Living Through a Spouse's Decline

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast – Living Through a Spouse's Decline

Date: December 6, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Antoinette

---

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the emotional and practical challenges of caring for a spouse whose health is declining—specifically, dealing with the anguish, guilt, and loneliness that arise when a loved one is moved into long-term care. Dr. Laura offers compassionate guidance to Antoinette, whose husband, after suffering from COVID and accelerated dementia, now lives in a veterans' nursing home. The conversation explores themes of self-care, grief, and finding meaning and companionship in difficult circumstances.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coping with Spouse’s Decline

• Antoinette's Struggle: Antoinette recounts the difficult experience of placing her husband, whose condition worsened significantly after a COVID infection, into a nursing home. She describes intense guilt and overwhelming loneliness.
• Dr. Laura’s Validation: Dr. Laura reassures her that the decline is not her fault and recognizes the suffering intrinsic to witnessing a loved one lose their sense of self.

Notable Quotes

• “You are not a better person if you destroy yourself.” – Dr. Laura (04:26)
• “I'm just so lonely at home.” – Antoinette (04:34)
• “You're not a bad person. You're not a bad wife. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't make him have Covid. You didn't make him have dementia.” – Dr. Laura (05:10)

---

2. The Guilt of Care Decisions

• Frequency of Visits: Antoinette has been visiting her husband every day, confessed that the daily routine is deteriorating her well-being.
• Dr. Laura’s Advice: Dr. Laura stresses self-care, explicitly telling Antoinette to reduce visits for her own health, gradually scaling back from daily visits to no more than three times a week, eventually to twice.

Notable Quotes

• “Antoinette, that has to stop.” – Dr. Laura, on daily visits (03:53)
• “You can’t really justify damaging yourself.” – Dr. Laura (09:47)
• “No more than three times a week, or I come to your house and pinch your head off.” – Dr. Laura, using humor to drive home her point (11:58)

---

3. Grief and Ambiguous Loss

• Living Loss: Dr. Laura articulates the heartbreak experienced by families of dementia patients, emphasizing the idea of “loss without actually losing you.”
• Dual Grieving: Antoinette mourns her husband’s absence while he remains physically alive, compounding her emotional pain.

Notable Quotes

• “Because it tortures everybody else in our lives... They have loss without actually losing you... They're grieving, but you're not dead yet.” – Dr. Laura (11:21–11:36)
• “I have to grieve twice.” – Antoinette (11:48)

---

4. Self-Care, Companionship & Moving Forward

• Importance of Self-Preservation: Dr. Laura encourages Antoinette to tend to her own health and happiness, noting that martyrdom does not serve her or her husband.
• Suggestion: Get a Pet: Recognizing Antoinette's loneliness, Dr. Laura recommends adopting a dog. Sharing her own experience as a widow, Dr. Laura highlights the comfort a pet can bring.
• Discussing Practicalities: The conversation shifts to choosing the right breed, balancing the pet’s needs with visitation routines, and the positive effect of visiting dogs in care facilities.

Notable Quotes

• “If you want a really sedate dog, you get a Golden Retriever... Golden retrievers are like pillows.” – Dr. Laura (16:09)
• “You cuddle with your dog. I get into bed and she cuddles with me and I go, life is good.” – Dr. Laura (13:16)
• “That might fill in some part of my heart there.” – Antoinette (15:58)
• “I needed that push because everyone's telling me to get a pet, get a pet, get a cat. And I'm like, no, not home and all.” – Antoinette (16:43)

---

Memorable Moments & Speaker Highlights

• Using Humor and Empathy: Dr. Laura combines empathetic listening with playful admonishment, such as threatening to “pinch your head off” if Antoinette keeps exhausting herself with daily visits (11:58).
• Personal Connection: Dr. Laura draws from her own experience with widowhood and pet companionship to connect with Antoinette, offering both practical and moral support (12:09, 13:16, 16:09).
• Encouraging Empowerment: The episode ends on an uplifting note: Dr. Laura energizes Antoinette to look into pet adoption and validates her efforts at self-care.

---

Key Timestamps

• 02:28 – 05:44: Antoinette explains her husband’s decline, her guilt over institutionalization, and her daily commute/visits.
• 04:26 – 05:10: Dr. Laura addresses guilt and the necessity of self-care.
• 09:18 – 10:06: Antoinette shares moments when her husband attempts to communicate, and Dr. Laura helps temper unrealistic hopes.
• 11:21 – 11:58: Dr. Laura talks about the agony of ambiguous loss.
• 12:04 – 14:49: The idea of adopting a dog for companionship is discussed in detail.
• 15:26 – 16:43: They discuss bringing the dog on visits to the nursing home, and the supportive, uplifting potential of a pet.

---

Conclusion

This episode stands as a compassionate guide for anyone grappling with the pain and complexity of a loved one’s decline. Dr. Laura provides both emotional validation and practical strategies for navigating ambiguous loss, setting boundaries, and seeking comfort in new routines and relationships. Her unwavering empathy and straightforward counsel give hope and actionable advice to listeners wrestling with similar experiences.

---

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

With 50 plus weekly options, the Suvi kitchen robot has a meal to meet all your family's needs. Too busy to cook? No problem, just don't feel like making dinner. You're covered. Need to eat the second you walk in the door? Sure thing. And here's the best news. Right now, Suvi is having its biggest sale ever. From easy family feasts to Sunday suppers, takeout favorites, and even date night dinners complete with chocolate souffle, there's nothing your sous vide can't do. With sous vide, you just scan a recipe pop in your meal. Enjoy the day. Meals are ready when you are thanks to built in refrigeration that keeps ingredients safely cooled until it's time to start cooking. Sous Vide's holiday sale going on now. Save $150 off your own sous vide plus get 16 free meals during their best sale ever since. Don't miss out. Go to suv.comdrlora that's s u v I e.comdrlora We've all got just one life and I'm against wasting any of it. If you've been dreaming of starting your own business, don't let self doubt stop you. No turn your what ifs into why nots with Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all E commerce in the United States. They've got beautiful ready to go website templates to match your brand style and Shopify can help with everyday tasks like enhancing product images, writing product descriptions and generating discount codes with their AI tools. From household names to brands that are just getting started, Shopify is the partner that business dreams are made of. So turn your dreams into dollars and give them the best shot at success with with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com DrLora go to shopify.com DrLaura shopify.com DrLaura thanks for listening to my Call of the Day brought to you by Vibriance Super C Serum, the skin care product I use twice a day. Visit vibrance.com drlaura to save 37% and get free shipping. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 247 at drlaura.com Antoinette welcome to the program.

[Antoinette]

Thank you for having me taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. What's up?

[Antoinette]

I'm feeling kind of.

Depressed and I'm trying to handle it better than I am. I had to put my husband into the veterans nursing home last January.

And, well, right before that, he was home with me. And I had assistance, a little assistance, taking care of him. He had Covid. And when he came home from the hospital, he was a different person.

He couldn't get out of bed, get out of bed anymore. And the little dementia that he had, I think it just quadrupled.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, that could happen.

[Antoinette]

Yeah. This. Seeing all this and trying to take care of him at home was just getting too much for me. So I'm guilty because I put him there. It's an hour up and back for me, and I've been doing this since January.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, how often are you going up there? How often are you doing this trip?

[Antoinette]

Every day. Every day.

[Dr. Laura]

Antoinette, that has to stop.

[Antoinette]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

The quality of your health, physically and mentally, matters also. It's not just about him.

Circumstance. You ought not permit the circumstance to make you deteriorate. It's awful when he hopefully has been the love of your life. And this disintegration, this disappearance of him happens.

You are not a better person if you destroy yourself.

[Antoinette]

I'm just so lonely at home.

[Dr. Laura]

Of course you are.

Of course it is. And that's something you will have to get used to. And that will take time. Can't expect things to happen overnight. Transitions are very difficult. They're painful. We fight them.

We hate them. I get it.

[Antoinette]

I hate it.

[Dr. Laura]

This is something you will have to endure.

[Antoinette]

I know.

[Dr. Laura]

You're not a bad person. You're not a bad wife. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't make him have Covid. You didn't make him have dementia. You had a good life. Together. His body and his mind are going.

[Commercial Announcer 1]

To.

[Dr. Laura]

That's not your fault. It's your loss, but it's not your fault. Well, what'd you think? We were going to live forever and be perfect?

[Antoinette]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

We're all going to die of something.

I always say I can't cure normal collagen loss. Normal. But it's also the number one reason you start to feel older, stiffer, and more tired. It begins in your 20s, skyrockets after 40. By age 50, you're likely producing only half of what you used to. But here's the good news. Native path collagen can help restore. What time is stealing. Two scoops a day. Deliver 18 grams of pure bioavailable protein. Peptides support healthy cartilage, increased bone density, skin elasticity, strong hair, nails, even better digestion, flavorless, tested for absolute purity. And right now, you can lock in a special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail price plus free shipping. Don't wait. Supplies move fast. Go to getnativepath.com DrLaura that's getnativepath.com DrLora feel it. See it. Start your transformation today. These statements have not been evaluated by the fda. This product is not intended to diagnose.

[Commercial Announcer 1]

Treat, cure or prevent any disease.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

My dog Max loves chewing on my favorite pair of shoes almost as much as he loves his Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula Dry Dog Food. Seriously, he never leaves a crumb. And I love it too because it's made with high quality protein, antioxidant packed fruits and nutrient rich veggies. Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

[Commercial Announcer 1]

For delicious meals, you could go out to eat or you could just make a Marie Callender's Meal. Marie Callender's classic Chicken Parmigiano bowl is so good. It has marinara sauce that's made from scratch and creamy mozzarella cheese over pasta. It's delicious with no artificial flavors, colors or preservatives and 30 grams of protein. You can find it in the frozen aisle. Marie Callender's what Having it all tastes.

[Commercial Announcer 3]

Like Family movie night just got easier with Fandango. Reserve seats in advance, skip the lines and even cancel if plans change. Plus with Fandango's fan club, save on every trip to the movies. Want to stay in with Fandango at home, you can stream your family favorites right from the couch. Whether it's a weekend outing or a cozy night in, Fandango makes movie magic simple for the whole family. Download the Fandango and Fandango at Home app today.

[Commercial Announcer 1]

Tis the season of gifting and holes to deck and the who's in Hoodooville were in love with new tech. Where can we find Sonos and Samsung and Nintendo? They shouted. Could he find it in one place? This they questioned and doubted when suddenly a who yelled walmart's the place to start. And Dichu added headphones, TVs and games to their carts. With Walmart their shopping was done in a flurry. They cried out who knew? And ordered their gifts in a hurry. Shop the latest tech gifts in the Walmart app.

[Antoinette]

It's going there and seeing him look into my eyes and I feel like he wants to say something.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, I know it seems like that.

[Antoinette]

Today when I walked in and said hello, he said.

I forget what I want to say and I thought, oh, my God, you been forgetting since January.

But he still seems to know a little bit. Something comes through now and then.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah.

[Antoinette]

It doesn't give me hope that things are going to change.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no.

[Antoinette]

It just makes me.

[Dr. Laura]

I remember. I recommend you go no more than three times a.

And at some point it'll go to twice a week.

When it seems like there's really nobody home. You can't.

You can't really justify damaging yourself.

[Antoinette]

I know. I hear you.

[Dr. Laura]

It's not fair to you.

It's not fair to him. The whole thing isn't fair. It sucks.

[Antoinette]

Yeah.

I just needed to talk to you.

[Dr. Laura]

I know. It's all right.

It's really awful. By the way, how is your general state of health? Your brain is obviously good. How's your body?

[Antoinette]

Except for a bad knee, I'm okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Sitting in a car for two hours. Sitting when you get there. This is bad.

[Antoinette]

I just feel.

I know things go wrong when it's not there.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, things go wrong in the time you leave, too.

[Antoinette]

He fell out of his chair once.

[Dr. Laura]

And this is what's going to happen.

And this is going to happen because unfortunately, and I say this with all sincerity, it is annoying and enraging to me that we live past our brains.

Because it tortures everybody else in our lives.

[Antoinette]

That makes sense.

[Dr. Laura]

They have loss without actually losing you.

They're grieving, but you're not dead yet.

Yeah, I know. It's very confusing and upsetting.

[Antoinette]

I have to grieve twice.

[Dr. Laura]

I know.

I know. You're right.

No more than three times a week, or I come to your house and pinch your head off.

And when you're lonely at night, I don't know if you have a pet.

I'm a widow for 10 years. I couldn't. I'd be so lonely at night without Lilybug.

So having a pet is really good.

[Antoinette]

Dr. Laura, I'm 79. If I get a pet now with the adult Antoinette.

[Dr. Laura]

Antoinette. I'm going to be 79 in January. She's going to live another 10 years at least. I'm counting on living another 10 years because I'm taking care of myself.

[Commercial Announcer 1]

If.

[Dr. Laura]

You don't take care of yourself. And the other thing is, you can get either an older dog or you can get a bigger dog. Bigger dogs don't live as long as little dogs.

So instead of anticipating you keeling over in two minutes, I think you need a dog.

[Antoinette]

I do, too. Yes, I do, too.

[Dr. Laura]

You cuddle with your dog. I get into bed and she cuddles with me and I go, life is good. Life is good.

[Antoinette]

I love it, I love it, I love it.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, let's go get a dog.

[Antoinette]

Where do I go? The svca?

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. You can absolutely. You can adopt a dog. You can go on the net and adopt a dog.

There are all these rescues. Is there a particular kind of dog you like?

Can you name a dog type that you like, breed?

[Antoinette]

I like a medium sized dog. Yeah. A shepherd or.

[Dr. Laura]

That ain't no medium sized dog, babe. Okay, a shepherd. Well, they have. Shepherd.

They have. Go on the net and look at, you know, adopting a shepherd and a zillion things will come up. You look for something close to you, you talk to them. You want a certain personality. You want a relaxed dog. You don't want one that's very antsy and needs to run around a lot. So maybe it's like three years old, four years old. Be terrific for you. Be terrific for the dog to have somebody to love it.

[Antoinette]

Oh, that sounds so good. But what do I do with the dog when I'm not there?

Just eat it?

[Dr. Laura]

Well, no. Yeah, well, you're not going to go as often.

And yes, once the dog is learned. Or you can have somebody dog sit. If I've got. I take my dog everywhere. But there are some places it's illegal, like a doctor's office, you know, So I have a friend come. I'm going to be gone for two hours, play with the dog. So you just arrange friends to pitch. Pitch in for you.

[Antoinette]

You know, you just gave me a thought. I could.

On days that they didn't have certain activities, I could actually take the dog with me.

What do you think?

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. Oh, I love it. Because usually in those places they like when dogs come in because it cheers people up. Funny we should mention that.

[Antoinette]

I guess I'd have to have it. They have to have a personality. Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, that's why you really need to check out the dog. So I'd get. I'm looking at my watch now. I'd get busy if I were you.

[Antoinette]

Okay.

Yeah. That might fill in some part of my heart there.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, it would fill in everywhere.

If you want a really sedate dog, you get a golden retriever.

[Antoinette]

Oh, I love them.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, get a golden retriever. That's better than a German shepherd. German shepherds, you need to run them. These dogs are like pillows. Golden retrievers are like pillows.

No, my best friend has one that's bigger than me.

And it's just a love bunny.

[Antoinette]

Oh, that's such a good idea.

I needed that push because everyone's telling me to get a pet, get a pet, get a cat. And I'm like, no, not home and all.

[Dr. Laura]

I love cats, but you really need a dog. That's a different relationship.

[Antoinette]

It is. I've had dogs all my life. Yeah.

Oh, you've been so helpful. I'm so, so kind.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm glad you feel that way. Thank you very. Call me anytime. Okay. Antoinette.

[Antoinette]

Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

Did you know Tide has been upgraded to provide an even better clean in cold water? Tide is specifically designed to fight any stain you throw at it. Even in cold butter. Yup. Chocolate ice cream. Sure thing. Barbecue sauce. Tide's got you covered. You don't need to use warm water. Additionally, Tide pods let you confidently fight tough stains with new coldzyme technology. Just remember, if it's gotta be clean, it's gotta be Tide.