Should I Help My Ill Ex?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Should I Help My Ill Ex?"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: Should I Help My Ill Ex?
• Release Date: March 26, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a caller grappling with complex relationship dynamics involving his long-term marriage and his wife’s overbearing friendship with an ex-girlfriend. The discussion delves deep into themes of personal responsibility, boundary setting, and the impact of past relationships on present marital harmony.

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Caller’s Dilemma

The caller initiates the conversation by explaining the strained relationship between him, his wife of 15 years, and her close friend—her ex. He expresses frustration over the friend's intrusive behavior, characterized by daily long phone calls that disrupt family time, such as dinners or movie nights.

• Caller: "I have been with my wife for about 15 years... This friend of hers... daily calls... sessions that last from 30 minutes or so... often come at a time when we're having dinner or trying to watch a movie." [00:48]

The caller perceives his wife’s inability to manage her phone interactions as a significant issue, feeling neglected and undervalued in his marriage due to her constant attentiveness to her friend.

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Dr. Laura’s Initial Response

Dr. Laura quickly identifies the core issue beyond mere phone management. She emphasizes that the problem stems from the friend’s disregard for the caller’s feelings and the lack of empathy from his wife.

• Dr. Laura: "Break. Take a break has nothing to do with phone management. She doesn't give a shit how you feel. She likes the feeling of taking care of that woman. This is worse than bad phone management." [02:31]

She asserts that the friend is self-serving and the wife prioritizes her friend over their marital relationship, highlighting a deeper emotional disconnect.

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Confronting the Issue

Encouraged by Dr. Laura, the caller recounts a confrontation he had with the friend, accusing her of using his wife for therapy. However, the friend’s defensive reaction only intensified the caller’s frustration.

• Caller: "I said I feel like you're using my wife... she got very offended, defensive." [03:37]
• Dr. Laura: "She was not willing to take any responsibility for her behavior because she didn't give a shit about you either." [04:05]

Dr. Laura critiques the caller’s approach, indicating that the friend’s reaction was predictable given her self-centered nature. She points out that the wife’s continued support of the friend exacerbates the caller’s feelings of neglect.

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Assessing the Marital Relationship

As the conversation progresses, Dr. Laura probes deeper into the caller’s marital history, uncovering that he and his wife had been separated for two years in the past due to unmet emotional needs.

• Dr. Laura: "Are you actually legally married to her?" [07:56]
• Caller: "Yes." [07:57]

She challenges the caller to reflect on his past decisions, questioning why he returned to a relationship that previously failed to meet his needs.

• Dr. Laura: "Do you understand what I'm saying? You knew those two years. You knew it was wrong, but you were too lazy to do something else. You took the easy way out and went back with her. And this is the price you pay." [12:28]

Dr. Laura emphasizes personal accountability, suggesting that the caller's reluctance to make tough decisions has prolonged his marital dissatisfaction.

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Advice on Moving Forward

Dr. Laura offers candid advice, urging the caller to confront his wife about her behavior and the detrimental impact of her friendship on their marriage. She encourages him to articulate his feelings clearly and assertively.

• Dr. Laura: "Why don't you just go home tonight and say, I don't think I want to live together much more with somebody who doesn't give a shit about me, who's defensive all the time when I talk about a hurt feeling or something." [10:48]

She warns that his wife may respond defensively, but underscores the importance of setting boundaries to preserve his well-being.

• Dr. Laura: "Seriously, don't do that until you're willing to pack your bag, because she will just get defensive and hostile." [15:00]

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Reflections on Personal Responsibility

Throughout the discussion, Dr. Laura reinforces the theme of personal responsibility. She criticizes the caller for not taking proactive steps to address his marital issues sooner and for allowing external relationships to undermine his primary partnership.

• Dr. Laura: "Nobody's perfect. What does that even mean? If somebody's bad, they're bad. We don't excuse it by saying, well, I know they're bad, but nobody's perfect. That means you're willing to take abuse and disrespect so far." [08:23]

She challenges the caller to reassess his priorities and take decisive action to reclaim his happiness and marital satisfaction.

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Conclusion

In concluding the episode, Dr. Laura leaves the caller with a stark reality check about the consequences of inaction and the necessity of making difficult choices to foster a healthy and respectful marital relationship. She emphasizes that enduring disrespect and neglect is untenable and encourages the caller to prioritize his emotional well-being over maintaining superficial harmony.

• Dr. Laura: "You don't need me for that. This is not the only instance... don't waste life. You don't get the time back because you made a mistake." [08:04]

The episode serves as a compelling exploration of boundary setting, the importance of mutual respect in marriage, and the courage required to address uncomfortable but essential issues within personal relationships.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura: "This is worse than bad phone management. This is not giving a shit about how you feel." [02:56]
• Dr. Laura: "You made a decision in this marriage. You made a mistake. Let's call it something benign. Call it phone management. Then it's not personal." [10:15]
• Dr. Laura: "You're willing to take abuse and disrespect so far. You've been doing that for many years." [08:29]
• Dr. Laura: "Relationships are very difficult. And that's why I wrote the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." [16:00]

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This episode provides valuable insights into managing complex marital relationships, emphasizing the need for clear communication, setting healthy boundaries, and taking personal responsibility for one's happiness and well-being.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Lauren, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. What can I help you with?

[Caller]

Okay, I have been with my wife for about 15 years. This is in regard to a very close friend of hers who's been a very good friend of hers for even longer than we've been together. The three of us have actually had what I thought was a very good friendship. And I think there's a situation that I guess I just kind of want to see if I would like to somehow tactfully salvage something that has come up. This.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller]

This friend of hers. Okay. I'm just gonna make it as brief as possible.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't make it brief. Make it clear. Take your time.

[Caller]

Okay, okay. Okay. The friend, in my opinion, I guess, is very clingy. There's been, for quite a while daily calls. Daily calls that are not just calls. They're sessions. It seems like that just last for, say, anywhere from 30 minutes or so. And it's, you know, it often comes at a time when they were having, you know, dinner or trying to watch a movie. And my wife doesn't have really good phone management, in my opinion. Just kind of picks up whenever, you know, whoever, whenever, no matter what. And we've, you know, kind of had to, you know, deal with that. Just trying to have some better phone management, but I. I don't.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, break. Take a break has nothing to do with phone management. She doesn't give a shit how you feel. She likes the feeling of taking care of that woman. This is worse than bad phone management. This is not giving a shit about how you feel.

[Caller]

Yeah, in a lot of ways, she's kind of this way, just, you know, life just Kind of like with the wind a lot of times with whatever, not thinking about, you know, it's. That, that is an issue. Just, you know, the consideration.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry about your choice, but that's not something you're going to get her to change. That's the woman you chose to marry, right?

[Caller]

Right. I, I had a conversation with the friend. I, I felt like, you know, I wanted to address this and I, I said I feel like you're using my wife. Your therapy? Yeah, she got very.

[Dr. Laura]

What did she say to that? What did she say to that?

[Caller]

Well, she, she. I'm trying to remember the conversation exactly how it went because I just remember.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, then take a breath, be quiet, Be quiet, Take a breath and go back in your memory because it's important to know how she handled you. Saying you're using my wife for therapy, you're interfering in our relationship. What did she do with that?

[Caller]

She was offended, defensive.

[Dr. Laura]

So she was not willing to take any responsibility for her behavior because she didn't give a shit about you either. And she knew that your wife didn't give a shit about you and that she had priority with your wife. This is worse than you thought. Listen, I know you're busy. You've got a lot on your plate. We all do. That's why Walmart subscriptions are such a game changer. They make it easy for you to get your groceries and essentials without the hassle of running around. Walmart subscriptions can help you stay stocked on the things you use most like paper towels, avocados, pet food, baby supplies, vitamins, candles, your favorite snacks. You know the essentials you can't live without. Plus, Walmart Fresh groceries are backed by a 100% free freshness guarantee. Walmart subscriptions are easy to use. Just choose the date and time for your go to items to be delivered on repeat right to your door. Of course, life is full of unexpected surprises. So if a last minute meeting or trip to the doctor comes up, simply edit your delivery schedule. Change the frequency of your subscriptions, skip or cancel anytime. Walmart's subscriptions are all about helping make your busy life a bit easier. Stay stocked with Walmart subscriptions. Welcome to your Walmart.

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[Caller]

Yeah, to make it worse, my wife got mad at me. Their friendship.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm not surprised. I could have told you their relationship will be there long after your historical vision. I think you're in the wrong place with the wrong person. And you know that's true. You don't need me for that.

[Caller]

Are you sure? This, this is. Well, I don't need to question you. It's. It's.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you can question me. Of course you should question me. Of course you should. But this isn't the first. This is not the only description of your wife. Are you actually legally married to her?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. This is not the only instance of your wife that you could use to prove me right.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

Then you're in the wrong place with the wrong person. And all I can tell you is don't waste life. You don't get the time back because you made a mistake.

[Caller]

Well, I mean, I know nobody's perfect and she.

[Dr. Laura]

What does not being perfect have to do with anything? That is a cop out. A bullshit cop out for not wanting to face realities and make changes. Nobody's perfect. What does that even mean? If somebody's bad, they're bad. We don't excuse it by saying, well, I know they're bad, but nobody's perfect. That Means you're willing to take abuse and disrespect so far. You've been doing that for many years. Everybody thinks abuse is when you beat on somebody. No, this is worse.

[Caller]

What would have been an appropriate way to handle this, do you think, for her to do? Just, I guess, manage, you know, just. Yeah, respect. We're having dinner.

[Dr. Laura]

I'll answer the question. You'll go to your wife, tell her exactly what I said, she'll blame it on you. Say I'm a piece of shit and call the girlfriend. I'll tell you exactly what will happen. She's not interested in changing. Because the first time you would have said, hey, sweetheart, we're eating dinner. You can call her like, oh, you're right. I'm sorry. What was I thinking? Let me turn the phone off. That's somebody who loves you.

[Caller]

Yeah. Instead of saying, now she doesn't feel comfortable to call here in the evenings.

[Dr. Laura]

Good.

[Caller]

You know, but your wife is pissed.

[Dr. Laura]

But your wife is pissed.

[Caller]

Yeah, I actually said, you know, I blame you for this. I mean, this is your lack of phone management that this girl should.

[Dr. Laura]

It's not phone management. Boy, why don't you try to sterilize a little more so you don't have to think. You made a decision in this marriage. You made a mistake. Let's call it something benign. Call phone management. Then it's not personal. Then I don't have to deal with what I'm doing with my life. We can take a class in phone management.

[Caller]

Oh, man. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. Me, if I had my will, if I could control the universe, which I'm not doing. But I'd say, I would tell you to go home to your wife tonight and say, I don't think I want to live together much more with somebody who doesn't give a shit about me, who's defensive all the time when I talk about a hurt feeling or something. I would like that is totally reasonable. Who? Somebody who's abusive with that blames me for stuff. I don't know, that I want to stay married like that. I don't know whether that's my dream of how a marriage should work. And then you can list the 10 other things that I know you could bring up to show her lack of real caring for you. So I don't know which one of your parents was very difficult, but you worked too hard in a bad situation. That usually has something to do with early childhood development.

[Caller]

Yeah, actually. We were actually broken up for two years, many years ago, and I was wrecked. I mean, I Tried to move on and everything. And I knew that this, you know, that I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship, and I stepped away and, you know.

[Dr. Laura]

How old are you? How old are you? How old are you? 58. 58. Okay. At what age do you think you'll start getting infirm with diseases and arthritis and stupid stuff? At what age do you think you're going to start really feeling that stuff? Give me a number.

[Caller]

Oh, probably. Maybe, I don't know, what, 80s, late 70s? I mean, I don't feel anything.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So you have 22 years and you want to waste them here and then be too sick to move on to anything. And you're being very optimistic of not feeling aches or pains or have problems till you're 80. That's not very typical.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you understand what I'm saying? You knew those two years. You knew it was wrong, but you were too lazy to do something else. You took the easy way out and went back with her. And this is the price you pay.

[Caller]

I thought after two years, you know, your brain kind of forgets about someone and just, you know. I guess a lot of people do, but I. I was struggling with it very.

[Dr. Laura]

Only because they're too lazy to move on and do something and be uncomfortable.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Not that their brains can't. Ma'am, you didn't try anything. If you had called me, then I could have helped you.

[Caller]

Okay. Regarding this. Regarding this friend quote, I guess. I don't know.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm done. I'm done.

[Caller]

I don't know.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm done.

[Caller]

All right.

[Dr. Laura]

There's nothing more I can do for you. You keep thinking it's phone management. That way you can just continue to be miserable.

[Caller]

I know it's deeper than that. Yes. Okay. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

So why don't you just go home tonight and say, I thought it was phone management, but you're just abusive and discounting of me. That's what it is. It's not phone management. You're discounting me and being abusive to me. We broke up for two years for a good reason. And I was too lazy and too weak to make a life. You're not going to do this, but I would just throw that in. But don't do that unless you're willing to pack your bag.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

Seriously, don't do that until. Unless you're willing to pack your bag, because she will just get defensive and hostile, because that's what that personality does.

[Caller]

I get stuck with feeling like I need to be understood or something. Or else there's no voice she doesn't.

[Dr. Laura]

Give a shit to understand. That's done by somebody who cares.

[Caller]

Good point. Really good.

[Dr. Laura]

You're missing the whole point here. Let's go back. Let's go Back to phone Ms.

[Caller]

Manage.

[Dr. Laura]

You're better at that.

[Caller]

Yeah. I mean, it's all terrible. That would have been easier. But I guess this is a pretty common theme with people. They'll be like, the tappings have been. Oh, but they're so. They generous with this or, you know, I don't know. I have a partner, you know, or whatever. I know. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Relationships are very difficult. And that's why I wrote the book the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. One of the things I put on the back cover is you should wake up every morning, look to the. Before you pee or brush your teeth, look at your spouse and think about what you could do to make them happy they're alive and married to you. There's not one day she wakes up and does that.

[Caller]

That's verbalized.

[Dr. Laura]

That's a verbalize. Not the same thing as doing, is it?

[Caller]

No. Wow.

[Dr. Laura]

Tell me you disagree with anything I'm saying. If you disagree, tell me.

[Caller]

I. You speak the truth. I know that you speak the truth. No bs.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, then. Then why don't you live it? Live the truth?

[Caller]

Yeah. I don't have to define, you know, what's my reality by what other people, you know, irrationally are thinking or creating or whatever.

[Dr. Laura]

I have no idea what you just said. It sounded pithy.

[Caller]

Yeah. I don't have to define my reality. I know.

[Dr. Laura]

You don't have to define reality. All you have to do is open your eyelids. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media. On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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