Parenting a Young Man vs. a Boy

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "Parenting a Young Man vs. a Boy"

Episode Details:

• Title: Parenting a Young Man vs. a Boy
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Release Date: May 13, 2025

In this engaging episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a common parenting challenge: transitioning from parenting a boy to parenting a young man. The episode features a call from Amy, a 54-year-old mother grappling with effectively communicating and setting expectations with her 17-year-old son.

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Amy’s Parenting Dilemma

Amy begins by outlining her family dynamics. At 54 years old, she has been married for 28 years and has three children—two of whom are independent adults. Her focus, however, is on her 17-year-old son, whom she describes as "a well-respected, well-adjusted kid" and "a happy kid." Despite these positive attributes, Amy expresses frustration over her attempts to adapt her parenting style to suit her son's growing maturity.

Notable Quote:

Amy [01:34]: "I keep trying to adapt to each kid and what's working for them. I don't think I'm getting it done with him in terms of what makes you think that. So I guess he gets very frustrated with me when I get frustrated with him."

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Dr. Laura’s Initial Response

Dr. Laura responds with a mix of humor and critique, questioning Amy’s frustration with her teenage son and prompting her to provide specific examples.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [02:25]: "Okay, you get frustrated with him. Woo hoo. Finally did it today. I've been waiting all day to do that. So give me an example of what you'd be frustrated with. I have no idea how any mother could find a 17-year-old boy frustrating."

This response underscores Dr. Laura's perspective that parental frustration often stems from mismatched expectations and outdated parenting strategies.

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Identifying the Root Cause: Setting Agendas

Amy elaborates on her approach to parenting, explaining that she often sets agendas or specific tasks for her son, especially during his school breaks. For instance, she might suggest activities he could engage in during spring break and assign him responsibilities like sending emails related to his interests or future plans.

Notable Quote:

Amy [04:11]: "Okay, semi juicy. If I suggest to him, you know, you're going to be off school this week for spring break and so these are just some things you could do while you have your free time, you need to send a couple of emails about XYZ because he's also."

Dr. Laura critiques this method, emphasizing that imposing agendas on a growing young man can be counterproductive. She argues that teenagers seek autonomy and may resist structured directives from parents.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [04:42]: "You have to stop doing that. He's a 17-year-old boy. Did I mention that? Managing your health can be difficult..."

Note: The advertisement segment follows immediately after this point.

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Implementing Effective Communication Strategies

Moving past the initial critique, Dr. Laura offers constructive advice on how Amy can better communicate and set expectations with her son. She advises against setting multiple agendas and instead recommends assigning specific, meaningful tasks that contribute to his personal growth and family responsibilities.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [06:12]: "You have to stop doing that. He's a 17-year-old boy... If there's something specific then I would get in his face and I would say, sweetie, I realize you're off next week and your mother is telling me..."

She suggests a strategy where Amy can assign a single task with clear parameters, thereby giving her son the autonomy to choose how and when to complete it. For example, asking him to weed a specific area on a particular day and allowing him to decide whether to do it in the morning or afternoon.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [06:48]: "He’s a stupid. You know, I'm getting bored repeating myself... So which part of the day would you like to do it in, morning or afternoon? I would pick one thing that I thought I really believed this was something he should be responsible for."

Amy appreciates this approach, noting that giving her son choices fosters cooperation and responsibility.

Notable Quote:

Amy [08:06]: "I like that the close-ended, it automatically gets him in agreement because he has to pick one or the other."

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Addressing Interruptions and Enhancing Mutual Respect

Amy raises a secondary issue regarding her son's tendency to interrupt her during conversations, especially when she is trying to address important matters. This interruption prevents her from effectively communicating her concerns and reinforcing expectations.

Notable Quote:

Amy [08:35]: "He will interrupt me, and then I feel like he's being, okay, give me an example."

Dr. Laura advises Amy to shift the dynamic from one of control to one of mutual respect. She emphasizes the importance of honoring her son's autonomy while maintaining clear expectations.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [09:40]: "You're still raising him, but you're still controlling him. I know you're a jerk and you won't do it... You're just trying to control a kid. Ain't working."

Instead of persistent reminders, Dr. Laura suggests that Amy should express trust in her son's ability to follow through and hold him accountable if he fails to meet his commitments.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [09:36]: "If it's something specific, then you can give him ideas about honor. You're just trying to control a kid. Ain't working."

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Conclusion: Transitioning to Mutual Respect and Responsibility

Throughout the conversation, Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of transitioning from parenting a boy to mentoring a young man. This involves fostering mutual respect, setting clear and meaningful expectations, and allowing the teenager to take ownership of his responsibilities.

By applying Dr. Laura’s strategies, Amy can improve her communication with her son, reduce mutual frustration, and support her son's growth into a responsible and autonomous young adult.

Final Notable Quote:

Dr. Laura [10:21]: "You're still raising him, but you're still controlling him... And then he's hearing word. He's hearing disappointment. That's very different. Dynamic isn't."

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This episode provides valuable insights for parents navigating the complexities of raising teenagers. Dr. Laura’s practical advice underscores the necessity of adapting parenting styles to respect the evolving autonomy of young men, fostering a healthier and more effective parent-child relationship.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Amy]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call. I really appreciate your wisdom, your perspective. So anxious to put this little dilemma in front of you. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Amy]

So I am 54. I've been married 28 years. I have three kids. Two of them are basically grown and flown working or once in grad school. And then I have a high schooler junior son who's 17 and he's a well respected, a well adjusted kid. He's a happy kid. If anything, maybe he's a little too happy. Go lucky. Which is one of his positives. But also I guess maybe what one of the things that's challenging for me as his mom is I keep trying to adapt to each kid and what's working for them. I don't think I'm getting it done with him in terms of what makes you think that. So I guess he gets very frustrated with me when I get frustrated with him.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, you get frustrated with him. Woo hoo. Finally did it today. I've been waiting all day to do that. So give me an example of what you'd be frustrated with. I have no idea how any mother could find a a 17 year old boy frustrating. Sorry, I was trying to keep a straight face. All right, tell me how he frustrates you. Go ahead.

[Amy]

Well probably any mom listening could list a long list of these things. The things about him in particular is that once I have an agenda of things I want to cover with him or I want him to do or I want him to respond to, it's not just the, you know, catch up, what happened today and so forth. A lot of times at dinner.

[Dr. Laura]

Give me one example. Clean from all the general descriptiveness. Give me an example. Okay, I'm already nervous with your agenda. 17 year old boys don't. Father don't follow mommy's agendas. Okay, they don't. So immediately you have set up something that doesn't work. He's growing into a man. Catering to mom is a little counterproductive. That's why at this age dads are usually a little more effective. So give me an example of your agenda. Point. Just one juicy one.

[Amy]

Oh, a juicy one. Oh goodness. Okay, I have some examples. I'm looking for the juiciest one.

[Dr. Laura]

That's okay. Semi juicy is alright.

[Amy]

Okay, semi juicy. If I suggest to him, you know, you're going to be off school this week for spring break and so these are just some things you could do while you're, while you have your free time, you need to send a couple of emails about XYZ because he's also.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh my God. If I was your daughter, I would have a fit over that. I'm closing in on my time off and my mother is telling me all the little petty things she wants me to do. Wrong approach. No, no.

[Amy]

Okay, no.

[Dr. Laura]

You have to stop doing that. He's a 17 year old boy. Did I mention that?

[Amy]

No.

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[Amy]

Well, he has no urgency to do anything I ask him to do.

[Dr. Laura]

He's a stupid. You know, I'm getting bored repeating myself. 17 year old boy. Your expectations, I think are not reasonable. If there's something specific then I would get in his face and I would say, sweetie, I realize you're off next week and going to want to have all kinds of fun and relax, but on Tuesday I would really appreciate if you dug up all the weeds in that 10 by 10 square. So which part of the day would you like to do it in, morning or afternoon? I would pick one thing that I thought I really believed this was something he should be responsible for. Good for his character, good for the family. And announce that you realize this is his time off and it's going to be great relaxing from all the school stuff. However, on Tuesday, I need you to do this. I want you to do this. I'm counting on you to do this. That's better. I'm counting on you to do this. Do you want to do it in the morning or the afternoon? And so his decision therefore is not. If it's when.

[Amy]

I like that the close ended, it automatically gets him in agreement because he has to pick one or the other.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, you pick it, sweetie. Tell you what hon, if you pick the morning, we can go out for pizza, for lunch. You know, enjoy your boy. He's almost gone.

[Amy]

I really do get that. Can I ask one other little dynamic that I'm trying to tweak?

[Dr. Laura]

Of course, but make sure I don't have to repeat that he's a 17 year old boy. Okay, go ahead.

[Amy]

Okay. This is probably more particular to him and you know, okay, go ahead. Likes things fun. He likes things light. And I'm just, I get it and I am that way. But when he hears me go down, when I start to Point something out. He will interrupt me, and then I feel like he's being, okay, give me an example.

[Dr. Laura]

Because I don't know what that means. So give me an example.

[Amy]

So this is the reason that I asked you to do it. I got it, Mom. I got it. Okay, okay, okay. And he keeps interrupting so I can never actually complete the thought.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay, stop. That was five or six stops. Come on. Okay. Tell me what you wanted to remind him and why.

[Amy]

It happens so many times. I could. Just tell me so many times.

[Dr. Laura]

But tell me what you mean. You assume he's going to fail you after you've said Tuesday morning or afternoon, you don't remind him, and you can say to him today, you know, sometimes I nag you about stuff. Not going to do that anymore. I'm going to respect you. I'm going to respect your word as man. You tell me you're going to do it. I'm not going to remind you. I'm going to respect your word. That's how you talk to a growing man. You give him ideas about honor. You're just trying to control a kid. Ain't working.

[Amy]

No, it's not.

[Dr. Laura]

You're still raising him, but you're still controlling him. I know you're a jerk and you won't do it. Mom, I'll do it. I know you're a jerk and you won't do it. You might as well be saying that. And then afterwards, if perchance, on one of these things that you've been direct about and only given him one at a time, please, he fails. Then you stand in front of him and say, honey, I'm really disappointed. I need you to be a man of your word. And you just stare at him. And he's hearing, man, he's hearing word. He's hearing disappointment. That's very different. Dynamic isn't.

[Amy]

Elevates it.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I know you can handle this. Call me back. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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