I Can't Handle My Dad's Dementia

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I Can't Handle My Dad's Dementia"

Podcast Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Episode Title: I Can't Handle My Dad's Dementia
Release Date: August 12, 2025
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt and complex issue in this episode: the emotional and practical challenges of coping with a parent’s dementia. The episode delves into the personal story of Karen, a former high school teacher who sought Dr. Laura's guidance amidst her struggles with her father's deteriorating mental health.

1. Introduction to Karen’s Dilemma

Karen's Background and Career Sacrifice

Karen initiates the call explaining her difficult decision two years prior to leave her beloved teaching job to care for her father, who was diagnosed with dementia.

Karen (01:14): "Two years ago, two years, two months, I left my high school teaching job, which I loved. My dad's health became quite clear that he had dementia."

Dr. Laura immediately questions Karen’s decision, challenging the connection between her career sacrifice and her father’s illness.

Dr. Laura (01:34): "Why the hell would you give up your career because your dad had dementia?"

2. Understanding the Connection

Impact of the Pandemic on Teaching

Karen elaborates that the pandemic significantly altered her teaching environment, making it impossible to engage her students effectively as before. This professional frustration compounded her responsibilities at home.

Karen (01:53): "After the pandemic... I was not being able to do what I had always done, and that was really hold kids accountable, make them do their work, make them learn..."

Family Background

Karen shares her family history, highlighting that she was raised solely by her father after her mother left when Karen was four years old.

Karen (03:45): "She started a new life, a new family... my dad was awarded custody of my brother and myself because my mom did not show up on court day."

This deepens the emotional weight Karen places on her father's care, given their close-knit history.

3. Current Caregiving Situation

Caretaking Responsibilities

Karen describes the extent of her caregiving duties, including moving her father from assisted living to a board and care facility after his behavior led to eviction.

Karen (05:06): "Over the first 13 months he was in assisted living... then he was evicted... now he has been at board and care, a home with six residents."

This transition has somewhat alleviated her daily burden, but the emotional strain remains.

4. Coping with Emotional Strain and Setting Boundaries

Dr. Laura’s Stern Advice

Dr. Laura provides a blunt yet impactful perspective, emphasizing that dementia alters a person fundamentally, and Karen needs to prioritize her well-being by distancing herself emotionally and physically from her father's negative behaviors.

Dr. Laura (09:24): "Spend a lot less time with him. He's not there anymore."

She reinforces this by highlighting the irreversible nature of dementia, suggesting that Karen's father is no longer the man he once was.

Dr. Laura (09:51): "When it mattered, when he understood that you were sacrificing for him, he was there. His Brain knew that his daughter responded. You just need to listen now."

Encouraging Independence and Self-Care

Dr. Laura encourages Karen to let go of guilt and recognize that her father's condition is beyond her control, advocating for her to reclaim her life and pursue new opportunities.

Dr. Laura (10:53): "The person is dead. The body is alive... So it's okay to float away."

Karen responds positively, expressing readiness to move forward and seek new employment.

Karen (12:22): "I have a job interview next week... I'm ready to just do something that's not consumed with him."

5. Conclusion and Takeaways

Empowerment and Moving Forward

The conversation concludes with Dr. Laura reaffirming Karen’s decision to seek independence and encouraging her to embrace the changes necessary for her emotional health.

Dr. Laura (12:33): "Excellent. That was my next nag. You cut off my next nag, cut me off of the pass. To show up and make it happen."

Karen expresses gratitude, acknowledging the therapeutic impact of Dr. Laura’s advice.

Karen (13:02): "I can't thank you enough... I needed a little nurturing... I needed to also be a realist."

Key Takeaways:

• Prioritizing Self-Care: It is essential to recognize when caregiving becomes detrimental to one's own well-being.
• Setting Boundaries: Establishing emotional and physical boundaries is crucial when dealing with a loved one’s debilitating illness.
• Embracing Change: Moving forward and seeking new opportunities can lead to personal growth and healing.

Dr. Laura’s no-nonsense approach provides Karen—and listeners in similar situations—with practical advice on balancing familial responsibilities with personal mental health. The episode underscores the importance of self-responsibility and ethical accountability in the face of emotionally taxing challenges.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura (09:24): "Spend a lot less time with him. He's not there anymore."
• Karen (12:22): "I have a job interview next week... I'm ready to just do something that's not consumed with him."
• Dr. Laura (12:33): "You cut off my next nag, cut me off of the pass. To show up and make it happen."

These poignant exchanges encapsulate the episode's core message: the necessity of letting go and reclaiming one's life amidst the chaos of a loved one's illness.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Karen, welcome to the program.

[Karen]

Thank you, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome. What's up?

[Karen]

I'm calling you today because I feel like I need some mother Laura health and advice and word.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Karen]

Continue to tell myself when I'm not listening to you or just. You can help me through my dilemma.

[Dr. Laura]

I'll do my best. What's up?

[Karen]

Okay. Two years ago, two years, two months, I left my high school teaching job, which I loved. I. I know that I changed life, but my dad's health became quite clear that he had dementia. And now.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I want to stop you here because I have a question to start out with. Why the hell would you give up your career because your dad had dementia? I don't understand why the two have to. I do not understand why you decided the two were connected.

[Karen]

The two were connected for me. No, semi connected. First of all, after the pandemic, the school that I was at, without naming names, and a lot of schools changed in the pandemic, I was a high school teacher, and we had to be really easy on the kids, and I could no longer teach the way I wanted to. So I was not being able. I was not able to do what I had always done, and that was really hold kids accountable, make them do their work, make them learn, help them to.

[Dr. Laura]

What a stupid idea. Where did you come up with those ideas?

[Karen]

Where I came up with.

[Dr. Laura]

To teach those in school. What are you nuts? I'm having fun with you, Karen. Okay, I understand better now.

[Karen]

No, no. But now I can laugh because that's the same conversation I had with administrators. Isn't that my job? I understand. Thank you, Doctor. I'm nervous.

[Dr. Laura]

It's all right.

[Karen]

Okay. I needed that. So I was not getting or doing what I had always done right and was able to accomplish, and it became abundantly Clear to me almost overnight that my dad was in deep doo doo driving uninsured. We were just very close to. He lost his home insurance because he didn't. He didn't think he had any money. And I came in.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry. Was your mother alive? Was he married to somebody? Are you married to somebody?

[Karen]

I'm married to a wonderful man who is a huge Dr. Laura listener. And my mom left my brother and I when I was four and he was two.

[Dr. Laura]

That was nice.

[Karen]

Yeah. She started a new life, a new family. This was in 1969, where you didn't have a lot of daycares, nurseries. My dad was awarded custody of my brother and myself because my mom did not show up on court day. And so my dad was my only parent, so.

[Dr. Laura]

Got it.

[Karen]

He was my mom and my dad.

[Dr. Laura]

So I can understand why you feel highly motivated and how can I help you with the current situation.

[Karen]

So. The current situation. Thank you for recognizing that my dad was always there for me. Is that my dad is no longer my dad. At least that's what I am learning and seeing. I told your screener I attend monthly dementia caregiver classes.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, describe to me the dimensions of your caretaking. Are you there every day? Are you there every hour? Is there anybody else? Is he in a memory care place? I just want to know the situation.

[Karen]

Over the first 13 months he was in assisted living because I thought that he could manage that. So I was there two to three times a day, cleaning his messes up, saving him when he would allow me. And then he was evicted from that place because he wouldn't start escaping or as they call it, eloping. So I had 30 days in the state of California to find a new place. And I'm very fortunate because the last 13 months he has been at board and care, a home with six residents. So that has taken a lot.

[Dr. Laura]

Who takes care of the residents?

[Karen]

It is a. It a board and care run by caregivers.

[Dr. Laura]

I see. Well, good. That takes the pressure off you. So what's the circumstance that you called me about today?

[Karen]

I need to learn, Dr. Laura, how to let my dad's cruel ways.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry. Let your dad what I didn't understand. Let him what?

[Karen]

I need to. I need help finding a way to let go of my dad's cruel ways towards me. He's super angry and.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, his. His brain is screwed. He's not angry.

[Karen]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

You're making a mistake.

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Karen]

Okay? Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And I. I have an opinion and I'm going to lay it on you, okay? Spend a lot less time with him. He's not there anymore.

[Karen]

How did you know that? I. Guilt my. And I know what you say about guilt, but I, I. My brother lives in Los Angeles, okay?

[Dr. Laura]

I don't care about your brother.

[Karen]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

I don't care about anybody else. Your dad's gone. When it mattered, when he understood that you were sacrificing for him, he was there. His Brain knew that his daughter responded. You just need to listen now. When his brain was still able to work for him, he knew what his daughter had given up for him. Kind of halfway after that, he's gone. The thing about this disease is the person is dead. The body is alive, and he's in a board and care and he has caretaking and he has other people there. He's not alone. So it's okay to float away.

[Karen]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

He's okay. Now you can float away.

[Karen]

Yeah. Thank you so much. I. I'm going to remember these words and when my car wants to drive there, I don't have to.

[Dr. Laura]

And you say, he's okay. I'm floating away. He's okay. When you see him and he acts anyway, that's just his brain being scrambled eggs.

[Karen]

Okay. Well, I can't thank you enough. You know, I. I never had a mom. And I was stay at home mom because of what you teach and because my husband so believes in. In what you say. And he turned me on to you years and years ago when our kids. Before our kids were born, actually. I think so. I. I had a good feeling that you could help me. And I just needed a little nurturing. But I needed. Yeah, I needed to also be a realist. Because the disease is real.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes total sense. Sweetheart.

[Karen]

Yeah. I have a job interview next week. Not for teaching, but I. I'm ready to just do something that's not consumed with him.

[Dr. Laura]

Excellent. That was my next nag. You cut off my next nag, cut me off of the pass.

[Karen]

I was listening before you took my call and I heard about just doing. And that's what I wanted.

[Dr. Laura]

To show up and make it happen. Right?

[Karen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

All right. I'm glad you called me. Karen. Thank you very much.

[Karen]

Thank you so much for taking my call. And I'm going to listen again and I like to take notes and that will help me. That helps when I'm in a situation to look back and remember what you said to me. So I appreciate you and give your.

[Dr. Laura]

Husband a hug for me that he quotes, turned you on to my show. All right. My number. Maybe I can help you.

[Karen]

Hmm.

[Dr. Laura]

You have to show up to let me do it. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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