I Have a Fear of Commitment

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: I Have a Fear of Commitment
Date: September 22, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Steve

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a caller named Steve, who reaches out expressing a "fear of commitment." The conversation explores the nature of commitment, the true source of Steve’s anxieties, and Dr. Laura’s signature, direct approach to accountability and self-awareness. Throughout, Dr. Laura challenges Steve's assumptions and language, urging him to reconsider his avoidance of relationships and long-term commitments, framing the issue as one of agency and effort rather than genuine fear.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

---

1. Defining "Fear of Commitment"

• Steve’s Introduction (01:19): Steve calls in claiming he has a fear of commitment and wonders if that accurately describes his feelings.
• Dr. Laura Demands Clarity (01:30 – 02:21): Dr. Laura prompts Steve to define "fear of commitment," pressing him to move beyond vague explanations like “fear of foreverness.”
  • Quote: “What exactly is a fear of commitment? Tell me what that is.” — Dr. Laura (01:30)
• Steve Attempts to Explain: He describes it as feeling trapped in something "forever," whether a relationship or a job.
• Dr. Laura Challenges the Term ‘Fear’ (02:40 – 03:51): She argues that most people view long-term commitments as security, not as something to fear, and suggests that fear usually comes from anticipated harm.

---

2. Real Source of Anxiety

• Steve’s Worries (03:51): He expresses apprehension about things going wrong, such as job loss, failed relationships, or being stuck in a bad situation.
• Dr. Laura Empowers Choice (04:11 – 05:13): Dr. Laura refutes the fatalistic view, emphasizing personal power in relationship outcomes.
  • Quote: “You have power in your choice. If you choose well, if you treat the woman right…the statistical probability that it’s going to go south is quite diminished.” — Dr. Laura (04:11)
• Losses from Avoidance: Dr. Laura points out that by not committing, Steve has already experienced many losses due to transience and indecision.

---

3. Personal Responsibility in Relationships

• Dr. Laura’s Central Point (05:06 – 05:13): She reiterates that Steve has control over his choices and outcomes, challenging any sense of helplessness.
• Steve’s Past Relationship (07:57 – 08:15): Steve claims he attempted a committed relationship, but his partner had borderline personality disorder.
• Dr. Laura’s Doctrine of Accountability (08:19 – 09:31): She bluntly tells Steve he failed to “choose wisely,” arguing that even if the label wasn’t known, the woman’s instability was likely apparent.
  • Quote: “If you choose somebody with some profound psychiatric problems, yeah, it’s probably not going to go well. That gets a big duh.” — Dr. Laura (08:37)
  • Quote: “If somebody’s behaving in a difficult way, you don’t marry them.” — Dr. Laura (09:16)

---

4. Root Cause: Laziness, Not Fear

• Dr. Laura’s Confrontation (09:35 – 10:13): She suggests the real issue is laziness—a reluctance to do the hard work necessary for successful relationships, rather than genuine fear.
  • Quote: “You’re lazy. You don’t want to work hard for something.” — Dr. Laura (09:35)
  • Steve defends himself, claiming he works hard in his job.
  • Dr. Laura doubles down: “I think you’re lazy about relationships.” (10:04)

---

5. Lessons & Final Thoughts

• Steve Reflects (10:35 – 10:45): He says he’s learned not to engage in unhealthy relationships.
• Dr. Laura Calls This ‘Lazy’ Too (10:49 – 11:59): She pushes back, arguing that simply avoiding relationships after hurt isn’t growth—it’s avoidance and self-pity.
  • Quote: “That’s you being lazy. ‘Oh, poor me. I made a bad choice...so I’m not going to make a good choice and have a better life, I’m just going to feel bad for myself.’” — Dr. Laura (10:49)
  • She warns Steve that such a path leads to dying “with nobody caring.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (Directness):
  • “I don’t tolerate the word fear. Somehow you got past your fear at work—90 hours. I don’t even think you should be doing that.” (11:33)
• Dr. Laura (Summing Up):
  • “What I’ve learned about life is that life will hurt me. So I don’t do life—craziness. Don’t do that.” (11:57)

---

Key Timestamps

• 01:11: Steve introduces his “fear of commitment”
• 01:30 – 03:51: Dr. Laura rigorously pushes Steve to define the true nature of his ‘fear’
• 04:11 – 05:13: Dr. Laura explains personal power in relationships and consequences of poor choices
• 07:57 – 09:31: Discussion about Steve’s experience with a partner with borderline personality disorder
• 09:35 – 11:59: Dr. Laura pins the issue on laziness and avoidance, not fear

---

Final Tone & Advice

Dr. Laura maintains her classic, no-excuses tone, blending tough love with a fundamental belief in personal responsibility. She refuses to let Steve use "fear" to mask what she sees as laziness or emotional avoidance, emphasizing that meaningful relationships require discernment and work—not withdrawal after one bad experience.

For listeners: The takeaway is to self-reflect honestly about what holds you back from commitment. Is it truly fear, or a reluctance to do the hard—and rewarding—work that long-term relationships require? Dr. Laura’s advice: Take charge, choose wisely, and don’t let past pain justify a future of isolation.

---

End of Content Section

Transcript

[ExxonMobil Announcer]

What if we could reduce carbon emissions and strengthen the economy? At ExxonMobil, we believe both are possible. As a global leader in carbon capture and storage, we're empowering industries to reduce their emissions all through technologies that are creating job opportunities in America. How's that for a win win? ExxonMobil. Let's deliver.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Save up to 30% on fall meal essentials during the Spice Up Fall event now at Whole Foods Market with sales on organic honeycrisp apples and winter squash. Grab fresh and mild swordfish steaks for a cozy pan seared mane. Or make a hearty stew starring no antibiotics ever. Short ribs for something sweet. Indulge in limited time pumpkin spice treats from the bakery and find even more in the aisles. Spice Up Fall and Save at Whole Foods Market in store and online.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

Steve, welcome to the program.

[Caller Steve]

Hey, thanks, Dr. Laura. Thanks for having me on. I love your show.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you. What's happening?

[Caller Steve]

The reason for my call. Yeah, the reason for my call is because I think I have, over the years developed a fear of commitment. And I'm wondering if that's really what it is.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What exactly is a fear of commitment? Tell me what that is.

[Caller Steve]

Well, I've never been married. I have no kid.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no, no. Tell me the definition. What is a fear of commitment? Don't tell me about your life. Just tell me what that means.

[Caller Steve]

To me. A fear of foreverness. And that's it? Nothing else?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, there is no forever because you're going to die one day. So I don't understand fear of. Yeah, what does that mean? Fear of forever. What does that mean? I understand the word fear and I understand the word forever. I just don't understand when they're put together. So keep working on me till I get it.

[Caller Steve]

Okay. Commitment and having a life, well, that's going to be her for the rest of my life and nothing else. Fear of committing to a job that I'm going to do for day in and day out for the rest of my life is scary to me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What makes it scary? See, I don't understand the word fear. I can understand. I don't like the idea of having to deal with the same woman till I'm dead. I don't like having to get bored in the same job. I can understand those words. I don't understand fear. So you're going to have to help me why do you keep using the word fear?

[Caller Steve]

Because I haven't committed to doing any of those things.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That doesn't mean it's fear. I don't. I think I'm not getting across to you. You keep using the word fear. Would you be so kind as to use some other word? Because I'm not understanding what fear of commitment means. I don't understand fearing something, being long term. A lot of people look at that as security. So I don't understand fear word. What is it exactly that you fear? What's going to hurt you? Usually we use fear because something's going to hurt us. So at your job and with some woman, why would you. How could you be hurt? What does that mean?

[Caller Steve]

If things could go wrong, if I could lose my job, if I could lose my house, if we grow old and separate and don't love each other anymore and stuck in, I guess stuck in the situation that I would be.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But you act like you have no power. You act like you have no power. People have power in their relationships. So then we're old. They're still happy. They have power. You're acting like you don't have any, that you're sort of bopping around like a cork on the ocean. If you pick a good woman and you treat her well, the statistical probability that it's going to go south is quite diminished. If you pick some bimbo and act like a jerk, yeah, it's not going to last. But you have power in your choice. If you choose well, if you treat the woman right, I mean, bad things could happen. People get hit by buses and die. That's life, though. We can't avoid that. You've already had a lot of losses. If you haven't committed to anything, then you've been jumping around. If you've been jumping around, that's a lot of losses.

[Caller Steve]

I did again.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But again, you have control over all those losses. Did you understand what I said about a relationship?

[Caller Steve]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Did you know that skin care can start in the laundry room? The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor All Free Clear laundry detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All Free Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists and allergists. For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear.

[Chase Sapphire Reserve Announcer]

This is a vacation with Chase Sapphire Reserve. The butler, the spa. This is the edit a collection of handpicked luxury hotels and a $500 edit credit chase Sapphire Reserve the most rewarding card.

[Only Murders in the Building Podcast Announcer]

Learn [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase bank and a member FDIC subject to credit approval when work.

[Caller Steve]

Gets crazy, I like to stop by.

[ExxonMobil Announcer]

The bar after have a few cold ones.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't drink at all until 4 o'. Clock.

[Caller Steve]

We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night.

[Rethink the Drink Announcer]

Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks, a few nights a week, it can add up and suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the Drink [e-mail].

[Pact Clothing Announcer]

NoHE initiative your skin should never come second. That's why Pact makes Everyday Essentials from the purest organic cotton. No toxins, no harsh chemicals, just softness you can feel good in because wellness isn't just what you put in your body, it's what you put on it too. From the first layer to the last, getting dressed should feel like self care. Visit wearpacked.com and use code dresswell for 15% off your first order packed. Dress yourself well.

[Caller Steve]

Welcome to Phony Murders in the Building the Official Podcast.

[Only Murders in the Building Podcast Announcer]

Join me, Michael Cyril Creighton as we go behind the scenes with some of the amazing actors, writers and crew from season. The audience should never stop suspecting anything.

[Caller Steve]

How can you not be funny crawling.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Around on a coffin?

[Caller Steve]

Yeah, that's true.

[Only Murders in the Building Podcast Announcer]

Catch Only Murders in the Building Official Podcast now streaming wherever you get your podcasts and watch Only Murders in the Building streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's more in control than you're active. What if this could happen? What if that could happen? That has nothing to do with a relationship. With a relationship. If you choose wisely and treat kindly, that's not going to be a big issue.

[Caller Steve]

I did do that and I was ready to settle down and to be that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, I didn't talk about settle down. I talked about choosing wisely, treating kindly. That's what I want you to think about. Not settling down.

[Caller Steve]

I did do that. And she had borderline personality disorder.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But then you didn't choose wisely. Then you didn't choose wisely. You're making my point. If you choose somebody with some profound psychiatric problems, yeah, it's probably not going to go well.

That gets a big duh.

But that was your fault. You made an inappropriate choice. If you wanted stability.

[Caller Steve]

I. I didn't know at the time. And when it finally came out. I was too involved.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, you know, I'm gonna. I'm gonna challenge you on that because I'm bored with people telling me, but I didn't know till. Till it had a name. Look, somebody with borderline personality disorder tends not to be stable. You don't have to know that it has a name in order to not like the emotional instability. So I don't care that you finally had a name to it. If somebody is behaving in a difficult way, you don't marry them.

[Caller Steve]

I. I didn't. I took my punishment, and then eventually.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. All right. Okay. Any other questions? No. You don't have a fear. You're lazy. You don't want to work hard for something. You're lazy. You don't want to work hard for something. I think it's true. And you called me.

[Caller Steve]

Okay, I work.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I do.

[Caller Steve]

When I do work, I work my tail off.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I think you're lazy about relationships. You're lazy about relationships. Lazy. You don't want to do the hard work.

[Caller Steve]

I'm picky.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, you're not. If you had been picky, you wouldn't have had that sad story to tell me.

[Caller Steve]

Well, it's been a learning, learning lesson, so I appreciate your help.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry. What's been the learning lesson?

[Caller Steve]

To not put myself in relationships that aren't good for me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's the lazy part. That's you being lazy. Oh, poor me. I made a bad choice in a woman, and it hurt me. So I'm not going to make a good choice and have a better life. I'm just going to feel bad for myself. You're going to die with nobody caring. If no other reason, you should listen to me so you won't die with nobody caring. Poor me. Lazy. I don't tolerate the word fear. Somehow you got past your fear at work. 90 hours. I don't even think you should be doing that. Okay. I hope I rattled your chain enough for you to think. What I've learned about life is that life will hurt me. So I don't do life craziness. Don't do that. My number. 1-800-375-2872.

Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

[Pact Clothing Announcer]

Your skin should never come second. That's why Pact makes everyday essentials from the purest organic cotton. No toxins, no harsh chemicals, just softness you can feel good in. Because wellness isn't just what you put in your body, it's what you put on it too. From the first layer to the last, getting dressed should feel like self care. Visit wearpacked.com and use code dresswell for 15% off your first order packed. Dress yourself well.