I've Got a People-Pleasing Personality

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode Title: I've Got a People-Pleasing Personality
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: March 14, 2025
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "I've Got a People-Pleasing Personality," Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the struggles of individuals who find themselves constantly accommodating others at the expense of their own well-being. This installment features a heartfelt conversation with Sandra, a long-time listener seeking guidance on her tendency to please others, particularly within her family dynamics.

---

Caller Introduction: Sandra's Story

[01:15] Sandra:
Sandra begins by introducing herself as a 63-year-old woman who has been married for 45 years and has three adult children, each with their own grandchildren. She shares a poignant family history:

"When I was 11, my biological sister died and had two kids. My parents adopted them, and I practically helped raise them." [01:42]

This early responsibility significantly shaped Sandra's personality, leading her to prioritize others' needs over her own from a young age.

---

Identifying the People-Pleasing Pattern

Sandra elucidates her current predicament involving her niece, whom she refers to as her sister. Despite not sharing common interests—her niece is passionate about sports, particularly ice skating, while Sandra is not—she finds herself agreeing to spend extended time with her niece:

"Three weeks ago, my sister, niece said, 'Hey, I'm going to take Friday off and we can spend the whole day together.' And I'm like, okay, you know, I think I can do that." [05:28]

This pattern of acquiescence has left Sandra feeling drained and unfulfilled, prompting her to seek Dr. Laura's advice.

---

Dr. Laura's Analysis and Advice

Understanding the Root Cause
Dr. Laura delves into the origins of Sandra's people-pleasing behavior, attributing it to her early familial responsibilities and the conditioning she received as a child:

"You got groomed early to sacrifice yourself... that's your role." [09:58]

Encouraging Assertiveness
Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of Sandra recognizing her own needs and setting healthy boundaries:

"What's in it for you to give it up?" [10:27]

She advises Sandra to approach her niece with honesty, suggesting a gradual shift in how she interacts to avoid confrontation:

"Why don't you call her up and say, 'I've been giving it some thought. I really want to spend the day with you, but I'm not really interested in sports stuff. So how about you go to that with somebody else? And then we can plan something that we both enjoy.'" [13:42]

Evaluating Response and Adjusting Accordingly
Dr. Laura instructs Sandra to view this change as an experiment, assessing her niece's reaction to determine the future dynamics of their relationship:

"If she gets bitchy... she has no care for you. But if she's gracious... she's learned a lot about caring, and that's wonderful." [14:00]

Finalizing the Approach
To ensure Sandra effectively communicates her feelings without overwhelming the conversation, Dr. Laura recommends breaking down her message into manageable parts:

"We have to do this in pieces. We can't blow her out of the water, okay?" [14:46]

She encourages Sandra to express her desire to spend quality time together in a way that honors both their interests:

"I really want to spend the afternoon with you. Not too interested in sports stuff." [15:07]

---

Key Takeaways

1. Recognize Patterns: Understanding the root of people-pleasing behavior is crucial in making meaningful changes.

2. Set Boundaries: It's essential to communicate personal limits clearly and assertively to foster healthier relationships.

3. Evaluate Relationships: Observing how others respond to your boundaries can provide insight into the authenticity and depth of those relationships.

4. Prioritize Self-Care: Ensuring your own needs are met is not selfish but necessary for overall well-being.

---

Conclusion

Dr. Laura's compassionate yet direct advice offers Sandra a pathway to reclaim her autonomy and foster more balanced relationships. By encouraging Sandra to assert her preferences and set clear boundaries, Dr. Laura empowers her to break free from the constraints of people-pleasing, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling interactions with her loved ones.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Sandra at [01:42]:
  "My sister is actually my niece. She's 53."

• Dr. Laura at [09:58]:
  "You got groomed early to sacrifice yourself. You forgot you're not 11 anymore."

• Dr. Laura at [13:42]:
  "Why don't you call her up and say, 'I've been giving it some thought...'"

• Dr. Laura at [14:00]:
  "Gracious or bitchy? But you say I just want to spend the day with you, but not doing a sports thing."

• Dr. Laura at [15:07]:
  "I really want to spend the afternoon with you. Not too interested in sports stuff."

---

This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the podcast episode, providing listeners with valuable insights into overcoming people-pleasing tendencies while honoring personal boundaries and fostering authentic relationships.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Like any girly girl, I love to find great deals on beautiful things and affordable luxury is what I've discovered with Quince. Like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from 50 bucks, 14 karat gold jewelry and washable silk tops and dresses, which is really cool because then you save a lot on dry cleaning. Quince is about gorgeous accessories, jewelry, home goods and clothing priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That's because Quince partners directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of middlemen, pass the savings onto you and me. They only work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with quince. Go to quince.comdoctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U-I-N-C E.comdoctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdoctor thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Sandra welcome to the program.

[Sandra]

Hello Dr. Laura, longtime listener and thank you for taking my call. I, I have, I'm trying to figure out how I can begin with you. So it's not crazy complicated. It isn't. My sister is actually my niece. She's 53.

[Dr. Laura]

How can your sister be your niece?

[Sandra]

Well, when I was 11, my, my, my biological sister died and had two kids and my parents adopted them when I was 11 and I kind of, I raised them. I gave up a lot for them and I, for my parents sake and I, I practically helped raise them. So now that I'm visiting Florida.

[Dr. Laura]

How old were you? And you practically raised them. How old were you?

[Sandra]

11.

[Dr. Laura]

How can you raise kids at 11? I don't know what you're talking about.

[Sandra]

Well, they both, they both worked. I didn't, you know, after school I was responsible for their care.

[Dr. Laura]

Ah.

[Sandra]

So yeah, they both, we were in a very, a real financial pickle after she died. My parents had already had four of us and then they took on these two and we weren't doing well before the two kids came and her bit her bills wiped them out from what I understand. And you know, she had a brain tumor and it was just a, you know, a real sad story. But I don't regret my relationships with my niece and nephew, sister, brother I call them. But you know, it took a long, it took a, it was, it was a big sacrifice, you know, with my after school activities being canceled and yada yada, but because I had, you know, to go home to them. So now I'm, you know, I'm 63 and she's 54. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Laura]

Did you ever get married and have kids of your own?

[Sandra]

Yes, yes. I have three kids. They're all adults and they each have a, I have three grandchildren, one from each kid and.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, good.

[Sandra]

Yeah, I'm married, I've been married for 45 years to the same man.

[Dr. Laura]

Nice.

[Sandra]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I say. Yeah, we're proud. We're proud.

[Dr. Laura]

Good.

[Sandra]

So, yeah, anyway, this, this, this, this dilemma sounds really trivial compared to what's going on in the world. But I just, I, I, Three weeks ago, my, my sister, niece said, hey, I'm going to take Friday off and we can spend the whole day together. And I'm like, okay, you know, I think I can do that. Then it was, oh, I'm going to take you somewhere special, exciting, something that, you know, we like. And this morning she's, she kind of, this is my fault. She said, oh, by the way, I might as well tell you the surprise. It's not a big deal. She says, we're going to go to the ice skating ring where the Panthers have their practice, the Florida Panthers. And she's real into sports and I am not. So I'm like, oh, that's the big surprise that we're going to spend the whole day together. And I didn't tell her. This is, this is a problem I've been doing for years. I, I do go along with way too much. And I don't, not with just her, but with everybody. But I haven't. My daughter said, mom, you got to call Dr. Laura because you're a weenie. And I'm like, like, yeah, that's being a weenie. Because I could have just said, you know, can we do something we both like?

[Dr. Laura]

Listen, I know you're busy. You've got a lot on your plate. We all do. That's why Walmart subscriptions are such a game changer. They make it easy for you to get your groceries and essentials without the hassle of running around. Walmart subscriptions can help you stay stocked on the things you use most, like paper towels, avocados, pet food, baby supplies, vitamins, candles, your favorite snacks. You know, the essentials you can't live without. Plus, Walmart Fresh groceries are backed by a 100% freshness guarantee. Walmart subscriptions are easy to use. Just choose the date and time for your go to items to be delivered on repeat right to your door. Of course, life is full of unexpected surprises. So if a last minute meeting or trip to the doctor comes up, simply edit your delivery schedule. Change the frequency of your subscriptions. Skip or cancel anytime. Walmart's subscriptions are all about helping make your busy life a bit easier. Stay stocked with Walmart subscriptions. Welcome to your Walmart AT T Mobile.

[C]

We'll give you four free 5G phones and four lines for only $25 per line per month with eligible trade ins. And no, it's not a contest, it's every day for a limited time. Everyone's a winner on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for $25 per line per month with autopay discount using debit or bank account $5 more per line without autopay up to $830 off each phone via 24 monthly bill credits plus taxes, fees and $10 device. Well qualified customers contact us before canceling entire account to continue build credits or credit. Stop and balance on required finance agreement to bill credits and if you pay.

[Dr. Laura]

Off devices early CT mobile.com Lily Bug loves to explore the great outdoors while I'm here on the radio with you. I'm able to keep track of her whereabouts though, thanks to the Life360 Bluetooth tile. I clipped it onto her collar with a longer range, louder ring and new sos button tiles can be attached to everyday things like bicycles, keys, soccer bags and even pets. Life 360 puts the real time location of the people and things you care about most in the palm of your hand. Link your life360 and tile accounts and you'll be able to see everyone and everything that matters in one place on your Life360 map. Whether you're keeping an eye on elderly parents or waiting for your teen to safely drive home, stay connected to all you love with Life 360. Visit life360.com or download the app today. Use the code DRLAURA to get 15% off that's life360.com code DRLAURA like any girly girl, I love to find great deals on beautiful things and affordable luxury is what I've discovered with quints like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from 50 bucks, 14 karat gold jewelry and washable silk tops and dresses, which is really cool because then you save a lot on dry cleaning. Quince is about gorgeous accessories, jewelry, home goods and clothing priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That's Because Quince partners directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of middlemen, pass the savings onto you and me. They only work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with quince. Go to quince.comdoctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U-I-N C E.comdoctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdoctor well, you got groomed early to sacrifice yourself. You got groomed early to lazy parents who didn't want to take care of all the kids they brought into the home. So you got trained that that's your role. And it's a small thing to spend a day doing something you don't like to make sure your sister likes you. That's it. So why would you want to change? All you have to do is spend an afternoon and there's no negativity, there's no confrontation, there's no upsettedness. I mean, it seems to me you should stick with it. What's in it for you to give it up? By the way, did you go and did you have a good time?

[Sandra]

I didn't go yet. It's Friday.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, I see. It's upcoming. All right.

[Sandra]

Yes, yes. Sorry. It is upcoming.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, that's fine. I don't know why you'd want to change and your daughter is thinking shortsightedly about this because she benefits from you being like this. She didn't count that in that there are a lot of things she asks of you and your husband asks of you and the other kid asks of you, then that you say yes no matter what. So if you changed, there'd be hell to pay everywhere.

[Sandra]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

What's in it for you? But that would be an interesting thing to say to your daughter. I called Dr. Laura and she said that I probably don't. That you mom don't. And daughter doesn't realize that you'd be saying no to some things about her and she wouldn't like it. Your daughter hadn't thought of that perhaps.

[Sandra]

But she has told me that she actually does like it better when I do assert myself with her. She says I feel more clear. I. I'm not getting like in her view, mixed messages that you don't really want to.

[Dr. Laura]

Nice. Yeah. It's not the same thing as living it though, is it?

[Sandra]

Yeah. I mean, I do take care of the little. The little guy who's 2 years old.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, yeah. You never Say no to anything. I know. And that makes you valuable. You know, some of that is going to go by the wayside.

[Sandra]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

I think the point she made is beautiful, because that would be. If I was your friend, I'd say, you know, we can't be friends because I don't really know what you really want. And I like if we're more clear with each other. But that's me. I'm not a user. But most people like the comfort and convenience of getting what they want when they want it. And you've been providing that, and it's been working.

[Sandra]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it works. Except when I get drained from doing something. You know, my niece, she's a talker and very hyper, and I'm. And I love her, don't get me wrong.

[Dr. Laura]

But I think you Forgot you're not 11 anymore. I think you forgot you're not 11 anymore. I Think that is the main problem. And she's not 16, and she sees.

[Sandra]

Me as a mom. Right, Right.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, moms can say, well, do you want to try out slow and work your way up or just now and then? How about this? You know, when you pour spice or colors on something, you don't coat it. You have a little drip here, a little drip there. Right? So why don't we try a little drip? Why don't you call her up and say, you know, I've been giving it some thought. I really want to spend the day with you bad, But I'm not really interested in sports stuff. So how about you go to that with somebody else? And then you and I can plan something that we both enjoy. Why don't we try it once, see what happens. She gets bitchy. See, if she's gracious about it, because if she gets bitchy about it, it means she's using you and she has no care for you. But if she's gracious about it, then she's learned a lot about caring, and that's wonderful. So why don't we just consider this an experiment? Gracious or bitchy? But you say I just. I want to spend the day with you, but not doing a sports thing. So go to that. Have a good time. And how about we do blank, which we both know we like?

[Sandra]

I'm going to have to write that down. But I. Okay, let me just.

[Dr. Laura]

Take your time. Take your time. Right. I'll stay quiet.

[Sandra]

Okay, I will. All right. Hold on.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm holding.

[Sandra]

Thank you. I'll write in shorthand.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, when I do that, I can't read what I'VE written, so I don't know. Take your time.

[Sandra]

Forgot it. Yeah, you're right. It's gonna. Like those brief forms are just not coming to me right now anyway.

[Dr. Laura]

How about this? We do it together. I really want to spend the day with you. Write that down.

[Sandra]

I don't. I don't want to. Okay, here's the problem. I love her in a way that.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, but you're gonna have. Ma'am, you're gonna have to do this in pieces. Didn't I just tell you about pieces?

[Sandra]

I'm not crazy about her as a person.

[Dr. Laura]

I know that, but we have to do this, and. Ma'am. Quiet while I'm talking to you. We have to do this in pieces. We can't blow her out of the water, okay? All at once.

[Sandra]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

So I'm asking you to work with me here. I really would love to spend the afternoon with you. Doesn't matter if you wouldn't.

[Sandra]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Not too interested in sports stuff. Take your time. Write it out. No shorthand. Not too interested in sports stuff. You go to the event Friday. You go to the event Friday and have a good time.

[Sandra]

Well, it's more of a. It's something that's not timed. It's just like we're going to walk through this mall with panther stuff. So can I say it's sports stuff?

[Dr. Laura]

It's sports stuff. Have a good time. Do it with somebody else, and you and I can plan something else another time. Write that down.

[Sandra]

Oh, no. Here comes the weenie. Hold on.

[Dr. Laura]

Now, from that, we can go. Not spending much time with her at all in the future. But right now, let's just take care of Friday and see how she responds. It's the experiment for you to learn what will happen when you stop being a total people pleaser. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you said sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

[D]

Every day, our world gets a little more connected, but a little further apart. But then there are moments that remind us to be more connected. Human.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you for calling Amica Insurance. Hey, I was just in an accident. Don't worry. We'll get you taken care of.

[D]

At Amica, we understand that looking out for each other isn't new or groundbreaking. It's human. Amica Empathy. Is our best policy.