We Don't Want to Lose This Son Too

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: We Don't Want to Lose This Son Too
Date: January 5, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Featured Callers: Joe and Stephanie

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Main Theme and Purpose

This episode centers on Joe and Stephanie, a couple grappling with their middle son’s long-term alcoholism and the family’s ongoing trauma after losing their eldest son to suicide. They seek Dr. Laura’s advice on whether to re-engage with their troubled son after a recent breakup with his long-time partner, and how to cope with the difficult emotions tied to their family’s painful history.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Background and The Problem at Hand

• Joe and Stephanie have been married for 47 years and have four children. Their eldest son died by suicide; their second son has been struggling with alcoholism for over two decades.
• Their alcoholic son recently separated from his partner of 10 years (engaged for 8), who reached out to the parents asking them to reconnect, claiming he is sober.
• Joe and Stephanie haven’t had contact with this son for a year and a half, having set a boundary that they’d only resume contact if he was sober for a year.

Notable quote:

• Dr. Laura: "So he's a drunk. And—" (03:07)
• Stephanie: "She just mentioned that they are separate—" (04:17)

2. Evaluating the Ex’s Motives

• Upon reviewing the partner's text message, Dr. Laura notes skepticism about the son's reported sobriety.
• Dr. Laura urges the parents to verify the claim and cautions them about being manipulated into resuming a destructive relationship.

Notable quote (to Stephanie, on the ex’s text):

• Dr. Laura: "You need more information. What's her proof that he's been clean and sober for a year? Ask her that." (05:16)
• Stephanie: "Oh, zero. He's not been. He has not been sober for a year." (05:24)
• Dr. Laura: "There's nothing. You're back to where you were. Just get on with your lives ... I don't put a lot of energy into this one." (05:29)

3. Firm and Compassionate Boundaries

• Dr. Laura strongly advises the couple to disengage:
  • Ignore the ex’s messages
  • Refocus on their own well-being and their healthy children
  • Protect themselves from further emotional turmoil

Notable quotes:

• Dr. Laura: "She dumped his ass, okay? She had enough and she wants to pass him off to you two so she won't feel guilty." (08:33)
• Dr. Laura: "Don't answer that one either. She's trying to dump him on you guys. She’s trying to see which one is a softer touch." (09:26)

4. The Parental Guilt After a Child’s Suicide

• Joe and Stephanie reveal that a major source of their worry is rooted in losing their eldest son to suicide at age 29.
• They fear a repeat scenario with their second son.

Notable moment:

• Joe: "When our oldest boy was 29, he took his own life." (10:16)
• Dr. Laura: "I can understand then why you would imagine that if you don't do something, this could happen again. It could, but it wouldn't be your fault if it did because you couldn't stop it anyway." (10:27)

5. Insight into Suicidal Behavior in the Family

• The parents share details about their eldest son’s suicide:
  • There were threats, but no obvious signs of depression or substance abuse
  • They were unaware of a note, as the ex-daughter-in-law has kept it from them
  • Their second son has also threatened suicide multiple times

Dr. Laura elaborates:

• Repeated threats can be a manipulation tactic, not always tied to actual suicide risk, but still a cause for concern.
• She emphasizes that even mental health professionals must accept the limits of their control over someone’s intent.

Notable quote:

• Dr. Laura: "When I was in therapy school … one of the things they told us is ultimately, if we have a patient who committed suicide, that we couldn't blame ourselves because if somebody's intent, they'll find a way." (13:05)

6. Requirements for Future Contact

• If the son attempts direct contact, Dr. Laura counsels the parents to:
  • Only allow him into their lives if he commits to "intensive psychiatric help"
  • Reinforce that personal suffering does not entitle someone to inflict harm on others

Notable quotes:

• Dr. Laura: "If he comes to the door, you don't let him in. You say you can come in on one condition—that you go into intensive psychiatric help. Because your sadness, anger, all the feelings you have about your older brother have caused you to hurt too many people." (14:00)
• Dr. Laura: "Your suffering does not give you permission to cause suffering in others." (14:35)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Boundaries:
  • Dr. Laura: "Don't. Don't go see a good movie." (09:38) [on how to respond instead]
• On Parental Grief:
  • Dr. Laura: "I gotta tell you as a mother to a mother and a father, it is very hard not to feel a worry when our offspring are screwed up or in trouble or whatever. Okay. But sometimes you have to let it go." (09:47)
• On Trauma’s Ripple Effect:
  • Joe: "Our second boy, the one that's been the alcoholic, he's threatened suicide so many times." (13:05)
  • Dr. Laura: "He should have been in intensive psychotherapy so he would learn something about tormenting the rest of his family because he's hurting." (13:43)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Background & Introduction: 01:32–03:27
• Going Over the Text from Son’s Ex: 04:17–05:16
• Advice: "Get on with your lives": 05:29–06:01
• Caution About Manipulation & Dumping Responsibility: 08:25–09:47
• Discussion of Guilt and Grief After Oldest Son’s Suicide: 10:10–11:57
• Handling Ongoing Suicidal Threats in the Family: 12:50–13:54
• Setting Firm Requirements for Future Contact: 14:00–14:41

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Tone and Style

Dr. Laura’s advice blends blunt honesty, empathy, and practical wisdom. She is direct yet compassionate, especially in addressing the family’s grief and fears. The tone is supportive but uncompromising regarding setting boundaries and not indulging manipulative or destructive behavior by adult children.

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Summary

This episode is a deeply personal and instructive discussion about the limits of parental responsibility, the importance of healthy boundaries with adult children suffering from addiction or mental illness, and the enduring pain of losing a child to suicide. Dr. Laura guides Joe and Stephanie away from guilt-driven intervention, instead counseling self-care, family focus, and clear, compassionate boundaries—only welcoming the troubled son back if he genuinely commits to intensive help.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day, sponsored by Native Path Collagen, the collagen I take daily to support healthy joints, skin, bones and guts. Go to getnativepath.com drlaura for free shipping and a special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail price. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on SiriusXM triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Joe and Stephanie, welcome to the program.

[Stephanie]

Hi there.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hi, Stephanie. Where's Joe?

[Stephanie]

He's right here.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hi, Joe.

[Joe]

Hi.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, how long have you guys been married?

[Stephanie]

48 years.

[Joe]

Sure. No, 47.

[Stephanie]

47. Sorry, I'm backwards. 47.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, give and take a few months. Gee, you two argue a lot or what?

[Stephanie]

No, not really.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, good, because that worried me. All right, so what's happening? Who would like to tell me what's happening?

[Joe]

All right, can you hear us?

[Stephanie]

Okay.

[Joe]

Oh.

[Stephanie]

Can you hear us?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes. Can somebody tell me what's happening? Pick one of you. One, three. Shoot.

[Stephanie]

Okay, we have a son who is 44 years old. He has elderly son. Yeah, he's been an alcoholic for, I would say at least 20 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Do you have any other children Who.

[Stephanie]

No, he has no children. He.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No. Do you. Do you have any other children?

[Stephanie]

Yes, we have four. The first, our oldest just passed away. He's the second child. And then we have two more, another son and a daughter.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how are. How are the two younger ones doing?

[Stephanie]

They're doing well.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, good. So. Okay, good. I just want to know that there was some good kids there. All right, so he's a drunk. And.

[Stephanie]

And he has a fiance who he started shacking up with about 10 years ago. They have been engaged for eight years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, that's not a fiance. That's not A fiance. That's a shack up, honey. All right, go ahead.

[Stephanie]

That's exactly. She wears a ring. Thinking there was going to be a day. We received a text. I did the earlier today and we've been discussing on how to handle it. So that's why my husband.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Would one of you please read the text to me?

[Stephanie]

Yes. Open up my phone here. One moment.

[Joe]

And to add. Well, before she read the text, while she's getting it out, we kept the attitude in the last year and a half that once he's sober for a year, then we'll talk. And now we're back in the position of I'll let you read it or read it.

[Stephanie]

Okay. She just mentioned that they are separate.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, don't tell me what she mentions. Read it to me.

[Stephanie]

Okay. I didn't know if you wanted me to say his name because I didn't know that. Okay. She said, hey, we are separated. We are no longer together. He said he wants you to reach out today. He is sober. I can't hold off. Sorry. I'm trying to do this. And I'm so sorry. It just flipped my text up. Okay. We are no longer together. He said he wants to reach out to you today. He is sober and wants to ask your health. So maybe could call him or answer when he calls you. Just a heads up because he will be calling today. We haven't been a year and a half because we finally. And so now we're trying to decide how to handle.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, you need more information. What's her proof that he's been clean and sober for a year? Ask her that.

[Stephanie]

Oh, zero. He's not been. She has not been sober for a year.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well then. Okay, both of you stop. Then. There's nothing. You're back to where you were. Just get on with your lives. I'm sorry you lost one and I feel terrible about that. This one's a lost one too. He's just alive. So you have two reasonable kids. Focus on that. Focus on each other. Focus on life, focus on hobbies. Focus on all kinds of things that you would like. I don't put a lot of energy into this one.

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[Stephanie]

Okay, that's good to know. We just didn't know whether it's time if he's on a. No, that was me that was mostly worried.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no. Stop with the worry. He survives. She dumped his ass, okay? She had enough and she wants to pass him off to you two so she won't feel guilty. As a psychotherapist, we used to have people come in, sit there for a session. The husband, the wife, the girlfriend, the boyfriend. To get to be able to leave without feeling too guilty by dumping that person on the therapist. In this case, she's dumping him on you. Don't fall for it.

[Stephanie]

That's good to know. That's what I was. Yeah. What I was concerned about is it makes her feel.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, that's not your job. And if I were you, I would not answer the text, okay?

[Joe]

Because she sent me a text too, saying the Same.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Don't answer that one either. She's trying to dump him on you guys. Okay. She's trying to see which one has is a softer touch.

[Stephanie]

Oh, good to know. Because I haven't sent anything yet.

[Joe]

So good to know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Don't. Don't go see a good movie.

[Stephanie]

Oh, good. Thank you so much. We listen to you all the time, so thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, guys, I'm a mother. I gotta tell you as a mother to a mother and a father, it is very hard not to feel a worry when our offspring are screwed up or in trouble or whatever. Okay. But sometimes you have to let it go.

[Stephanie]

Thank you. May I add one more thing?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Sure.

[Joe]

One of the things that my wife struggles from too is. I don't think she mentioned it, but when our oldest boy was 29, he took his own life.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, I can understand then why you would imagine that if you don't do something, this could happen again. It could, but it wouldn't be your fault if it did because you couldn't stop it anyway. So what was troubling your oldest? What was his problem? Did he have a drug problem or something?

[Joe]

No, he was. We were completely taken by surprise and shock.

[Stephanie]

He did have a baby.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Was there a note or anything?

[Joe]

There was a note that our ex daughter in law has never allowed us to see it. She.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, that's interesting.

[Stephanie]

After.

[Joe]

And you know, she. In fairness to her, we don't have the best feelings towards her because. But in fair, I don't know, she.

[Stephanie]

She didn't.

[Joe]

I don't think she knew how they kept it quiet because supposedly he had threatened to her before, but he had threatened so many times that she told him to go ahead and man up and do it or quit threatening.

[Stephanie]

And.

[Joe]

I can, I can understand that why she would do that if he kept doing that because they just don't. People don't. Don't know how to handle it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, typically if someone spends 20 times threatening every time there's a fight or a problem, I'm just going to kill myself or we're just getting a divorce, that usually a huge number of repetitiveness like that does not lead to the actual. So it's a little unusual. I mean, if I say three times over two years that I think I wish I were dead, that few amount of times should make everybody concerned about depression. Okay.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But so in her understanding, if this were like all the time, I don't know that it was, but that's how she's describing it, then I can thoroughly understand what happened. And it's not her fault.

[Joe]

Yeah. I mean, our. Our second boy, the one that's been the alcoholic, He. He's threatened suicide dust so many times.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

We can't count again, same thing. Where'd they get this from? There's so much more of this story that I know I need to hear, but we can't in this situation. But either which way. When I was in therapy school, as I call it, one of the things they told us is ultimately, if we have a patient who committed suicide, that we couldn't blame ourselves because if somebody's intent, they'll find a way.

[Stephanie]

He never got over his older brother's death, and he.

[Joe]

That's our second son. Yeah, our second son was on the phone.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He should have been in intensive psychotherapy so he would learn something about tormenting the rest of his family because he's hurting.

[Joe]

That's.

[Stephanie]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So if he shows up at your door, I mean, I can't tell you not to be worried. I can't do that. Right. But I can tell you if he comes to the door, you don't let him in. You say you can come in on one condition. That you go into intensive psychiatric help. Because your sadness, anger, all the feelings you have about your older brother have caused you to hurt too many people. So that becomes your moral responsibility. Now. Your suffering does not give you permission to cause suffering in others.

[Joe]

That's a good one.

[Stephanie]

I think of it that way. That's really good.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And if we can get him in to see a good, you know, a really good therapist, good luck with that. Then maybe he could get the help he needs. My number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com DrLauraProgram.

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