What Cheaters Are Really After

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: What Cheaters Are Really After
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: November 14, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger unpacks the hidden motivations behind infidelity and what those who cheat are truly seeking. Using an insightful article from The Good Men Project as a springboard, Dr. Laura discusses psychological drivers of affairs, explores recurring patterns, and shares advice rooted in her signature direct tone. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their relationships and personal accountability rather than seeking shortcuts for happiness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Core Question: Why Do People Cheat?

(00:56-02:00)

• Dr. Laura sets up the episode’s focus: examining what drives people to risk their relationships through affairs, even though the consequences can be severe.

• She refers to an article by Tim Dahl from The Good Men Project, appreciating its male perspective and research.

  "It's mostly guys. Not totally, but mostly guys who fool around." — Dr. Laura (01:20)

2. The Thrill of the Affair

(01:40-03:45)

• One of the biggest motivators is the thrill and excitement of being with someone new, which can be intoxicating but inevitably short-lived.

• Dr. Laura notes that the novelty fades and reality sets in, leaving people back where they started but with more complications.

  "The thrill seeker is seeking the new. Well, as the affair goes on, the new becomes routine…and they're back to where they started. Except they might have a mess to clean up." — Dr. Laura (02:30)

• Reference to research: 44% of men cheat due to wanting more exciting sex, largely stemming from newness.

3. Escaping Routine and Rekindling Spark

(06:22-09:10)

• For many, affairs serve as an escape from a stagnant, routine marriage.

• Dr. Laura highlights the importance of treating your partner like a boyfriend or girlfriend, doing loving and playful things, and not taking each other for granted.

• She humorously recalls a listener’s negative response to her advice for couples to run and hug each other, then challenges that view.

  "'Why don't we ask him if feeling needed by his woman makes him feel good or bad? Why don't we ask him?'" — Dr. Laura (07:05)

• She playfully suggests reigniting marital intimacy with small rituals, even using humorously vivid imagery.

  "Go take a shower together. Rub soap all over each other, everywhere… delicate soap." — Dr. Laura (08:01)

• Dr. Laura stresses ongoing effort and contribution in relationships, equating men to water pumps that need to be "primed" by women moving them out of their "cerebral space, into their soul space, sensuality space."

• If couples focus on resentment rather than love and tenderness, affairs may start to look like an appealing "escape route."

  "So between now and dead, you're going to live on resentment instead of love and tenderness? That's seriously stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid." — Dr. Laura (09:22)

4. Ego Boost and Validation

(09:30-10:20)

• Some people cheat for an ego boost—a temporary rush of feeling wanted, attractive, and sexy.
• For women specifically, 33% cheat to see if they've "lost their charm." Dr. Laura notes that, for everyone, the effect is fleeting.

5. Cheating for Power & Control

(10:30-11:15)

• Certain cheaters get a sense of empowerment from their secret. The affair gives them the upper hand by creating a private world that their spouse is unaware of.

• Ultimately, these affairs become traps rather than sources of freedom, requiring constant vigilance and deception.

  "Except affairs end up controlling you... until the thing you thought was going to empower you ends up being an ugly trap." — Dr. Laura (11:00)

6. Looking for Yourself in the Wrong Places

(11:20-12:00)

• Dr. Laura uses her "sock drawer" analogy for people searching for themselves through affairs.

• She encourages self-examination instead of looking for meaning in external or secretive experiences.

  "You're not finding yourself in an affair… it rarely leads to any true long lasting fulfillment." — Dr. Laura (11:40)

7. Unmet Needs and the Shortcuts Trap

(12:00-12:30)

• Affairs reflect deeper, unmet emotional needs—whether neurotic or valid.

• Cheating is a shortcut that rarely leads to positive change or fulfillment.

  "Shortcuts rarely get you to any positive destination. You want a better life? Make an effort. Communication. Better choices. Better behavior." — Dr. Laura (12:22)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|--------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:20 | Dr. Laura | "It's mostly guys. Not totally, but mostly guys who fool around." | | 02:30 | Dr. Laura | "The thrill seeker is seeking the new…they're back to where they started. Except they might have a mess to clean up." | | 07:05 | Dr. Laura | "'Why don't we ask him if feeling needed by his woman makes him feel good or bad?'" | | 08:01 | Dr. Laura | "Go take a shower together. Rub soap all over each other, everywhere… delicate soap." | | 09:22 | Dr. Laura | "So between now and dead, you're going to live on resentment instead of love and tenderness? That's seriously stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid." | | 11:00 | Dr. Laura | "Except affairs end up controlling you... until the thing you thought was going to empower you ends up being an ugly trap." | | 12:22 | Dr. Laura | "Shortcuts rarely get you to any positive destination. You want a better life? Make an effort. Communication. Better choices. Better behavior." |

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:56: Main topic introduction (what cheaters are really after)
• 01:40-03:45: The thrill and excitement of affairs
• 06:22-09:10: Escaping routine & marital stagnation
• 09:30-10:20: Ego boost and seeking validation
• 10:30-11:15: Cheating for power and control
• 11:20-12:00: The "sock drawer" analogy and search for meaning
• 12:00-12:30: The problem of unmet needs and shortcuts

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Tone and Takeaways

Dr. Laura delivers her commentary with characteristic directness and wit, combining sarcasm, humor, and empathy for listeners’ struggles. The message is clear: cheating is not a solution—it’s a maladaptive response to deeper issues that require honest reflection and active effort. Dr. Laura wraps the episode challenging listeners to choose effort, communication, and positive behavior over risky shortcuts.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you for listening to my morning monologue brought to you by Vibriant Super C Serum, the skincare product I use twice a day. Visit vibrance.com drlaura to save 37% and get free shipping. Remember, you can hear my radio Program Daily on SiriusXM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] what cheaters are really after when they have an affair and most importantly, do they find whatever they're searching for? The answer is not really. Article today that appeared I love this site goodmenproject.com written by Tim Dahl, so I'm going to use his article as a springboard. It's well done. I like that it comes from a guy, because it's mostly guys. Not totally, but mostly guys who fool around. Okay, Want to uncover why people do such risky things outside their committed relationship, in spite of what the consequences are likely going to be. Why do they risk it? What is worth the risk? Evidently, there are about a handful of things that make it worth the risk. There's a thrill you don't even have to like the other person. It's a thrill to have that excitement of sneaking off to meet somebody and having sex. It's exciting. It's intoxicating. Unfortunately, the thrill doesn't last. Bummer. The excitement fades because reality sets in. Why? Think about it. The thrill seeker is seeking the new. Well, as the affair goes on, the new becomes routine and it becomes old. And they're back to where they started. Except they might have a mess to clean up. 44% of men cheat because of the desire to more have more exciting sex, which is more easily gotten in a new situation because the newness in of itself is exciting like when you first met somebody. Oh, it's all exciting. It's new, and you have your fantasies going on and it's just a blast.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Another motivation is escape. A lot of people see their primary marital relationship as so routine. No spark left. No treating each other like boyfriend girlfriend. No doing cute things. Every now and then I get a snarky letter. It's so rare, though, that I I have to mention it because I'm sure it represents some tiny populace nonetheless. But Ow. I remember one. It cracked me up so bad. We have an outtake where I say, run into his arms and say, hug me, hug me, hug me. So this woman writes to me. That's the dumbest, God awful, stupid thing I've ever heard. I would never run to my husband and say, hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me. He'd think I lost my marbles. Really? Why don't we ask him if feeling needed by his woman makes him feel good or bad? Why don't we ask him? So a lot of you, poo, Poo. Oh, it's just disgusting. You're expecting the woman. When he comes through the door, give him a kiss. Get the kids in bed, feed everybody, get them the hell out of the main house room and go take a shower together. Rub soap all over each other, everywhere. Delicate soap. Okay, rinse off and tell me if you feel better or worse about being married. Tell me. I'd be very interested. For those of you who go, oh, I'm tired after a long day, you know, why am I expected to do this? Because you're in the relationship and you're supposed to contribute. And men are like the water pumps on farms. Often they need to be primed to get out of their workspace, out of their cerebral space, into their soul space, Sensuality space. Women tenderize men. Sounds like I'm talking about a steak. I know, but women tenderize men. So why would you deny it? I mean, why? Why get married if you're going to deny it? Come on. So for that group, an affair becomes an escape route to sort of restart the sparks again. And I bet in an affair, you're taking showers together, using whipped cream, doing all kinds of cool things with the person you're having an affair with. But no, not your spouse. I have too much resentment built. So between now and dead, you're going to live on resentment instead of love and tenderness? That's seriously stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Some turn to affairs because it's an ego boost. Makes me feel wanted. Sexy. It's a temporary fix. Again, all this fades. 33% of women evidently cheat on their spouse to find out if they've lost their charm. Do cheaters realize what they've lost, you ask? Every single moment. Cheaters suffer a lot. I don't care. Too bad. Another curious variety of cheaters are those who turn to screwing around as a twisted way of getting the upper hand. Makes them feel like they're in charge. They have the upper hand in their relationship. They have this whole secret thing that they're doing that elevates them above the trivial crap they have to deal with with their spouse. Yeah, except affairs end up controlling you. You're always looking over your shoulder, calculating, hiding, until the thing you thought was going to empower you ends up being an ugly trap. And then there are people who look for themselves in sock drawers. That's what I used to snarkily say when people I'm looking, I'm trying to find myself. And I always say, look in a sock drawer. That is where you are. Seriously, you ever look in your drawer and think, what does this say about me? Are the socks all lined up? Are they just thrown in, not attached? Are they thrown in? Just sort of. One is shoved into the other one. They have ribbons around them. I mean, what does your sock drawer look like? It tells a lot about you. Find yourself in in your sock drawer. You're not Finding yourself in an affair gives you the illusion of some kind of new start. But it's a fake one. It's a hidden one. It rarely leads to any true long lasting fulfillment. And generally, you realize you've been searching in all the wrong places for yourself. Check out the sock drawer. Look, affairs are not just about desire, romance, excitement. They're a deep reflection of some unmet needs. Neurotic or healthy unmet needs. But instead of addressing those needs when you cheat, you're basically opting out for a shortcut. And shortcuts rarely get you to any positive destination. You want a better life? Make an effort. Communication, Better choices, Better behavior. Okay, that's that, folks. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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