Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:30)

Any of any of you married with kids?

Caller Brianna (2:35)

My middle brother is married with children. I live alone. I'm dating someone but not, not married, no children.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:45)

Okay, not serious yet. All right, tell me the family. Well, you're all adults now, so tell me the family. Any of you living in your parents home?

Caller Brianna (2:57)

Yes, so that is part of it. My youngest brother, Ryan lives at home. He's 30. Like 30.

Venmo Advertiser (3:07)

Why.

Caller Brianna (3:09)

He. I'm gonna think before I answer this. My parents have allowed it for many years now.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:23)

And why do you think they allow it? What does this tell us about your parents?

Caller Brianna (3:33)

What it tells me about my parents is they're willing to look past certain problems, larger problems, and not face them and confront them because they're more comfortable allowing him to still be there.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:49)

Got it. And tell me now about him. Most young men want to be out there, independent, on their own, doing their own thing. Why is that? Not him.

Caller Brianna (4:00)

Not him. You know, he kind of came out of the womb, like, angry and was always a bit of a problem child, but really was a very capable, intelligent person. And I don't think my parents certainly have praised him a lot for that in his life. When he went away to college, he went to University of Maryland. And in his first semester, I appeared to have a breakdown of sorts. I went with my mom to visit him, and he had completely shut down and wasn't talking to anyone, was very soft spoken, like his voice had changed. He became a very soft spoken person, and he eventually found out.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:46)

Was he on drugs?

Caller Brianna (4:49)

Not. Not to any of our knowledge. I don't. We don't even think he drinks now, or he's never touched alcohol, so.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:58)

Did he get psychiatric help?

Caller Brianna (5:02)

Well, my parents brought him back home and he was staying home, and they said, you may stay here, but the deal is you need to see a doctor, you need to get help. And he refused. And they allowed it, not without lack of trying. There was one time where there was a. This is quite a few years ago now, but there was a physical altercation between my brother and my dad. And it was just, you know, they just went at it because they saw things completely differently. And the way my parents always said it to me was, well, you can't make someone go seek help. And they see him as someone who's very isolated and mentally ill. And he's very kind to them, but they're also his bread and butter. And he lives with them, not paying rent and not speaking to my brother or myself.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (6:08)

And who do you think is more comfortable with this, your mom or your dad?

Caller Brianna (6:14)

So interesting you asked that, because I was at their home the other night and I wanted to talk to them about this. So I brought it up, and my mom surprised me. She said, because I've been listening to you, so I've been kind of, you know, Dr. Laura would say, and. Or I would, you know, try and guess. And I really see the benefit of, like, taking a tough love approach. My mom is definitely in that camp. She thinks, February, give him a date. February 1st, you need to be out. He has a job, he has savings. She's approached the way she described it to me is I want to have a conversation with him where I let him know, I'm happy to help you look. I'm happy to help you look at apartments. You can look in the same neighborhood, you can see us as much as you want, but you can't live here anymore. This is inappropriate. And my dad, who I thought was the one who would have the strong hand, is she wants him to have the conversation with him. She thinks it's more appropriate. And my dad, I learned from that conversation. Just seeing the way he shut down. He can't have that conversation with him. It's almost like he doesn't know how. All he knows how to do is attack my brother and say, you need to get out. Or like, I'll give you an example. I texted my brother last week just to say, hey, I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to. Would love to just catch up about nothing. And he ignored it. And when my dad found out, my dad was livid at Ryan. So it's these little how did your.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (7:58)

How did dad find out? You reached out? How did that happen?

Caller Brianna (8:04)

I let him know.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (8:07)

Okay.

Caller Brianna (8:10)

Probably immature of me.

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Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:12)

All right, so now what? How can I help?

Caller Brianna (10:17)

Yeah, I think Dr. Laura, this is taking up so much of. Sorry. Of my mental space because I feel like I need to be the one.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:30)

And I'm sorry, you said you feel the need that you need to be the one. What?

Caller Brianna (10:39)

To somehow fix this dynamic.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:43)

As the oldest sibling, what's the dynamic that you want to fix? What exactly is it you want to fix? That you're spending too much time being invested. That's family dynamic. You could fix that. Your brother somehow is going to leave the comfort of his mommy and daddy and they're beating on him but embracing him. Talk about crazy making. Is that the dynamic? Because you can't fix that. The dynamic of their marriage, which I can tell you is troubled but buffered by the son being there. I think his being there helps their marriage stay together, believe it or not. So you can't fix that dynamic. So going back from the beginning, the only dynamic you can fix is to stop being involved, stop having the conversation, stop reaching out. Stop. Stop trying to fix this. Stop trying to figure it out. Stop trying to get attention when it mostly goes to him. Stop it.

Caller Brianna (11:48)

Yeah.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:48)

You have to stop what you're doing. They are none of them, not one of the three of them is going to stop what they're doing. Because you're investing.

Caller Brianna (11:58)

Right? Right. That's so true. There's nothing I can do. I think when you asked me which dynamic do you want to stop, what immediately popped into my mind was this is broken my parents heart because it's a broken family now.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:21)

Yeah. Brianna, I think I hinted at something that you may have missed. So let me squarely hit you between the eyes with it.

Caller Brianna (12:30)

Yeah.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:31)

If they didn't want this happening in their house, it wouldn't be happening in their house. This drama you're watching, they need it. They're holding onto it. They're afraid to see it be any different. Which means everything from their marriage to their relationship with that kid who is the living proof that they have somehow failed as parents.

Caller Brianna (13:01)

Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:01)

So when parents get the notion that they have somehow failed as parents, they don't give up. And that's what you're watching. But you have no idea. Except I'm hinting at you. Other than my hints, you have no idea how their marriage is so enmeshed with this.

Caller Brianna (13:29)

Wow.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:30)

So, honey, leave it alone. Call home once a month. Once a month? Month. That's 30 days. That's it. You and I are done. You and I are done. You explain nothing. You call and just, hey, I bought a cat. This is what I'm doing. In other words, when you call once a month, it is not to inquire about them.

Caller Brianna (14:04)

Yes. All right.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:07)

Till I give an update of the silly, fun things or the profound things that you've done, my advice is aimed at helping you with the quality of the rest of your life. My advice to you can never be directed at fixing your family dynamic.

Caller Brianna (14:27)

Right. I see that. Thank you so much.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:32)

All right, sweetheart. I appreciate that you called my number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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