I Can't Stand My Husband's B.O.

Summary

Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: "I Can't Stand My Husband's B.O."
Date: August 19, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Kerry

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Kerry, a listener seeking advice about her 71-year-old husband's declining hygiene and ongoing health issues. The conversation explores the dynamics of marriage, boundaries, and self-respect, especially when caregiving and difficult circumstances are involved. Dr. Laura offers her signature direct and no-nonsense guidance, urging Kerry to enforce clear boundaries for her own well-being.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kerry’s Situation & Husband’s Health

• [01:20] Kerry shares her concerns about her husband's hygiene and worsening health, stating he has had:
  • Triple bypass
  • Stroke
  • Advanced vascular disease
  • History of poor lifestyle (drinking, bad eating, smoking)
• He won't give up alcohol or beer, even though his health continues to decline.
• Notable Insight: Despite health troubles, he is not abusive, but has become increasingly neglectful of himself.

2. Hygiene Neglect and Marital Strain

• [02:35] Since retirement and increased health issues, he neglects basic hygiene—sometimes not showering for three or four weeks.
• Kerry describes moving out of their bedroom due to his snoring and lack of cleanliness, which upset her husband. She returned to the bedroom but remains “at her wit’s end.”
• [03:47] Dr. Laura’s Response:

  “It’s perfectly okay to hurt his feelings. …If he doesn’t take a shower and it’s offensive, it should hurt his feelings to find it out. He doesn’t mind hurting yours.”
  (03:47)

3. Boundaries, Accountability, and Consequences

• Dr. Laura encourages Kerry to insist on minimum hygiene standards, equating her husband’s refusal to take care of himself as disrespectful and, ultimately, a form of abuse.
• Enforceable Rule Suggested: Move out of bedroom until he commits to showering regularly; only move back in if he meets this basic standard.
• Memorable Quote:

  “I’m not going to allow you to hurt me. And not sleeping hurts me. And it’s offensive and creepy, crawly, you know, bacteria, viruses and everything else. So, sweetheart, if you would like me to be in the bedroom, you earn it by a shower every night.”
  — Dr. Laura (04:17 – 04:43)

4. Addressing Enabling and Self-Deception

• Kerry tries to defend her husband as "sweet,” but Dr. Laura pushes back:

  “He’s not sweet. ...You’re easy to please then.”
  (04:54 – 04:59)

• Dr. Laura labels Kerry’s pattern of tolerating this as misguided kindness and points out the difference between words ("I love you," compliments) and actions:

  “And calling you beautiful and saying I love you is small potatoes when he doesn’t follow it up doing the things he knows he ought to do to make your life better. So don’t tell me about this nice, sweet man. This is bullshit.”
  (08:26 – 08:43)

5. Ultimatums and Support

• Dr. Laura suggests the ultimate recourse may be leaving the home if the behavior doesn’t change.
• Kerry explains she has already installed a downstairs shower and chair for his convenience—demonstrating she is supportive.
• Dr. Laura notes he is “of sound mind… just not handling his life with grace.”
  (09:20 – 09:35)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Healthy Boundaries:

  “Because he’s sick and old doesn’t give him the right to become abusive.”
  — Dr. Laura (05:04)

• On Taking Action:

  “He either follows through or that’s it.”
  — Dr. Laura (09:20)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:20] Kerry introduces her husband’s health and lifestyle issues.
• [02:35] Discussion about his hygiene and Kerry moving out of the bedroom.
• [03:47 – 04:43] Dr. Laura’s advice to set boundaries, including leaving the bedroom.
• [04:54 – 05:04] Dr. Laura challenges Kerry’s perception of her husband’s “sweetness.”
• [08:26 – 08:43] Emphasis on actions over words and calling out “bullshit.”
• [09:20 – 09:35] Dr. Laura reinforces consequences and acknowledges Kerry’s efforts.

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Tone and Language

• Dr. Laura is direct, assertive, and sometimes blunt, employing strong language to jolt Kerry from passivity.
• She combines tough love with empathy, encouraging self-respect and accountability.

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Summary Takeaway

Dr. Laura’s guidance hinges on the premise that mutual respect is essential for marriage, regardless of age or illness. She instructs Kerry to stop enabling her husband’s neglectful behavior, maintain her own boundaries, and require at least basic self-care as proof of love and respect. Words of affection are meaningless without supportive action—a recurring theme in Dr. Laura’s tough but caring advice style.

Transcript

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[Caller/Kerry]

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[Caller/Kerry]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Kerry, welcome to the program.

[Caller/Kerry]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking this off.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome. How can I help?

[Caller/Kerry]

Well, I am 56 years old and I've been married for 28 years. My husband is 71 and he's got a lot of health issues that we've dealt with. You know, over the last probably 10 years they've gotten worse. But he.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What, what are these health issues that may help me to understand his state of mind. So what are the health issues?

[Caller/Kerry]

He has had a triple bypass, a stroke, he's got advanced vascular disease. Name it, he's got it mostly self inflicted through drinking and bad eating. You know, like he's tried to get. He gave up smoking recently and he's tried to give up the bad foods, but he can't give up the alcohol and the beer. But he's not abusive or nothing. He's just, he's like hurting himself and no matter how hard I try, I can't get him to stop.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What was he like when you married him?

[Caller/Kerry]

He. Well, I'm not really complaining about that because when I married him he drank, but not excessively. He was just a hard worker. And then, you know, on his days off he might have a six pack or whatever, but he's never been like a really bad alcoholic of some sort. It's just since he's retired in 2016 and as his health is getting worse, he's just starting to turn more and more towards it and. But he's also starting to not take care of himself hygiene wise. And that's the big thing that I wanted to talk to you about is he, you know, he raised kids and worked hard his whole life and was a great husband, but now, you know, he won't get take care of himself with like, he's got sleep apnea, he won't shower. Sometimes he'll go three, four weeks. And I, you know, I moved out of the room once and he got really upset for going into the other bedroom, but I moved back in with him. And between the snoring and the not taking a shower, I don't know how to address it without hurting his feelings. I don't know how to handle.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's perfectly okay to hurt his feelings. It's perfectly okay. I don't know why you think we're supposed to walk around. Oh, that's it. Colleges have safe spaces where your feelings won't be hurt. If he doesn't take a shower and it's offensive, it should hurt his feelings to find it out. He doesn't mind hurting yours. He's not doing anything that can be done with asleep apnea because he doesn't give a shit.

[Caller/Kerry]

He don't care.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So, yeah, I think you ought to move back out and to the other place and just say, you know what? You don't shower, you're not taking care of the snoring. I'm not going to allow you to hurt me. And not sleeping hurts me. And it's offensive and creepy, crawly, you know, bacteria, viruses and everything else. So, sweetheart, if you would like me to be in the bedroom, you earn it by a shower every night.

[Caller/Kerry]

Okay? Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Stop being such a. Stop being such a scaredy cat. Stop it.

[Caller/Kerry]

Well, it's just because he's so sweet to me, you know, he's always telling me I'm.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He's not sweet, he's. Well, you're easy to please then.

[Caller/Kerry]

I am, I am. But you know, and I don't want to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Ma', am, stop talking. Stop talking. Stop. I don't think I can reach you. You have a bizarre way of looking at the world from mine. Because he's sick and old doesn't give him the right to become abusive.

[Caller/Kerry]

You're right. Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And this is abusive behavior.

[Caller/Kerry]

You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And calling you beautiful and saying I love you is small potatoes when he doesn't follow it up doing the things he knows he ought to do to make your life better. So don't tell me about this nice, sweet man. This is bullshit.

[Caller/Kerry]

Thank you. I need to hear that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And if after making it clear that you're not going to be in the room for this and you're not going to do that unless he holds up his end of the bargain and you will help him as much as possible. You will put things in the shower so he can sit that you're going to make it convenient, but he's going to do it because if not, you may at one point stop living in the house.

[Caller/Kerry]

Yeah, we already did that. I put a shower downstairs, paid for that to be put in, and I put a shower chair.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He either follows through or that's it. He's of sound mind. He's just not handling his life with grace.

[Caller/Kerry]

Correct. Okay. All right. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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