My Kids Are My Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Kids Are My Life"
Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Release Date: March 20, 2025

---

Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt concern from a caller named Jen. The discussion revolves around Jen's struggles with detaching herself from her adult children and finding her own identity and life beyond motherhood. Dr. Laura provides no-nonsense advice infused with her signature emphasis on personal responsibility and ethical considerations.

---

Caller Background

Jen's Situation ([01:17] - [02:34]): Jen introduces herself as a dedicated mother who has spent the past twelve years running a daycare to remain a stay-at-home mom for her three children. With her children's fathers absent from their lives, Jen has been the sole caregiver. Now, with her eldest child married with kids, her second at 26, and her youngest at 21, she finds herself struggling to let go and create a life independent of her children.

Key Points:

• Single mother with no paternal support.
• Owned and operated a daycare for 12 years.
• Difficulty detaching from adult children who still rely heavily on her.

---

Challenges with Detaching

Emotional Attachment and Identity ([02:34] - [04:48]): Jen expresses confusion about her identity beyond being a mother. She desires marriage and a fulfilling career but feels tethered to her children, fearing they won't be okay without her constant presence.

Notable Quote:

• Jen: "I just, I don't know how to not be accessible for them all the time and I, I just really need help with that. Like I want there my life." ([02:34])

Dr. Laura's Initial Response ([03:13] - [04:48]): Dr. Laura challenges Jen's reluctance to seek a relationship, highlighting the complexities and potential conflicts that come with blending families. She emphasizes the importance of considering the long-term consequences of such decisions, especially concerning time and attention divided between new relationships and her existing family.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: "Think about the long term consequences. I recommend you date. Don't shack up and date." ([04:04])

---

Dr. Laura's Advice

On Relationships and Personal Boundaries ([04:04] - [06:26]):

Dr. Laura discourages Jen from hastily entering a new marriage, particularly with someone who has previous marriages and children. She warns that this would complicate Jen's ability to fully engage with her grandchildren and personal aspirations.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: "You can't. You will want to service your grandkids and children. He will want to serve his grandkids and children." ([04:06])

On Career and Self-Sufficiency ([05:14] - [08:56]):

Jen admits to having management experience and working as a mail carrier but feels stuck without further education or a clear career path. Dr. Laura encourages her to embrace change, even without knowing exactly what she wants to do. She advises Jen to pursue activities that provide personal fulfillment and to avoid complacency.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura: "Go change. I don't care if you don't know what. Do it anyway." ([08:05])
• Jen: "I want to change. I don't want to stay doing things, but I just don't know what." ([07:50])

On Personal Responsibility and Self-Perception ([06:26] - [09:35]):

Jen grapples with the fear that her children won't thrive without her constant involvement. Dr. Laura firmly rebukes this sentiment, asserting that it demonstrates a lack of confidence in her children's abilities and highlights Jen's avoidance of personal growth.

Notable Quotes:

• Jen: "I just feel like they're not going to be okay unless I still got them." ([06:54])
• Dr. Laura: "Ma'am. That is so terrible of you to say that your kids are that incompetent." ([06:59])
• Dr. Laura: "You raised them. They already learned all they need to know from you when you raise them. Now they have their own lives." ([06:59])

---

Conclusion

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of Jen taking proactive steps toward building her own life separate from her children. She advises against seeking therapy as a means of avoidance and instead encourages engaging in activities that foster personal growth and independence. Dr. Laura's straightforward approach underscores the necessity of self-reliance and the pursuit of personal happiness beyond one's familial obligations.

Final Advice:

• Engage in adult education courses or hobbies like crocheting or watercolor.
• Embrace change even without a clear plan.
• Avoid becoming a "pain in the ass" by overstepping boundaries.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: "Give them something to respect and admire for this part of your life." ([08:56])

---

Key Takeaways

• Personal Responsibility: Dr. Laura stresses the importance of taking control of one's life and not relying solely on others for fulfillment.

• Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial for both personal growth and the independence of adult children.

• Embracing Change: Even in uncertainty, taking steps toward change can lead to personal development and new opportunities.

• Self-Confidence: Trusting in one's abilities and the capabilities of one's children is essential for fostering healthy, independent relationships.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Jen: "I want to change. I don't want to stay doing things, but I just don't know what." ([07:50])

• Dr. Laura: "You can't. You will want to service your grandkids and children. He will want to serve his grandkids and children." ([04:06])

• Dr. Laura: "Ma'am. That is so terrible of you to say that your kids are that incompetent." ([06:59])

• Dr. Laura: "Go change. I don't care if you don't know what. Do it anyway." ([08:05])

• Dr. Laura: "Give them something to respect and admire for this part of your life." ([08:56])

---

This episode provides valuable insights into the challenges of redefining personal identity after years of dedication to parenting. Dr. Laura's candid and direct approach serves as a guide for listeners facing similar struggles, emphasizing the necessity of self-care, independence, and the courage to pursue one's own aspirations.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Like any girly girl, I love to find great deals on beautiful things and affordable luxury is what I've discovered with Quince. Like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from 50 bucks, 14 karat gold jewelry and washable silk tops and dresses, which is really cool because then you save a lot on dry cleaning. Quince is about gorgeous accessories, jewelry, home goods and clothing priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That's because Quince partners directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of middlemen, pass the savings onto you and me. They only work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with quince. Go to quince.comdoctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C E.comdoctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdoctor thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Jen welcome to the program.

[Jen]

Hi Dr. Laura, good afternoon. Great to speak to you as always. Not my first time. So today I'm calling because I need to learn how to detach myself from my grown children and I'm really having a hard time because it's only been us four. Their dads haven't been involved. I never had anybody around them as they were growing up. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom so I opened up a daycare. I owned a daycare for 12 years. That way I could be a stay at home mom. And since it's always been just us, now one is 28, married with kids, one is 26 and one is 21 and they're still my life. I just, I don't know how to not be accessible for them all the time and I, I just really need help with that. Like I want there my life.

[Dr. Laura]

What, what would be your life instead? I don't know what that means yet. So tell me what that means.

[Jen]

I don't know either. I'm. I'm at this point where I don't know. I'm not married. I am dating, which is a complete joke. And I would love to be married and have a nice career, great career and focus on that. But instead my focus is still on my kids.

[Dr. Laura]

Honey, it's a big risk trying to make a life with some guy who's already had marriages, divorces, kids and all that so. And that would take time and attention away from your grandkids. Be careful about that. And you'd have fights with him. No, I want to go to my grandkids. No, we didn't go to my. Can't we do it this Christmas? Please don't get married again. I mean, think about it as I tell people. Think about the consequences of decisions before you make them. The consequence of decision. Marrying some guy also has kids who are going to make grandkids is how are you going to serve them all? You can't.

[Jen]

It'll be tough. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

No, it's not tough. You can't. You will want to service your grandkids and children. He will want to serve his grandkids and children. He's not going to be happy when you don't come along. You're not going to be happy when he doesn't come along. You have to think about the long term consequences. I recommend you date. Don't shack up and date. That's number one. Number two, what job could you do? What do you know how to do?

[Jen]

That's my whole thing.

[Dr. Laura]

You said you want a career. Ma'am, you use the word career. What is it you know to do? Tell me, what do you know?

[Jen]

I. I basically have just management experience and being a mail carrier. I never went to school. I never.

[Dr. Laura]

That's fine. You could be a mail carrier again. I love the lady who delivers my mail. We hug every day. We do. That would be a start. You wouldn't have to stay in that forever. But it's something you know and you have experience, so you likely could get hired. So go do that. Don't just sit around and say, I don't know. I like the idea that you're available when they need you, but I don't like the idea that they feel obligated to fill the space that you're not filling with anything else. Else. It's not their job. And if you're not dead when their kids are grown up and out, then it's important for you to be a role model of how to carry on afterwards.

[Jen]

So the whole thing about I raised my kids and now it's my turn, it's my life. Does that really even exist?

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, of course it does. You don't see mother birds following the baby birds around the neighborhood, do you?

[Jen]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

No.

[Jen]

I just feel like they're not going to be okay unless I still got them.

[Dr. Laura]

Ma'am. That is so terrible of you to say that your kids are that incompetent. How Dare you. How dare you insult them like that? They can do just fine without you. You raised them. They already learned all they need to know from you when you raise them. Now they have their own lives. It's your turn to have yours. Don't become a pain in the ass. It's not that you believe they can't do it without you. You'd rather they couldn't do it without you because then you wouldn't have to get a job and make other decisions. You're being lazy and you're avoiding. You're looking for excuses. They can't live without me. Well, then they all have the IQ of a haircut.

[Jen]

I'm currently a mail carrier. I am a mail carrier. Currently.

[Dr. Laura]

I. Oh, okay. You said you weren't working. Well, you said. I. I misunderstood. I. I thought you needed a career.

[Jen]

Well, I want to change. I don't want to stay doing things, but I just don't know what.

[Dr. Laura]

Go change. I don't care if you don't know what. Do it anyway. Just for the sake of change. Don't sit around with the excuse. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. The only way we know anything is to move forward and experiment. I just don't want you to become a pain in the ass. I really am concerned about that.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Give them something to respect and admire for this part of your life.

[Jen]

Do you think getting regular therapy could.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I don't think you need therapy. You want to spend. That's another excuse. I'll spend six to nine months to a year in therapy, and I'll come every week and talk about how I don't know what I want to do. Yeah, and some therapists will enjoy that because it's called income.

[Jen]

Oh, correct.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. Stop looking for ways out of it. Please. Stop it. Go take some adult education courses. Take up crocheting or watercolor. Start having a little fun with the time. Now. Go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Katie]

Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale. Emma has a test tomorrow.

[Dad]

Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while mama's gone is not easy, but did you know that now Walmart pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door.

[Katie]

Wait, what really?

[Dad]

Yep. Just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door.

[Katie]

Thanks, dad.

[Dr. Laura]

When does mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes.

[Dad]

Now your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart delivery not available for all prescriptions exclusion supply.