Why to Put Kids First After Divorce

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Why to Put Kids First After Divorce
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: September 14, 2025

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Overview

This episode centers on the emotional complexities children experience after divorce, especially when parents begin new relationships that introduce blended family dynamics. Dr. Laura Schlessinger—renowned for her direct, ethics-driven advice—counsels a mother, her nine-year-old son (Colton), and addresses how post-divorce romantic decisions can impact children's wellbeing. The episode advocates for placing the needs of children above adult desires following a family breakup.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Colton's Experience and Feelings After Divorce

• Colton (9 years old) shares that his parents divorced when he was seven. He now splits time between his mom’s and dad’s homes.
• His mother is dating a firefighter who has two children, ages nine and seven.
• Colton admits to feeling "sad" about the divorce, and Dr. Laura highlights how sadness is natural, but points out the additional complexities and challenges that follow when parents move on with new partners.

Quote
Dr. Laura [04:04]:
"I think you're always going to be sad. That's natural. Now, mommy's got a boyfriend, he's got kids you have to deal with. It's not just the divorce... The divorce was the beginning of you having to deal with all the rest of this. And that's tough."

2. Parental Decisions and Their Impact

• Dr. Laura asserts that the difficult emotions children feel don't end with the divorce; rather, they are compounded when new partners and their children are introduced.
• She questions the wisdom of dating with young children at home, regardless of how “solid” or “wise” the adults believe themselves to have been.
• The discussion turns to the primary obligation of parents: safeguarding the emotional wellbeing of their children above adult romantic pursuits.

Quote
Dr. Laura [09:02]:
"It doesn't matter. None of that matters, okay? You're just bringing more chaos. Okay, doesn't matter that you need somebody—that's very secondary to your obligation to Colton, which is not to get emotionally subdivided with a boyfriend who has kids."

• Dr. Laura strongly recommends postponing cohabitation or remarriage until children are adults, emphasizing that children should not have to “compete” for their parent’s attention or adapt to a quasi-sibling rivalry in their own home.

Quote
Dr. Laura [11:04]:
"It was your choice to do this next step, and I'd ask you not to do it until he's 18."

3. Mother's Perspective and Response

• Colton’s mother highlights efforts to ease the transition, mentioning that she dated for a year without involving the children. She indicates that she and her new partner are seeking counseling about blending their families.
• She acknowledges Dr. Laura’s concerns and the validity of the points raised.

Quote
Mother [13:00]:
"Yes. Yeah, I definitely understand. And we've been seeking counseling from a psychologist about that, and I do not take it lightly..."

4. Children and Blended Families: Current vs. Future Challenges

• Colton says that, for now, he enjoys playing with his mother's boyfriend’s kids and feels fine about their relationship.
• Dr. Laura warns that temporary harmony doesn’t mean long-term ease—having playmates is different from living together full time with a blended family structure, and rivalry for parental time and authority can escalate.

Quote
Dr. Laura [12:00]:
"It's nice to play with those kids... but I was wondering if you think at all it might be different if you all lived in the same place... That escalates things. That gives that man power, and those kids have status, which I think at 9, we don't really understand."

5. Proactive Parenting and Final Thoughts

• Dr. Laura praises the mother’s efforts to listen and seek help, asserting the importance of anticipating future emotional complications rather than simply reacting to present feelings.
• She concludes that, ideally, divorced parents should date but not blend households until children are grown, keeping the child’s need for stability as the ultimate priority.

Quote
Dr. Laura [14:15]:
“What would I recommend? Everybody stays separate and for nine years they date. And then when the kids are up and out—get married. But right now, the focus needs to be on a kid who’s lost their parental unit and go[es] back and forth between adults who have new lives.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the cumulative sadness of divorce:

  Dr. Laura [04:04]:
  "It's not just the divorce. The divorce was the beginning of you having to deal with all the rest of this. And that's tough."

• On introducing new partners:

  Dr. Laura [09:02]:
  "You're just bringing more chaos... your obligation to Colton... is not to get emotionally subdivided with a boyfriend who has kids."

• On parenting priorities:

  Dr. Laura [11:04]:
  "It was your choice to do this next step, and I'd ask you not to do it until he's 18."

• On play vs. permanent blending:

  Dr. Laura [12:00]:
  "Having kids to play with is different than having them compete for your mom's attention in the house day after day. Kids cannot anticipate that. Adults have to."

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Timestamped Segments

• [01:43] Caller Introduction: Colton and his mother join the show.
• [03:40] Colton Expresses Sadness: Dr. Laura draws out Colton’s feelings about the divorce and new family dynamics.
• [04:04] Dr. Laura on Post-Divorce Changes: Discusses how changes after divorce can be difficult for children, beyond the sadness of the divorce itself.
• [08:21] Mother Explains Her Perspective: Mom shares her approach to dating and protecting her son.
• [09:02] Dr. Laura Challenges Mother's Choices: Pushes back on reasoning for bringing a new partner into Colton’s life.
• [11:04] Dr. Laura’s Advice—Wait Until 18: Urges mother to hold off on blending families until Colton is an adult.
• [12:00] Discussion on Blended Family Complications: Dr. Laura explains why playdates are not the same as full-family blending.
• [13:13] Dr. Laura Praises Mother’s Effort: Commends Mom for her care but reasserts the core principle: put the child's needs first.
• [14:15] Dr. Laura’s Conclusion: Advocates for dating without household blending until kids are adults.

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Summary

This episode offers a compelling, straightforward look at the ripple effects of divorce on children. Dr. Laura Schlessinger delivers her signature tough love, arguing that adults must make sacrifices to minimize the burdens placed on kids. Her advice to postpone creating blended families until after children are grown is grounded in compassion, pragmatism, and decades of experience, urging parents to delay their own gratification in favor of their children’s long-term emotional security.

Transcript

[A]

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[C]

Hi. Hi.

[B]

Hi. Hi, Colton, how old are you?

[C]

I'm nine years old.

[B]

And what would you like to talk about right now?

[C]

My parents divorced.

[B]

Oh. How old were you when they divorced?

[C]

7.

[B]

So did your mommy marry somebody else?

[C]

No, but she's dating somebody else.

[B]

He's dating somebody just recently or for a long time?

[C]

Recently.

[B]

And where do you live? Do you live sometimes with mom, sometimes for dad. How does it work?

[C]

Sometimes with mom, sometimes with dad.

[B]

And when you're with dad, does he bring his girlfriend along to do stuff?

[C]

No, it's my mom who is dating.

[B]

It's your mom who's dating?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay. And do you like this man mom is dating? Have you met him?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What's he like?

[C]

He's a firefighter and he has two kids.

[B]

Oh, really? And how old are they?

[C]

One is nine and another one is seven.

[B]

And how can I help you today?

[C]

Helping me with my parents. Divorce.

[B]

What kind of help would you like?

[D]

Your sadness. Tell her how sad you are.

[C]

Like my sadness? A bit.

[B]

Well, I think you're always going to be sad. That's natural now. Mommy's got a boyfriend, he's got kids you have to deal with. It's not just the divorce. Look how much your life has changed. Half the time you live in your own house, half the time you don't. Dad's got a girlfriend, too. I mean, you have to deal with all of these new people and compete with your mother's boyfriend's kids. This is a lot. This is not just sadness over the divorce. The divorce was the beginning of you having to deal with all the rest of this. And that's tough.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, Mom. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[D]

I do, Yes.

[B]

I mean, the divorce is one thing, but you're bringing somebody else into his world who already has kids he has to compete with. And I'm wondering why you would do that. Did you know that skincare can start in the laundry room? The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor All Free Clear Laundry Detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All free. Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists and allergists. For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear.

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[D]

Yeah, so, I mean, I definitely want to address. I've listened to you for a while and address the question. The Colton sadness is definitely. Aside from that we. The person that I'm dating certainly wasn't planned.

[B]

And ma', am, none of that matters. Do you understand the divorce was only the beginning of everything else he has to deal with. It'd be nice of you to think that it's just the divorce because what the heck, that happened already. But the further decisions you're making increase sadness.

[D]

Yeah, I understand that. You know, we actually were pretty wise about it. We dated for a year and didn't involve the children at all. And we saw a child.

[B]

Oh, God. What is the point of dating him at all? I don't understand.

[D]

Well, he's actually really solid alpha male.

[B]

It doesn't matter. None of that matters, okay? You're just bringing more chaos. Okay, doesn't matter that you need somebody that's very secondary to your obligation to Colton, which is not to get emotionally subdivided with a boyfriend who has kids. Because where do you think that's leading?

[D]

Well, it would eventually lead to marriage. I mean, I feel like we've been pretty wise.

[B]

That would be terrible for Colton and his kids. And you can't see that. Really? His mother and father tore his life apart, and now his mother is going to potentially have somebody else's kids coming in and out of his house with her, having to pay attention to them. Is there anything more we can do to a child after a divorce? Please rethink this. This is not appropriate for a child to have to go through. And you're calling me so I can make him not be sad? Of course. He said you would be too.

[D]

I do agree with what you're saying and that the sadness was definitely before we even introduced. We actually just introduced our relationship to the children we've been.

[B]

I think you're not listening because it's not happifying what I'm saying.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Not getting along made him sad. Divorcing made him sad. A new boyfriend with kids makes him sad. Going back and forth between houses makes him sad. Don't think it's only the divorce because that was just the trigger. The bullet went through a lot.

[D]

Yeah, I understand. And it certainly wasn't my choice to get divorced if I fought for a very long time to keep.

[B]

It was your choice to do this next step, and I'd ask you not to do it until he's 18.

[D]

Okay. Yeah, I definitely understand that, and I appreciate you listening.

[B]

Colton.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What is your. What is your thought about what I said to Mom?

[C]

Well, like, that he. That she's dating. It doesn't make me very sad because I like. I like his kids, and I play with them a lot.

[B]

And do you think it would be. Thank you for saying that. I appreciate that. That's okay. Do you think it would be different if they lived there full time and he got to be the parent and you had to deal with the kids in your home? See, that's what's different, and that's what people and even kids don't anticipate. But I've been on all sides of hearing these stories, and it's nice to play with those kids. I'm glad you have kids to play with, no matter where they come from. But I was wondering if you think at all it might be different if you all lived in the same place and then you went in and out. See, that's what you really need to talk about with your mom. That escalates things. That gives that man power, and those kids have status, which I think at 9, we don't really understand. And I know I'm saying all of this in front of Colton. I'm glad mom picked a nice guy to date, and he has nice kids who get along with you Mom. But you do understand that's very different than when you establish a household. There's no sibling rivalry when the kids come over and play.

[D]

Yes. Yeah, I definitely understand. And we've been seeking counseling from a psychologist about that, and I do not take it lightly, and I do completely understand what you're saying. They're valid concern.

[B]

Colton, you have a good mom. You have a great mom. Hope you appreciate she's a terrific Mom, I think you do. Think you do. All right. Thank you very much for calling. That was very good for prophylaxis, meaning I'm really happy that at this point, the man is nice and his kids play. That's entirely different from establishing them as some of the kids in the house and an authority figure. And that's where things tend to go south. So my job here is to help people anticipate. And of course, he's sad about the divorce and everything that comes after that. I mean, you can't fix that. Everybody wants to fix so they don't have to deal with consequences. You want to just fix somebody's feelings, especially kids. Let's just fix their feelings. But I think all of you can comprehend having kids to play with is different than having them compete for your mom's attention in the house day after day. Kids cannot anticipate that. Adults have to. What would I recommend? Everybody stays separate and for nine years they date. And then when the kids are up and out, get married. But right now, the focus needs to be on a kid who's lost their parental unit and go back and forth between adults who have new lives. 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit DrLaura.com, click on sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to DrLaura listeners like you.

[F]

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