I've Been Beating Myself up for Years

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "I've Been Beating Myself up for Years"

Episode Overview

In the April 5, 2025 episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," Dr. Laura Schlessinger tackles the pervasive issue of longstanding self-shame and its impact on mental health. The episode features a heartfelt conversation with a 27-year-old listener who has struggled with shame over past decisions, leading to cycles of depression. Through no-nonsense advice rooted in ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility, Dr. Laura provides actionable strategies to overcome these feelings and embrace self-worth.

Caller’s Struggle with Shame

At [01:24], a caller reaches out to Dr. Laura, expressing deep-seated shame stemming from past behaviors and decisions. She shares, "I've been feeling shame for many years... it's shame about decisions I'd made in my past, behaviors that I engaged in. And I'm not really sure how to stop those thoughts and feelings." Her shame has contributed to cycles of depression, although she notes that she is currently in a good place and has developed an understanding of the habits that led to her depression.

Dr. Laura’s Initial Assessment

Dr. Laura responds assertively at [02:26], challenging the caller's self-perception: "Without telling me all the dumb things you did. Are you doing any of the dumb things anymore?" When the caller affirms that she has ceased those behaviors, Dr. Laura acknowledges her feelings of shame but emphasizes the importance of recognizing her courage in overcoming her past:

"I think you should feel shame because it's one of the things that propels us out of situations... But what I'm surprised at is that with equal adoration, you haven't embraced the guts you had to stop." [03:50]

She points out a common psychological oversight—focusing solely on one's mistakes without giving due credit for the strength it took to change.

Building Self-Esteem Through Courage

Dr. Laura delves deeper into the relationship between shame and self-esteem. She explains that while shame can be a catalyst for change, true self-esteem arises from acknowledging and celebrating the courage it took to halt destructive behaviors. She encourages the caller to shift her focus from negative self-judgment to recognizing her exceptional efforts:

"The reason you spent so many years doing dumbass things is you didn't exercise your courage to pull yourself out of it. And you finally did. So you don't get at least equal credit in your mind." [03:50]

This approach not only validates the caller's feelings but also empowers her to see herself as resilient and capable.

Introducing the "Eject Button" Technique

Addressing the caller's difficulty in managing negative thoughts at night, Dr. Laura introduces a practical technique she refers to as the "eject button." At [06:26], she instructs the caller to recognize when negative memories begin to surface and consciously replace them with a positive, anchoring memory:

"The eject button is a memory, your best memory of the moment you ejected from that life... So tell me the moment when you said, ah, shit, I can't do this anymore." [06:26]

The caller identifies the moment she met her fiancé as the pivotal point of her transformation. Dr. Laura reinforces this by guiding her to vividly visualize that positive memory whenever negative thoughts intrude:

"Hit the eject button and see him across the street. Boom. Oh, you giggled. See how it works?" [09:17]

This cognitive-behavioral strategy serves as a personal "time machine" to shift focus from past regrets to present strengths.

Caller’s Transformation and Realization

Throughout the conversation, the caller reflects on Dr. Laura's advice and begins to internalize the importance of self-compassion and recognition of her progress. At [05:14], she articulates her understanding:

"I need to give more credit to the person that I am now because I got to the point where I was sick of feeling the way that I did. And that takes a lot of like self-awareness, intelligence, and like self-love to stop those behaviors and understand what it takes to get to a happy place."

Dr. Laura commends her insight, reinforcing the validity of her realizations and the significance of her journey:

"You're exceptional." [04:40]

Dr. Laura’s Encouragement and Closing Advice

In the concluding segment of the call, Dr. Laura exhorts the caller—and listeners at large—to practice the techniques discussed:

"I want you to practice it. I want you sometimes to sit there and do what I just had you do... That's your time machine. You have your own personal time machine. And you can do this anytime." [10:07]

She emphasizes the importance of not delaying reaching out for help, urging listeners to seek support promptly rather than letting negative feelings fester:

"Don’t wait days, months, years. And just let it keep fermenting negatively. Don't do that. Give me a call." [11:11]

Key Takeaways

1. Acknowledgment of Past Mistakes: Recognizing and accepting past errors is crucial, but it should be coupled with celebrating the courage to change.

2. Balanced Self-Perception: It is essential to balance the acceptance of one's mistakes with appreciation for the strength it took to overcome them, fostering genuine self-esteem.

3. Cognitive Techniques for Managing Negative Thoughts: The "eject button" technique serves as a valuable tool for redirecting negative thought patterns towards positive memories, aiding in the reduction of shame and depressive cycles.

4. Immediate Action Against Negative Feelings: Addressing negative emotions promptly through supportive conversations or therapeutic techniques can prevent prolonged periods of self-loathing and depression.

5. Empowerment Through Self-Compassion: Embracing self-love and recognizing one's resilience are fundamental steps toward lasting mental well-being.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Laura: "I think you should feel shame because it's one of the things that propels us out of situations." [02:34]

• Dr. Laura: "You're exceptional." [04:40]

• Dr. Laura: "That's your time machine. You have your own personal time machine." [09:19]

• Caller: "I am sick of feeling shame, so I'm just sick of it. Getting ready to fix it." [10:18]

Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides a compassionate yet direct approach to overcoming long-term shame and its associated depressive cycles. By advocating for the recognition of personal courage and introducing practical cognitive techniques, she empowers listeners to reclaim their self-worth and break free from the shackles of past mistakes. The caller’s journey from self-criticism to self-appreciation serves as an inspiring testament to the transformative power of self-awareness and proactive mental health strategies.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Skechers has come up with something wonderful. Hands free Skechers Slip ins. They revolutionize how you put on and take off your shoes. Just step into the Skechers slip ins and they're on. No bending, no struggling. An invisible built in shoehorn helps your foot gently slide in and their exclusive heel pillow keeps your foot secure. They're comfy, great looking with athletic and and casual styles for men, women and kids. Slip ins even come in sandals perfect for the summer with features like Skechers air cooled memory foam and special fits including arch fit, relaxed fit, wide fit. Once your feet have experienced hands free Skechers slip ins they won't want to wear any other shoe. You can find [e-mail] DrLora or Skechers.com and and use the promo code DrLora. Valid for 20% off site wide standard exclusion supply. Valid 3-5-2025 through May 30, 2025. Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Allie welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura, how are you?

[Dr. Laura]

Good. How can I help?

[Caller]

I'm 27. I've been listening to you since I was in middle school and I was wondering if you could help me process or let go of some shame that I've been feeling for many years. I probably should have called you like six years ago, but it's sort of affected my life because I think it's the source of just some cycles of depression that I've had and I'm in a really good place in my life now. And I don't want to say that I'm afraid of that cycle happening again because I know that now I'm in a place where I understand the habits that sort of lead to the depression. But like shame just has kept me up at night and it's shame about like decisions I'd made in my past, behaviors that I engaged in. And I'm not really sure how to stop those thoughts and feelings.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Without telling me all the dumb things you did. Are you doing any of the dumb things anymore?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, let me explain something to you then and I need you to take a deep breath, exhale, relax and listen carefully. I'm all good with you feeling shame for being a smart girl making dumb decisions. I think you should feel shame because it's one of the things that propels us out of situations. That's part one that you're doing? Already feeling shame. Okay, part two. What increases, what makes a person have self esteem is when they have the courage to stop. So I'm okay with you spending time looking at the shame part. I don't care about that. But what I'm surprised at is that with equal adoration, you haven't embraced the guts you had to stop. That's two sides of the same thing. So why are you only paying attention to one side? Why? Don't answer that.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Just sit there and think about it. Just sit there and think about it. Yes, you did dumb things. Really stupid, really bad, messed up things. And then you stopped. Stopped doesn't take courage. The reason you spent so many years doing dumbass things is you didn't exercise your courage to pull yourself out of it. And you finally did. So you don't get at least equal credit in your mind. Holy cow. You're a hard woman to please.

[Caller]

Yeah, for myself, I am.

[Dr. Laura]

No reason for depression anymore. You pulled yourself out. You know what? A lot of people who call me never do.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So you're exceptional.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

But do you understand what I'm telling you? Do you?

[Caller]

I do. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, explain it back to me like you're explaining it to somebody else who's doing this to you, you know, to themselves. Explain it back. Come on.

[Caller]

I'll explain it. That I need to give more credit to the person that I am now because I got to the point where I was sick of feeling the way that I did. And that takes a lot of like self awareness, intelligence, and like self love to stop those behaviors and understand what it takes to get to a happy place. And that's stopping those habits, I guess. I don't know.

[Dr. Laura]

Perfect. Perfect. Thank you. Yeah, perfect. Perfecto. So makes sense though, doesn't it?

[Caller]

I'm laying in bed at night. When I'm laying in bed at night, I just tell myself that, like when. When, like the negative.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, tell me you're laying in bed at night and what comes to your mind? Describe it most.

[Caller]

Like, I will replay the various situations of like, decisions.

[Dr. Laura]

The mat. The second you do that, I want you to hit the eject button. And the eject button is a memory, your best memory of the moment you ejected from that life. I know it was a process, but the process always begins somewhere. So tell me the moment when you said, ah, shit, I can't do this anymore. Tell me. Describe that moment with the same visual that you were giving me.

[Caller]

I want to say it was maybe two years ago. I'm trying to think of the exact moment?

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, just relax and think. What would. What would represent the moment when you went, ah, no more.

[Caller]

It was probably around the time I met my fiance.

[Dr. Laura]

So you were in I hate myself place when you were thinking of getting married? That makes no sense.

[Caller]

Well, when I met him a few years ago. Two years ago.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. How did you first see him? Across a room at a dance. Oh, wait, that was a movie.

[Caller]

Yeah, it was outside. Well, we met on, like a dating app, so.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so tell me the first vision.

[Caller]

Yeah, I saw him from like, across the street, basically outside and.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Oh, that's pretty romantic sounding. I saw him across the street and I knew that was the one. I loved all that schmoozy stuff. Okay, then that's the eject button. When you start going through how you were such a shit, I want you to hit the button and. And picture him coming across the street. I'm serious.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you driving?

[Caller]

I'm parked. I'm in my car, though.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Close your eyes. Just want to make sure you didn't crash. Close your eyes and without talking out loud, don't describe anything out loud to me. I want you to make believe you're in bed. And an assortment of those wretched memories start coming. Let me know when you got them.

[Caller]

I thought them.

[Dr. Laura]

Hit the eject button, see him across the street. Boom. Oh, you giggled. See how it works? See how it works?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Got to use. Use your brain to help you, because the brain really. It's going to see an elephant or it's going to see a rose, but it's very hard up there. You have to turn your head left or right. Don't think of an elephant. Of course, an elephant comes to your mind, right. So you use the power of your mind to reboot it and you hit the eject button or the restart. You can call it whatever you'd like. And it's gone. And you're back in today. You're back in today. That's your time machine. You have your own personal time machine. And you can do this anytime. When you're eating lunch, when you're sleeping. Going to sleep. Rather use it anytime. I promise you it'll work. Promise you.

[Caller]

Okay. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome, sweetheart. And thank you for calling. I'm sure this was not a comfortable call for you to make.

[Caller]

No, I was very nervous and I had been thinking about it because I listened to you with my mom for many, many years. And she's always said, what would you call Dr. Lohr about and I was never able to come up with an answer five years ago because I was in that hole. But something just called me to do it today because I had a conversation with my fiance this weekend. I'm sick of feeling shame, so I'm just sick of it. Getting ready to fix it. It really helped me. So thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. And I want you to practice it. I want you sometimes to sit there and do what I just had you do. Conjure up some thoughts and then hit the button. And I want you to see his face and his posture as he was walking toward you. I want you to see the whole thing like you did that day. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Take care, sweetheart. You're welcome. And I'm so proud of you. Really. My number. We have to take a little break. We'll come back with your calls about anything you need to talk about. What are you waiting for to call me today? She waited. Don't wait. Don't wait. Don't wait. Don't wait days, months, years. And just let it keep fermenting negatively. Don't do that. Give me a call. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Walmart Announcer]

The kids are still at practice and I have no idea what's for dinner. You can get a rotisserie chicken and two sides for just $15 in as fast as an hour with Walmart Express delivery.

[Dr. Laura]

Who said that? Who's in my house? Don't play with me. Cause I'm not the one.

[Walmart Announcer]

It's just your friendly Walmart announcer. This is a commercial.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, okay.

[Walmart Announcer]

You were saying dinner for a family was just $15? Yep. It'll be at your door by the time you get the kids home from practice. Order now. Welcome to your Walmart. Subject to availability restrictions and fees apply.

[Dr. Laura]

Now that was a helpful commercial.