
Protect yourself from a person who causes you heartache, pain and upset, even when they're family. Call 1-800-DR-LAURA / 1-800-375-2872 or make an appointment at DrLaura.com
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Dr. Laura
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Caller
Hi Dr. Laura. So good to hear or speak with you. Hi, second time caller, longtime listener. I am my husband's girlfriend and mommy to a very ugly son. So thank you for your altruism. My question today is do you have any declarative sentence or words of wisdom to de escalate any potential excitability of my sister's psychobabble commentary? I've been accused of gaslighting.
Dr. Laura
I have an answer. I have an answer. Okay, two words. You ready? You want to write these down? You might forget them. They're two words. You think you could do this?
Caller
Yes, ma' am.
Dr. Laura
Minimize contact.
Caller
Okay.
Dr. Laura
That'S it. There's nothing else that's going to work on your sister. But for your sanity and your self respect, minimize contact. Okay, then I have another three word one. You might want to write these down. Okay. Minimize contact. There'll be a multiple choice exam after I'm done. Okay. On the next one is don't talk, listen, which means let her babble for a short period of time and don't say a word. You're allowed to go hmm or ah or but you're not allowed to say any words. This is all for your sanity and your personal feeling of integrity. No other way. I know of that doesn't end up in a screaming fight.
Caller
Exactly. Okay, I have not tried that approach yet.
Dr. Laura
So no, we don't try it. We just turn ourselves over to a new way of existing with this person. We don't try it. This is just the new way of handling it. We minimize contact. If she's at an event, like a family thing, keep away from her. Minimize contact. No calling, no texting. Minimize contact. Just because parents had sex twice and made her, you're not obligated to incorporate her into your life if she's dangerous or destructive. You are not morally obligated just because they had numerous times of fertilizing an egg.
Caller
Understood?
Dr. Laura
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Dr. Laura
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Caller
Yeah, you're right. I don't know why that's such a hard concept to accept at times.
Dr. Laura
Because we're beaten into, especially with mobster movies, the notion that family is everything. Largely, yes. But the caveat I put on there is, except if they're dangerous or destructive, then no.
Caller
Right.
Dr. Laura
Not supposed to put yourself in harm's way because somebody who's related and your mother says, I want all my children to get along. Well, then fix your nasty kid. Leave me out of it.
Caller
Right? Right. All right. Will do not try.
Dr. Laura
Will do okay. No, we don't try. We just turn ourselves over to this. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to answer back. Resist. Resist it. Resist it.
Caller
Perfect. Thank you so much.
Dr. Laura
You're very welcome. Except, of course, if Borg is involved, because resistance is futile. That woke up dan my number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com DrLauraProgram.
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Podcast Information:
In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a personal relationship dilemma presented by a caller. The discussion centers around managing toxic relationships, particularly when familial bonds complicate interpersonal dynamics.
At [01:23], a caller introduces herself as her husband's girlfriend and mother to a son she describes as "very ugly." She seeks advice on handling her sister's "psychobabble commentary," expressing frustration over being accused of gaslighting.
Dr. Laura responds emphatically with a straightforward solution:
"Minimize contact." [02:11]
She emphasizes that there is nothing more effective than reducing interactions to preserve one's sanity and self-respect. She advises the caller to keep distance from her sister during family events and to avoid initiating any form of communication, including calls and texts.
Expanding on her initial advice, Dr. Laura introduces a three-word strategy:
"Don’t talk, listen." [02:18]
This approach involves allowing the other person to express themselves without interruption. The caller is encouraged to use minimal verbal acknowledgments like "hmm" or "ah," avoiding any substantive responses that could escalate tensions.
Dr. Laura underscores the importance of not feeling morally obligated to maintain toxic relationships solely based on familial ties:
"You are not morally obligated just because they had numerous times of fertilizing an egg." [03:22]
She stresses that personal well-being should take precedence over forced familial harmony.
At [05:30], Dr. Laura reiterates the key strategies for the caller:
She advises the caller to excuse herself from conversations gracefully, using phrases like "gotta take care of some things," and to walk away when necessary.
Dr. Laura acknowledges the societal pressure to maintain family unity:
"Because we're beaten into, especially with mobster movies, the notion that family is everything." [08:04]
However, she clarifies that this should not extend to enduring harmful behavior:
"Except if they're dangerous or destructive, then no." [08:22]
This reinforces the idea that personal safety and mental health are paramount, even in familial contexts.
In wrapping up the conversation, Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of resisting the urge to defend oneself or engage in conflict:
"Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to answer back. Resist." [08:37]
She reinforces that maintaining boundaries is essential for personal integrity and peace of mind.
Minimize contact:
"Minimize contact. There's nothing else that's going to work on your sister." [02:11]
Don’t Talk, Listen:
"Let her babble for a short period of time and don't say a word." [03:22]
Moral Obligations:
"You are not morally obligated just because they had numerous times of fertilizing an egg." [03:22]
Family Not Above Well-being:
"Except if they're dangerous or destructive, then no." [08:22]
This episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day provides practical strategies for managing difficult relationships by emphasizing the importance of boundaries and personal integrity. Dr. Laura's no-nonsense advice offers listeners actionable steps to maintain their well-being in the face of familial challenges.