Should I Connect with My Bio Dad?

Summary

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Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: “Should I Connect with My Bio Dad?”

Date: September 17, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Kat, 18

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Brief Overview

In this emotionally charged episode, Kat, an 18-year-old long-time listener, seeks Dr. Laura’s advice on whether and how to connect with her biological father and his new family. Kat shares a traumatic and complicated history involving her biological father's criminal behavior and troubling actions during her childhood. Dr. Laura guides Kat with her hallmark directness, emphasizing emotional safety, and challenges the notion of familial obligation in the face of serious wrongdoing.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Kat’s Background and Experience with Her Biological Father

• Early Childhood & Divorce (02:55)

  • Kat’s parents divorced when she was three due to her father’s addiction and more disturbingly, involvement with child pornography.
  • “So he chose drugs over you. And his wife, got it.” – Dr. Laura (03:26)
  • The divorce was finalized after her mother gave her bio dad an ultimatum; he refused to change.

• The Truth Behind the Divorce (03:30)

  • Kat reveals: “It was actually child pornography.” (03:30)
  • Dr. Laura pushes: “Has he molested any children, to the best of your knowledge?” (03:39)
  • No known molestation, but Kat acknowledges the gravity of his offenses.

• Custody and Childhood Events (04:19–06:34)

  • Despite knowing about her ex-husband’s serious problems, Kat’s mother allowed custody visits.
    • Dr. Laura: “Your mother permitted him to be alone with you?” (04:36)
  • Kat recounts a traumatic incident at age 6, where her biological father tried to forcibly remove her from Walmart, terrifying her.
    • “I was over his shoulder and he was carrying me out of Walmart against my will. And I was screaming and kicking…” – Kat (06:34)
    • Kat fought back and escaped; her mother did not call the police.
    • Dr. Laura notes: “She sure gave him a lot of leeway, didn’t she?” (07:11)
    • Kat agrees, underscoring her mother’s questionable decisions.

Additional Traumatic Incident (10:34–12:29)

• Kat describes a later event (about age 7-8), where her father barricaded her in a closet to prevent her from leaving with her mother. He called the police on her mom when she tried to retrieve Kat.
  • “He picked me up and took me to his master bedroom closet and sat in the doorway and he wouldn't let me out, basically barricading me…” – Kat (11:13)
• This behavior leads Kat to break from structured custody visits, and further interactions with her father become infrequent and limited.

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Kat’s Current Dilemma and Emotional Conflict

Struggles with Obligation and Guilt (12:39–14:24)

• Kat’s biological father now has five children. Kat feels torn between wanting to connect with her half-siblings to prevent them from feeling abandoned and her own pain.
  • “I've been feeling this obligation...I don't want them to feel abandoned or not wanted the way I have felt.” – Kat (12:53)

Dr. Laura’s Advice and Rationale

• Dr. Laura deconstructs Kat’s sense of loss and responsibility:
  • “When you say you were abandoned, the guy—there's something wrong with a guy who gets sexually excited about thinking about having sex with children. When you think of the qualities you want in a father, I doubt that's on the list.” (14:10)
• Dr. Laura stresses the importance of recognizing scars—emotional and physical—and not trying to “heal” them with further contact with the cause:
  • “This is a scar on your emotion. Don't try to make it be clear because you can't.” (14:36)
  • “Every time you think about him, you go, I remember how dangerous and destructive he was and how lucky I am that I have a good man for my dad and someday a good man for a husband and the father of my own kids. So consider him just a scar on your psyche and let it be.” (14:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kat’s courage and need for validation:

  • “I've listened to you as my mom for as long as I can remember and I just really value your expertise and experience.” – Kat (02:18)

• On gut instinct and trauma:

  • Dr. Laura: “You have to stop saying you don't know why. You have to stop that, okay? Because you do know why.” (06:21)
  • Kat: “I guess I was just—I could just sense something. I think. I just. I knew something was off…” (06:34)

• Dr. Laura’s core advice:

  • “Let it be. The scar is going to be there... And every time you think about him, you go, ‘I remember how dangerous and destructive he was and how lucky I am that I have a good man for my dad...’” (14:46)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Kat introduces her situation: 02:18
• Reveals child pornography as root of divorce: 03:30
• Recounts Walmart incident: 06:34
• Describes closet/barricading incident: 11:13
• Expresses feeling obligated to half-siblings: 12:53
• Dr. Laura gives direct advice about letting go: 14:10–14:46

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Summary: Dr. Laura’s Philosophy and Takeaway

Dr. Laura validates Kat’s pain and decisively advises against further involvement with her biological father or his new family. She argues that Kat has no obligation to connect, that doing so could risk her emotional well-being, and encourages Kat to appreciate the loving stepfather she has now. Dr. Laura frames Kat’s experience as a scar—permanent, but not defining—urging her to accept it and move forward with gratitude for the positive relationships she’s found.

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For listeners wrestling with similar situations: Dr. Laura’s advice is clear—prioritize your emotional safety, reevaluate misplaced obligations, and do not seek validation or healing through re-engagement with people who have caused you harm.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Kat]

Hi. First of all, I just want you to know I'm 18 and I've listened to you as my mom for as long as I can remember and I just really value your expertise and experience. So thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I that's kind of you, Kat. Thank you. So how can I help?

[Kat]

I'm calling because I need some advice on how involved I should be with my bio dad and his family.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You want to tell me? Yeah. Start from the beginning. Who created you? You read the whole background?

[Kat]

Yes, my mom and my bio dad. They were married, and then they divorced when I was three. And then.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And do you know. Do you know why they. Hold on. Do you know why they were divorced?

[Kat]

Yes. My. Our dad had a pretty serious addiction, and my mom just tried to work with him. They were married for 10 years, and she really tried, and it got to the point where she said, I'm gonna leave you if you don't quit. And he wouldn't quit, so.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So he chose drugs over you. And his wife got it.

[Kat]

It was. It was actually child pornography.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Child pornography?

[Kat]

Yes, it was child.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, he's a. He's. Has he molested any children, to the best of your knowledge?

[Kat]

Not that I know of.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you know, you get arrested in this country for having child porn.

[Kat]

I know. And stuff. That was. That was part of the agreement that he wouldn't fight for custody if my mom didn't report him. And she just wanted to keep me. She wanted to keep me for as much as she could.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So did she. Right. And so between 3 and 18, did you see him communicate with him?

[Kat]

Yes. Yes. So I didn't know about any of this, obviously. I was 3, and I had regular custody visits with him. Nothing sexual in nature ever happened between us. But there were.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Your mother. Your mother permitted him to be alone with you.

[Kat]

It was just custody agreements. And he.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Questioned your mother allow you to be alone with him? Yeah, well, that was a little dangerous. Risky. Okay.

[Kat]

Yeah. My mom got remarried when I was five, and her husband has really just been my father in every way. I love him dearly. And that's kind of my calling is because there's been some traumatic events that have gone on between me and my biological father. And.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry, what do you mean by traumatic events? What do you mean?

[Kat]

When I was six, I was. I don't know why, but I really didn't want to go on the custody visit. And my mom just tried to support me and all that, and so she took me to Walmart just to buy me a toy that I could take, that I could be excited to go. And anyways, we were checking out, and my bio dad walked in, and I just immediately told my mom, no, I'm not going. And she told him that. She said, abby doesn't. Or Cat doesn't want to go, and that was that. And he just kind of lingered in Walmart. And then after we checked out, my mom and I went to the customer service, and I remember trying to stay on the opposite side of the cart from him just because I don't know I had a feeling. I couldn't tell you why, but I. I was. And.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, Kat, you have to stop saying you don't know why. You have to stop that, okay? Because you do know why.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Because you do know why.

[Kat]

I guess I was just. I could just sense something. I think. I just. I knew something was off and. Anyways, I. I just wasn't paying attention and he came up and the next thing I remember, remember I was over a shoulder and he was carrying me out of Walmart against my will. And I was screaming and kicking, and then he finally put me down when I scratched him across the face. And then he left Walmart and didn't say anything.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Did your mother call the police?

[Kat]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She sure gave him a lot of leeway, didn't she?

[Kat]

Yeah.

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[Kat]

And then there was one more event that happened about a year and a half later. Would you like to hear about that?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Sure. But after this event, did you continue to go see him on visitation?

[Kat]

I didn't for a while. And then, and then I, I did. About, probably six to eight months later, I did again.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how did that go?

[Kat]

Well, I mean, it was fine until this next event went on. It was probably about a year and a half later and it was December, Christmas time. And there was some family at my mom's home that I wanted to say goodbye to before they left. And so I had a flip phone so I could keep in contact with my mom. And I called her and told her I wanted to come home. And she came to get me. And my bio dad said, do not go to the door. And I was scared, you know, I didn't know what extent she would go to. So I, I sat at the kitchen counter and listened to my mom knocking, yelling for him, you know, because she knew we were inside. And. And then I, A few minutes later, I got up to go to the door and he picked me up and took me to his master bedroom closet and sat in the doorway and he wouldn't let me out, basically barricading me in his home. And then he called the police on my mom. And then they got there and I was questioned a few times and the police decided to let me go with my mom. And then a few hours later, my battery dad showed up at my mom's home with the Police again wanting to take me back. And again they questioned me. And I stayed with my mom. And then it was probably a few years before I even saw him. So I never really followed the custody visits that way again. There were just a few times I'd go to dinner, but. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How are you hoping. How are you hoping I could help you today?

[Kat]

Well, I'm wondering. My biological father has five kids now and I'm just wondering if I like how involved I should be because I've been feeling this obligation to just to be in their lives because I. I don't want them to feel abandoned or not wanted the way I have felt. And I'm just wondering.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You feel abandoned and unwanted by a bum?

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Your mother made it. Let's look at this logically. You have a desire to have a dad. You have a dad, but you're 18, you're young, you're emotional, and you're looking at this and saying, I lost something. I'd like to get it back. I don't know what he's doing with his five kids. I don't know what kind of a person he has evolved to be. I seriously doubt it's any different. And some silly woman took him in. Gosh darn. Your mother realized that she made a terrible mistake, so she created you with the wrong man, got rid of him and got a good man to be your dad. I wish you would leave it there. When you say you were abandoned, the guy. There's something wrong with a guy who gets sexually excited about thinking about having sex with children. When you think of the qualities you want in a father, I doubt that's on the list.

[Kat]

I agree.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You have any scars on your body from a cut or a boo boo or you fell off a bike?

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Any scars? Okay.

[Kat]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This is a scar on your emotion. Don't try to make it be clear because you can't. The scar is going to be there on your arm or leg or wherever. Forever. Right? And every time you look at the scar, you go, I remember when I fell. And every time you think about him, you go, I remember how dangerous and destructive he was and how lucky I am that I have a good man for my dad and someday a good man for a husband and the father of my own kids. So consider him just a scar on your psyche and let it be. Let it be. Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLaura program.

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