How to Get the Best Out of Kids

Summary

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Dr. Laura Call of the Day: "How to Get the Best Out of Kids"

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 13, 2025

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Main Theme

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers practical, no-nonsense parenting advice to a mother struggling to motivate her 11-year-old daughter, who is dyslexic and has trouble with basic responsibilities at home, such as waking up on time and keeping her room tidy. Dr. Laura focuses on fostering accountability and independence in children by shifting parental approaches away from micromanagement and toward creative empowerment, clear boundaries, and natural consequences—always delivered with warmth (and sometimes a sense of humor).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Problem: Motivation and Responsibility at Home

• Caller’s Concern: Her 11-year-old daughter (dyslexic, generally a good kid at school) lacks motivation at home—specifically with mornings and chores.
• Context: Two daughters, fifth and sixth grade; the home is stable and loving.

2. Motivation Must Come from Within Children

• Dr. Laura’s Core Advice:

  "You're doing exactly the opposite of what you're supposed to do. Not supposed to get her motivated. That's got to come from within her." (02:43)

• Instead of trying to motivate kids directly, parents should create environments that encourage kids to act in their own self-interest.
  • For waking up: Give her a choice of alarm clocks—music or buzzer—so she has agency in the solution.
  • Missing the bus? Let her choose between walking or biking to school.
  • Let natural consequences (like being late and missing out on activities) do the teaching.

3. Use Creative Parenting, Not Control

• Dr. Laura shares a humorous story about an "embarrassment tactic"—a mother attending her son’s class in curlers to stop his bad behavior. The point: Be creatively involved to let consequences motivate, not nagging.

  "You have to be more creative. You can't motivate her." (04:12)

4. Parental Power: Stop Arguing, Start Manipulating (with a Smile)

• The difference between control and manipulation:
  • Control = ineffective, creates power struggles.
  • Manipulation (in Dr. Laura’s sense): Use smart strategies that shift real choices and consequences to the child, always with a cheerful attitude.

  "You have to be smarter than an 11-year-old...most parents aren't because they're trying to control instead of manipulate." (08:41)

5. Dealing with Chores and Cleanliness

• On cleaning rooms and laundry:
  • Present options with consequences: “Would you like these clothes donated or trashed?” All with a smile—no threats, no anger.
  • Let the room pile up for bigger impact. Dramatic interventions work better than constant minor battles.
• Always end on love:

  "Whenever you do an intervention like this, it has to end in a hug because that throws them completely through a loop because they're used to you being angry." (11:29)

6. Avoiding Comparisons Between Siblings

• The caller has a younger daughter (10) who keeps her room pristine and is likely “OCD,” which aggravates the situation and creates a comparison dynamic.
• Dr. Laura stresses:

  "One of the things you have to say is, hey, I'm not asking you to be like your 10-year-old sister...I'm just looking for average put away neat. That's the first thing you have to tell her." (13:26)

• Clarify expectations: Reassure the older daughter she isn’t expected to be perfect—just responsible.

7. Letting Go of Anger and Taking Back Parental Power

• The more a parent gets angry, the more defiant the child becomes.

  "The angrier you get, the more f you she gets." (10:26)

• When the parent shifts to calm, happy manipulation, it changes the family dynamic—and takes the emotional power away from the child.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Motivation:

  Dr. Laura: "You can't motivate her. You have to set up an environment which makes her really want to do these certain things because there's a positive payoff that she wants, okay?" (02:43)

• On Parental Power:

  Dr. Laura: "You have to be smarter than an 11 year old. And the reason why most parents aren’t is simply because they’re trying to control instead of manipulate." (08:41)

• On Handling Mess:

  Dr. Laura: "Would you like them donated to Goodwill or trash with a smile. As you're happy, you know you're not angry. The key to this is you using your smarts to manipulate and be happy." (09:33)

• On Ending with Love:

  Dr. Laura: "Whenever you do an intervention like this, it has to end in a hug because that throws them completely through a loop because they're used to you being angry." (11:29)

• On Sibling Comparisons:

  Dr. Laura: "I'm not asking you to be like your 10-year-old sister where she is really concerned about it. I'm just looking for average put away neat." (13:26)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:45] – Caller introduces her family and the issue
• [02:43] – Dr. Laura reframes motivation
• [03:15] – Humorous "embarrassment tactic" anecdote
• [08:41] – On becoming "smarter than your 11-year-old"
• [09:33 – 11:29] – Laundry strategy and the importance of ending with a hug
• [12:29 – 13:26] – Discussion on letting go, sibling differences, and clarifying expectations

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Final Takeaways

• Empower kids with real choices about how they meet their responsibilities.
• Let natural consequences do the teaching, rather than parental anger.
• Remove sibling comparison pressures by clarifying individualized expectations.
• Always wrap consequences in warmth and affection—making discipline less about power struggles and more about learning.
• When parents stop feeding the conflict, children lose their leverage for defiance and family peace is restored—with humor and grace.

For follow-up questions or to share your story: Call Dr. Laura at 1-800-375-2872 or visit her social media.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Laura, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you, Dr. Schlesinger. It's an honor and privilege to be with you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thank you. How can I help?

[Caller]

Well, Dr. Laura, I have an 11 year old daughter and I also have a 10 year old daughter, fifth and sixth grade and my 11 year old daughter.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Hold on. Are you married to their dad?

[Caller]

Yes. Yes I am. Happily.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Do you and your husband like each other?

[Caller]

Love each other.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, then continue. Just want to know if we're dealing with any shit in that department. Okay, go ahead.

[Caller]

No, my 11 year old, you know, overall she's a good kid. She's dyslexic, she struggles in school, but teachers rave about her of her work ethic and you know, she's a great kid, she's got a lot of friends. But at home I have a very difficult time getting her motivated, getting up in the morning.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, that's why you're having, that's why you're having trouble. Because you're doing exactly the opposite of what you're supposed to do. Not supposed to get her motivated. That's got to come from within her. You can't make it happen. You have to set up an environment which makes her really want to do these certain things because there's a positive payoff that she wants, okay?

[Caller]

To set up an environment.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I remember a million years ago, this woman came on. It was hysterical. Her kid, a boy, was going about 13, 14, was going to school and just being a nuisance in class. She put curlers on her hair, a frumpy dress, stuff on. No makeup or big lips. I don't remember what she did. And she went to class. She got permission from the principal. She went to class and sat there for the entire class. And then he didn't do that anymore because he didn't want his mother to show up. He was humiliated. Okay? And she was just sweet about it. Love you, honey. Doing good. So you have to be more creative. So in terms of getting up in the morning, you can ask her to make a choice. Does she want her very own clock that either turns on music or a buzzer to get up on time? Which one does she want? So you start giving her power. Okay. All right, then. So if you don't make the school bus or what have you, do you want to ride your bicycle or walk, in other words, each step of the way with a smile on your face, looking nice because you're giving her all these options. She makes decisions now she's not going to believe you for a bit that you'll actually make her walk. I mean, I had to walk to school a couple times and it was a long walk and you get there late and then you can't go out for PE or something because you have to sit in detention. So, you know, we all have to learn. So you're going to have to be creative. You can't motivate her.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

She's got to dig down deep and go, shit. I don't want to have to go through that or I really want to have that. You don't sit down to dinner on time. You don't get dinner. You wait for breakfast. It's okay. I don't mind if you're not hungry now. It's okay. You know, you go to sleep, that'll take up time. And you get up for breakfast and you'll probably be hungry, then it's okay. So in other words, you're giving her the power. It's okay. You have to be smarter than an 11 year old. And the reason why most parents aren't smarter than their 11 year olds is simply because they're trying to control instead of manipulate.

[Caller]

Yeah, same with cleaning her room or. Oh, yeah, anything.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Oh, yeah, you try to control. You argue, you threaten, you offer money. You go in and throw everything you know. So if after a while there are clothes that if she's supposed to clean them herself in the washing machine. Okay, so I notice that there are clothes all over the place. Would you like them donated to Goodwill or trash with a smile. As you're happy, you know you're not angry. The key to this is you using your smarts to manipulate and be happy. Because you know you are smarter. Right now most parents feel like they're dumber than their kids because the kids are in control.

[Caller]

I'm losing my mind and I'm just getting angry and.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Right, and the angrier you get, the more f you she gets.

[Caller]

Yes, totally.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So you're not angry anymore. Now you're laughing in your soup. See, you're laughing. Now you're not. You came on intense. You came on intense and now you're laughing. See how powerful this tool is? Seriously. So wait until the stuff in her room really piles up because then it's more dramatic. Okay, if you do it when there are just three things now, then you have to do it a million times. So you wait and you go. Okay. And you go in there with one of those brown trash bags. Mine are brown and big ones. And you go, so do you want this to go to Goodwill or the trash? Of course, ultimately it will go to Goodwill after you clean it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

But she doesn't know that you know?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So if she says trash it because she doesn't believe, you go. Okay. And walk. Give her a hug. Whenever you do an intervention like this, it has to end in a hug because that throws them completely through a loop because they're used to you being angry.

[Caller]

Yes. Yes. Yeah, totally. She has the power. I need to get.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Have fun. That's right. You're taking it back and she doesn't even know it. See, when you're watching a mafia movie and they get in each other's faces and then they start shooting each other, they're exchanging power. Okay, you're not exchanging power, you're giving it all to her. It's like you're doing an arm wrestle and you let go. What do they have to push against?

[Caller]

Nothing.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You were going to have so much fun with this. Now I need you to really spend time thinking about the motivation in these particular areas. And you have to understand, no kid likes to make their room neat.

[Caller]

Mm. Well, that's the problem is my 10 year old does well.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, you have an OCD kid.

[Caller]

Yeah, I do. 100%. I know, I know, I know and I know.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah, she'll drive you crazy in a different way.

[Caller]

You have to understand. So you have to understand. I've got one with like ocd, like room is clean and white and she likes all white bedding. I'm just like. And then I got the other one where it's like a tornado went off.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And. Well, but that's an important issue because the 11 year old thinks you want another 10 year old like in her.

[Caller]

Yes, yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So one of the things you have to say is, hey, I'm not asking you to be like your 10 year old sister where she is really concerned about it. I'm just looking for average put away need. That's the first thing you have to tell her because right now I believe she likely believes you want double dose of 10 year old.

[Caller]

Totally agreed.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Relieve her of that notion and have a good time and get back to me in about a week. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drwh and instagram.com drloraprogram Mazda Once you discover the Mazda CX90 plug in Hybrid Mazda it doesn't take long to get it. With three rows, a luxurious interior and the ability to go all electric, it's flexible enough for nearly any journey. It will have you saying Mazda. The Mazda CX90 plug in hybrid. It's made to move you.

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