Why Am I Always the Bad Guy?

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Episode Title: Why Am I Always the Bad Guy?
Release Date: October 11, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Main Theme:
This episode tackles the feeling of being unfairly cast as the “bad guy” in social dynamics, particularly within friendships and marriages. The caller seeks Dr. Laura’s advice on a long-standing sense of being misunderstood and marginalized after a conflict with former friends, and a more recent event further complicating those emotions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Caller’s Dilemma: Misperceptions and Lingering Conflict

• Background of the Issue ([02:22]–[05:23])
  • Caller describes a friendship that ended 10 years ago after an incident at a seasonal campground.
  • She and her husband were expected to help their friends before settling in themselves. She asked her husband to finish their own tasks first, then help.
  • She feels her stance was misinterpreted as unkind or controlling, leading to the friendship’s breakdown.
  • “I told him, I said, when we're done, you're more... I'm more than happy... that you would go help them, but let's get our stuff done first.” – Caller [03:54]
  • Caller notes she’s been told she has a “resting bitch face,” which may have contributed to misunderstandings.

Dr. Laura’s Perspective: Setting Boundaries Isn’t ‘Bad’

• Analyzing the Husband’s Role ([04:38]–[05:18])
  • Dr. Laura challenges the notion that the husband was “nicer” just because he was always eager to help their friends.
  • “They will stay up all night with somebody outside of the family because, quote, it's their job and because it makes them feel heroic and they're not there for the families. I don't consider that a nice guy. I consider that an ego gratification behavior.” – Dr. Laura [04:38]
  • She supports the caller’s request to prioritize their own needs, calling it “reasonable and mature.”

Addressing Ongoing Self-Doubt

• Caller Feels Like the ‘Bad Guy’ ([05:23]–[10:11])

  • The caller worries that her actions and boundaries painted her as the villain.
  • Dr. Laura asserts that the friends were “not nice people” if they misjudged and mistreated the caller.
  • “People who behave huffy or something like that is absurd. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them.” – Dr. Laura [10:17]

• Recent Passing in the Former Friendship ([10:24]–[11:20])

  • One member of the former friend couple passed away.
  • The caller and her husband considered sending condolences, but the husband made a phone call to the bereaved spouse without involving the caller, reviving her sense of exclusion.
  • “I wish I would have been included in that phone call because again, I look like the bad one that he reached out.” – Caller [11:28]

Dr. Laura’s Straightforward Advice: Let It Go and Move Forward

• Advice on Reaching Out or Attending Services ([11:20]–[12:12])

  • Dr. Laura tells the caller:

    • Not to worry about who made the condolence gesture (“Stop being so negative about you.” – Dr. Laura [11:38])
    • Only attend a celebration of life if she genuinely wants to—the caller isn’t obligated, especially given past mistreatment.

  • “If you want to celebrate that person's life, do it.” – Dr. Laura [12:04]

  • “They were pretty self centered folks. If you're accurate in the description of what happened. They're jerks. And then they were not nice to you. Leave it alone.” – Dr. Laura [12:21]

• Encouragement to Focus on Healthy Relationships ([12:33]–[13:07])

  • Dr. Laura advocates spending time with people who value and like you.
  • Caller affirms she now tries to encourage direct communication and not let misunderstandings linger.
  • “Get on with the people who do like you. I try not to spend a whole lot of time with people who may not like me. What's the point.” – Dr. Laura [12:33]
  • Caller: “I've told friends that if you have a misunderstanding with me, of me, if I've done something upset you, come and talk to me. Don't let it stew. Don't assume.” – [13:00]

• Concluding Empowerment ([13:07]–[13:27])

  • Dr. Laura reminds the caller to stop being so hard on herself:
    • “So far, I’m impressed that you act like an adult. So get off your back.” – Dr. Laura [13:11]
    • “If I'm not on your back, I want you off your back. Do you hear me?” – Dr. Laura [13:21]
    • Caller: “Yes, ma’am.” – [13:25]

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Standout Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|--------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:54 | Caller (C) | "When we're done, you're more... I'm more than happy... that you would go help them, but let's get our stuff done first." | | 04:38 | Dr. Laura (B)| "I don't consider that a nice guy. I consider that an ego gratification behavior." | | 10:17 | Dr. Laura (B)| "People who behave huffy or something like that is absurd. I wouldn't have anything to do with them." | | 11:28 | Caller (C) | "I wish I would have been included in that phone call because again, I look like the bad one that he reached out." | | 12:21 | Dr. Laura (B)| "They were pretty self centered folks. If you're accurate in the description of what happened. They're jerks. And then they were not nice to you. Leave it alone." | | 13:11 | Dr. Laura (B)| "So far, I’m impressed that you act like an adult. So get off your back." | | 13:21 | Dr. Laura (B)| "If I'm not on your back, I want you off your back. Do you hear me?" |

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Important Timestamps

• [02:22] – Caller introduces her dilemma
• [03:07]–[05:23] – Details of the original misunderstanding and Dr. Laura's analysis
• [10:24]–[11:38] – Discussion of the recent passing and husband's phone call
• [12:09]–[13:25] – Dr. Laura's final advice and encouragement

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Episode Takeaways

• Standing up for your own needs is mature, not “mean.”
• Sometimes people will misinterpret your actions or motives; that doesn’t make you the “bad guy.”
• It’s unnecessary to repair old relationships with people who treated you poorly—focus on those who value you.
• Let go of self-blame when others misunderstand you, especially if you handle things openly and fairly.
• Dr. Laura’s signature no-nonsense tone urges listeners to get on with life and prioritize authentic, supportive relationships.

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This summary provides a comprehensive guide to the episode’s core discussion, helping listeners grasp the message even if they missed the original broadcast.

Transcript

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[B]

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[C]

Hi Dr. Lawrence, it's a pleasure to speak with you.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Hi, I have a question. I need to know if I am right in being upset with my husband. I've not brought it up to him yet because I wasn't sure how to handle it or if I was actually in the right. We had a friendship with some people that ended about 10 years ago. It ended. I never really got clarification though I asked. Best I can figure is they they misunderstood some of my intentions and things that I had had said though I never intended it that way. Anyway, so the friendship ended. My husband tried Tried to be.

[A]

You're going to have to back up.

[B]

And tell me what it is you said that you believe might have been misunderstood. Please tell me all of it.

[C]

Okay. So we were at a campground and we were very close quarters, and it was a seasonal campground. We would show up, we'd have stuff to unpack and get things done. And maybe it'd be in the spring when there's extra things to be done around before we can get settled. And they would ask him to come over and help them. And I. And so I would. I would get upset with him because we had things to do to get ourselves settled. And I told him, I said, when we're done, you're more. I'm more than happy to let you know. Not let him. I misquoted that. I'm more than happy that you would go help them, but let's get our stuff done first.

[B]

So far, totally reasonable and mature. Go ahead.

[C]

Okay. Just things like that. I've been told I have. I've been told I have a good resting bitch face, which I don't intend, but I think that can be misread. So I just think people have misread me. So my husband's always been the nicer guy. And everybody thinks he's, you know, and he is. He's a great guy.

[B]

He's not the nicer guy. It's just like, you know, some God I've given in the past talks to clergy, and they will stay up all night with somebody outside of the family because, quote, it's their job and because it makes them feel heroic and they're not there for the families. I don't consider that a nice guy. I consider that an ego gratification behavior. So when you said, honey, help them after we finish, did he stay and finish and then go help them or did he go off and do it?

[C]

He stayed and finished. He stayed and helped me. He had. Yes.

[B]

Good, good. Okay, so I don't understand what was misunderstood. I don't know what we're talking about yet.

[C]

Well, because they didn't like me because I didn't let him go help them or.

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[A]

Well, first of all, you said you.

[B]

Told your husband this, so how did they know anything about this conversation between you and your husband?

[C]

Because they saw me and they saw me talk to him and he said he'd be over later. But the, the reason I'm calling is that happened, like I said, 10 years ago. And so then he finally saw how they were mistreating me and he's like, you know what? You're right. The way they. They judge you is wrong. They're not seeing the real you. So he. He's trying to.

[B]

They're absolutely seeing the real you. They're not nice people. What the hell? Woman. People who behave.

[A]

Huffy. Oh.

[B]

Or something like that is absurd.

[A]

I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

[C]

Right. And that's. Yes. Well, we don't. We don't have anything to do with them anymore. But. Well, so a few. About a month ago, one of the two in this couple passed away and got word of it. And my husband and I discussed about just sending a modest card of condolences because she passed.

[B]

Very nice.

[C]

But we stated that. Or we've discussed the fact that we don't have their address, that we'd have to get it from someone else. And I'm like, okay, well. And that's all we talked about. Well, next thing I know, a few days later, he told me he called that the other partner in the relationship and they had a very nice conversation and they. They said that they were sorry for what happened. So my problem is.

[B]

Why would you have problem?

[C]

I wish I would have been included in that phone call because again, I look like the bad one that he reached out.

[B]

No, you don't look like the bad one. You're married. One person makes the phone call. Stop being so negative about you.

[C]

So what should I do now? Should I reach out to them? Should we go to the celebration life?

[B]

If you want to.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You want to celebrate that person's life, do it.

[C]

I don't know if I do. They treated me pretty horribly.

[B]

Well, then don't. I'm okay with you not. It was nice that we were going to send a card. That's fine. Get on with your life. They were pretty self centered folks. If you're accurate in the description of what happened. They're jerks. And then they were not nice to you. Leave it alone.

[A]

Leave it alone.

[B]

Get on with the people who do like you. I try not to spend a whole lot of time with people who may not like me. What's the point.

[C]

Right?

[B]

I don't spend a whole hell of a lot of time with somebody I don't like. Come on, that's normal life.

[C]

Oh, no, I've. I've in my 50s. I've come to that realization.

[B]

Good.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. And I've told friends that if you have a misunderstanding with me, of me, if I've done something upset you, come and talk to me. Don't let it stew. Don't assume.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Let's. Let's not. I can handle it. I'm an adult.

[B]

Good. So far, I'm impressed that you act like an adult. So get off your back.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

If I'm not on your back, I.

[A]

Want you off your back. Do you hear me?

[C]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right, Jo, have a good day.

[C]

Thanks. You, too.

[B]

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[A]

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