Why is My Preschooler Behaving This Way?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Why is My Preschooler Behaving This Way?"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Episode: Why is My Preschooler Behaving This Way?
• Release Date: June 3, 2025
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, released on June 3, 2025, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a concerning behavioral shift in a preschool-aged child. Known for her straightforward advice on parenting and family dynamics, Dr. Laura delves deep into understanding and resolving the challenges faced by a parent grappling with their child's sudden change in behavior.

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Caller’s Concern

At [00:35], a concerned parent reaches out to Dr. Laura, highlighting a significant shift in her 3.5-year-old daughter’s behavior. Initially, the child exhibited fierce independence during bedtime routines, eagerly participating in activities like choosing clothes, pajamas, turning on lights, and selecting books via an Echo device. However, "up until about two weeks ago, she has been fiercely independent with her bedtime routine" ([00:35]), the child began resisting these activities, notably refusing to turn on her light.

The parent explains, "we've allowed it. It's been great. It's been wonderful. And now all of a sudden, the last few days, she absolutely refuses to turn on her light" ([00:35]-[01:15]). In an attempt to address this, they've tried to limit certain freedoms, hoping it would encourage her to resume using the Echo devices, but to no avail.

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Dr. Laura’s Initial Response

Dr. Laura quickly assesses the situation, questioning whether a traumatic event might have triggered this behavioral change. "Has something traumatic happen to her?" ([01:30]) she asks, recognizing that sudden behavioral shifts often have underlying causes. The parent reveals that the child was born with a congenital heart defect and underwent three surgeries in the past few weeks ([01:35]).

Understanding the gravity of the situation, Dr. Laura probes further to uncover any additional changes or stressors in the child's environment, such as new siblings, relocations, or other significant life events. Finding none, she advises maintaining the child's autonomy in certain areas while gently enforcing necessary routines.

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Analyzing the Behavioral Shift

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of not forcing a three-year-old into rigid independence. "Encourage her to make independence at three years old. No, no, no. You encourage co-dependence. You encourage cooperation. You encourage sharing. You don't encourage a three-year-old to run her life" ([02:26]-[02:51]). She suggests that the parent's attempt to foster independence may have inadvertently led to the child's current resistance.

Recognizing the child's recent hospitalizations, Dr. Laura posits that the extended time in the hospital might have influenced her desire for control and autonomy. "I think it comes from her being in the hospital bed for so long is we wanted her to be able to do the things she wants to do" ([07:49]).

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Recommendations for Parents

Dr. Laura advises a balanced approach, blending autonomy with appropriate boundaries. She suggests:

1. Facilitating Choice Within Limits:

   • "Do you want to pick the book or your clothes?" ([09:00]) By offering limited choices, parents can give the child a sense of control without overwhelming her with responsibilities.

2. Creating a Safe Space for Communication:

   • Engage in non-confrontational conversations to understand underlying feelings. For instance, "Yesterday you wanted to pick your clothes. Today you'd like me to pick your clothes. That's interesting." ([06:13])
   • Even if the child responds with uncertainty, this method can encourage her to open up over time.

3. Gradual Transitioning:

   • Compare the process to entering a swimming pool one toe at a time, emphasizing the importance of gradual changes rather than abrupt shifts.

4. Reevaluating Support Structures:

   • Reflect on the extent of support provided and whether it may have become too rigid, potentially hindering the child’s ability to adapt to new situations.

5. Exploring Emotional Underpinnings:

   • Consider whether the child's resistance is a manifestation of deeper emotional needs or fears, especially given her medical history.

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Addressing Parental Emotions

Dr. Laura acknowledges the emotional turmoil parents may experience when their child exhibits unexpected behavior. She advises parents to manage their own feelings to effectively support their child. "You just want us to do everything. That's a hostile question. Even though you said it with a nicer attitude, dramatic changes generally means something happened" ([05:43]-[05:50]). By calming their own anxieties, parents can create a more supportive environment for their child.

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Concluding Insights

Dr. Laura underscores the delicate balance between fostering independence and providing necessary guidance for young children. "You didn't do anything wrong. Your heart is always in the right place" ([09:23]). She encourages parents to remain flexible and responsive to their child's evolving needs, especially in the aftermath of medical challenges.

"It's too big a leap... transitions are important... So she may just want more mothering" ([08:24]-[08:35]). By adapting their parenting strategies, parents can help their children navigate changes more smoothly, ensuring both emotional support and the development of healthy autonomy.

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Final Thoughts and Resources

Before concluding, Dr. Laura invites listeners to connect with her through various social media platforms for ongoing support and additional resources. "You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLauraprogram" ([09:57]).

For more insights and personalized advice, parents are encouraged to reach out to Dr. Laura at 1-800-375-2872.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura: "Encourage cooperation. You encourage sharing. You don't encourage a three-year-old to run her life." [02:26]
• Caller: "I think it comes from her being in the hospital bed for so long is we wanted her to be able to do the things she wants to do." [07:49]
• Dr. Laura: "Do you want to pick the book or your clothes so we have that. Things will be done for her and she can make decisions." [09:00]
• Dr. Laura: "It's too big a leap. I don't know about you, but when I get into a swimming pool, it's like literally one toe at a time." [08:24]

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This episode provides valuable insights for parents navigating sudden behavioral changes in their young children, especially in the context of medical challenges. Dr. Laura's balanced approach emphasizes understanding, communication, and gentle guidance to foster both independence and emotional security in preschoolers.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX. Amy, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hello. So I have a three and a half year old and up until about two weeks ago, she has been fiercely independent with her bedtime routine. She wants to pick out her clothes, her pajamas, turn on the light. We have the echo device, pick her book and do all of the things. So we've allowed it. It's been great. It's been wonderful. And now all of a sudden, the last few days, she absolutely refuses to turn on her light. So we've tried like, okay, well if you don't want to do some things that big kids do, we won't do the other things. Thinking that that would kind of maybe inspire her to echo devices.

[Dr. Laura]

Turn on the light, do what we think you ought to do, or we're going to punish you. Wow.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, no, I guess she just wants to. Did something traumatic happen to her?

[Caller]

Well, she was born with a congenital heart defect. She's had three in the last couple of weeks.

[Dr. Laura]

Has something traumatic happen to her? You said this behavior just as recent, so I'm trying to just. Before I give any other. I need some more insight. Has anything else changed? Are you pregnant? Are you adopting another kid? Did something happen? So think for a moment.

[Caller]

There's been no change in routine for.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, then mother her, say, I'll lay the clothes out. You know, pick which ones you'd like and I'll lay them out.

[Caller]

Okay, so continue to give her the choices and just turn the light on for her and. And do what she doesn't want to do.

[Dr. Laura]

She's three and a half years old.

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[Dr. Laura]

She's not an automaton.

[Caller]

Right. Well, we want to encourage the independence.

[Dr. Laura]

Encourage her to make independence at three years old. No, no, no. You encourage co dependence. You encourage cooperation. You encourage sharing. You don't encourage a three year old to run her life.

[Caller]

Okay.

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[Dr. Laura]

And.

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[Dr. Laura]

So go buy some books. I just feel like she'd like more. I don't care how you feel. You notice I didn't ask you that because the irrational feelings of parents are just something that usually get in the way.

[Caller]

Well, I'm. At what point do we say, you know, these are the things you need to do as part of the household when she's about.

[Dr. Laura]

As part of a contributing member when she's about 12. Until then, Mommy needs your help. You want to pick up that plate and bring it to Mommy? Thank you very much. Mommy needs help. You want to pick that up and help me with that?

[Caller]

And if she just wants to do everything for her, we should.

[Dr. Laura]

You think I'm going to say yes to that?

[Caller]

I'm just. I just want to make sure I understand.

[Dr. Laura]

No, that was a hostile question. You may not realize it, but that's a hostile question.

[Caller]

That's where I'm trying to navigate.

[Dr. Laura]

You just want us to do everything. You just want us to do everything. That's a hostile question. Even though you said it with a nicer attitude, dramatic changes generally means something happened. But you're telling me nothing happened. Maybe you better explore that a little more.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Rather than trying to make her conform, find out what happened. It appears that our expectations about mommying and daddying have changed. Or something bad happened and she's needing to feel safer.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Something happened. So rack your brain. Tell your husband to rack his brain. Do you have any other kids in the house?

[Caller]

No, she's our only.

[Dr. Laura]

She. Has she been at any. Has she been alone in anybody else's house?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, good. That's a good start. But figure out and at some point you can ask her. I used to talk to my son by. We'd either we'd lay on the floor on the rug in his room, looking up at the ceiling gently. You ask questions like, yesterday, you wanted to pick your clothes. Today you'd like me to pick your clothes. That's interesting. If you get kid. If you ask a kid why, they usually say, I don't know. So you just drop it out of the air like that. Yesterday you wanted to pick your clothes. Today you'd like mommy to pick your clothes. That's interesting. And since they're not being challenged, it usually means they'll start talking. But it scares me that you were elated with a kid who wanted to be totally autonomous at such a young age and that you wanted it to continue.

[Caller]

I think it comes from her being in the hospital bed for so long is we wanted her to be able to do the things she wants to do.

[Dr. Laura]

I see. Let me cogitate for a moment on that. You took it too far. You made a leak that because that was the case, that we should shift over into a kid who is in charge of everything because she couldn't be in charge of anything.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

It's too big a leap. I don't know about you, but when I get into a swimming pool, it's like literally one toe at a time. I know it's smarter to leap, but, you know, transitions are important. So she may just want more mothering. You may not have been aware of how much you were supporting that because you believed it was psychologically good for her and that was not a bad thing. I'm not saying that was a bad thing, but I think it got a little cemented into your head that this is the way it should always be.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

So it might. So as a transition, I would recommend. Do you want to pick the book or your clothes? I mean, this is another thing I gave you the lying on the floor. Do you want to pick the book or your clothes so we have that. Things will be done for her and she can make decisions.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

That way it's both worlds. Okay. You didn't do anything wrong. Your heart is always in the right place. I think you've been so traumatized by that hospital chaos and fear that sometimes it makes us a little rigid. We think this will make it better. Just loosen up a little bit. Actually stand up and jiggle your whole body. That helps your mind. Loosen up a little bit and you'll be fine.

[Caller]

Okay. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. I think this is mostly about how traumatized you were, which is understandable. I mean, we would rather our fingers and toes be eaten by a crocodile than see our kid hurt. You Know my number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media On Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've seen sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLauraprogram.

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