Podcast Summary: "Should I Help My Ill Ex?"
Podcast Information:
- Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
- Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
- Episode: Should I Help My Ill Ex?
- Release Date: March 26, 2025
Introduction
In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a caller grappling with complex relationship dynamics involving his long-term marriage and his wife’s overbearing friendship with an ex-girlfriend. The discussion delves deep into themes of personal responsibility, boundary setting, and the impact of past relationships on present marital harmony.
Caller’s Dilemma
The caller initiates the conversation by explaining the strained relationship between him, his wife of 15 years, and her close friend—her ex. He expresses frustration over the friend's intrusive behavior, characterized by daily long phone calls that disrupt family time, such as dinners or movie nights.
- Caller: "I have been with my wife for about 15 years... This friend of hers... daily calls... sessions that last from 30 minutes or so... often come at a time when we're having dinner or trying to watch a movie." [00:48]
The caller perceives his wife’s inability to manage her phone interactions as a significant issue, feeling neglected and undervalued in his marriage due to her constant attentiveness to her friend.
Dr. Laura’s Initial Response
Dr. Laura quickly identifies the core issue beyond mere phone management. She emphasizes that the problem stems from the friend’s disregard for the caller’s feelings and the lack of empathy from his wife.
- Dr. Laura: "Break. Take a break has nothing to do with phone management. She doesn't give a shit how you feel. She likes the feeling of taking care of that woman. This is worse than bad phone management." [02:31]
She asserts that the friend is self-serving and the wife prioritizes her friend over their marital relationship, highlighting a deeper emotional disconnect.
Confronting the Issue
Encouraged by Dr. Laura, the caller recounts a confrontation he had with the friend, accusing her of using his wife for therapy. However, the friend’s defensive reaction only intensified the caller’s frustration.
- Caller: "I said I feel like you're using my wife... she got very offended, defensive." [03:37]
- Dr. Laura: "She was not willing to take any responsibility for her behavior because she didn't give a shit about you either." [04:05]
Dr. Laura critiques the caller’s approach, indicating that the friend’s reaction was predictable given her self-centered nature. She points out that the wife’s continued support of the friend exacerbates the caller’s feelings of neglect.
Assessing the Marital Relationship
As the conversation progresses, Dr. Laura probes deeper into the caller’s marital history, uncovering that he and his wife had been separated for two years in the past due to unmet emotional needs.
- Dr. Laura: "Are you actually legally married to her?" [07:56]
- Caller: "Yes." [07:57]
She challenges the caller to reflect on his past decisions, questioning why he returned to a relationship that previously failed to meet his needs.
- Dr. Laura: "Do you understand what I'm saying? You knew those two years. You knew it was wrong, but you were too lazy to do something else. You took the easy way out and went back with her. And this is the price you pay." [12:28]
Dr. Laura emphasizes personal accountability, suggesting that the caller's reluctance to make tough decisions has prolonged his marital dissatisfaction.
Advice on Moving Forward
Dr. Laura offers candid advice, urging the caller to confront his wife about her behavior and the detrimental impact of her friendship on their marriage. She encourages him to articulate his feelings clearly and assertively.
- Dr. Laura: "Why don't you just go home tonight and say, I don't think I want to live together much more with somebody who doesn't give a shit about me, who's defensive all the time when I talk about a hurt feeling or something." [10:48]
She warns that his wife may respond defensively, but underscores the importance of setting boundaries to preserve his well-being.
- Dr. Laura: "Seriously, don't do that until you're willing to pack your bag, because she will just get defensive and hostile." [15:00]
Reflections on Personal Responsibility
Throughout the discussion, Dr. Laura reinforces the theme of personal responsibility. She criticizes the caller for not taking proactive steps to address his marital issues sooner and for allowing external relationships to undermine his primary partnership.
- Dr. Laura: "Nobody's perfect. What does that even mean? If somebody's bad, they're bad. We don't excuse it by saying, well, I know they're bad, but nobody's perfect. That means you're willing to take abuse and disrespect so far." [08:23]
She challenges the caller to reassess his priorities and take decisive action to reclaim his happiness and marital satisfaction.
Conclusion
In concluding the episode, Dr. Laura leaves the caller with a stark reality check about the consequences of inaction and the necessity of making difficult choices to foster a healthy and respectful marital relationship. She emphasizes that enduring disrespect and neglect is untenable and encourages the caller to prioritize his emotional well-being over maintaining superficial harmony.
- Dr. Laura: "You don't need me for that. This is not the only instance... don't waste life. You don't get the time back because you made a mistake." [08:04]
The episode serves as a compelling exploration of boundary setting, the importance of mutual respect in marriage, and the courage required to address uncomfortable but essential issues within personal relationships.
Notable Quotes:
- Dr. Laura: "This is worse than bad phone management. This is not giving a shit about how you feel." [02:56]
- Dr. Laura: "You made a decision in this marriage. You made a mistake. Let's call it something benign. Call it phone management. Then it's not personal." [10:15]
- Dr. Laura: "You're willing to take abuse and disrespect so far. You've been doing that for many years." [08:29]
- Dr. Laura: "Relationships are very difficult. And that's why I wrote the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." [16:00]
This episode provides valuable insights into managing complex marital relationships, emphasizing the need for clear communication, setting healthy boundaries, and taking personal responsibility for one's happiness and well-being.