. I don't want to go through this list of things they're explaining, Believe it or not, didn't have one symptom. None. Meanwhile, my bestest, bestest friend, we'd just be sitting there looking at each other, and her face would spring water like a fountain, and she'd go, you're not getting hot flashes? No, I obviously give them. You're getting it. I must be giving them. Ah. A lot of women go through hell. I don't know who planned that out, but. All right. My number, 1, 800, I don't know. It's like punishment. You live long enough and boom, we're going to take a few years out of your life and torture you. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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