My Mom is Divorcing My Gay Dad

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: My Mom is Divorcing My Gay Dad
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 17, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger advises 20-year-old college student Emma, who is struggling to cope with her parents' divorce after learning that her father was unfaithful throughout the marriage—with men—and is gay, though not openly. Emma seeks guidance on supporting her mother, managing her newfound anger and confusion toward her father, and untangling her own life from her parents' drama. Dr. Laura gives her trademark straightforward counsel, emphasizing personal boundaries, emotional independence, and self-preservation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parental Divorce and Emotional Fall-Out

• Emma shares her background: her parents were married over 30 years, recently divorced due to her father's infidelity, which involved men.
• She feels burdened by the expectation to support her mother and struggles with her relationship with her father.

2. Dr. Laura’s Core Advice: Do Not Support Your Mother

• Dr. Laura quickly interrupts to caution Emma against taking on the role of emotional support for her mother.
• Quote:

  “You're not there to support your mother. Stop that. Don't even think about being a support for your mother. When parents look at their adult children for support, I call that child abuse.” (02:42)

• According to Dr. Laura, it is not a child’s duty to be their parent's support system, as it disrupts healthy adult development.

3. Establishing Emotional Distance

• Dr. Laura insists Emma should emotionally detach from her parents' issues and focus on building her own life.
• Quote:

  “Your job right now is to actually move away from them emotionally, okay?” (04:04)

• She warns against shouldering guilt and taking responsibility for either of her parents' happiness or choices.

4. Therapy and Relationship With Her Father

• Emma mentions she and her father are in counseling to work on their relationship.
• Dr. Laura objects to this, advising that Emma should not feel obligated to develop compassion or understanding for her father’s choices right now.
• Quote:

  “It's an imposition on you to build compassion and sympathy for your dad. Forget that.” (08:48)

• She recommends Emma inform her therapist of this perspective, suggesting she avoids such joint therapy at this time.

5. Rejecting Negative Generalizations

• Emma worries that her father’s actions, contradicting the example of a “healthy marriage,” cast doubt on her own ability to trust men or form healthy relationships.
• Dr. Laura emphasizes that Emma should not extrapolate her father’s behavior to all men or future partners.
• Quote:

  “Your dad is not the prototype of men. I'm a widow now. My husband didn't do that. Not all men do that. Yeah, that's just silly.” (09:21)

• Dr. Laura pivots the lesson: the real takeaway should be to listen to one's own instincts regarding red flags in relationships.

6. Learning from the Past, Letting Go of Guilt

• Dr. Laura shares that Emma’s mother likely had inklings about her father’s sexuality even before marriage but ignored them, a mistake Dr. Laura warns Emma not to repeat.
• Quotes:

  “The lesson here is, when you have an instinct, freaking listen to it.” (10:02)
  “Don't do that. Typical woman mistake. When you have a feeling about something, respect it.” (10:40)

• She urges Emma to relinquish guilt and prioritize her own well-being and personal growth.

7. Pragmatic Closure

• Dr. Laura reiterates Emma should discontinue therapy with her father and draw back from involvement in both parents’ personal lives.
• Quote:

  “Walk away.” (11:16)

• Emma is instructed to maintain only casual contact (“go out to lunch with your mom now and then”) and avoid discussions about family drama.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On child-parent boundaries:

  "When parents look at their adult children for support, I call that child abuse." — Dr. Laura (02:45)

• On the futility of analysis:

  "Don’t try to figure him out. Your mother couldn't figure him out. He can't even figure himself out. So don't try to figure out your parents." — Dr. Laura (04:17)

• On boundaries and emotional detachment:

  "It's her job to take care of herself, whether it's friends, counseling, whatever. It's her job, not yours. Yours is to start your life." — Dr. Laura (03:44)

• On instincts and relationship choices:

  "When you have an instinct, freaking listen to it... Don’t ignore it because you’re emotionally needy. Don’t do that, please." — Dr. Laura (10:02, 10:40)

• On not generalizing or internalizing:

  "Don't generalize if mom or dad was a screw-up. Don't generalize that." — Dr. Laura (13:13)

• On healthy letting-go:

  "A lot of young people would be mentally, emotionally doing a better thing with their lives right now if they walked away from their parents’ drama. It's not your drama. It's their drama." — Dr. Laura (13:08)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:49] Emma introduces her situation (parents’ divorce, father’s infidelity)
• [02:42] Dr. Laura’s first intervention: “Do not be your mother’s support system.”
• [04:04] Dr. Laura stresses emotional detachment from both parents
• [04:45] Emma asks about relationship with her dad and therapy
• [08:48] Dr. Laura reiterates: No obligation to sympathize with her father
• [09:21] Addressing Emma’s fear of trusting men or marriage
• [10:02] - [10:40] Dr. Laura on trusting instincts and learning from her mother’s mistake
• [11:16] Dr. Laura’s core conclusion: “Walk away.”
• [13:01] - [13:13] Advice on not generalizing guilt or family dysfunction

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Conclusion

Dr. Laura’s approach in this episode is direct, authoritative, and unsparing of euphemisms. She offers Emma permission to drop the heavy, unwarranted responsibilities for her parents’ emotional lives and urges her to guard her own sense of self as she moves forward—insisting that one’s own well-being must come before inherited drama or misplaced guilt. The essential lesson is to trust one’s instincts, maintain boundaries, and focus on building a positive future distinct from the missteps of prior generations.

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For more from Dr. Laura or to listen live, visit drlaura.com or tune in to SiriusXM Triumph 111.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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[Emma]

Hey Dr. Laura, how are you?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Good, Emma. How can I help?

[Emma]

First, I want to thank thank you for taking time to talk to me.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're welcome.

[Emma]

I am so I'm 20 years old and I'm a college student. I'm in nursing school and my parents have been married for over 30 years and they decided to get a divorce in March of 2025 and that has taken a toll a lot on me. My dad was unfaithful to my mom for the entire marriage is what she expressed to me. And she was unfaithful to my mom with men, not women. And so I have been struggling a lot with how to deal with one divorce and two my relationship with my dad and being able to support my mom through it all. So I just wanted to seek your wisdom.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're not there to support your mother. Stop that. Don't even think about being a support for your mother. When parents look at their adult children for support, I call that child abuse. There's a difference between calling once a week and saying mom, how you doing? Want to go to lunch or Listening to her complain and whine and tell you the ugly truth behind their lives. And that's abusing you. And that will get you off track in your life. Do not be her support system. Absolutely not. It's not your role. It's not your place. Mother birds sit on the eggs. They hatch and the birds fly away. The mother doesn't say, excuse me, I'm very upset. Daddy bird was not nice to me. Come back into the. You don't see that, do you?

[Emma]

Yes, ma'.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Am. Please don't be your mother's support, okay? And spit out any notion of guilt. Just spit it out. Get rid of it.

[Emma]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It's her job to take care of herself, whether it's friends, counseling, whatever. It's her job, not yours. Yours is to start your life. And your dad's been gay forever.

[Emma]

And he won't admit it to us and he will continue to do.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah, well, yeah, don't spend a lot of time trying to figure him out. Your job right now is to actually move away from them emotionally, okay?

[Emma]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Don't try to figure him out. Your mother couldn't figure him out. He can't even figure himself out. So don't try to figure out your parents. Yeah, no, that's a mess. I'd like you to leave it behind. You have a life to build now. And I don't want you to feel guilt and distracted because you have. You're going to become a wonderful nurse. And nurses, frankly, are more important than doctors. Yes. You know that. They tell you that in nursing school, but they whisper.

[Emma]

Yes, ma'. Am. How should I go through with my relationship with my dad? We're in counseling for it. But I like, should I. I wish.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You were not in counseling for it. And you can tell the therapist that you called me and I suggested that the first thing for you to do is distance yourself from their stuff. Tell the counselor Dr. Laura Schlesinger recommended for the first part to distance yourself, not to be built in compassion and understanding for their screw ups. That's not your job. And right now you're not going to have a very good relationship with your dad, if any. He's still screwing around with who he is, and he's screwing around with men. And who knows what he's doing? It's not your job to help him do that. Okay? So please tell the therapist I told you to quit.

[Emma]

Okay?

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Of course, you can do whatever you want, but I'd like you to tell the therapist that I think it's a mistake, and it's. It's an imposition on you to build compassion and sympathy for your dad. Forget that.

[Emma]

Yeah, I've had a lot of anger, and it's kind of. It kind of fluctuates. It's like they were the prime example of, you know, a healthy marriage to me, growing up in my childhood and what I looked for, you know, and a future partner and then that. Just, like, seeing how my dad acted.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Your dad? Yeah, but, see, that's why I don't want you doing this. Your dad is not the prototype of men. I'm a widow now. My husband didn't do that. Not all men do that. Yeah, that's just silly. And your mother knew, you know, if I could get her on the air and beat her senseless with words, she'd admit that something was peculiar when they were dating.

[Emma]

Yeah, she. She kind of knew, I guess, like, in the 90s. I guess how she explained to me was she had a sense that something was up, and then she.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And she ignored that. So the message for you to learn is, not all men can't be trusted. Therefore, I'll never have a nice marriage. The lesson here is, when you have an instinct, freaking listen to it. Don't move forward just because of your age. Your eggs are getting old, you want to get married, you're tired, you're lonely. In other words, your mother made a mistake.

[Emma]

Yeah. Yes. And I'm very.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

She knew.

[Emma]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So don't do that. Typical woman mistake. When you have a feeling about something, respect it. Don't ignore it because you're emotionally needy. Don't do that, please. Right now, my advice, based on what you said, is stop doing therapy with your dad. And it is not your job to try to build a relationship with him. It is not your job to help him straighten out his psyche. Not your job. It's not your job to Be your mother's best friend, not your job.

[Emma]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Walk away.

[Emma]

Do you think that they should have, like, she caught him 10 years ago and then stayed with him to give me a good childhood? Do you think that she should have walked away then?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

No, I think she should have walked away before the wedding.

[Emma]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I. She discovered everything, like, kind of more so in the marriage. Like, she felt. They've been together since high school, so she didn't know that he was gay before they got married, but they.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

She knew. You knew. She did hint to you that she knew something was wrong, had ignored it because she started out as a teenager with him, and he was struggling with whoever he was in his mind. And young girls like to fix men. Yeah. See how much time you're spending analyzing this?

[Emma]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Just helping you become a better nurse. No.

[Emma]

So just stepping away and living my life.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yes.

[Emma]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You can feel bad for them. You can go out to lunch with your mom now and then, but don't discuss. Don't discuss her personal life, her marriage, your dad. You have to walk away from this in order to have your life. This is theirs. Don't analyze it. This is theirs. Please. And as I said before, spit out any notion of guilt. Just. Guilt's out.

[Emma]

Okay. Yes, ma'. Am. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're very welcome. And call me if you need to retread this tire, because I'll retread it. A lot of young people would be mentally, emotionally doing a better thing with their lives right now if they walked away from their parents. Drama. It's not your drama. It's their drama. However it impacted you, whatever, but it's your turn. And don't generalize if mom or dad was a screw up, don't generalize that. That's women and men. Spouses ever go to a grocery store? How many different kinds of apples there are? Come on. There are all kinds of different people with backgrounds and psyches and characters and consciences. You just have to hold out for a good and not jump because you're needy. You hear me? My number. 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the DRLaura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com Click on Sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts of the available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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