How Do I Get Over My Anger?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: How Do I Get Over My Anger?
Date: February 26, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest: "Stephen" (Caller)

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Overview

This episode centers on an intimate and emotionally charged call with Stephen, a 60-year-old man grappling with lasting anger and shame from sexual abuse he suffered as a child. Dr. Laura uses compassionate but probing questions to gently unpack the incident’s context, Stephen’s emotional journey, and, most importantly, the roots and handling of his anger, guilt, and shame. The episode’s primary theme is forgiveness—not for the abuser, but for the self—and reframing past actions in a more empowering light.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Stephen’s Story: Childhood Abuse and Silence

• Abuse Background:
  • At age 8, Stephen was repeatedly sexually abused by an 18-year-old male (not a relative, accessed him through acquaintances)
    (02:01–03:10)
  • Multiple children were involved; the abuser used threats about “getting in trouble” to silence them
    (03:00–03:10)
  • Locations varied between the abuser’s house and “in the woods,” with group presence but individual targeting
    (03:22–03:52)
• Duration and Exit:
  • The abuse went on for Stephen for a “couple months” before he “just got the hell out” out of internal resolve
    (04:12–04:29)
  • He stopped going, despite “mind control,” by simply telling the abuser to stop
    (04:38)
• Disclosure:
  • Stephen never told parents, friends, or authorities as a child; only disclosed to friends and family, decades later (about age 45)
    (07:30–08:00)
  • His motivation to disclose: wanted to “expose that creep” who still lived in the community
    (08:35)
• Reactions:
  • Family and friends were surprised he spoke up and even more surprised at how long he kept it inside
    (08:05–08:22)
• Group Experience:
  • Other boys involved “eventually quit too,” suggesting group dynamics in both victimization and exit
    (09:54–10:00)

Dr. Laura’s Probing: Family, Attention, and the Draw of Abuse

• Household Context:
  • Stephen was the youngest of eight, in a close Catholic family; Dr. Laura points out the challenges of lack of individual attention in large families
    (10:11–10:54)
• Why Some Boys Are Targeted:
  • Dr. Laura posits that abusers often succeed with children seeking attention or emotional connection, and suggests the others who didn’t participate likely had more parental engagement
    (10:54–11:53)
• Stephen’s Reflection:
  • At first, Stephen denies attention-seeking was a draw. Dr. Laura persistently questions this, concluding that excitement, naughtiness, or attention likely played a role at first and that “fear” wasn’t the main initial motivation
    (12:08–13:45)
  • Eventually, Stephen concedes attention was “probably what it was”
    (13:39–13:45)
  • Dr. Laura normalizes this, underscoring that children drawn by novelty or need for attention are not culpable for the results

The Heart of the Call: How to Get Over the Anger

• Stephen’s Question: “How do I get over the anger?”
  (13:57)
• Dr. Laura’s Exploration:
  • Dr. Laura asks whom he’s angry with—Stephen immediately names his abuser, but Dr. Laura gently suggests he’s also angry with himself
    (14:01–14:44)
• Reframing the Narrative:
  • Dr. Laura tells Stephen he should feel proud: “Frankly, you ought to be very proud of yourself. ... The better part of you stopped it.”
    (14:44–17:24)
  • She emphasizes strength: “It takes big strength in character to realize, yeah, no, this isn’t right…”
    (16:44)
• The Illusion of ‘Forgive and Forget’:
  • Stephen repeats he “can’t forgive and forget”. Dr. Laura insists:
    • “Yes, you can. You choose not to. It’s a choice.”
    • “I don’t believe in forgiving him. I do believe in forgiving yourself. He’s the small part of this story, you’re the big part.”
      (17:27–19:42)
  • She educates on real forgiveness: “He hasn’t asked for it... so it’s absurd to think of something so sacred as forgiveness just as a knee jerk thing.”
  • Instead, Dr. Laura encourages him to focus on his act of bravery in stopping the abuse, and let go of shame and anger at himself:
    • “You were a brave little boy.”
      (19:42–20:13)
• Encouragement to Shift Self-View:
  • “You did something wrong, you stopped it. You should dwell on… 'I was brave'... Everybody can screw up, but I repaired it within months. … It’s up to you how you want to handle what you’ve learned here today with me.”
    (18:40–19:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Internal Blame
  Dr. Laura Schlessinger: “You are a minor child, the youngest in a big family of kids, all of whom took up resources and attention…This is not an unusual pattern… the better part of you stopped it. So frankly, you ought to be very proud of yourself.” (14:44–15:34)
• On Real Forgiveness
  Dr. Laura Schlessinger: “I don’t believe in forgiving him. I do believe in forgiving yourself. He’s the small part of this story; you’re the big part. This really is very minorly about him and very majorly about your shame and guilt.” (17:27–19:40)
• Emotional Climax
  Dr. Laura Schlessinger: “You were a brave little boy, you silly man, for not seeing that. Come on. You were a brave little boy.” (20:13–20:31)
• Stephen’s Breakthrough
  Stephen: “I’ll try.” (20:12)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:01–04:50: Stephen describes the abuse, how long it lasted, and how he exited the situation
• 07:30–08:00: Stephen discusses belated disclosure, motivation, and reactions
• 10:11–11:53: Discussion of family context, attention, and psychological vulnerability
• 13:57–14:44: Stephen’s question: “How do I get over the anger?” leads to Dr. Laura’s reframing
• 14:44–17:24: Dr. Laura’s compassionate reframing: pride in stopping versus shame
• 17:24–19:42: Conversation about forgiveness: “Forgive and forget” challenged and redefined
• 20:12–20:31: Emotional conclusion as Dr. Laura affirms Stephen’s bravery

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Episode Takeaways

• Self-forgiveness is essential. Dr. Laura insists that the central task for survivors is not to forgive the abuser, but to stop blaming themselves, recognize their bravery, and move forward with pride.
• Children are never at fault. Temptation via attention or curiosity is not complicity; the abuser is always responsible.
• Shame is misplaced. Letting go of self-directed anger and shame is a choice and the root of healing.
• There is strength in standing up and walking away.

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Tone and Language

Dr. Laura’s tone is honest, persistent, and matter-of-fact but always empathetic. She doesn’t shy away from tough questions but balances challenge with validation and support, maintaining a therapeutic style focused on actionable insight and healing.

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For Listeners

This episode is a powerful resource for survivors of childhood trauma, their loved ones, or anyone struggling with guilt and anger over past suffering. Dr. Laura’s firm yet compassionate advice models how to reframe self-blame and move towards self-forgiveness.

Transcript

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[Dr. Loren (Podcast Host)]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day sponsored by Vibriant Super C Serum My personal solution for smoother, more hydrated skin. Super C Serum is a full line of skin care products all in one bottle. Get 37% off plus free shipping by going to vibrance.com drloren Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 247

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

and drlaura.com Stephen welcome to the program.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi Dr. Laura, I'm 60 years old and at about 8 years old I was sexually abused multiple times by the same man.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry again, how old were you and who was he?

[Caller/Guest]

Eight years old and it was a boy in high school, probably about 18 years old.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how did he get together with you? How was he around you?

[Caller/Guest]

Just, I mean, not a relative or anything.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, how did he have access to you multiple times?

[Caller/Guest]

Through some. Through other people?

[Dr. Loren (Podcast Host)]

I'm sorry, you want to clarify that for me?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He's. He's a senior in high school. And how did you come to be in his presence multiple times?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, easy to control the mind of an eight year old.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how did he control it? How did he. How did he do that?

[Caller/Guest]

By telling us that we would get in trouble if we told anybody there were multiple children involved. Multiple children involved in this.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And where would you go to get molested? I need more of the background.

[Caller/Guest]

Sometimes at his house,

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Sometimes. Where else?

[Caller/Guest]

In the woods.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And would you be one on one with him or did the other boys come with you?

[Caller/Guest]

No, the other boys were usually there too.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So he would molest you one at a time in the group?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how long did this go on?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, a couple months maybe. I'm sure for him it went on for years. For years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what children? Then why did it stop with you?

[Caller/Guest]

I just got the hell out of there. Just couldn't. Couldn't stand it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you said he was mind controlling you. So how did you break the mind control?

[Caller/Guest]

I just told him to stop.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And then what happened?

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[Caller/Guest]

Well, it stopped with me, but I'm sure it went on with other other boys.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So when you were a kid, did you report this to the police, a teacher, your parents?

[Caller/Guest]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

About the other boys, anybody?

[Caller/Guest]

Did not tell anybody.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And when did you finally tell somebody?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, I don't know, probably 15 years ago.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And why then? And who did you tell?

[Caller/Guest]

Some friends, family members.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what was everybody's reaction?

[Caller/Guest]

Surprised. Surprised that I would even talk about it?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's what they were surprised about? That you would talk about it

[Caller/Guest]

and that I held it inside for so long.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah. What made you tell then at that time and all these different people, what precipitated that

[Caller/Guest]

I wanted to expose that creep. He still lives in our community. I see him occasionally.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So did you report it to anybody or just told parents and friends?

[Caller/Guest]

Just told parents and friends. It's happened so long ago, I don't think anything could ever happen, ever could come of it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Mm. And your feelings at the time, some of them were, as you said, discussed. Some of them might be curious, some of them might be exciting. So let's go through all the experiences. Well, you weren't scared when you said, that's it, go away. So somehow within a few months, fear went to no fear. Kind of curious as to how that happened because you make a point about the fear, but in a few months you overcame it. How did you do that?

[Caller/Guest]

Just out of anger. I had to. To stay away from those people, from that guy.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And did you ever talk to the other kids who kept going?

[Caller/Guest]

They eventually quit too. They eventually got out of.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So I guess fear was not the only mechanism. Tell me about your Parents and your household.

[Caller/Guest]

Pardon me?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What did you tell me about your mom and dad and your household at that age of life? 11.

[Caller/Guest]

Youngest of eight. My mom was a stay at home mother and my father worked.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sure there's more you can tell. Go ahead.

[Caller/Guest]

We were very close. Catholic family, very religious. Just a very tight knit family.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Not that tight knit for you, though. You know, it's interesting. There are a lot of boys that this guy approached who didn't get involved. And usually those are the boys who had plenty of attention at home. And the boys who were like the umpteenth and the youngest kid. Well, it's a lot of kids to spread attention around, so it's a little easier to get them to be invested for the attention. Is that something you noticed with the other boys?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, I think so.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Mm. Do you notice that that might have a part in what happened to you initially?

[Caller/Guest]

I don't think so.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, then, if it wasn't the attention, then what was the draw for the beginning if you don't think it was fulfilling a need?

[Caller/Guest]

I just never considered that it was a draw.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you were drawn in. Nice little Catholic boy would have gone icky. So there was something that drew you in. And if it wasn't sort of the excitement, the naughtiness, just trying to figure out in the beginning what drew you. And don't say fear. I don't think that was part of this to any reasonable extent. I think that's the story you've been telling yourself because you've been dealing with a lot of emotional discomfort about it. Guilt. But I don't believe fear was it. So what do you think the initial draw was? You said for some of the boys it was getting attention. What are the other draws? Do you think.

[Caller/Guest]

That's probably what it was, is the attention.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, I think it's good that you can see that. So what was your question for me today?

[Caller/Guest]

How do I get over the anger?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

With whom are you angry? And take your time with this. Don't give me your knee jerk. Don't give me your knee jerk reaction. After everything we've talked about.

[Caller/Guest]

The person that did it, is that

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

the only person you're angry with? I don't think so.

[Caller/Guest]

Who else would I be angry with?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You.

[Caller/Guest]

True.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So here it is. You were 11, youngest of a million kids in your household, very strict family. This presented itself, made it a little exciting and interesting, and then you changed your mind and heart about that and dumped it, walked away from it. The behavior, as you know, in Catholicism Is a no. No. However, you are a minor child, the youngest in a big family of kids, all of whom took up resources and attention. And this is not an unusual pattern for kids to be drawn into something initially because it's new, exciting, it's attention, it's weird. And then the better part of you stopped it. So frankly, you ought to be very proud of yourself. You had the wherewithal to make a judgment whether this was attention, what have you, if any of it felt good, not that this was something you did not want to do and you had the courage to stop it. I think what you're holding onto is not understanding this part. You're still sort of angry and ashamed and I. Angry at yourself and ashamed. And I'd like you to drop that part of it and only be angry at all the kids who stood by and this jerk. However, I think what's made this persist is the shame and the anger with yourself, which I hope you can see from what I just said. You should be proud of yourself. It's easy in life to be drawn into situations, but it takes big strength in character to realize, yeah, no, this isn't right, this isn't good. That takes guts. And that's where most people fail. And you did not. So it's time.

[Caller/Guest]

I can't forgive and forget. I can't, I can't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes, you can.

[Caller/Guest]

Forgive and forget.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes, you can. You choose not to. It's a choice. First of all, I don't believe in forgiving him. I do believe in forgiving yourself. I think he's the small part of this story. You're the big part of this story. This really is very minorly about him and very majorly about your shame and guilt. You can't forgive him. He hasn't asked for it. He hasn't taken responsibility, shown true remorse, tried to repair it and never repeat it again. So it's absurd to think of something so sacred as forgiveness just as a knee jerk thing. I don't want to think about it anymore, so I'm just going to forgive. It's like hitting delete. No. Are you going to forget it? Of course not. It's in your head. But a bird could land on your head and then you could let it build a nest. You did something wrong, you stopped it. And you're, in my opinion, dwelling on the wrong part of that story. You're dwelling on the you did something wrong and you're not dwelling on the you stopped it. That's the part you should dwell on. And every time you think about it. You should think I was brave to go up against him and all the other kids. I was strong to do it. I'm proud of myself. Everybody can screw up, but I repaired it within months. So I see you as appreciating yourself more. It's up to you how you want to handle what you've learned here today with me.

[Caller/Guest]

Forgive and forget.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I didn't say forgive and forget. I didn't say anything about forgive and forget. Please don't repeat that again to me. I never said it or suggested it. I don't suggest you forgive and forget him. You can't forget. And the only person you can really forgive is yourself. And I wish you damn well would. You were a brave little boy.

[Caller/Guest]

I'll try.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You were a. You were a brave little boy, you silly man. For not seeing that. Come on. You were a brave little boy.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome. My number 1-800-375-2872.

[Dr. Loren (Podcast Host)]

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