Dr. Laura Schlessinger (1:32)

First of all, I don't know what you want. What the hell is closure? What does that mean? I want closure? What?

Caller Jeanine (1:42)

Yeah.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (1:43)

What is that?

Caller Jeanine (1:44)

Maybe I don't even know what I need. It's just.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (1:49)

Oh, you know what you need? You may not be using the word that would help me understand. So what would be a better word that my little pea brain could get?

Caller Jeanine (2:02)

Forgiveness.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:04)

Okay. Forgiveness. In my world, religiously, forgiveness requires the other person to take full responsibility for what they've done, demonstrate and feel actual true remorse, do what they can to fix it, whatever it is they've done, and never repeat it again. It's the four R's. So has she shown remorse for what she did? Yes or no?

Caller Jeanine (2:31)

No.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:32)

Okay. Has she taken responsibility for what she did? Yes or no?

Caller Jeanine (2:38)

No.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:39)

As she tried to fix the damage.

Caller Jeanine (2:43)

I feel like now I need a yes or no. No.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:48)

I need a yes or a no. Okay. Has she fixed the damage?

Caller Jeanine (2:54)

No.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2:55)

Has she stopped repeating it?

Caller Jeanine (2:59)

No.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:01)

Then there is no forgiveness. So we don't know what closure is. We can't forgive because there's no basis for it. It would just be us going, I'm such a good person, I forgive. Which usually doesn't work because you don't feel any better. Are you still another. Yes. No question. Are you still in a relationship with your mother?

Caller Jeanine (3:23)

Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:25)

And tell me the extent of the relationship you have with your mother.

Caller Jeanine (3:31)

It's mostly just cause we don't live in the same state. So that makes it more helpful to have the relationship.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:39)

Okay. You're telling me a story rather than answering my question. And my questions are really serious and they take me somewhere and then I get to take you with me. Okay. What is the status of the relationship with your mother?

Caller Jeanine (4:07)

Hard. It's just difficult.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:23)

What do you want from her? What do you want from her now, today? What is it you want from that woman? Be very clear about that. I want my mother to.

Caller Jeanine (4:38)

Acknowledge the damage she did too. Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:46)

How old are you? How old are you?

Caller Jeanine (4:50)

56.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:52)

And how old were you when damage was done?

Caller Jeanine (4:59)

First 20 years and continuing.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:06)

Have you ever been in therapy?

Caller Jeanine (5:12)

Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:14)

For how long?

Caller Jeanine (5:20)

On and off for two years.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:26)

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Caller Jeanine (8:16)

I could heal my past.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (8:20)

What does heal mean? See, we use all these words, these psychotype words. I'm going to heal. What does that mean? For the rest of your life, you will remember the crap your mother did. You'll remember the nice things people did. You'll remember the crappy things people did. So what does healing mean?

Caller Jeanine (8:41)

To be able to move on, to stop living in the past.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (8:46)

Well, that's a choice of yours, but, oh, wait a minute, that doesn't require your mother to do anything. All you have to do is say, screw that. I'm going to take a course in art. I'm not going to spend two more years in therapy talking about the same thing, saying I'm not healed. I don't even know what healing means. I know what it means on a boo boo on your arm, but I really don't know what people talk about. Do they mean they don't feel pain anymore? They don't have memories anymore? They're not upset about it anymore? What is it? Tell me what healing means. I gave three options.

Caller Jeanine (9:23)

To not keep living in the past, to be able to move on.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (9:27)

No, but that's. No, that's not healing. No, no. That has nothing to do with healing. If you choose to keep going in the past, that's the direction you tend to drive. The car is facing forward and you have it in reverse. What the hell? That's a choice. No, I don't think you do that.

Caller Jeanine (9:48)

And I.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (9:48)

No, you don't Ma'. Am.

Caller Jeanine (9:49)

Tell myself, not that choice anymore.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (9:53)

No, no. You're wasting your life on trying to heal.

Caller Jeanine (10:03)

I agree. So how do you fix it when you tell yourself not to go in that direction anymore, but you just keep doing it and you're like, stop it.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:12)

Well, if I don't want to scratch my nose with my right hand, I give my right hand something else to do. You know that concept? Got to stop picking my nose. You got to sit on your hand. You got to give your hand something else to do. You have defined your whole life by this misery. And I don't even know what the misery is, but I'm going to assume it's really bad. I'm not minimizing what you went through as a kid. Not minimizing at all. You probably just were not lucky in the mother department, and you got somebody really bad who hurt you. Well, what happens when people have a skiing accident and they're paralyzed from the waist down?

Caller Jeanine (11:04)

They get back up, and they.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:06)

They can't get back up. They are now permanently paralyzed. It's now a total part of their body. Just like your history is a total part of your body. The fact that they, from the waist down, can't feel, can't move, is a total of who? That's it. It's not going away. It's not going away that they're paralyzed. It's not going away that your mother was crappy. None of that is going away. So what should the paralyzed person do? Spend their time lamenting how they used to be going over and over the accident for 30 years.

Caller Jeanine (11:43)

They need to learn how to live this life.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:47)

And do they feel bad that they're paralyzed?

Caller Jeanine (11:52)

Sure.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:53)

Absolutely. Every day. Every day they're sad that they can't get up by themselves. Every day. And every day they regret all the things they won't be able to do with their children or their spouses, et cetera, or their team if they were athletes. Every day, it's in their memories. Every day. And every day they go do something else. You're expecting to move on with life after you have resolved this? There is no resolve. You're not going to get what you want from your mother ever. Ever. And I got news for you. She died tomorrow. You wouldn't give this up anyway. This is your identity. This is your whole way of being. This is who you are. So, like a paralyzed person, you're paralyzed. You have a decision to make. Am I going to spend every day crying over this and talking about it with a therapist? Hours and Hours and hours and hours and hours, getting nowhere. Or am I going to take up skydiving? That's where each human being decides the path of the rest of their lives. Nothing keeps you from that. Nothing.

Caller Jeanine (13:33)

Anything you want to say that's true.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:38)

I just want you to have a life, woman. What the hell? I'm sorry. Your mother was a bitch. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't want to hear about it. I hope you never explain it to anybody else again. It is a stupid, useless thing to keep doing. It doesn't change anything. And it never makes you feel better and it never makes you do better. You should make a commitment today to never discuss your mother again.

Caller Jeanine (14:06)

I can do that.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:08)

Good. Now get on the Internet and look at some courses that are at your local two year college. Sign up for one. Basket weaving, which is actually fun.

Caller Jeanine (14:21)

Can I ask you one more question?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:24)

Not if it has to do with your mother. I won't permit it. I won't answer it. Yep. Won't answer it. You can go to six more therapists and spend the money and the time. You want to keep talking about your mother. I don't want to hear about it anymore.

Caller Jeanine (14:36)

She calls me every day.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:38)

Yeah, you know, people can call me. I have the right to answer the phone or not. I have the power to either pick up the phone and push that little circle across or hit decline.

Caller Jeanine (14:55)

Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:57)

You have that power too. We are equally powerful in that regard.

Caller Jeanine (15:02)

That's right. Thank you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:10)

Don't pro. Don't prolong this. Get your life back. Come on. Enough crying over this. Enough. My God, you must be cried out. I'm surprised your lacrimal glands haven't gone on strike. Those are the ones producing tears.

Caller Jeanine (15:31)

Just in case. Thank you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:35)

Okay, sweetheart, I expect you to hang up, go on the Internet, look up your local two year college and sign up for some idiot course. Anything. It could be stupid or brilliant. I don't care. But we're marching on. We're not going to be paralyzed anymore. Well, maybe in little bits and drabs. Yeah. Changes are not usually 100%. Go have a life. Go have a life. It's fun. It can be annoying, but it's fun. Go do something fun. Learn to make ice cream. Whatever it is. My number. You're never going to get closure and forgiveness. Forget it. It won't make you feel better. It's letting go. The only way you're going to stop picking your nose is to do something else with your hand. Or both hands. If you're ambidextrous in nose picking. My number one, 800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the DRLaura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com, click on sponsors to take advantage of the special Discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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