Dr. Laura Schlesinger (1:52)

Okay, go ahead.

Caller Diana (1:54)

Okay, so I guess it's a two part problem. My part is my response to a behavior from my boyfriend and it's I'm driving myself nuts. I keep ruminating.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (2:07)

How old are you? How old is he?

Caller Diana (2:10)

We're both 48. We're not shacking up. We've only been dating for 18 months and I can say that I am falling in love with this guy. I. You know, I know he's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But we're pretty good. Except for this one thing.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (2:27)

Really? Except for this. Really.

Caller Diana (2:29)

Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (2:30)

One thing would go away. It would be perfect.

Caller Diana (2:34)

No, there's a few. Yeah, but.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (2:38)

Ma', am. Ma', am, Ma', am, Ma', am, Ma', am, Ma'. Am. Pretty good is somebody you can date. Pretty good is not somebody you should marry.

Caller Diana (2:48)

Okay, this is a thought. Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (2:51)

Now.

Caller Diana (2:52)

Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (2:52)

Tell me the things that are not the one you were calling about. You said there are other things. Tell me those first. Just give me a list. Short list. Hopefully short.

Caller Diana (3:03)

Oh, okay. Oh, I wasn't prepared for that. His indecisiveness sometimes is kind of annoying, but I feel like I'm indecisive too.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (3:18)

He. You know something? If you're. If he's a sociopath, but that's okay because you're a sociopath also. Does that make you want to be with a sociopath? What a silly thing to say.

Caller Diana (3:28)

Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (3:29)

Oh, come on. So he's indecisive, which in a man is extremely unsexy.

Caller Diana (3:37)

Yes, yes, yes.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (3:41)

Next in list.

Caller Diana (3:44)

Okay, the next is he is. Oh, gosh, I'm really caught off guard right now.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (3:51)

Take your time. Just take your time. Breathe and think.

Caller Diana (3:58)

Oh, he wants. He's kind of materialistic and I'm more down to earth, I would say. Like, he's always wanting, like, you know, expensive name brand cars. And, you know, he thinks I'm into name brands. And I had to tell him no, I'm not impressed with that name brand of a purse. Like, I like low key, understated. I don't name brand.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (4:20)

So does he spend excessive amounts of money on, quote, name brands?

Caller Diana (4:27)

I think he used to, but I think since dating me, I've maybe opened his eyes to a different way of.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (4:33)

I think and maybe. I think and maybe. Do you hear yourself say that I think he's changed? Maybe he has?

Caller Diana (4:46)

Well, I say that because the purchases haven't happened. But he mentions them, but he hasn't purchased them, if that makes sense.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (4:53)

That doesn't mean it won't happen in the future. And when you think about marrying somebody, you have to really be on the same page with respect to what do we waste money on? So give me one more that isn't the one you called about.

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Caller Diana (8:00)

Oh, that isn't the one I called about. Well, we were both 48 like I said and he just missed the butt on having kids and so did I. And he's mentioned, oh, I want to adopt a kid. And, And I said, I'm sorry, but we're, you know, we're too old. I'm. I'm, you know, because I'm dealing with taking care of my elderly mother. I'm like, I feel like I'm done caregiving. And the idea of bringing a child into a relationship when we, you know, if we were to get married is just exhausting to me. And I, you know, I want to. I tried to explain that, and he accepted it, but I think in the back of his mind, he would still like a kid, a child to adopt, and we're not.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (8:44)

Do realize that these three things you mentioned are real important?

Caller Diana (8:51)

Yes. Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (8:55)

They're not minor.

Caller Diana (8:56)

Even though I don't know what his true thoughts are, I just. I have a little feeling he might have some resentment later if we, you know, we're not to adopt.

Narrator/Ad Voice (9:04)

Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (9:05)

But I don't know that you call now. Tell me you won't. What. What you called about.

Caller Diana (9:12)

Okay. So I would say that I have a low self.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (9:19)

I don't want to hear about you. Oh, my God. I don't want to hear psychobabble, body image. I don't know a woman on the face of the earth who has a splendid one.

Caller Diana (9:30)

Really. Okay. Because I sometimes.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (9:32)

So I really don't want to hear that. And it doesn't matter if you're an ugly dog, okay. If your body is shit, I don't care. That's not what makes you a splendid person. So are a good wife or a dear friend. So let's just jump to what is he doing? Because you got the answer to protect him. Now describe to me the wandering eye. Describe what happens.

Caller Diana (9:56)

Yes. I have three instances. Can I go over three of them real quickly?

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (10:00)

You can go over five of them. It's okay. Go ahead.

Caller Diana (10:03)

Okay. So we were in his pickup truck one day going through a residential neighborhood, and, you know, Sunday afternoon, what have you. And a woman is out on the driveway, short shorts, with her husband, whatever, dealing with trash cans for all I know. So we're just driving by and she's noticeable because she's curvy and thick and showing, you know, skin short. Short. So we drive by and he, you know, he turns and I. I try and notice her too, whatever. Says, we're driving away. It's kind of funny, but he's looking in the. In the driver's mirror, and I'm thinking, oh, brother. Like he just had another glance.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (10:37)

Next, you know, in the Mirror. Next example.

Caller Diana (10:39)

Okay, go ahead.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (10:40)

Next.

Caller Diana (10:40)

Next example. We were at a restaurant, casual restaurant, that he kind of goes with his friend too, kind of often. I. So I go there, waitress was adorable, pretty, young 19 year old girl, flawless face, just adorable, you know, undeniably pretty. And she's not dressed in appropriate, completely covered. This is. Her face is real pretty and she's very young. So she takes her order and to our drink and she walks away. And he's like, oh, hey, I didn't give you my drink. She was, oh my God. You know, she got kind of flustered so she took his drink order and she walked away. And he said, what did you do to her? You got her all. You scared her. And I was, I go, what? I didn't do anything. That was probably freaked out by you. And then sure enough, later she comes and she's tending to a table that's behind me. And so I don't see her, but he's facing behind me. So he sees her and he's trying to tell me a story about his day, about work. And his eyes are like stuttering. Like he really wanted to look over there, but he knew it would be wrong. And it was like, like his eyes were like fluttering and it was kind of funny. I'm like, wow, this guy, you know, couldn't focus. And then the third one, we had gone to this fancy restaurant, it's more like a place to be seen and people, you know, just go there, dressed up to be seen. So we had to wait. So we were seated at the bar and we were, you know, talking as we're waiting for a table. And a few minutes later he asked me to switch seats with him and I said, okay, why? And I go, did an ex girlfriend come in or something like why? And he goes, well, there's just a bunch of women and they're like, I'm. I cannot focus on you and I want to be good and I want to focus on you. So those are my three.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (12:40)

Okay. Why are you in a restaurant? To be seen. I thought you weren't like that.

Caller Diana (12:46)

I'm not. And it was his idea and I didn't even want to go there.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (12:49)

And I thought you told me he had changed.

Caller Diana (12:51)

Okay, well, this was early on. That was like the first example.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (12:54)

Here's. I see, here's what I'm going to say. I think you'd be foolish to marry him, but if you'd like to continue dating him, go ahead.

Caller Diana (13:03)

Okay, thank you. Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (13:06)

You don't have enough to get married on here.

Caller Diana (13:09)

Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (13:12)

But if you enjoy his company, what the hell?

Caller Diana (13:18)

Okay, thank you. That makes me feel better because he is talking about marriage, and I feel like.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (13:25)

No, no, no, no.

Caller Diana (13:27)

Yeah, because. And I know you say there's. You have to do two years of dating, and we're at 18 months now. That's why I feel like. What. What do I do? How do I. What do I do?

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (13:36)

You tell them the truth. I think we're very good dating. I think we have too many differences that would cause problems in a marriage. Okay, the truth. Why is everybody so scared of the truth? We're good together. I like so many things about you, but I think we have enough differences that a marriage would not be comfortable.

Caller Diana (14:01)

Do I tell him about them? I mean, in discussion.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (14:07)

You mean to tell me you've never discussed the eyeball things to stop with. I don't want to come off. This is your life, woman. You're supposed to use your intelligence and make decisions so that the rest of your life is not screwed up.

Caller Diana (14:19)

Okay, thank you.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (14:21)

Doesn't matter how it looks to anybody.

Caller Diana (14:26)

Right?

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (14:26)

Do you realize if I worried about how it sounds to everybody, I couldn't open my mouth on this program?

Caller Diana (14:34)

This is true, okay?

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (14:36)

I do what I. What I feel is helpful and right and good. If it works. Hey, if it doesn't work. But I don't spend my time worrying about your reaction.

Caller Diana (14:48)

Right.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (14:49)

That just shows my insecurity.

Caller Diana (14:53)

Right? Yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (14:55)

This is your life, and you're the architect of it.

Caller Diana (15:01)

Okay. I like it. Thank you.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (15:04)

So tell them. I like many things about you. I really don't want to go over lists of problem areas, But we're not enough of a match for marriage. Okay, now, the reason he thinks you are is because you don't speak up.

Caller Diana (15:27)

Yeah, that.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (15:30)

Think about it. If you and I are in a relationship and you never tell me the limitations I'm causing to it, then I assume everything is great. So I assume we should get married.

Caller Diana (15:43)

No, I did mention the wandering eye, but that did nothing. I mean, obviously it did not.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger (15:48)

Paul did something. He changed chairs with you so he wouldn't spend his time staring. So that showed a little change. That wasn't bad. My number. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.