My Husband is Pulling Away

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Podcast: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Episode: My Husband is Pulling Away
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 5, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode features Dr. Laura Schlessinger offering guidance to Kate, a listener who is struggling with her husband's emotional withdrawal after more than two decades of marriage. The focus is on navigating relational distance, especially in the context of addiction recovery, and finding compassionate ways to reconnect without confrontation or pressure.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller Background and Presenting Problem

• Kate has been married for 22 years and shares a 20-year-old son with her husband.

• Both Kate and her husband are long-term members of AA, though her husband has recently disengaged from his recovery maintenance (no meetings, no sponsor).

• Over the past year, Kate’s noticed her husband becoming non-communicative and speaking to her harshly.

  “I’ve been noticing…my husband is kind of not talking to me the way I should be talked to…”
  — Caller, Kate [01:49]

• When Kate tries to address his behavior, her husband becomes frustrated and sometimes tells her it’s “none of your business.”

  “…when I approach him and ask him questions, he doesn’t either answer them or…just shuts down.”
  — Caller, Kate [07:23]

  “Sometimes, like he says, it’s really none of your business, you know?”
  — Caller, Kate [07:27]

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2. Dr. Laura’s Analysis

Exploring Underlying Causes

Dr. Laura first inquires about potential sources of stress (work, health, family, intimacy), suggesting that the root might go beyond the immediate marital tension.

> “What’s in the past year or so increased his anxiety level? What’s going on? Anything with work, anything with sex, anything with family, anything with health?”  
— *Dr. Laura Schlessinger [02:53]*

Kate attributes his issues to disengagement from recovery and general withdrawal from self-care and life responsibilities.

Highlighting the Dynamic of “Shutting Down”

Dr. Laura notes that men, in particular, tend to react to direct questioning by shutting down—a defense mechanism against what feels like an interrogation.

> “Men are not good with being third-degree. They just aren’t. So they shut down just as you described.”  
— *Dr. Laura Schlessinger [08:10]*

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3. Advice and Action Plan

Dr. Laura’s Strategy: Compassion Over Confrontation

• Step 1: Observe and acknowledge changes in his demeanor without judgment or demands.

• Step 2: Perform small, gracious acts (e.g., make a cup of decaf coffee) signaling care and concern, not expectation.

• Step 3: Give physical affection (a hug) and walk away—deliberately do not follow up with probing questions.

  “The key thing is…
  One, you acknowledge what you observe.
  Number two, you do something gracious for him.
  Number three, you give him a hug and walk away.
  Once he gets used to that, you’re not pushing him for answers.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [08:01]

• The intent: To make Kate’s presence emotionally “safe,” so her husband associates her with comfort rather than stress or confrontation.

Notable Analogy

Dr. Laura uses a metaphor:

> “Kind of like a bird, you’re making the nest in the hopes that he’ll lay eggs in it. Which is a stupid thing to say.”  
— *Dr. Laura Schlessinger [08:36]*

Kate responds playfully:

> “Right. But we could pretend that he has eggs today.”  
— *Caller, Kate [09:22]*

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4. Encouragement and Next Steps

• Dr. Laura urges patience, noting this process might take a couple of weeks but can encourage her husband to come toward her.

• She also supports Kate’s idea of returning to Al-Anon to bolster her own support and self-care.

  “If it doesn’t work the first four days, keep doing it…Might take a couple of weeks. You gotta be patient.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [10:05]

  “He’s going through something. I want him to come to you. Let’s make him feel safe.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [10:21]

  “I think I gotta start going to Al-Anon again, too. I think that’s—take care of myself and be kind to him, you know?”
  — Caller, Kate [10:07]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On male emotional withdrawal:
  “Men are not good with being third-degree. They just aren’t. So they shut down just as you described.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [08:10]

• On creating a safe space:
  “If he sees that being with you at that particular moment is pain-free, he might start coming toward you.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [08:13]

• On compassionate action:
  “A hug and walk away. Let me give you some more examples here. I made you a cup of coffee…because I can see you know, you’re deep in thought about something and I wish I could make it easier for you. And you hug him and you walk away.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [07:59]

• Encouragement:
  “He’s going through something. I want him to come to you. Let’s make him feel safe.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [10:21]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:45] — Kate introduces her problem: her husband’s emotional withdrawal.
• [02:53] — Dr. Laura explores possible stressors.
• [07:23] — Discussion of the husband “shutting down.”
• [07:59] — Dr. Laura gives specific steps for compassionate interaction.
• [08:36] — “Nest and eggs” metaphor discussion.
• [10:05] — Emphasis on patient repetition and self-care.

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Summary

Dr. Laura Schlessinger guides Kate through a sensitive approach to her husband’s withdrawal, stressing the importance of kindness and emotional safety over confrontation. She emphasizes small gestures, physical affection, and patience while suggesting Kate continue supporting herself through Al-Anon. The episode underscores Dr. Laura’s no-nonsense style, blending practical strategies with empathy and encouragement for those managing complex relationships impacted by addiction and emotional distance.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura, can you hear me?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes, how can I help?

[Caller]

Okay, hi. I've been listening to you for many years and first time, long time. So I have been married for 22 years and we have a 20 year old son together and we're both in recovery, both in AA and for a long time. For a long time, both of us. And recently, maybe not recently, but maybe in the last year or so I've been noticing like that my husband is kind of not talking to me the way I should be talked to and I, when that happens I, you know, I look at him and I said, I said don't talk to me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What does that mean exactly? Can you give me examples? I don't know what you mean yet.

[Caller]

Yeah, well he, he gets frustrated with me and you know, I told you to do that. I told, I, I said that, you know, like really.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What'S in the past year or so what's increased his anxiety level? What's going on? Anything with work, anything with sex, anything with family, anything with health. What do you think has been particularly stressing him?

[Caller]

I think he's just not going to meetings and he's not working with a sponsor, you know, and he's a dry drunk. That's what I think. But there's, there's problems on every, every front that you just, you know, that you just mentioned because he's just not showing up for his life and for his self care. It might.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

That's. That's the, that's the problem. Like, he shuts down. You know, he thinks that, or. No, I don't know what he thinks, but when I, when I approach him and ask him questions, he doesn't either answer them or, or he just shuts down. And sometimes, like he says, it's really none of your business, you know, so.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, until we know what's going on, it's hard to give you some recommendations other than you must be in a lot of emotional pain and give him a hug and walk away and stop asking questions. Just reflect back how you seem to be a little nervous and stuff. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. A hug and walk away. Let me give you some more examples here. I made you a cup of coffee, or not too much caffeine, decaf, coffee. And because I can see you know, you're deep in thought about something and I wish I could make it easier for you. And you hug him and you walk away. So the key thing is, one, you acknowledge what you observe. Number two, you do something gracious for him. Number three, you give him a hug and walk away. Once he gets used to that, you're not pushing him for answers because men are not, men are not happy with that. In general, men are not good with being third degree. They just aren't. So they shut down just as you described. So if he sees that being with you at that particular moment is pain free, he might start coming toward you. So this is what I'm just asking you to do. I'm asking you. Kind of like a bird. You're making the nest in the hopes that he'll lay eggs in it. Which is a stupid thing to say.

[Caller]

Right. But we could pretend that he has eggs today.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, you and I can do that, but you understand the metaphor, so.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah, like a. Like. Like a couple weeks ago, I got all drama.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no, no, no. Don't give me any more examples. No, no, no. Don't go backwards.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You now have a plan of action.

[Caller]

All right, thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

The main problem is he's not coming toward you. We're going to manipulate the situation in the hopes that that will draw him toward you. So if it doesn't work the first four days, keep doing it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Might take a couple of weeks. You gotta be patient.

[Caller]

I need to go to. Yeah, I. I think I gotta start going to Al Anon again, too. I think that's. Take care of myself and be kind to him, you know?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah. He's going through something. I want him to come to you. Let's make him feel safe.

[Caller]

Okay. Thanks, Dr. Laura. Appreciate you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you. Good luck with that. I have a good feeling. All right. My number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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