Why Does My Daughter Always Pick Bad Men?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Why Does My Daughter Always Pick Bad Men?
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: December 13, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a caller named Ellen, a mother concerned about her 22-year-old daughter's pattern of choosing problematic partners. Ellen describes how her daughter recently brought home an older boyfriend who has been whispering divisive comments, attempting to separate her from her family. Dr. Laura helps Ellen reflect on the deeper issues underlying her daughter’s choices, specifically the roots of self-worth and family relationships. The episode explores how family dynamics, self-esteem, and the need for validation influence patterns in romantic relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Situation: Family Tensions and Troubled Relationships

• [01:24]–[02:04] Ellen explains she has six children (five boys, one girl). Her daughter has consistently dated “bad men” and now has brought home a 26-year-old boyfriend whom the family perceives as toxic.
• The boyfriend reportedly tries to isolate the daughter from her family, saying things like, “your family doesn't value you, you'll never find anyone who will love you as much as I will.”
• Other siblings overheard these remarks, confirming their divisive nature.

2. Dr. Laura’s Probing: Patterns, Not Just Partners

• [03:21] Dr. Laura challenges Ellen: “Why do you, knowing your daughter as you do, why do you think she's relaxing into that?”
• She asserts, “A girl who believes and has experience that her family loves her and admires her is not going to be open to hearing this stuff.”
• Dr. Laura wants Ellen to reflect on what has shaped her daughter’s worldview and openness to manipulation.

3. The Root Cause: Self-Esteem and Family History

• [07:07]–[07:26] Ellen shares her daughter has had a “troubled experience”—expelled from high school for drug possession.
• [07:47] Dr. Laura clarifies, “He makes her feel good about herself.”
• The implication: the boyfriend fills a void of acceptance and validation that Ellen’s daughter may not feel elsewhere.

4. Parental Insight and Responsibility

• Ellen wonders aloud if the family is responsible. Dr. Laura is careful:
  • [08:38] “I didn't say the cause. I never said the cause.”
  • Dr. Laura stresses that causality isn’t the point; rather, the focus should be on how the daughter’s internal narrative has developed.

5. Actionable Advice: How to Respond As Parents

• [08:57]–[09:55] Dr. Laura offers concrete steps:
  • Parents should address the core belief, not attack the boyfriend.
  • Suggests a direct but compassionate approach:

    “You know, he's always trying to tell you that your family doesn't care about you, and he's the only one who can be there for you. That's very compelling. So it must mean that all the years you've grown up in this family, that you somehow believe that's true. So we need to talk about that, sweetheart, and I'd like you to do it in front of him. This is what would happen in a high quality therapy session.” [09:00]

  • Wait for the daughter’s response—this can open real dialogue.

6. The Trap of Criticizing the Boyfriend

• Criticizing or attacking the boyfriend will only “make her feel more like gravitating toward him.”
• Focus on the daughter's emotional needs, not the specifics of the boyfriend's behavior.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura (03:28):

  “A girl who believes and has experience that her family loves her and admires her is not going to be open to hearing this stuff.”

• Dr. Laura (07:47):

  “He makes her feel good about herself.”

• Dr. Laura (08:17):

  “So this don’t go so— I know. I don't want to hear the question. I want you to really think about what I just said.”

• Dr. Laura (08:57–09:55):

  “What would be useful is with or without him in the room to say to her, you know, he's always trying to tell you that your family doesn't care about you, and he's the only one who can be there for you. That's very compelling. So it must mean that all the years you've grown up in this family, that you somehow believe that's true. So we need to talk about that, sweetheart, and I'd like you to do it in front of him…”

• Dr. Laura (09:50):

  “He is precisely what she needs in her mind. So putting him down is just going to make her feel more like gravitating toward him.”

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Important Timestamps

• [01:21] – Caller Ellen introduces her family and dilemma
• [02:54] – Caller relays the boyfriend’s manipulative statements
• [03:21] – Dr. Laura challenges Ellen to reflect on family dynamics
• [07:26] – Ellen describes daughter's troubled background
• [07:47] – Dr. Laura identifies the emotional gap boyfriend fills
• [08:57] – Dr. Laura details an intervention strategy
• [09:50] – Key warning against criticizing the boyfriend directly

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Takeaways

• Patterns of choosing unhealthy partners often reflect deeper issues related to self-worth and family dynamics.
• Addressing these patterns requires compassion and a willingness to engage with the core belief systems of loved ones, not just their behaviors or choices.
• Open, honest conversation—especially when confronting divisive influences—can be a powerful therapeutic tool.

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This episode is especially useful for parents grappling with concern over their adult children's relationship patterns, emphasizing empathy, reflection, and constructive dialogue over blame.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day brought to you by Vibriant Super C Serum, the skin care product I use tw visit vibrance.com drlora to save 37% and get free shipping. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Ellen welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi. Thanks.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hi. Hi.

[Caller]

I have six children. I have five boys and one girl. And my five boys all are fairly harmonious and my one girl is not. And she has brought home. She's 22. She brought home boyfriends with her. She was living overseas and she brought back a boyfriend with her who's 26 and he's horrible. So they've asked me to if they could stay and I let them stay for about two weeks and decided that it's not really working out for the rest of us. So my question.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry, what was the problem? I don't even understand what the problem is to answer a question. You think he's horrible. She doesn't. What's horrible?

[Caller]

What's horrible? She's. She's whispering things in her ear about her family. Like he's trying to separate her.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

If he's whispering, what do you know how he. What he's saying?

[Caller]

My. While they're staying there, he's sharing a room with one of my other children. And so my other kids have heard the things he said.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what has he said about the family?

[Caller]

He said your family doesn't value you you'll never find anyone who will love you as much as I will. Your family decided that my family is not good enough. We've never met his family. We never even talk about his family. Just things of that nature.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, I get it. I get it. And why do you, knowing your daughter as you do, why do you think she's relaxing into that? It seems to me that if this were a daughter who knew she was loved and appreciated, that a guy saying that to her would get her annoyed. So if she's embracing it, tell me about your daughter and what she has thought about her family all the time she's been growing up because something's wrong there.

[Caller]

Yeah, I would definitely say she. She hasn't been an easy. She hasn't had, necessarily hadn't. She's picked bad men before. It's a pattern.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But that's not what I asked you. I said a girl who believes and has experience that her family loves her and admires her is not going to be open to hearing this stuff. So what in her history, maybe all the trouble she's had, for what reason, Somehow she's buying it. So how did she come to think that this guy is correct?

[Caller]

Good question.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Boss.

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[Caller]

I mean, she's, she definitely had a trouble this experience so far, I wouldn't say that, you know, what's been her.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Troubled experience growing up in the family? What has been her troubled experience?

[Caller]

She got kicked out of high school. She.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She got kicked out of high school for doing what? You need to finish your sentences, please.

[Caller]

She got kicked out of high school school for. I, I, I don't even remember which thing happened first. Well, she, she was caught doing drugs at the school, and then she was caught with drugs on her person and got kicked out of high school.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so if that's typical to yeah, then that explains why she needs a man like that, because he makes her feel good about herself.

[Caller]

So my question is this. Knowing she's difficult. She's been difficult.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry, what did I just say to you?

[Caller]

You just said to me that's why she needs a man like this, to make her feel good about herself. Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So this don't go so. I know. I don't want to hear the question. I want you to really think about what I just said.

[Caller]

That she doesn't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Feel good about her, doesn't feel like she doesn't feel good about herself, and she doesn't feel like the family feels good about her.

[Caller]

It's possible since we've been burnt by her, it's possible, it's very highly possible that we are the cause of why she.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I didn't say the cause. I never said the cause.

[Caller]

All right, I'm listening.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So what would be useful is with or without him in the room to say to her, you know, he's always trying to tell you that your family doesn't care about you, and he's the only one who can be there for you. That's very compelling. So it must mean that all the years you've grown up in this family that you somehow believe that's true. So we need to talk about that, sweetheart, and I'd like you to do it in front of him. This is what would happen in a high quality therapy session. So I need you to not start thinking about, he's atrocious, he's this. He's exactly what she wants. He is precisely what she needs in her mind. So putting him down is just going to make her feel more like gravitating toward him. So I think it would be important for you and dad to sit there and say exactly what I said, sweetheart. This fellow is telling you your family doesn't value you and love you. And he's the only one in the world who could do that for you. You must believe that to have him in your life. Then you sit quietly and wait till she speaks. That's very powerful. I think I have a break to do. Is that correct? That was a powerful call. My number, 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura's stamp of approval. Visit DrLaura.com Click on Sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hey, crafters. You're invited to visit the new knit and sew shop at Michaels. Find hundreds of fabrics in over 800 stores and over 100,000 styles. On michaels.com shop your favorite yarn brands, including Big Twist, caron cakes and Bernat in multiple styles and colors. You'll also find all the machines, tools and notions you need with top brands like Singer, Brother and Pellon, plus essential thread and floss. It's all new at Michaels.