The Long-term Problems of Improper Parenting

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Long-term Problems of Improper Parenting"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Episode: The Long-term Problems of Improper Parenting
• Release Date: August 7, 2025

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Introduction

In this insightful episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the complex and emotionally charged issues surrounding improper parenting and its long-term effects. The episode delves deep into a caller's struggles with managing her relationship with her adult daughter, highlighting the challenges of overparenting and the ensuing familial tensions.

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Caller’s Dilemma

Susan's Story [00:38 - 12:47]:

Susan, a devoted mother married to her husband, reaches out seeking guidance on her strained relationship with her 38-year-old daughter. She shares feelings of regret and disappointment, attributing her daughter's current struggles to over-coddling during her upbringing.

• Overinvestment in Parenting: Susan admits, "I probably put more energy into her than my younger daughter" (03:15).

• Issues Faced by Daughter: Her daughter has battled academic difficulties, friendship problems, and mental health challenges, including anxiety and depression, necessitating psychiatric intervention.

• Recent Family Conflict: Susan recounts a recent incident where her daughter allegedly lied about having COVID-19 to avoid a planned family dinner, further fracturing the already fragmented family dynamic.

• Struggle with Setting Boundaries: Despite recognizing the need to set boundaries, Susan expresses hesitation, stating, "I have, I'm a nice person. I've always been, you know, I've always been, I'm too nice" (04:40).

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Dr. Laura’s Analysis and Advice

Identifying the Core Issues [04:38 - 12:47]:

Dr. Laura skillfully navigates Susan's predicament by first challenging her self-perception of niceness, prompting Susan to reassess whether she has been too accommodating at the expense of establishing necessary boundaries.

• Confronting Niceness: Dr. Laura asks, "What do you mean nicely?" (04:38), leading Susan to acknowledge her fear of hurting her daughter's feelings as a barrier to enforcing boundaries.

• Impact of Coddling: Highlighting the consequences of overparenting, Dr. Laura points out, "You need to take your appropriate role as a mother" (12:01), emphasizing the importance of parental accountability.

• Marital Dynamics: Dr. Laura inquires about Susan's husband's role, suggesting that his support is crucial in implementing changes. She advises, "Maybe you ought to do that now" (11:34), referring to seeking professional counseling.

Recommendations:

1. Seek Professional Counseling: Dr. Laura recommends that Susan and her husband attend counseling together to develop a unified approach to parenting and boundary-setting.

2. Collaborative Decision-Making: She advises Susan to let her husband take the lead in communicating with their daughter regarding the cessation of family dinners, thereby reducing the emotional burden on herself.

3. Establishing Firm Boundaries: By stating, "She's not so fragile that she can't play games with us" (12:01), Dr. Laura encourages Susan to set clear and consistent boundaries to prevent manipulative behaviors.

4. Supporting Husband's Authority: Dr. Laura underscores the importance of supporting her husband's decisions, fostering a collaborative environment for effective parenting.

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Key Takeaways

• Overparenting Consequences: Excessive coddling can lead to adult children feeling entitled, manipulative, and deceitful, ultimately straining familial relationships.

• Importance of Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is essential for healthy parent-child relationships, especially as children reach adulthood.

• Unified Parental Front: Collaboration between parents is crucial in enforcing boundaries and addressing behavioral issues, ensuring consistency and reducing parental guilt.

• Seeking Professional Help: Engaging with counselors or therapists can provide parents with the tools and strategies needed to navigate complex family dynamics effectively.

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Notable Quotes

• Susan on Her Parenting Approach:
  "I've always been, you know, I've always been, I'm too nice. I've let. She's walked over me."
  (04:40)

• Dr. Laura on Setting Boundaries:
  "You need to take your appropriate role as a mother."
  (12:01)

• Dr. Laura on Collaborative Decision-Making:
  "Maybe you ought to do that now."
  (11:34)

• Susan Reflecting on Past Decisions:
  "Well, in hindsight, no, I don't think he was stupid. He was absolutely right."
  (10:05)

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Conclusion

This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the delicate balance required in parenting, especially as children transition into adulthood. Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers compassionate yet firm advice, guiding listeners like Susan to recognize the pitfalls of overparenting and the necessity of establishing healthy boundaries. Through professional counseling and a unified parental approach, families can navigate conflicts and foster more respectful and honest relationships.

Transcript

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[Podcast Host]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Susan, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're welcome.

[Caller]

I, I'm. Because I have a daughter. I have two daughters and one is, my oldest daughter is 38. My youngest is 34. And my oldest daughter, it has always been kind of the daughter that's been a struggle to me and my husband and I have coddled her her whole life. I admit, I admit that she's had trouble in school, she's had trouble with friends. So, you know, I, I kind of feel bad because I probably put more energy into her than my younger daughter. And here it is, the end. You know, she's 38 now and I realized what, what a disappointment she has become and I'm trying to take ownership of my piece of it and I, she's just done something to our family yesterday that was pretty devastating to me and I've caught her in numerous lives, manipulations and one more of lying manipulation yesterday regarding a family dinner that we were supposed to have last night and she lied to me and I'm sorry.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You want to tell me more about what the lie was about? I don't know what you're talking about yet.

[Caller]

I, I would love to tell you I was going to have a family dinner last night because she feels like an outcast in our family. She had an affair. I forgot to tell you that too. She had an affair, a seven month affair with a man that she was hoping to leave her husband for. She has two children. So this happened in 21. And we're all kind of reeling from all that too. So our, our family's been very fragmented. So I thought okay, let's have a family dinner. And because she's been trying to get that organized. So last night I said okay to that and then she, I get the food, prepare the food and she was going to come over and bring her daughter but then she, she tells her children. But then she, it. Oh, the family dinner. I'm sorry. It was supposed to Be tonight. But then she tells me last night at a quarter to eight that she had Covid. And I said, well, when did you find out about this Covid? And she said just today. But we caught her in a lie because she found out about it Sunday and. Oh, let me back up, I'm so sorry. She had her daughter spend the night at my daughter's other daughter's house. And so she brought, I mean potentially bringing covet over to that house too. And she was going to, she, she wasn't going to tell me the truth. She was going to try to manipulate me and lie to me about her not having covet and make light of it and want to still have the family dinner. So when I canceled it all, I canceled her. All she could say to me was, when are we going to have the family dinner? When are we going to have the family dinner? Well, I don't want to ever have any more family dinners, to be honest, until she gets, you know, until she gets take some responsibility in her actions because she's very selfish and manipulative. So I'm trying to find. This is my question. How do I nicely tell her? Because I have, I'm a nice person. I've always, you know, I've always been, I'm too nice. I've let. She's walked over me. So how do I tell her nicely that like today she didn't call me up to apologize about this lie we caught her in or anything. So she'll just call me, she'll just text me in a few days, want to know when the family dinner will be. And I just want to say to her, you know, I don't. There will be no more family dinners. So that's my question. How do I nicely tell her that?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What do you mean nicely?

[Caller]

Okay, well, I'm just trying. I see. I guess maybe I shouldn't be saying it nicely. I should be saying it honestly. I guess honestly is the right word. And I told you I'm too nice. And I'm always afraid of hurting people.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What does too nice mean?

[Podcast Host]

You're phony.

[Caller]

Well, probably. And probably afraid of hurting her feelings. Yeah, yeah, I'll agree with that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And what's the worst thing about hurting her feelings?

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[Caller]

Because I feel she's so fragile. She makes you know she's.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So what's going to happen if you hurt her feelings by saying no more dinners? What's going to happen? She's so fragile. What's going to happen?

[Caller]

Well, I'm sure nothing. But in my mind I. I will feel guilty and that's my problem. But she's gonna have all over the.

[Podcast Host]

Place is she's fragile or you feel guilty, which is it?

[Caller]

She's not. I mean, I feel she's fragile, but she's. She comes off, it's fragile. Like the last thing she texted me last night is, I'm so anxious and scared. So you know that's what I'm talking about. She puts guilt on me. About that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Are you married to her dad?

[Caller]

Yes, I am.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Doesn't your husband put a break on your mouth and your niceness?

[Caller]

On my mouth?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah. Is he a wuss, too?

[Caller]

Maybe so. Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

I don't know what to do with.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Maybe so he helped you all these years as a parent. Has he stood by and let you be too nice? Has he ever argued with you? Do you not listen to him? When he tells you you ought not say or do something, you dismiss him. I mean, how does this work? What's his say in all of this for 30, 40 years?

[Caller]

Well, he. When she was younger, he did it. He did feel that I was. I was coddling her too much and.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And you dismissed him because you wanted to be the favorite mommy. Well, you didn't listen to your husband. You didn't listen to your husband. Why? You think he was stupid?

[Caller]

Well, in hindsight, no, I don't think he was stupid. He was absolutely right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

No, I don't mean in hindsight. I mean, at the time he told you you were coddling and you dismissed him because.

[Caller]

Well, once again, I was. I always felt like she was a fragile child and she had. You know, I was taking care of the psychiatrist for anxiety, depression and on medicines and struggling in school. So that's why. That's why.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And the psychiatrist. Psychiatrist. Therapist told you to coddle her?

[Caller]

No. No.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What did they tell you?

[Caller]

They just prescribed medicine for anxiety and depression.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You never talked to them about how to parent a kid going through some of this?

[Caller]

Yeah, we did, but I guess it wasn't about the parenting aspect. It was more on her anxiety and depression. But. So, no, neither you and your husband.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Never asked for support or input how to parent?

[Caller]

No. No.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay.

[Caller]

Didn't.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Well, maybe. Maybe you ought to do that now.

[Caller]

Ask a counselor. Is that what you mean?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah. I think you and your husband need to go to a counselor together so that you can take your appropriate role as a mother.

[Caller]

Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

As opposed to the coddler who's so afraid.

[Caller]

Right. You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You need some help and you need to work with your husband on this. And if any immediate changes are going to be made before you get counseling, let your husband handle them. Say, honey, I don't want to do these dinners because she plays games with us. She's not so fragile that she can't play games with us. I think you need to handle this because I don't seem to be able to at this time.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Let him do it.

[Caller]

Okay, I will. I will.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And back him up.

[Caller]

Okay. That's what I'm going to do.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So you're kind of off the hook now. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. My number, 1-800-375-2872.

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