How to Handle Childhood Tantrums

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast: How to Handle Childhood Tantrums

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: March 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on practical strategies for parents dealing with childhood tantrums, featuring a call-in from a parent struggling with his 4.5-year-old daughter’s extreme emotional outbursts and aggression, especially since starting Montessori school. Dr. Laura provides direct, candid advice rooted in her experience and parenting philosophy, emphasizing parental response as the key tool for improving challenging behaviors.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Concerns: Violent Tantrums & School Environment

[01:25–03:02]

• The caller describes his 4.5-year-old daughter’s “going offline”—escalating to scratching, hitting, and flopping on the ground when frustrated.
• Specific incidents: hitting a classmate with a shovel and scratching another child’s face.
• The parent notes similar behaviors occurred at home before school began.

Caller: “She can’t find the rock, and she... goes offline and will start scratching, hitting, flopping on the ground.”
[02:31]

2. Dr. Laura’s Take on Montessori & Child Temperament

[03:02–04:08]

• Dr. Laura shares her own skeptical view of Montessori’s rigid structure potentially clashing with certain types of kids.
• She asserts that the behaviors likely aren’t caused by the school, since signs were present before.

Dr. Laura: “Some kids are going to be better with [a controlling environment] than others. So, before you started the Montessori school, was your kid having severe reactions when frustrated?”
[03:54]

3. The Crux: It’s About the Parents’ Response

[06:56–07:42]

• Dr. Laura emphasizes: the key issue is not the school but how parents respond to these tantrums.
• She insists parents must educate themselves on handling tantrums—watch videos, read, and most importantly, practice consistent techniques.

Dr. Laura: “It’s not working. So you guys have to get more educated on handling tantrums... Go on the net, YouTube, look at a bunch... and learn how to do it. That’s it.”
[07:05]

4. Calm, Consistent Response vs. Escalation

[08:31–10:30]

• Dr. Laura explains that while tantrums are distressing, how parents handle them (“staying perfectly calm and not catering to it, not escalating it”) determines improvement.
• She gives a concrete example: if a toy moved causes a meltdown, respond calmly, help the child focus on solution (“tell me when you’re ready to get the toy”), and avoid reinforcing the behavior.

Dr. Laura: “So the kid’s looking at a totally calm parent. And if the kid wanted the toy, we’re directing the kid to accomplish her goal... She learns, don’t quit, get the toy, which is better than throwing yourself on the ground because you don’t get the toy unless mom hands it to you.”
[10:04]

5. Addressing Underlying Anger & Being Proactive

[07:57–08:31]

• Dr. Laura prompts the parent to reflect on possible anger sources in the home and recognizes some kids are born more intense.
• Nonetheless, learning to consistently manage and redirect these behaviors is within the parents’ reach.

Dr. Laura: “Unless you think she’s a four and a half year old homicidal maniac... you have to learn better how to handle her frustration and understand a little bit of where it comes from.”
[07:57]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura’s Montessori Anecdote: “He goes in, he plops down, and he just starts playing with the blocks... The teacher... instructed him how the blocks are supposed to be stacked. I picked him up, took him out and went home.”
  [03:14]

• Dr. Laura’s Bottom Line: “If she’s still doing it, then you haven’t learned how to take care of it yet.”
  [07:48]

• Empathy With Parental Challenge: “It’s scary and it’s uncomfortable for parents, but there are ways of handling that by staying perfectly calm...”
  [09:06]

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Key Takeaways

• Effective tantrum management starts with the parents. Knowledge, consistency, and a calm response are essential.

• Escalation and anxiety from the parent reinforce negative behaviors. A calm, directive response builds frustration tolerance.

• All children can learn better coping skills—parents are the primary teachers. The process is uncomfortable but critical for long-term emotional development.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:26] – Parent describes child’s aggressive outbursts
• [03:02] – Dr. Laura’s critique of Montessori fit
• [06:56] – Dr. Laura’s advice: educate yourself on tantrum techniques
• [07:47] – If problems persist, parents have not mastered management
• [08:31] – Early signs of temperament, example from infancy
• [09:04–10:30] – Detailed, calm, step-by-step approach to responding

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Conclusion

This episode is a concise masterclass in Dr. Laura’s no-nonsense, research-informed approach to parenting high-intensity young children. Her focus: Don’t blame school environments or the child’s temperament—work on your parenting toolkit. When you “stay perfectly calm and don’t cater to it, don’t escalate it, but direct it,” you help your child learn to navigate frustration with resilience and self-control.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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welcome to the program.

[Caller (Parent)]

Hi Dr. Laura, thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you. How can I help?

[Caller (Parent)]

Well, I'm calling. I have a four and a half year old daughter and we started her in a Montessori program this year and I've definitely have noticed some behaviors and some behaviors have come up that the school.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, what behaviors are you talking about?

[Caller (Parent)]

I would. She like emotionally goes offline, I guess is the best way to describe it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Four and a half.

[Caller (Parent)]

Absolutely. I, I agree 100%. It does kind of come out as violence and there.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Have you seen this behavior?

[Caller (Parent)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So describe what you saw, the whole scenario.

[Caller (Parent)]

So, okay, so she goes a half day, so I pick her up at noon. She likes to gather little things.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't want to hear any of that. I want you to tell me when you saw her be violent.

[Caller (Parent)]

Okay, so pick her up from school. She was collecting a rock or something from the playground for me and she can't find it. And she. The best way to describe she goes offline and we'll start scratching, hitting, flopping on the ground. I mean that's, it's. She's had a couple incidents with other kids. She I guess hit one in the head with a shovel and just last week she scratched another kid in the face.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, now before you put her in Montessori, which I will tell you, I had one experience there in one, and there are millions of these all over the country, maybe the world, I don't know. And we went in and there were these rugs and blocks and things like that. And so I was thinking of putting him in, you know, before I was thinking about it. So he goes in, he plops down and he just starts playing with the blocks and building his own thing. He liked to do that. He was going to build his own thing high up. And the teacher, talking to me, stopped talking to me, went over and instructed him how the blocks are supposed to be stacked. I picked him up, took him out and went home. So my one experience is that it's very controlling environment. I don't know how relevant that is to your situation, but some kids are going to be better with that than others. So I have to ask. Before you started the Montessori school, was your kid having severe reactions when frustrated?

[Caller (Parent)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so it has nothing to do with the school?

[Caller (Parent)]

Yes. Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Is that why you put her in school? So get her out of the house.

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[Caller (Parent)]

A little bit. I mean, she's, she's very bright and my wife was a big advocate and she always wanted Montessori. So we decided to try the half days.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But yeah, well, it's not working. It's not working. So you guys have to get more educated on handling tantrums because that's where it's going to stop, in how you guys handle the tantrum. So go on the net, YouTube, look at a bunch, half a dozen with video handling tantrums. Learn how to do it. That's it.

[Caller (Parent)]

Okay. I mean, we do, we have.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's it.

[Caller (Parent)]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Learn how to do it. If she's still doing it, then you haven't learned how to take care of it yet.

[Caller (Parent)]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Unless you think she's a four and a half year old homicidal maniac. Assuming that's not the case, then you have to learn better how to handle her frustration and understand a little bit of where it comes from. That's a lot of anger. You have any idea what in the house makes her angry? Other than,

[Caller (Parent)]

I mean, any ideas we got her in? I don't, I don't. I mean, I recognize the behavior, like at seven or eight months of like, wow, this is extra.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You know, wait a minute, she was seven or eight months old and violent?

[Caller (Parent)]

Maybe, maybe not violent, but like, like an example. I remember when she was first kind of propping her stuff up and kind of, you know, they walk along the couch and kind of. And there was something she was coming up to. I don't remember what it was, but my wife had moved it and the kid just, you know, flops on the ground. And, and it was, it was just like a very extreme, extreme reaction for

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

still, there are ways of handling that without adding to it. It's scary and it's uncomfortable for parents, but there are ways of handling that by staying perfectly calm and not catering to it, not escalating it, but directing it. So you need to learn some of these techniques. So please learn them and then your kid will be a happier kid who will be able to get along with people. Still can't handle frustration. I'm going to stop there because I'm not willing to escalate a notion when I think generally speaking, we just have to learn how to handle it and be consistent. My number one, 800, 375 like, the toy is moved. So she flops on the floor and you lean down and look at her and go, tell me when you're going to come get the toy. Do you want to get the toy right now? Do you want to get the toy later? I don't know if eight months. She understands any of that, but do you want the toy now? It's over here, Very calm. So the kid's looking at a totally calm parent. And if the kid wanted the toy, we're directing the kid to accomplish her goal of getting the toy. Then she learns, don't quit, get the toy. Which is better than throwing yourself on the ground because you don't get the toy unless mom hands it to you. My number 1-800-doctor Laura 1-800-375-2872 if you

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