Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Why Does My Daughter Always Pick Bad Men?
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: December 13, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a caller named Ellen, a mother concerned about her 22-year-old daughter's pattern of choosing problematic partners. Ellen describes how her daughter recently brought home an older boyfriend who has been whispering divisive comments, attempting to separate her from her family. Dr. Laura helps Ellen reflect on the deeper issues underlying her daughter’s choices, specifically the roots of self-worth and family relationships. The episode explores how family dynamics, self-esteem, and the need for validation influence patterns in romantic relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Situation: Family Tensions and Troubled Relationships

• [01:24]–[02:04] Ellen explains she has six children (five boys, one girl). Her daughter has consistently dated “bad men” and now has brought home a 26-year-old boyfriend whom the family perceives as toxic.
• The boyfriend reportedly tries to isolate the daughter from her family, saying things like, “your family doesn't value you, you'll never find anyone who will love you as much as I will.”
• Other siblings overheard these remarks, confirming their divisive nature.

2. Dr. Laura’s Probing: Patterns, Not Just Partners

• [03:21] Dr. Laura challenges Ellen: “Why do you, knowing your daughter as you do, why do you think she's relaxing into that?”
• She asserts, “A girl who believes and has experience that her family loves her and admires her is not going to be open to hearing this stuff.”
• Dr. Laura wants Ellen to reflect on what has shaped her daughter’s worldview and openness to manipulation.

3. The Root Cause: Self-Esteem and Family History

• [07:07]–[07:26] Ellen shares her daughter has had a “troubled experience”—expelled from high school for drug possession.
• [07:47] Dr. Laura clarifies, “He makes her feel good about herself.”
• The implication: the boyfriend fills a void of acceptance and validation that Ellen’s daughter may not feel elsewhere.

4. Parental Insight and Responsibility

• Ellen wonders aloud if the family is responsible. Dr. Laura is careful:
  • [08:38] “I didn't say the cause. I never said the cause.”
  • Dr. Laura stresses that causality isn’t the point; rather, the focus should be on how the daughter’s internal narrative has developed.

5. Actionable Advice: How to Respond As Parents

• [08:57]–[09:55] Dr. Laura offers concrete steps:
  • Parents should address the core belief, not attack the boyfriend.
  • Suggests a direct but compassionate approach:

    “You know, he's always trying to tell you that your family doesn't care about you, and he's the only one who can be there for you. That's very compelling. So it must mean that all the years you've grown up in this family, that you somehow believe that's true. So we need to talk about that, sweetheart, and I'd like you to do it in front of him. This is what would happen in a high quality therapy session.” [09:00]

  • Wait for the daughter’s response—this can open real dialogue.

6. The Trap of Criticizing the Boyfriend

• Criticizing or attacking the boyfriend will only “make her feel more like gravitating toward him.”
• Focus on the daughter's emotional needs, not the specifics of the boyfriend's behavior.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (03:28):

  “A girl who believes and has experience that her family loves her and admires her is not going to be open to hearing this stuff.”

• Dr. Laura (07:47):

  “He makes her feel good about herself.”

• Dr. Laura (08:17):

  “So this don’t go so— I know. I don't want to hear the question. I want you to really think about what I just said.”

• Dr. Laura (08:57–09:55):

  “What would be useful is with or without him in the room to say to her, you know, he's always trying to tell you that your family doesn't care about you, and he's the only one who can be there for you. That's very compelling. So it must mean that all the years you've grown up in this family, that you somehow believe that's true. So we need to talk about that, sweetheart, and I'd like you to do it in front of him…”

• Dr. Laura (09:50):

  “He is precisely what she needs in her mind. So putting him down is just going to make her feel more like gravitating toward him.”

Important Timestamps

• [01:21] – Caller Ellen introduces her family and dilemma
• [02:54] – Caller relays the boyfriend’s manipulative statements
• [03:21] – Dr. Laura challenges Ellen to reflect on family dynamics
• [07:26] – Ellen describes daughter's troubled background
• [07:47] – Dr. Laura identifies the emotional gap boyfriend fills
• [08:57] – Dr. Laura details an intervention strategy
• [09:50] – Key warning against criticizing the boyfriend directly

Takeaways

• Patterns of choosing unhealthy partners often reflect deeper issues related to self-worth and family dynamics.
• Addressing these patterns requires compassion and a willingness to engage with the core belief systems of loved ones, not just their behaviors or choices.
• Open, honest conversation—especially when confronting divisive influences—can be a powerful therapeutic tool.

This episode is especially useful for parents grappling with concern over their adult children's relationship patterns, emphasizing empathy, reflection, and constructive dialogue over blame.