Why Is Our Son So Cold Toward Us?

Summary

Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Why Is Our Son So Cold Toward Us?

Date: September 16, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Ashley

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Brief Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura answers Ashley’s pressing question about her 21-year-old son’s emotionally distant behavior after moving out of the family home. Ashley, concerned by her son's coldness and lack of engagement, seeks guidance on whether she and her husband should do anything—and if so, what—to reconnect and support their son during this transition. Dr. Laura delivers her classic brand of straightforward, practical parenting advice, focusing on the natural transition to adulthood and the importance of stepping back as a parent.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ashley Outlines the Situation

• [01:57] Ashley details her son’s background:
  • He returned from college dissatisfied with the instruction, particularly professors’ overuse of AI and lack of free thinking.
  • Earned certification in a profession and started working toward launching his own business.
  • While living at home, he was responsible but emotionally distant: “His attitude towards us was not bad. It's just kind of cold and short and uninterested.” (Ashley, 03:18)
  • Ashley and her husband gave him 90 days to move out. He did so promptly and took on more personal responsibilities.

2. The Emotional “Explosion” Before Moving Out

• [03:04] Ashley describes a shift:
  • Just before moving out, their son exhibited "an explosion of emotion” and became markedly colder.
• She questions whether this behavior is cause for concern and asks Dr. Laura what she should do as a parent.

3. Dr. Laura’s Core Advice: "Relatively Normal—Leave It Alone"

• [04:34] [07:42] Dr. Laura reassures Ashley:

  • “Relatively normal behavior. Leave it alone.”
  • Emphasizes that the emotional distance and even coldness are part of the natural transition as children leave home.
  • "They need to make the mess dirty to force themselves to leave. It's hard to leave the nest...It's a lot to give up, but I want to be my own man...It's transitional." (Dr. Laura, 08:05)

• Parental Action Plan:

  • Don’t press for more contact or discuss the coldness again.
  • When in contact, "just be nice. Don't ask questions."
  • Instead, highlight the positive: “Just talk about how proud you are at all the steps he's taken and taking. That's it. Only talk about good stuff. That's your whole list. You're done.” (Dr. Laura, 08:40)

4. How and When to Reach Out

• [09:36] Ashley asks about initiating contact if her son doesn’t reach out for months.
• [09:36-10:09] Dr. Laura’s Rule for Communication:
  • Avoid generic family updates: “A friendly update is—don’t do that. It’s boring. He’s not interested in that."
  • “If you have a picture of a bird making a nest in the middle of your bed, take a picture of it… He’s not interested in updating about your relatives, dear. Nobody cares about that but you.” (Dr. Laura, 10:09)
  • Encourage sharing only genuinely amusing or unique tidbits that cut through the everyday and make contact lightweight and enjoyable.

5. The Transitional Nature of Leaving Home

• [10:32] Dr. Laura reiterates that Ashley's son is figuring out his identity, boundaries, and independence.
• [10:42] “It’ll eventually be okay. Calm it down.” (Dr. Laura)
  • Encourages patience and understanding of the process’s emotional bumps and chilliness, assuring things will normalize with time.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [04:34] Dr. Laura: “Relatively normal behavior. Leave it alone.”
• [07:42] Dr. Laura: “When Mother Laura says let it alone, she's probably not going to follow it up with a list of things for you to do… Just talk about how proud you are at all the steps he's taken and taking. That's it. Only talk about good stuff. That's your whole list. You're done.”
• [08:05] Dr. Laura: “They need to make the mess dirty to force themselves to leave. It’s hard to leave the nest… you want to be an adult and you want to have all the power for your own self. On the other hand, Mommy's paying for this. Daddy's paying for that. They're taking care of this. I live here free. It's a lot to give up, but I want to be my own man. But that's a lot to give up because she makes great mashed potatoes. I gotta tell you, it's transitional.”
• [10:09] Dr. Laura: “A friendly update is—don't do that. It's boring. He's not interested in that...Nobody cares about that but you.”
• [10:42] Dr. Laura: “It'll eventually be okay. Calm it down.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 - 01:45 – Ads and intro (skip)
• 01:45 - 03:18 – Ashley sets up her son’s backstory and behavior
• 03:18 - 04:30 – Discussion of emotional distance, “explosion” before moving out
• 04:34 - 04:40 – Dr. Laura’s quick assessment: “Leave it alone.”
• 07:24 - 08:40 – Core advice about parental role and how to be supportive
• 09:36 - 10:09 – Rules for post-move-out communication
• 10:32 - 10:57 – Final reassurance, advice on sending humorous updates
• 10:57 - 11:03 – Call concludes

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Flow & Tone

Dr. Laura delivers her advice in her trademark brisk, warm-yet-no-nonsense tone. Her responses are empathetic but grounded, focused on parental boundaries and the child’s developmental needs. Ashley’s tone is concerned yet grateful—open to advice and reassurance.

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Summary Takeaways

• Coldness during young adult transition is normal and often necessary for independence.
• As a parent, resist the urge to "fix" the relationship—step back, celebrate your child’s growth, and allow space.
• Only reach out with messages that offer genuine amusement, not mundane family updates.
• The emotional distance is likely temporary—calm patience and supportive pride help assure your child you’re there (but not hovering).

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For more: Listen to Dr. Laura Call of the Day on SiriusXM, and visit DrLaura.com.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Ashley]

Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome.

[Ashley]

I'm very, very nervous.

[Dr. Laura]

It'll pass, trust me. Go ahead, tell me what's going on.

[Ashley]

My husband and I have a 21 year old son who a couple months back I asked to move out. He had gone to college, moved back home. He's a very responsible kid. He does a great job.

[Dr. Laura]

He moved back home because. Why did he come back home?

[Ashley]

He moved back home from college because he was not impressed with his college professors. He felt like it was very steered. They didn't like the free thinking and the fact that people were paying fifteen hundred dollars a class to just use AI. So he came home and got certified in a profession and got H and wanted to start his own company and immediately took care of all that and had been working for a company to learn a profession and so he's, he's still working towards that right now. So he, he did a good job with that.

[Dr. Laura]

Excellent. I'm impressed. Go ahead.

[Ashley]

So at home, he had been at home for a year. He talked about you know, wanting to live on his own. We encouraged it and we try to teach him the different aspects of responsibility, of living on your own. And while he's living at the house, we had expectations to help out. That's kind of part of your deal. You live here rent free, but you're part of the team, essentially. His attitude towards us was not bad. It's just kind of cold and short and uninterested. So I said, you know, I think it's time that you move out, you take care of your own responsibilities. Gave him a 90 day notice, and within probably about 30 days, he found a place, moved out, and, you know, he took over some responsibilities. He paid for his car insurance. Now he took over his car insurance. There's little things that he's, you know, taking over. He's doing a great job. The question I have is prior to moving out, I would say within probably two weeks prior to moving out, his, his attitude towards us, well, there was an explosion of emotion. He, he just had such a crap attitude. We kind of called him out saying, listen, you always have a problem, so just move out and do your own thing. And he. That never changed. And within a couple weeks prior to moving out, he was very cold and very distant.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Relatively normal behavior. Leave it alone.

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[Ashley]

I. I've been listening to you since I was like 6 and I figured that much. And I have been leaving alone and I'm expressing that to my husband that this is part of the breakup with our kid. I felt what I'd like to know is, is there anything that I need to do as a parent?

[Dr. Laura]

No. I went. You know, when Mother Laura says let it alone, she's probably not going to follow it up with a list of things for you to do. She's just going to say, I know Dr. Laura very well. So she's just going to say leave it alone. When you make contact, just be nice. Don't ask questions. He needed. They need to do this. They need to make the mess dirty. To force themselves to leave. To force themselves to leave. It's hard to leave the nest. You want to be an adult and you want to have all the power for your own self. On the other hand, Mommy's paying for this. Daddy's paying for that. They're taking care of this. I live here free. It's a lot to give up, but I want to be my own man. But that's a lot to give up because she makes great mashed potatoes. I gotta tell you, it's transitional. Don't keep. Don't ever bring it up again. Just talk about how proud you are at all the steps he's taken and taking. That's it only talk about good stuff. That's your whole list. You're done.

[Ashley]

May I ask one question?

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, okay. Go ahead. Don't scare me.

[Ashley]

If. If. Thanks. I hear you saying, are you going.

[Dr. Laura]

To ask me a what if question?

[Ashley]

No, I'm not going to ask you what if. I was going to ask you that. Like, it's like, let's say it's been a couple months. We don't talk. I'm not supposed to reach out to him. Correct. Where we just wait till we have the conversation that he's initiated.

[Dr. Laura]

Send him a. Did anything fun happen at your house? Did your dog throw up on the carpet? Did a bird bring a snake into the living room? Anything interesting happen to you? Yes or no?

[Ashley]

No. Nothing. Well, yeah, so on occasion, and that's the only time I've texted him as I just said something like, hey, you know, my father in law moved into an ADU on our property and I said something about him. So I just, I do friendly updates once every couple weeks just to say hi.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. A friendly update is don't do that. It's boring. He's not interested in that. But if you have a picture of a bird making a nest in the middle of your bed, take a picture of it and go. Life is hilarious. Or look at the bird. He's not interested in updating about your relatives, dear. Nobody cares about that but you.

[Ashley]

Okay, okay.

[Dr. Laura]

He's in his own world now, so do things that are out of this world.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Jerry]

That's it.

[Dr. Laura]

It'll eventually be okay. Calm it down.

[Ashley]

Okay. Okay. Thank you. Appreciate it.

[Dr. Laura]

It'll be okay. But do send funny things.

[Ashley]

Will do. Absolutely.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Ashley]

Thanks very much. Appreciate your time.

[Dr. Laura]

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