Jamie Syer (3:02)

How would the marriage suffer?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:04)

You need to be a little more.

Jamie Syer (3:05)

Descriptive please, of what it is you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:08)

Were doing or not doing.

Caller Kevin (3:10)

Yep, it's come to an end now. It's been a year and a half and have to adjust to that. It's very difficult.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:17)

But what did you do that hurt your marriage?

Caller Kevin (3:22)

I was inconsistent. I was angry. I was. I kind of lost myself. I was not healthy enough to. To properly be a part of it. And I take that on. Absolutely. And now afterward, knowing, knowing all of, you know, the ins and outs of where it came to be and, and being better informed now about how to deal with it, I feel very. Still feel very lost. And I was wondering if you have any experience. Right.

Jamie Syer (4:11)

Tell me what you're supposed to do.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:15)

To take control over it or deal with it. Tell me what you're supposed to do.

Caller Kevin (4:24)

I would say take more responsibility and I would say try harder. But the amount I've tried to shift and learn and be better has been far harder than I ever imagined. And I'm not averse to difficulty, but it feels like I'm starting over.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:51)

You are. You are. And that's okay. Because the alternative is to just keep going downhill.

Jamie Syer (5:03)

Yeah.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:03)

Second chances are really good.

Caller Kevin (5:07)

Yeah.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:07)

You know, it's like a person who's been a drunk and now they're sober and have to figure out how to do sober. It's difficult and it takes time and.

Jamie Syer (5:18)

You usually need some support.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:20)

And that's where a counselor does come in. A good one.

Caller Kevin (5:25)

Right.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:26)

Or in your situation with what you're saying. A group therapy situation.

Jamie Syer (5:32)

Not like the ones they show in.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:34)

Movies where everybody's mean and nuts, but a really good group situation where people are supportive of each other because then you learn interaction.

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Jamie Syer (6:49)

When you.

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Dr. Laura Schlessinger (8:25)

So these are the tools and I know it's hard to be patient when you want things just to be better.

Caller Kevin (8:34)

But they happen slowly and as well. I'm having a lot of struggle developing inner strength.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (8:45)

Sweetheart, all these things you're talking about are real. You've been right on the mark and all the things that you've been saying are difficult. I agree with you. They all are. It's very difficult. And your alternative is not good.

Caller Kevin (9:05)

That's what scares me.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (9:06)

Facing what's well, yeah, facing what's difficult is a challenge. And you know how we feel when we accomplish a challenge. We feel good. So I rarely say this, but I'd like you to keep what people call a journal. The effort you've put in and has there been a payoff? And then when you have a mopey day, you take out the journal, you go backwards in it and you go, oh man, I don't do that anymore. That's progress. When you're living in it every day and don't have a comparison, it's hard to think anything positive is happening. So I'd like you to keep a journal and be totally honest. In the journal, I find this scary. Today I found that scary. Today I found that annoying Today. I found that difficult today. And then a week later look back and say, well, you know, I don't find that scary anymore because I've faced it so many times. It's not scary. You need to see your progress or you are going to be real negative in an ongoing way.

Caller Kevin (10:24)

Yeah, I can hear that. What are your thoughts on how to face grief, sadness and loss?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:35)

I get up the next day and take care of things I have to take care of. Responsibilities don't go away because we're sad. And frankly, responsibilities save us from just sitting there in sadness.

Caller Kevin (10:51)

Yeah. And you suggest that the sadness and the grief is just something to hold and go through. Or do you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:01)

You don't hold it, you feel it and you take responsibility for the next day. You've heard that soldiers in war can get shot in the leg. They don't even know they've been shot because they're running forward and taking care of business. And then when all the action stops, they sit down and go, ouch.

Caller Kevin (11:25)

Yes.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:27)

That's the way our nervous system works psychologically also, while there's pain of loss and you accomplish something in spite of that, it's only when you sit and think, oh, my God, that all the ugly stuff comes back up. You can't get away from the ugly stuff. And if you really do have these diagnoses, then combined with your early childhood experiences and your adult experiences, you formed a way of looking at yourself in the world. Now that has to change.

Jamie Syer (12:05)

From avoidance.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:07)

And fear to taking on challenges and giving yourself some perks.

Caller Kevin (12:18)

That's well said. Thank you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:21)

If you're not nicer to yourself, this will all just suck.

Caller Kevin (12:26)

Oh, that's a. I have to admit, that's the hardest part is the.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:32)

Yeah, but it gets easier once you learn and make it a habit. Everything that's difficult gets easier as you practice it. Everything. Even emotional stuff.

Caller Kevin (12:53)

How do you suggest people work to make inroads back to those they've hurt?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:05)

You have to be successful in your own person. And people have to see that. You can't convince them of anything. They have to see it.

Caller Kevin (13:24)

Of course. Yes. And then.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:27)

So the more you pick yourself up and move forward, the more they see positive things.

Caller Kevin (13:35)

And then ask or wait.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:39)

Sorry.

Caller Kevin (13:41)

And then do you suggest people ask or wait and let them decide.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:47)

Let them decide. Otherwise they feel pressured. You can say things like, these are the things I've learned. These are the things I'm working on. My best dream is that you'll be patient and see how I progress. That is an Invitation, Not a command or a demand.

Caller Kevin (14:08)

That's what I was going to ask.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:09)

People are better with invitations.

Caller Kevin (14:12)

Yeah. Make an offer and allow them to decide.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:19)

You're asking all the right questions, dear.

Caller Kevin (14:23)

Thanks. It's the answer. Time. The patience part I've developed, it's the pain and the quiet moments. And not for myself, but for what I've caused to those that I care about.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (14:49)

Everybody has to go through their own stuff. So whoever you hurt, they have to go through their own stuff. You can't just go back and hit that with a magic wand.

Jamie Syer (15:01)

So we don't really know how it's.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:02)

All going to turn out, but the more we say to ourselves, the best.

Jamie Syer (15:09)

Chance I have for this to come back together.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:14)

Is for me to do a lot of hard work right now and stop whining about things being difficult. Where you're on a mission now?

Caller Kevin (15:26)

Yes. Where do you suggest the balance is between what I do want for myself and my life and as well as still, like, letting go of expectation.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:42)

That's. You're just. Right now that you're just. You stuck your foot in it. Come on. Now you're making it harder. That was an expectation, huh?

Caller Kevin (15:55)

Okay, I see what you're saying.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:58)

You just stuck your feet in glue.

Caller Kevin (16:01)

Mm.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:03)

Mm. You're overthinking now.

Caller Kevin (16:07)

Yeah. That's a tendency for sure.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:10)

Yeah. Yeah. Worry is about overthinking. Anxiety is overthinking. Instead of doing. We're going over it. About how scary it is. Yeah. Come on.

Caller Kevin (16:28)

Right.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:31)

The road you're on is very difficult. I hope you'll call in from time to time for me to maybe help a little bit here and there.

Caller Kevin (16:41)

Indeed. Thanks so much for the input.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:44)

You're very welcome. Call me back. I hope you will.

Jamie Syer (16:47)

That was. That was serious.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:52)

Beautiful and painful. There's something beautiful when people are looking deep within themselves, wanting to be better, not quite sure how to get through all the levels to get to the top. There's something beautiful in the human spirit in wishing that to be. I admire that in people. My number 1-800-375-2872.

Jamie Syer (17:21)

If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast, of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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