Saving My 39-year Marriage

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "Saving My 39-Year Marriage"

The Dr. Laura Podcast – February 5, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Featured Caller: Diane

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around Diane, a listener who has been married for 39 years and is now physically separated from her husband while they contemplate the future of their relationship. Diane candidly discusses the deep-rooted issues in her marriage—including communication style, intimacy differences, household responsibilities, and her husband’s marijuana use. Dr. Laura unpacks these challenges, offering pragmatic advice on mutual change, emotional intimacy, and the realities of longing for “what could have been.” The conversation is both compassionate and direct, providing listeners with relatable marital lessons and actionable steps.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Roots of Marital Separation (01:22 – 03:51)

• Diane gives background on her 39-year marriage: "We generally have a good friendship... but we have some real hurdles that we always need to get through."
• The couple recently decided to physically separate after ongoing struggles:
  • Husband's "impatience and kind of rough speaking"
  • Sexual incompatibility ("very vanilla" vs. partner's desire for more adventurous sex; husband seeking external partners)
  • Husband's heavy marijuana use
• Diane emphasizes she feels unheard, while her husband is frustrated by a lack of sexual and emotional nurturing.

Notable Quote:
“He’s been pursuing, trying to find some girl who has similar interests that he does... sort of kinky, aggressive sex. I found out about that… that became a problem.”
– Diane (02:34)

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2. Frustrations and Mutual Blame (03:53 – 05:06)

• Diane details her husband’s grievances:
  • Feeling unnurtured and unspecial
  • Perceiving Diane as a burden, despite her contributions in cleaning, managing the kids/grandkids, and other support roles
• They divided responsibilities, but each feels their efforts are undervalued.

Memorable Moment:
Dr. Laura seeks clarity:
“You said he did all the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning?” – Dr. Laura (04:49)
Diane clarifies the split in chores, highlighting mutual misperceptions.

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3. Diane’s Willingness (and Limitations) to Change (05:24 – 06:41)

• Diane articulates what she’d be willing to change if they reconciled:
  • “I would definitely pick up a lot in the kitchen...shop...do as much cooking as necessary for him to be well fed.”
  • She describes the challenge of tolerating her husband’s brusque conversational style due to his upbringing.
  • On his pursuit of sex with others: “That’s a big question. In order for me to go back, it would have to stop.”

Dr. Laura notes:
“You left out the sweet little nothings all day, every day to make him feel special.” – Dr. Laura (06:12)

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4. Emotional Intimacy and “Sweet Little Nothings” (07:41 – 08:29)

• Dr. Laura corrects Diane’s misconception that making a partner “feel special” requires expensive gestures:
  • “I don’t think he meant anything you had to spend money on.” (07:41)
  • She suggests heartfelt, thoughtful acts like notes or small tokens.
• Example: “I remember a couple that I knew a million years ago. Every day they would write each other notes. Every day for 30 years.” (Dr. Laura, 08:19)

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5. Navigating Sexual Needs and Therapy (08:29 – 09:55)

• Diane reveals that her husband sees her differently as the “wife and mother” and claims he only seeks adventurous sex outside the marriage.
• Dr. Laura encourages therapy:
  • “Perhaps the two of you could go to a sex therapist so he could get past the notion that to do kinky stuff, he has to go outside his marriage.” (Dr. Laura, 08:53)

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6. Making Change Possible—Or Not (09:22 – 10:59)

• Dr. Laura is pragmatic about reconciliation:
  • “If you’re willing to do your part and he’s willing to do his part, then, yeah, doable. But if only one of you does your part and the other doesn’t, that’s not workable.” (Dr. Laura, 09:28)
• Simply missing each other during separation is not enough for resolution:
  • “That you miss each other is not an omen that it’s going to be okay...” (Dr. Laura, 10:04)

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7. The Husband's "Lost Youth" and Regret (11:16 – 12:24)

• Diane explains her husband’s longing to make up for a lost past due to early commitment and career focus.
• Dr. Laura contextualizes this as a common mid-life reflection:
  • “Everybody looks back and says, oh my gosh... the people who were wild wish they hadn’t been wild, and the people who were not wild wish they had been wild... But if you go back, then you don’t have the things you have today. They think they’re going to have it both ways.” (Dr. Laura, 11:49)

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8. Dr. Laura’s Prescription: The Butterfly Effect (12:27 – 13:14)

• Dr. Laura prescribes a joint movie night watching The Butterfly Effect (2004):
  • “It’s about going back and changing things and what comes of it... Watch this with him or else.” (Dr. Laura, 12:27)

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9. Closing Reflection and Call to Action (13:14 – 13:57)

• Diane asserts, “Even though I haven’t been a very good cook, I’ve been a very good wife, I believe.” (13:14)
• Dr. Laura interjects: “Please don’t defend yourself with me. Just watch the movie with him, and then I’d really love if the two of you called me back together.” (Dr. Laura, 13:20)

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Most Memorable Quotes

On practical change:
“If only one of you does your part and the other doesn’t, that’s not workable.”
– Dr. Laura (09:29)

On nostalgia and regret:
“Everybody looks back and says, oh my gosh... the people who were wild wish they hadn’t been wild, and the people who were not wild wish they had been wild...”
– Dr. Laura (11:49)

On making a partner feel special:
“Surprising them with cute little things during the day—you know, one candy kiss with a note...”
– Dr. Laura (08:00s)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:22 – Diane describes the reasons for separation
• 03:53 – Diane explains her husband’s grievances
• 05:24 – Diane lists what she’d be willing to change
• 06:12 – Dr. Laura emphasizes small acts of emotional intimacy
• 07:41 – Dr. Laura clarifies what “making someone feel special” really means
• 08:53 – Dr. Laura suggests sex therapy
• 09:28 – Dr. Laura on the mutual effort needed for reconciliation
• 10:04 – Dr. Laura on when (or if) to return home
• 11:16 – Husband’s longing for lost opportunities
• 12:27 – Recommendation to watch The Butterfly Effect
• 13:20 – Dr. Laura asks for a follow-up call from both spouses

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Summary & Takeaways

• Shared marital challenges are rarely resolved by separation alone. Diane and her husband miss each other but must make active, mutual changes for reconciliation to work.
• Small, consistent gestures nurture relationships. Feeling cherished often stems from thoughtful, everyday acts.
• Resentment and regret are universal but must be balanced against present realities. Dr. Laura’s insights on nostalgia anchor the conversation in realism.
• Professional help can navigate sexual disconnects. Old narratives about what’s “appropriate” for a spouse may need challenging in therapy.
• Ultimately, both partners must commit to change – and stay vigilant to prevent backsliding. Dr. Laura’s refrain: one-sided effort is not enough.

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This episode serves as a candid, empathetic look at mature marriage’s biggest hurdles, with Dr. Laura’s signature blend of realism and hope. If you’re navigating a long-term partnership, these tough-love truths and practical strategies are both illuminating and comforting.

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Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day sponsored by Vibriant Super C Serum, my personal solution for smoother, more hydrated skin. Super C Serum is a full line of skin care products all in one bottle. Get 37 off plus free shipping by going to vibrance.com DrLora Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me [e-mail] Diane, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Yeah, hi, Dr. Laura, good afternoon. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you.

[Caller]

My husband and I have been married for 39 years. We generally have a good friendship. We generally get along. But we have some real sort of hurdles that we always need to get through. And I can enumerate those. But about three months ago, we both made the decision to like, physically separate. I got my own apartment and he's living in the house. And we've, we both are experiencing, I'm.

[Dr. Laura]

Sorry, what precipitated that? Explain to me.

[Caller]

Yeah, I'd be happy to. So my husband, I don't want to make it seem like I'm blaming him because he has problems with me, but from my point of view, my husband has always been very impatient and kind of rough speaking with me. And I've always found that very difficult. And he doesn't see it as a problem. So he really didn't have any incentive to change. So that's kind of an underlying issue that we've tried to work on even in counseling, but it really seems to be just not changeable. But the second thing is he has been very frustrated with me for two reasons. One is sexually, he considers me, quote, unquote, very vanilla and doesn't, you know, he doesn't like the idea of, quote, unquote, lovemaking. He wants something more exciting. So he's been pursuing, trying to find some girl who has similar, you know, interests that he does. You know, sort of kinky, aggressive sex. And so I found out about that. He, of course, admitted it, and so, of course, that became a problem. And then third of all, he is a really heavy user of marijuana. He smokes all day. He's trying to quit right now, but before I left, he was smoking all day. And I kind of figured it was clouding his judgment, and I didn't agree with it. I do not smoke myself. I'm really against it. And so those are the reasons that I. The second reason that the girls is the main reason why I told them we need to. I need to move out, and we need to kind of take six months, nine months to figure out what we really want. And. And yet both of us are kind of missing each other. We do talk, we do see each other, but I really think it's important for us to take this time. Are you interested in what he said about me, why he was frustrated with me?

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you mentioned the sex. If there's more, tell me.

[Caller]

That's the second reason too. He did not feel that. He didn't feel, quote, unquote, nurtured. He didn't feel like I surprised him with little things. I'm sure that it's in your book. I should talk, read the book. But like little surprises, little things to make him feel special. I really lacked in that department. And then third of all, he felt that I was a kind of a very big burden to take care of only because he was kind of managing the household in terms of finances and cooking and shopping, and I was doing other things to kind of maintain our lifestyle. But he felt it was a burden for me, for him to take care of me without getting anything in return, even though I've told him that I gave him plenty of return. I loved him, I supported him, I was faithful to him. But he didn't see that as particularly important, or he thought it might be important, but not enough.

[Dr. Laura]

You said he did all the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning.

[Caller]

So not cleaning, but shopping and cooking and finances. I did all the cleaning and finance and the kids and the grandkids.

[Dr. Laura]

Your grandkids live in your house?

[Caller]

No, no, no, no. But my daughter. I help my daughter out a lot during the week.

[Dr. Laura]

So based on. So ba woohoo. So based on his point of view, what are you going to change?

[Caller]

Well, If I did go back, this is what I would change. I would definitely pick up a lot in the kitchen. I would shop and I would do as much cooking as necessary for him to be well fed. I would try. I don't know if it's going to work out with him because he's so impatient, but maybe cook with him as well. Just take that on. Take that on much more. I would be less. I would try to be less reactive to his conversational style. It's just the way he was raised. His father was, you know, a real aggressive, tough guy and he's kind of like that too. I would have to ignore a lot of that was being without reacting. The women thing. That's a big question. I don't know what I would do with that. In order for me to go back, it would have to stop.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you left out the sweet little nothings all day, every day to make him feel special.

[Caller]

Yes, yes, yes. I would need to really put my thinking cap on what he really wanted. Does he want sweaters? Does he want surprise concerts? You know, I could definitely put a little bit more energy. I think I must have been taking him for granted, not realizing how important that was.

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[Dr. Laura]

I don't think he meant anything that you had to spend money on.

[Caller]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. Laura]

I think he meant little things like putting a note around his toothbrush. It says, I love you, you're cute. Silly stuff. It shows a person that you're thinking about them. Buying some tickets does not indicate you're thinking about them. Surprising them with cute little things during the day you know, one candy kiss with a note. I mean, I remember a couple that I knew a million years ago. Every day they would write each other notes. Every day for 30 years. Every day.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Because each wanted. Yeah. In terms of kinky, you want to experiment? I guess you can. If not, then you have to tell him that's the one thing that won't change.

[Caller]

Yeah, the kind of. Just let me say one sentence here. He does not want that kind of sex with me because I'm quote, unquote, his wife and the mother of his children and grandchildren, and he doesn't see me in that light.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, he wants extracurricular activity. Yes. Well, I guess he. On his list of what he's going to change, he would have to give that up. And perhaps the two of you could go to a sex therapist so he could get past the notion that to do kinky stuff, he has to go outside his marriage. And it's not that you two might just enjoy experimenting. So maybe a sex therapist could help with that part.

[Caller]

Got it. Got it. So does it seem doable from all this background?

[Dr. Laura]

Does it seem like if you're willing to do your part and he's willing to do his part, then, yeah, doable. But if only one of you does your part and the other doesn't, that's not workable. If the two of you do workable things and then stop doing these things, then we'll end up back here again. So nobody can tell you if this is going to work.

[Caller]

Yes. May I ask you something? Do you have any sense of how long I should give it before I return? Should I give it more time for us to kind of feel out what it's like being without.

[Dr. Laura]

You can't go back to each other until you both are indicated that you understand and you're willing to change the following things. You have to discuss that out. That you miss each other is not an omen, that it's going to be okay. You can't be with a person that many decades and not miss them. It doesn't mean you're willing to sacrifice the things that they need.

[Caller]

Yes, Very clear. Thank you so much. You've really made this make sense to me. I appreciate that. I'm certainly willing to. I think I need to do the things that he wants me to do for my own sort of growth. You know, I feel like I was a failure in those. In those ways. I was taking him for granted and wanting him to do things that I should really be doing. So I'm willing to Change. It's just a matter of what he is to meet me halfway.

[Dr. Laura]

But his drug use and probably will be a stumbling block. And his fantasies about other women becoming a sex stud out there. How old is he?

[Caller]

70. He feels that he missed that part of his life where he should have been experimenting and getting acknowledgement from, you know, girlfriends and other women when he was younger because he was in med school. So he needs. He's. He wants to kind of almost go back to that part of his life and repair it.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, then he would not have ended up with you and the children. You got to remind him of that.

[Caller]

Yes, he. I think he was. I think he felt pressure to go and live a traditional life.

[Dr. Laura]

We all look back and say, I haven't even looked back and say, I should have played more. I worked too hard. You know, that's. Everybody does that. Everybody looks back and says, oh, my gosh, the people who were wild wish they hadn't been wild, and the people who were not wild wish they had been wild, at least to some extent. I mean, that's just normal. But if you go back, then, you don't have the things you have today. They think they're going to have it both ways.

[Caller]

That would be nice for them.

[Dr. Laura]

It's not the real world. I'd like you to search if you have prime time or whatever the heck you have, I'd like you to search to watch a movie with him called the Butterfly Effect. It's about going back and changing things and what comes of it. The Butterfly Effect. I'm telling you, watch this with him or else.

[Caller]

Okay, all right.

[Dr. Laura]

It is a brilliant way to bring to his attention what happens if you go back and change things, even for the better.

[Caller]

I'll tell you, even though I haven't been a very good cook, I've been a very good wife, I believe.

[Dr. Laura]

Please don't defend yourself with me. Just watch the movie with him, and then I'd really love if the two of you called me back together. That would be seriously good. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Caller]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster? I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him. To bury my sweet nibbles after his untimely end. This is very strange, Angie.

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