How to Do Holidays After the Death of a Spouse

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: How to Do Holidays After the Death of a Spouse

Date: November 23, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest Caller: Linda

---

Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. Laura Podcast is centered on coping with holidays after the death of a spouse. Dr. Laura takes a heartfelt call from Linda, a widow navigating her first holiday season without her husband, and discusses the emotional complexities and social expectations surrounding grief during the festive season. Dr. Laura provides practical, unfiltered advice for grieving individuals on setting boundaries and prioritizing their own needs during the recovery process.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Linda’s Situation and Grief (01:56 – 02:50)

• Linda lost her husband 16 months ago and is struggling with how to respond to family pressures and expectations regarding holiday participation.
• She feels uncertain about her own wishes and overwhelmed by what others want from her.

2. Dr. Laura’s Blunt Guidance on Self-Priority (02:33 – 03:36)

• Dr. Laura stresses the importance of focusing on one's own needs during grief rather than trying to appease others:
  • "I don't give a damn about what everybody wants from you or for you. I want you to take a breath, calm down and relax and tell me what you want right now for the holidays." (02:33)
• She encourages Linda to only commit as she feels ready, telling her to inform friends and family:
  • "If I do, it'll be last minute. I don't want to make a commitment right now. That's all. It's the truth." (03:13)

3. Permission to Set Boundaries and Express Feelings (03:36 – 05:00)

• Dr. Laura is direct about others’ expectations:
  • "If they take it personally, screw them...Nobody who is a friend or cares about you would get their nose out of joint. Are you serious? No." (03:42)
• She reassures Linda that it's normal to process emotions, including crying, and urges her not to suppress genuine feelings:
  • "Cry? Why would you try not to cry?" (04:34)
  • "I'll wait." (04:47)

4. Finding Yourself After Loss (05:00 – 05:55)

• Dr. Laura recognizes the profound identity shift that accompanies losing a spouse:
  • "You're trying to figure out where you are in the universe now that you're without him...It's who am I? What am I doing?" (05:00)
• She names the sense of disorientation and loss that can persist beyond the act of grieving.

5. Surrounding Yourself with Supportive People (08:32 – 09:39)

• Dr. Laura suggests only spending holidays with the most laid-back, understanding individuals:
  • "If you were to make a commitment now, I'd suggest you make it to the people who are the most laid back...because then they don't have expectations of how you're supposed to behave at dinner, how you're supposed to feel, what they can say." (08:32)
• She’s emphatic about avoiding those who offer negative feedback or criticize someone's emotional state:
  • "Those are the people to avoid. Seriously, I don't care who they are. They're the people to avoid. Right now, only the people who are laid back…those are the ones who really care." (09:08)

6. Navigating Family and Parenting Guilt (09:54 – 12:30)

• Linda is also unsure how to communicate her needs to her adult sons (ages 21 and 25) and feels guilt about possibly pushing them away.
• Dr. Laura says honesty and openness are best:
  • "Tell your boys I'm not ready. If you'd like to go, I suggest you go if you feel comfortable. I'm just not ready. Don't feel you have to stay with me. It's nice, but it's not necessary." (10:05)
• Dr. Laura notes the difference in grief:
  • "They lost a parent. That's different than a husband...They're getting on with life in a different way because it's a different situation." (11:33)
• She suggests planning a relaxed gathering a few days after the holidays, shifting expectations to alleviate pressure and guilt for everyone.

7. Permission for Self-Care and Moving Forward (12:30 – 13:39)

• Dr. Laura urges Linda and listeners to stop feeling pressed to “be okay” for others:
  • "I'd like you just to take care of yourself now and not be imagining you have to be all okay because people are kind of pushing you to be." (13:06)
• She reiterates that self-care and honest communication are vital in times of grief.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura: "You're not here to please anybody anymore, if that's been your style of life. You're trying to figure out where you are in the universe now that you're without him." (05:00)
• Linda: "I'd like to think I could wake up on and be ready, but I'm just not." (10:53)
• Dr. Laura: "Those are the people to avoid. Seriously, I don't care who they are. They're the people to avoid. Right now, only the people who are laid back…those are the ones who really care." (09:08)
• Dr. Laura: "It's not pushing them away. It's saying, you know, I'm looking forward to next year, getting more into the season, but this time I think I'm going to lay low. So how about after Christmas, all four of you come and we'll go to brunch together somewhere and just be in a relaxed thing." (11:26)

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:56] – Linda introduces her problem: Holidays and grief after losing her husband
• [02:33] – Dr. Laura’s direct advice to focus on Linda's own needs, not other people’s expectations
• [03:36] – Discussion about permission to take space and ignore pushy or critical people
• [05:00] – Dr. Laura describes the shift in identity after spousal loss
• [08:32] – Who to spend the holidays with: The importance of laid-back, supportive company
• [10:05] – How to communicate openly and honestly to adult children about holiday plans
• [11:26] – Suggestion for an alternate family gathering after the holiday to relieve pressure
• [13:06] – Closing advice on self-care and resisting pressure to “be okay”

---

Tone & Language

Dr. Laura maintains her trademark blend of bluntness and warmth: she is direct, honest, and sometimes tough, but her advice is rooted in genuine care and empathy for her caller’s unique pain and confusion. Throughout the episode, she uses humor and firm language to cut through guilt and obligation, empowering Linda and listeners to set boundaries and prioritize their own healing journey.

---

Summary Prepared for Listeners Seeking Guidance on Coping with Grief During the Holidays.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

When you think Dr. Laura a web based store is not what comes to mind. But I have one and my Dr. Laura store, filled with fun, thought provoking merch is powered by Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses from household names like Mattel and Magic Spoon to brands that are just getting started. Shopify can help you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. Their AI tools can assist you with product descriptions and page headlines. And of course, Shopify has world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping, to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com DRLaura go to shopify.com DRLaura shopify.com DRLaura.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

The 2026 Chevy Equinox is more than an SUV. It's your Sunday tailgate and your parking lot snack bar. Your lucky jersey, your chairs and your big cooler fit perfectly in your even bigger cargo space. And when it's go time, your 11.3-inch diagonal touchscreen's got the playbook, the playlist and the tech to stay a step ahead. It's more than an suv. It's your Equino Chevrolet. Together, let's drive.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day brought to you by Vibrance Super C Serum, the skincare product I use twice a day. Visit vibrance.comdrlora to save 37% and get free shipping. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect.

With me 24, [e-mail] Linda welcome to the program.

[Caller Linda]

Hi Dr. Lara. First I just wanted to thank you. You're the reason 25 years ago I decided to be a stay at home mom and that really was been the greatest blessing. So thank you for that. I'm also calling about grief. I lost my husband 16 months ago unexpectedly and with the holidays coming up it's. I don't know how to handle my family members who want me to participate.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What is it you want to do?

I don't give a damn about what everybody wants from you or for you. I want you to take a breath, calm down and relax and tell me what you want right now for the holidays.

[Caller Linda]

It. I guess it's just going to depend how I feel.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Stop it. You didn't calm Down. I asked you to calm down before you answer. You didn't. I could hear it.

[Caller Linda]

I don't want to make a. I don't want to commit to doing anything. That's fine there.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Whoever has asked you to participate, tell them if I do, it'll be last minute. I don't want to make a commitment right now. That's all. It's the truth. And it doesn't matter what they want or what they think you should do. This is your time to deal with and deal with it as you choose.

[Caller Linda]

And if they take personally, screw them.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Then they're not friends and they don't care about you. Nobody who is a friend or cares about you would get their nose out of joint. Are you serious? No.

[Caller Linda]

Well, I just feel like. Because everyone's like, oh, you're going to be ready.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Ma'.

Am.

Ma', Am, I'm not going to continue our discussion until you calm down. So I need you to sit comfortably and take some deep breaths. I can do more for you if you calm down. So tell me when. I'm not going to hear that edge to your voice anymore.

[Caller Linda]

I think I'm calm. I think I'm just trying not to cry.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Cry? Why would you try not to cry?

[Caller Linda]

Well, because then it's hard to talk.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's okay.

I'll wait.

[Caller Linda]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He's dead. And everybody wants you to perform so they feel better. Come and have dinner, have a party, have drinks, do this, do that. You're going to feel much better. You're going to be surrounded. You may or may not. You may or may not be ready right now. And what they want and how they feel should not matter to you right now. You're not here to please anybody anymore, if that's been your style of life. You're trying to figure out where you are in the universe now that you're without him. It's not just that he's dead. It's that you had a particular life with him. It's not only that he's dead and you're grieving. It's who am I? What am I doing?

Do I go out to breakfast by myself?

Can I ride a bike by myself? Can I do anything? I feel stupid and I feel bad and alone. I mean, all this stuff is still being processed.

[Caller Linda]

Right?

[Chase Sapphire Reserve Commercial Announcer]

A Sapphire Reserve story from Ben Stiller.

People who want to get into entertainment always ask me for advice. And after shooting severance for Apple TV plus, I basically have a simple answer. Don't work with goats. They don't take direction. They eat your shoes. They're emotionally distant. I mean, I used to think certain actors were difficult, but goats are worse.

Sapphire Reserve now comes with Apple TV plus, including severance Chase Sapphire Reserve now even more rewarding See More [e-mail] Reserve IT cards issued by JPMorgan Chase bank and a member FDIC subject to credit approval terms apply. Apple and the Apple logo are trademarks of Apple Inc. Registered in the US and other countries.

[Fandango Commercial Announcer]

Family movie night just got easier with Fandango. Reserve seats in advance, skip the lines, and even cancel if plans change. Plus, with Fandango's fan club, save on every trip to the movies. Want to stay in with Fandango? At home, you can stream your family favorites right from the couch. Whether it's a weekend outing or a cozy night in Fandango makes movie magic simple for the whole family. Download the Fandango and Fandangoome app today.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

If your small business has a problem.

[Marshalls Commercial Announcer]

You could say, ugh, just my luck.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

But you should say, like a good.

[Chase Sapphire Reserve Commercial Announcer]

Neighbor, State Farm is there, and we'll.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

Help get you back in business. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

[Marshalls Commercial Announcer]

When it comes to gifting, everyone on your list deserves something special. Luckily, Marshall's buyers travel far and wide, hustling for great deals on amazing gifts so you don't have to. That means your mom gets that cashmere sweater, your best friend, that Italian leather bag, your co workers unwrap their favorite beauty brands, and your nephews the coolest new toys.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Go ahead.

[Marshalls Commercial Announcer]

At prices this good, you can. You can grab something for yourself, too. Marshalls we get the deals. You gift the good stuff. Shop [e-mail] or find a store near you.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

The 2026 Chevy Equinox is more than an SUV. It's your Sunday tailgate and your parking lot, snack bar. Your lucky jersey, your chairs and your big cooler fit perfectly in your even bigger cargo space. And when it's go time, your 11.3-inch diagonal touchscreen's got the playbook, the playlist, and and the tech to stay a step ahead. It's more than an suv. It's your Equinox Chevrolet.

[Fandango Commercial Announcer]

Together.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

Let's drive.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Now, you may feel better going to one or another of these because the people are more laid back. If you were to make a commitment now, I'd suggest you make it to the people who are the most laid back back. Because then they don't have expectations of.

How you're supposed to behave at dinner, how you're supposed to feel, what they can say.

See what I mean.

[Caller Linda]

Yeah, I've already gotten negative feedback that I'm not happy enough or in a good enough mood or.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Those are the people to avoid. Seriously, I don't care who they are. They're the people to avoid. Right now, only the people who are laid back saying, hey, if you feel like it, fine. If you come over and then you get uncomfortable, no problem. If you want to leave, it's all right. Just people who are talking to you like that, those are the ones who really care.

The others want the whole thing put.

Together again, all fixed on with it. And those are not the people you need. Sorry, you don't.

[Caller Linda]

Yeah. I'm not even sure what to tell my boys, you know, Do I? You know, I don't even know. I don't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

The truth. Stop trying to think there's something you're supposed to say or do that's correct. Tell your boys I'm not ready. If you'd like to go, I suggest you go if you feel comfortable. I'm just not ready. Don't feel you have to stay with me. It's nice, but it's not necessary if.

You'D like to go. The more laid back you are about.

The whole thing, the less pressured and hysterical and oppressed you're going to feel. You don't owe anybody anything here.

[Caller Linda]

Yeah. You know, I'd like to think I could wake up on and be ready, but I'm just not.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Linda, I don't even know why you think that. That's bizarre to me.

[Caller Linda]

Well, you know, I. I want to be with my children on the holidays. I feel bad. Push, kind of pushing them to do other things.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's not. I never suggested pushing them. How old are they, by the way?

[Caller Linda]

25 and 21. On their own.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are they married?

[Caller Linda]

No, but with. They have significant others that they will spend the day with.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. And they have their parents and all of that. It's not pushing them away. It's saying, you know, I'm looking forward to next year, getting more into the season, but this time I think I'm going to lay low. So how about after Christmas, all four of you come and we'll go to brunch together somewhere and just be in a relaxed thing. Because I. I'm going to say this to you, they're not in the same place you are. They lost a parent. That's different than a husband.

[Fandango Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

They're ready to be having sex and a good time with their significant others. They're already doing all of that because they lost a dad, which is expected in the world.

Parents die, you die, the kids die.

It just goes all the way that's expected. They're getting on with life in a different way because it's a different situation. Now they're going to feel guilt and miserable unless you make it clear that you would rather this year they just do whatever they need to do with their girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever. And that day or two after Christmas, you would like everybody, all four of them, to go to lunch with you. That would be nice. That would be relaxing and pleasant. Then you give them permission to get on with their lives. And yet we all come together and embrace and break bread a few days later. That's a nice compromise. I'd like you just to take care of yourself now and not be imagining you have to be all okay because people are kind of pushing you to be. Anyway, I hope that helps. My number 1-800-375-2872 if you like this.

Podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Chase Sapphire Reserve Commercial Announcer]

This is a vacation with Chase Sapphire Reserve. The Butler, the Spa. This is the Edit, a collection of.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

Handpicked luxury hotels and a $500 Edit.

[Chase Sapphire Reserve Commercial Announcer]

Credit Chase Sapphire Reserve.

[Chevy Equinox Commercial Announcer]

Now even more reward.

[Chase Sapphire Reserve Commercial Announcer]

Learn [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase bank and a member FDIC subject to credit approval.