I Don't Know How to Talk to My Stepdaughter

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: I Don't Know How to Talk to My Stepdaughter
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: November 15, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura addresses a deeply personal dilemma from a longtime stepmother struggling to communicate with her adult stepdaughter, who deals with anxiety and depression. Through a candid, insightful caller interaction, Dr. Laura sheds light on the complexities of stepfamily relationships, the dangers of unintentionally invalidating someone’s identity tied to their struggles, and offers practical, empathetic advice on building trust and connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: Family Dynamics and History

• [01:30] The caller, Deborah, is a stepmother of 20 years to a 36-year-old stepdaughter. She explains the complicated family background:
  • The stepdaughter’s mother left when she was 12, entering a same-sex relationship, and has been inconsistently involved since.
  • The family has a history of anxiety and depression, especially among the women, although Dr. Laura notes:

    “No, it’s just really typical these days. I wouldn’t put too much into it.” – Dr. Laura [03:30]

2. The Core Issue: Unintentional Hurt During Vulnerable Moments

• [03:37] Caller shares struggle: While she and her stepdaughter have “wonderful, quality moments,” there are times when attempts at comfort seem to make things worse.
  • Example: Stepdaughter confides about still struggling with depression and anxiety; caller says,

    “Gosh, I feel so bad for you. I hope that someday you can feel better.”

  • The stepdaughter responded with visible frustration.

3. Identity & Mental Health: Powerful Guidance from Dr. Laura

• [04:43] Dr. Laura responds directly and compassionately:

  “Sweetheart, that was one of the worst things you could have said, and I’ll tell you why.”

  • [07:12] After a break, Dr. Laura expands:

    “You ought to read my book, Bad Childhood, Good Life, because in that I talk about how people accumulate enough thoughts and experiences that they embrace wholeheartedly—seemingly not, but actually embrace—as an identity. And what you said is, ‘I hope one day your identity is gone.’ Now. There was no way for you to know that. … That’s why I’m useful for you right now.”

• [07:50] Dr. Laura clarifies:

  “So in general, anything you say which is perceived by her as a denial of the value of her identity will be met with rage. Because that’s defensive.”

4. Emotional Reactions and Step-Relationship Insecurity

• [08:05] The caller reveals a therapist once asked, “Why do you care if she likes you?”
  • Dr. Laura interjects, using her trademark directness and humor:

    “Because she’s my stepdaughter, bitch.” – Dr. Laura [08:17]

5. Transforming Interactions: What To Say Next Time

• [08:52] Prescription For Change:
  • Dr. Laura’s advice for future moments:

    “When she brings that up again, get up, walk over and hug her and say something like, ‘I’m proud of you. How well you do with these struggles.’”

  • She stresses not to reiterate the struggle or focus on her own feelings, but to compliment the stepdaughter’s resilience and ability to cope.

    “This has to be all about complimenting her.” – Dr. Laura [09:23]

6. The Power of Simple Validation

• [09:32] The stepmother expresses gratitude and surprise at the elegant solution:

  “So simple and elegant. Ah, thank you.” – Caller [09:48]

  • Dr. Laura encourages keeping it concise and sincere:

    “Don’t defend anything with me. I’m just trying to help you. For next time, cut out all the other chatter.” – Dr. Laura [09:42]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On identity and empathy:

  “What you said is, ‘I hope one day your identity is gone.’ … There was no way for you to know that.” – Dr. Laura [07:12]

• On why step-relationships matter:

  “Because she’s my stepdaughter, bitch.” – Dr. Laura [08:17]

• On how to show support:

  “I’m proud of you. How well you do with these struggles. … She’ll like that.” – Dr. Laura [08:52]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:30] Caller describes family background and stepdaughter’s history
• [03:37] Caller describes the core communication challenge and emotional blowups
• [04:43] Dr. Laura critiques the caller’s attempt to comfort
• [07:12] Dr. Laura explains identity and mental health reactions
• [08:52] Dr. Laura gives her transformative advice for future interactions
• [09:32] Caller expresses insight and gratitude for the new approach

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Tone & Takeaways

• Direct, compassionate, occasionally irreverent: Dr. Laura offers tough love, deep insight, and practical strategies in her signature style.
• Major takeaway: When supporting someone living with a mental health diagnosis, avoid inadvertently challenging core aspects of their identity. Instead, genuinely recognize their strength and resilience.
• Actionable advice: Next time the stepdaughter shares her struggles, focus on affirmation ("I’m proud of you for how you handle these struggles") and physical comfort (a hug), rather than expressing hope for a “cure” or solution.

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For listeners navigating fragile family ties, especially as a stepparent, Dr. Laura’s advice provides not only a roadmap to peace but a reminder that sometimes, the simplest affirmations offer the most healing.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day sponsored by Native Path Collagen, the collagen I take daily to support healthy joints, skin, bones and guts. Go to getnativepath.com drlaura for free shipping and a special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail price. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 247 at DrLora. Deborah, welcome to the program.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Oh my goodness. I can't believe I'm speaking with you. I'm. I'm very happy to be speaking with you. Thank you. Is coming up. You know how the holidays can be. I have a stepdaughter. She's 36.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. How long have you been married to her dad?

[Caller (Stepmother)]

20 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Is her mom involved in her life?

[Caller (Stepmother)]

It's kind of hot and cold. Like she mother left, thought she was in love with another woman when she was. When Little Liz was 12 and a half and so I guess I hadn't been listening to your show. I would have just insisted that wait a long time, but we dated three and a half years and I didn't move in until 10 days. 10 days before the wedding. But. I know that doesn't matter, but, but anyway, the mother. They're very judgmental.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I have a question for you. It's so unromantic. Why didn't you wait till you were married to then move in and he'd carry you over the threshold. How come you passed on that?

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Oh, I had to sell a house, move my office, plan the wedding and do all this stuff. So it was a lot of.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Too bad.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

We have a pretty good relationship.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Did you make any babies with this guy in the 20 years?

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Oh, no. I was 50 when we got married. He was and he was 51.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And did you bring any kids into this marriage?

[Caller (Stepmother)]

My daughter's adult, and his other two kids are adults, too, so she was the last one. But that whole family, they struggle with the girls. Struggle with. His sister had three girls. They all struggled with anxiety and some depression. He had three girls. Two out of three of them struggle with anxiety and depression. It's weird. It's like it runs in a family.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, it's just really typical these days. I wouldn't put too much into it. So how can I help you today?

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Okay. Well, we. We often have wonderful, quality moments together, she and I. We don't live together. We did for, you know, obviously then we did when she was a teenager. But we've had some really quality moments together. But every now and then I'll say something when I'm trying to comfort her and she goes out of her mind. I'll give you it happened twice, like a year and a half apart. And I'm scared to that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah. Give me an example.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Wrong again. The first time was we're sitting around in the living room and she just said, you know, everybody thinks I'm doing well. She said, I still struggle. Like, she's talking about the depression and the anxiety. And all I said to her was, gosh, I feel so bad for you. I hope that someday you can feel better. Because she's told me before, I know what it's like to feel normal. And when. Before she. I think this all hit her when she was about 20 years old. But anyway, she said, I know what it's like to feel normal. I was just saying I really hope that someday you can just find a way to, you know that. She's worked on therapy, medication.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, sweetheart, Sweetheart, that was one of the worst things you could have said, and I'll tell you why.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You ought to read my book, Bad Childhood, Good Life, because in that I talk about how people accumulate enough thoughts and experiences that they embrace wholeheartedly. Seemingly not, but actually embrace as an identity. And what you said is, I hope one day your identity is gone. Now. There was no way for you to know that. There was no way for you to know that at the time. That's why I'm useful for you right now.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Oh, you are brilliant. I mean, that is crazy because I was suspecting that and that's why I was calling.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So in general, anything you say which is perceived by her as a denial of the value of her identity will be met with rage. Because that's defensive.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Oh, my goodness. I am. I'm stunned. You know, I did try going to a therapist a little while ago. You know what she said to me? She said, why do you care if she likes you or not?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Because she's my stepdaughter bitch.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Thank you. And I'm like, oh, my God, Dr. Laura, you have just. You've hit. Because I suspect. Because I was doing a lot of reading about this, you know, like, trying to figure it out, and I. And No. You know what? It might have been you on another call maybe alluded to something like this. It wasn't the same situation, but I stripped her identity. I didn't strip it. I was taking it away or not validating it. And she got defensive on that. Oh, wow. And then I did it a second time.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you're not going to do it a third time. When she brings that up again, get up, walk over and hug her and say something like, let me figure this out. Something like, I'm proud of you. How well you do with these struggles. Yeah, I think she'll like that.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Sharing with me that she's got the struggles.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, don't do that.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

You know what I mean?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Okay. No, no.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This has to be all about complimenting her.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Yes. Hug.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm proud of you for how you handle these struggles. Proud of you.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

And I'm sincere. I am sincere because I don't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Don't defend anything with me. I'm just trying to help you. For next time, cut out all the other chatter.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Yeah, okay. I mean, it's. It's great. I. Wow. So simple and elegant. Ah, thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

All right.

[Caller (Stepmother)]

Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're very welcome. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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