I Feel Responsible for My Daughter's Abuse

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day Episode: I Feel Responsible for My Daughter's Abuse
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: July 25, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heart-wrenching call from a long-term listener, Nick, who grapples with profound feelings of responsibility and anger following the abuse of his daughter by a neighbor’s son. This episode delves deep into themes of parental responsibility, guilt, and the path to emotional healing.

Caller’s Background and Story

Nick, a devoted father and long-term listener since 1993, reaches out seeking guidance about lingering anger and guilt he feels over an incident that occurred three decades ago.

[00:56] Caller Nick: "I have long-term anger towards a neighbor and kind of like anger at myself because 30 years ago... our kids all played in the neighborhood together and mostly at our house."

Nick recounts how his daughter, then four years old, and her five-and-a-half-year-old brother frequently played at their neighbor's house with little supervision from him, although his wife was often present. He admits to permitting their play on rare occasions, unaware of the sinister events unfolding.

[01:56] Dr. Laura Schlessinger: "Where was your wife?"

Discovery of Abuse and Emotional Impact

Nick reveals that the abuse came to light much later, stemming from his daughter's struggles with alcoholism as a teenager. Intensive psychotherapy led to her confession and her brother corroborated the abuse, though he had kept it secret for years.

[02:49] Caller Nick: "I really feel raped. You know, sometimes with children we say they're molested. No, I feel like, you know, the..."

Nick expresses profound remorse and anger not only towards the neighbor but also towards himself for not recognizing the signs earlier.

Family Dynamics and Aftermath

The revelation of the abuse has had lasting effects on Nick's family. His daughter, now 34, leads a stable life as a resident teacher for autistic adults and is a devoted mother herself. However, the trauma has also impacted his marital relationship, leading to a divorce in 1993. Despite the separation, Nick and his ex-wife remain friends, prioritizing their children's well-being over their personal relationship.

[07:17] Caller Nick: "Good, Good. She's... We're divorced, which is actually... I had to embrace that and. But we stayed friends, which is really odd."

Nick emphasizes his commitment to focusing on his children until they become independent adults, reflecting his dedication despite personal upheavals.

Dr. Laura’s Analysis and Advice

Dr. Laura responds with empathy and a firm understanding of Nick’s emotions. She validates his anger and guilt as natural responses to such a traumatic event, differentiating between normal emotional reactions and disorders that require professional intervention.

[08:17] Dr. Laura Schlessinger: "Sir, I expect you to be able to admit that you're disappointed in yourself that you did that. Even though you could not have guessed in advance. I don't think it was a wise thing to do."

She reassures Nick that his feelings are justified and normal, especially given his role as a father who feels responsible for protecting his children.

[09:06] Dr. Laura Schlessinger: "I don't understand what you think the problem is."

Dr. Laura emphasizes that enduring anger towards the abuser is not only acceptable but expected. She delineates the boundary between normal emotional distress and behaviors indicative of a deeper psychological issue, such as self-harm or substance abuse, which would necessitate further therapy.

[08:03] Dr. Laura Schlessinger: "If you do self-harming things, then that requires psychotherapy."

She encourages Nick to acknowledge his emotions without deeming them unhealthy, fostering a space for healing and self-forgiveness.

Conclusion

The episode concludes with Dr. Laura reinforcing the importance of processing emotions healthily and acknowledging the complexities of familial relationships post-trauma. She underscores the significance of acceptance and the ongoing journey toward emotional well-being.

[09:10] Caller Nick: "Well, that's why I was calling, just to confirm that I'll probably die always being angry."

[09:17] Dr. Laura Schlessinger: "I do not call this a disorder. This is a disorder... but those are normal reactions."

This poignant exchange serves as a testament to the enduring struggle many parents face when confronting unforeseen tragedies, highlighting the balance between self-blame and justified anger. Dr. Laura's compassionate guidance offers listeners reassurance that their emotions, no matter how intense, are valid and manageable.

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Notable Quotes:

• Nick: "I really feel raped."
  [02:49]

• Dr. Laura: "Everybody who is listening to your call is angry that that man did that to your kids."
  [09:06]

• Dr. Laura: "If you do self-harming things, then that requires psychotherapy."
  [08:03]

• Nick: "Well, that's why I was calling, just to confirm that I'll probably die always being angry."
  [09:10]

• Dr. Laura: "Those are normal reactions."
  [09:17]

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For more insights and episodes, visit DrLaura.com and follow Dr. Laura on Facebook and Instagram.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Nick, welcome to the program.

[Caller Nick]

Thank you Dr. Laura. Really appreciate you taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you.

[Caller Nick]

Long term caller since 1993 and I do appreciate all the information and wisdom that you do share on a daily basis.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you. What's up?

[Caller Nick]

Well, I was hoping you might be able to give me some direction towards some experiences that I'm feeling. Just to put it in context, I have long term anger towards a neighbor and kind of like anger at myself because 30 years ago, which is a long time, I know our kids all played in the neighborhood together and mostly at our house, but at one point in time his son asked if they could go over to their house to play. And I thought since we're all neighbors and they've been playing so much, I said sure, go ahead, just watch out. Because she's only four years old and her brother, who was five and a half, all toddled off to the neighbor's house and didn't think too much of it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Where was your wife?

[Caller Nick]

She would either. She was often there and I did not do as much permission as my wife did. She said, yeah, when we look back and we counted the experiences, I said yes once. And she said I think I did it two or three times because we had to regroup and find out how often this occurred. Now probably a hundred times. They were always in our backyard. The neighbor boy.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so what happened?

[Caller Nick]

Well, apparently unbeknownst of course, the father was molesting my daughter, I came to really feel like the word molestation is too weak. I really feel raped. You know, sometimes with children we say they're molested. No, I feel like, you know, the.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Magnitude of the actual, the actions.

[Caller Nick]

Oral sex, perhaps some rubbing of genitalia.

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[Caller Nick]

Well, I didn't know. We neither one of us knew.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How did you find out? Don't go backwards. How did you find out?

[Caller Nick]

Alcoholism. And she got into as a teenager and then we got her into heavy duty psychotherapy and the psychotherapist said, I really think something has occurred. Something's coming out. I saw in the notes that she finally confessed to what the neighbor did.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Confessed. Usually confessed when we've done something wrong.

[Caller Nick]

Yeah, 14. And her older brother confirmed because he was at now the age where he could finally get the words out. He said, as a kid I just didn't know how to explain what was happening and so I'm just going holy.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But he kept it a secret, which means he knew it was wrong and he didn't protect his sister.

[Caller Nick]

Well, to some extent it was also happening to him.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so how did her therapy go? And what is she doing now that she's.

[Caller Nick]

Oh, she's 34. Yeah. A. A resident teacher for very autistic adults who have to be dropped off for adult daycare. She's doing great when it comes to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Is she married? Does she have kids?

[Caller Nick]

No, she has. She does have a son and doing great with him. I love that little tiger.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What happened to the husband?

[Caller Nick]

She made the mistake of having premarital sex. Of course, with their background, that was always an issue. And I said, okay, well, if he's not going to be part of my grandson's life, her son's life, then I'll step in, you know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How's your wife doing?

[Caller Nick]

Good, Good. She's. We're divorced, which is actually.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why are you divorced?

[Caller Nick]

Back in 1993. It was back during. I couldn't reconcile due to her. With her. Due to some of her trauma from her childhood. She had anger towards me. 1993 told me that, yeah, my marriage is probably over. And so I had to embrace that and. But we stayed friends, which is really odd.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Did you get married again?

[Caller Nick]

No, neither one of us got married. Because I really believed in the concentrating on your children until they're 18. Around.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

They're 34 and 40 at this point.

[Caller Nick]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I think they're out of the house.

[Caller Nick]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So basically, when you say you're angry, what does that mean you do, during the day, express anger? What is it you do with.

[Caller Nick]

Yeah, and I don't really express it. I'm angry at myself or.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, Nick, before you go on. Before you go on. Especially fathers who are supposed to protect their kids even more than mothers, in a father's mind. I get all that, but my question to you is, you're never going to stop being angry at a person who molested kids. Your kids, anybody's kids. I'm angry at the thought of your kids being molested. I'm angry. I don't see why that's supposed to go out of your head. You have the notion that somehow you're not supposed to register that as anger. Seems reasonable to me. To be able to sit here and talk as calmly as you are and say, I'm still angry that he did that. Well, of course you are.

[Caller Nick]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So I don't understand what you think the problem is.

[Caller Nick]

Well, that's why I was calling, just to confirm that I'll probably die always being angry.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Everybody who is listening to your call is angry that that man did that to your kids. And we all get on well, fine. I still can't believe you sent 4 year old over to somebody's house. I can't believe you did that. That's why I immediately asked about mother. His moms are usually crazier about that than guys are. But sir. Sir, I expect you to be able to admit that you're disappointed in yourself that you did that. Even though you could not have guessed in advance. I don't think it was a wise thing to do. Nonetheless, you're always going to be disappointed in yourself and you're always going to be angry with him. I do not call this a disorder. This is a disorder. Let me explain. Let me explain because you've been playing this game and I'm sure you've talked to a therapist before. This ain't your first rodeo. Okay? So what I'm trying to tell you is that those are normal reactions. The only thing which would make it a problem is if you're cutting yourself. You commit suicide four times a month. You're on drugs and alcohol. You're. You drive too fast in traffic. If you do self harming things, then that requires psychotherapy. That you will admit you're disappointed in yourself and you're furious at him is normal. So that's the difference between an actual problem and a normal reaction. Because we have a feeling that's ugly, it doesn't mean it's inappropriate or unhealthy. We're wrong. It's what you do with it. And I figure if you and your ex wife can be friends, you know, I'm sad you had to blow up their marriage. My number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLauraprograms.

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[Caller Nick]

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