Not Allowing Family To Be Mean To You

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: The Dr. Laura Podcast
Episode Title: Not Allowing Family To Be Mean To You
Date: December 1, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Theme:
This episode centers around handling difficult family dynamics—specifically, whether you are obligated to participate in family gatherings with in-laws or former in-laws who treat you poorly. Dr. Laura answers a listener's heartfelt question about navigating continued obligations to her husband’s late ex-wife's relatives, who have consistently made her feel unwelcome and challenged her role, despite years of goodwill.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Caller’s Dilemma

[02:31-04:45]

• The caller describes her situation:
  • Stepmother to her husband's son, whom she adopted.
  • Her husband's ex-wife (the child's biological mother) passed away years ago.
  • Despite years of effort to keep the son connected with his late mother's family, gatherings have always been uncomfortable due to passive-aggressive and condescending behavior.
  • Now, with her son grown (21 years old), she questions if she needs to keep attending these events, especially as her husband pressures her to do so.
• She seeks advice on how to communicate to her husband that she no longer wants to participate.

Key Quote:

“I was cheerfully supportive to help maintain that bond for my son when he was young, but now he is fully grown... Do I need to keep going? And how can I tell my husband that I do not want to go this or any other year?" (Caller, 04:44)

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Dr. Laura’s Response and Guidance

[08:23-09:37]

• Dr. Laura expresses bewilderment at the caller's tolerance for mistreatment, given her impressive and assertive background as a military officer, pilot, and attorney.
• She emphasizes the importance of self-respect and setting boundaries, particularly since the caller “went above and beyond the call of duty” while her stepson was young.
• Dr. Laura questions why the husband does not stand up for his wife in the face of poor treatment from the ex-wife’s family.

Key Quotes:

"An officer, a pilot, and an attorney, and she doesn't know how to say, 'I'm sorry. Your people are not nice to me. Have a good time. I don't want to go anymore.' I was above and beyond the call of duty."
(Dr. Laura, 08:44-09:07)

"First of all, I don't understand a woman who was an officer, a pilot, and a lawyer allowing her husband to get away with standing by when his family is mean to you. I don't get that. That would have lasted 20 minutes with me. You are way too patient."
(Dr. Laura, 09:20-09:37)

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Boundaries, Assertiveness, and Self-Respect

• Dr. Laura’s core message: No one should feel obligated to repeatedly engage with people who are persistently rude or cruel, especially when the original purpose (the welfare of a minor child) is no longer relevant.
• She advocates for direct and honest communication between spouses, highlighting the importance of expressing discomfort and refusing further mistreatment.
• Dr. Laura implies that endurance of family hostility isn’t a requirement of marriage or parenthood, especially when it ceases to benefit anyone.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura to the Caller:

  “You are way too patient.” (09:37)

• Caller's self-assessment:

  “I was cheerfully supportive to help maintain that bond... but now that he is grown… do I need to keep knowing going?” (04:44)

• Dr. Laura’s advice:

  “I will not be mistreated anymore.” (09:20)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:31-04:45] – Caller’s full backstory and main question
• [08:23-09:37] – Dr. Laura’s main analysis, guidance, and reflection on boundaries

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Tone, Style & Overall Reflection

Dr. Laura’s approach is frank, supportive, and unmistakably direct. She cuts swiftly to the core issues of boundaries and self-respect, energizing her advice with both empathy and tough love. The episode emphasizes that adulthood and family do not grant others license to be perpetually unkind, and that healthy boundaries—communicated clearly and assertively—are essential for human dignity and marital partnerships.

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Summary

In this episode, Dr. Laura counsels a listener struggling with pressure to attend holiday gatherings with her late husband's ex-wife's family, who have long treated her coldly. Dr. Laura commends the caller for her years of patience and contribution to family harmony, but urges her to assertively step back now—for her own wellbeing. The message: It’s never wrong to stop letting people be mean to you, and being assertive about it, especially with a supportive spouse, can be an act of strength and love.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Best to answer it. These are the kinds of questions I receive. You ready? Each year around Christmas, my husband's ex wife's aunt and uncle. Okay, so her husband was married to this woman who has an aunt and an uncle but they're not married anymore. The ex wife host a pasta making get together sounds fun for me, but it is more of a gauntlet of passive aggressive comments that I have to endure with a smile. I have gone in the past but I do not want to go anymore. The ex wife was a drug addict and left them long before I came in the picture. My son was 4 at the time she left and and I didn't even meet my husband until he was eight and then she died of her addiction when Our son was 14. She calls him our son because I adopted him after she passed away and I've been in his life since he was 8 and have been married to my husband, his father for 10 years. My son is now 21. That said, I no longer feel I need to participate with the X ray wife's family. I was cheerfully supportive to help maintain that bond for my son when he was young, but now he is fully grown and I do not believe he needs me to go anymore and even.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Looks for me to go.

[Caller]

The only person who seems to need me to go is my husband and it's out of character because for every event in our life we do what we need to do. But for this one I always feel extra pressure from him to go. I believe it is coming from the ex wife's family. I will be honest, I do not like them at all. I find them rude, pedantic and they tend to interrogate me when I go to their place. It's always uncomfortable. I went initially back in the beginning with an open heart and open arms, but was met with such doubt as if I were trying to replace their niece who was a train wreck addict. I tolerated as many condescending comments as I could for my son's benefit of keeping in touch with the bio family. But now that he is grown and he has his own relationship with them, do I need to keep knowing going? And how can I tell my husband.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That I do not want to go.

[Caller]

This or any other year?

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[Caller]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

I'm 52. We are both lawyers. I was in the military and an.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Then became a lawyer. Wow, what a smarty pants. So I married late in life, had no children of my own other than my now adopted son. Okay, an officer, a pilot and an attorney. And she doesn't know how to say, I'm sorry. Your people are not nice to me. Have a good time.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't want to go anymore. I was above and beyond the call of duty.

[Caller]

Going when he was a little itty bitty. He's not a little itty bitty.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I will not be mistreated anymore. First of all, I don't understand a.

[Caller]

Woman who was an officer, a pilot, and a lawyer allowing her husband.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

To get away with standing by when his.

[Caller]

Family is mean to you. I don't get that. That would have lasted 20 minutes with me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You are way too patient. Okay, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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