I Don't Like Supporting My In-Laws

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I Don't Like Supporting My In-Laws"
Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Released on June 7, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "I Don't Like Supporting My In-Laws," Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a caller's concerns about her husband's undisclosed financial support to his troubled brother. This discussion delves into themes of financial transparency, marital trust, and family obligations, offering listeners practical advice grounded in accountability and personal responsibility.

Caller’s Situation

The caller, a 64-year-old homemaker married for 40 years, reaches out feeling betrayed after discovering that her husband, aged 65, transferred $2,500 to his 64-year-old brother—a man characterized by instability, including issues with employment, incarceration, and substance abuse. Despite the couple's financial security, the caller is distressed because:

• Their marriage is built on shared financial responsibility, with her never taking a paycheck and adhering strictly to a monthly budget of $3,000.
• The husband’s unilateral decision to send money without prior discussion led to a significant argument.
• She perceives his actions as a betrayal, emphasizing that while money itself isn't the issue, the secrecy and misuse of principal funds are deeply troubling.

Notable Quote:

"I feel betrayed."
— Caller [00:42]

Dr. Laura’s Analysis and Questions

Dr. Laura begins by probing the dynamics of their financial arrangement to better understand the underlying issues:

1. Financial Autonomy: She inquires whether the caller has an allowance within their budget and if she needs to seek approval for purchases.

   Dr. Laura: "Do you have to check with him when you buy things?
   — Dr. Laura [02:04]"

2. Budget Allocation: Clarifies that the caller manages essentials like groceries and supports their children’s education, highlighting her responsible financial management.

3. Professional Background: Explores the caller's unused qualifications in counseling, teaching, and insurance, uncovering possible feelings of unfulfilled potential or generational pressures.

4. Marriage History: Notes that the caller has been a full-time homemaker for over a decade, contributing significantly to the family's welfare without personal financial gain.

Notable Quotes:

"Why did you do all those things if you weren't going to do anything with them?"
— Dr. Laura [05:26]

"Generationally, I was raised by immigrant parents who said I had to be a teacher."
— Caller [05:48]

Dr. Laura’s Perspective and Advice

Dr. Laura offers her interpretation of the husband's behavior, suggesting that his actions stem from a deep-seated need to care for extended family, a trait she identifies as intrinsic to his character.

1. Understanding Motivations:

   • She posits that the husband's declaration, "I can do what I want," reflects a childlike response aimed at avoiding confrontation rather than genuine disregard for the caller’s feelings.

     Dr. Laura: "The reason he yelled, I can do what I want, like a pouty teenager."
     — Dr. Laura [06:24]

2. Reframing the Situation:

   • Encourages the caller to recognize that her husband's actions are not a reflection of mistrust but rather his fear of her potential negativity.

     Dr. Laura: "He's scared of you. I think you ignored that part, so make yourself less scary."
     — Dr. Laura [07:24]

3. Improving Communication:

   • Advises the caller to soften her approach, acknowledge her husband's intentions, and express understanding of his familial obligations to foster a more harmonious relationship.

     Dr. Laura: "How about you hug him and say, you know, I know it means something to you because you're always taking care of your family."
     — Dr. Laura [07:15]

4. Acceptance and Adaptation:

   • Suggests that the caller accept this aspect of her husband's personality as part of the complexities of marriage, thereby reducing personal frustration.

     Dr. Laura: "Accept it as the not your favorite part of being married."
     — Dr. Laura [07:29]

Conclusion:

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of empathy and open communication in addressing marital disputes over financial decisions. By understanding the husband's motivations and adjusting her own responses, the caller can navigate feelings of betrayal and strengthen their relationship. The advice centers on shifting perspective, reducing personal defensiveness, and fostering supportive dialogue to accommodate each other's needs and fears.

Additional Resources:

Listeners are encouraged to reach out to Dr. Laura via her contact number, 1-800-375-2872, and engage with her social media platforms for more insights and personal stories.

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Notable Quotes Recap:

• "I feel betrayed."
  — Caller [00:42]

• "Do you have to check with him when you buy things?"
  — Dr. Laura [02:04]

• "Why did you do all those things if you weren't going to do anything with them?"
  — Dr. Laura [05:26]

• "He's scared of you. I think you ignored that part, so make yourself less scary."
  — Dr. Laura [07:24]

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This episode provides valuable insights into managing financial transparency and familial obligations within a marriage, highlighting the delicate balance between personal responsibility and empathetic understanding.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX. Dennis, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You are very welcome.

[Caller]

Here's my situation. I'm 64. My husband's 65. Been married for 40 years. We dated six. We raised three professional children. We're financially secure. My husband has a 64 year old deadbeat brother. Divorce, lost his kids, can't keep a job, Jail, drugs, the whole bit. Something I've never done. But I saw he zelled $2,500 to his brother without saying anything. And when I asked him why he wouldn't have told me, he angrily answered in reply that he doesn't have to. This led to a major argument between us. Huge. And I feel betrayed. And he's adamant he could do whatever he wants with our money. I was a full time homemaker then. I worked with my husband for 10 years never getting a paycheck. Assuming we're in it together. I've never taken out any sums of money from our accounts. I live off a budget of $3,000 a month and he has a million dollar a year income and we live in a million dollar home. Money's not the issue. It was the principal. I feel betrayed.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I have a few questions to ask you. In the duration of your marriage, this amount of money you have every month, is it an allowance?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you have to check with him when you buy things?

[Caller]

Not out of that money.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. So that amount of money, you can do anything. Does that include food and water bills and stuff like that?

[Caller]

What is it included at the time? Groceries and everything for our children, which are highly achieved. So I budgeted a small amount of money uncollege. Educated with a master's.

[Dr. Laura]

You're college educated with a master's in what?

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[Caller]

Counseling.

[Dr. Laura]

Counseling. And have you had a practice?

[Caller]

No, I'm. I was a full time housewife.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, but when you got your degree, did you do counseling before you married and made kids?

[Caller]

Oh, three years. I was married at 25. By the time I got out of college. No.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Did you get a license?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Have you kept it active?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller]

I also have a degree in teaching and I didn't keep that active and I have an insurance license. I know.

[Dr. Laura]

Why did you do all those things if you weren't going to do anything with them?

[Caller]

Generationally, I was raised by immigrant parents who said I had to be a teacher. I was the first to attend college and I accepted it.

[Dr. Laura]

What about the insurance and the counseling?

[Caller]

Oh, well, I went on for an MBA just because that was part of. I like to learn and I got an interview.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you know, does he have life insurance with you as the recipient?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. So sending his brother $2,500 out of a million, well, comes down to half A million by the time the government scoops it up nonetheless, is not a big thing. And he knew you would say no. The reason he yelled, I can do what I want, like a pouty teenager. Which is what his response is. A pouty teenager, because he knew that if he asked you, you'd say no. And he wanted to help his brother. So the reason he said what he said that you take as a betrayal was because he's scared of you.

[Caller]

Well, how much is too much helping? Like, we support the mother, the brother? I mean, at what point does one say no?

[Dr. Laura]

That's the honey. That's who he is.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

That's what he does. He takes care of the extended family. I suggest you stop being pissy about it and accept it as the not. The not your favorite part of being married.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay. I'm glad to hear that because I was really pissed.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, but he's scared of you. I think you ignored that part, so make yourself less scary. Okay. How about you hug him and say, you know, I know it means something to you because you're always taking care of your family. And I know that you were worried that I was going to be negative all over the place. So make it better. That's what I'm recommending. Make it better. My number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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