Wives Need to See the Bigger Picture

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Wives Need to See the Bigger Picture"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: Wives Need to See the Bigger Picture
• Release Date: August 11, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Wives Need to See the Bigger Picture," Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a listener named Michelle who is grappling with complicated family dynamics that are affecting her marriage. The discussion delves into the challenges Michelle faces in balancing her relationships with her parents and siblings while maintaining a healthy marital life.

Listener's Dilemma: Balancing Family and Marriage

Michelle reaches out for advice on how her interactions with her parents and siblings are impacting her marriage. At [00:46], she explains her situation:

Michelle: "I'm married with three children."

Dr. Laura probes deeper to understand the extent of Michelle's challenges, focusing on how longstanding family issues have permeated her marital relationship.

Impact of Family Dynamics on Marriage

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of establishing boundaries to prevent family issues from adversely affecting the marriage. At [01:57], she states:

Dr. Laura: "You let it impact your marriage because you let it impact your psyche, your soul, your feelings."

She underscores the necessity for Michelle to make significant changes to safeguard her marital relationship from the ongoing strain caused by her family's behavior.

Describing the Problematic Behavior

Michelle attempts to articulate the behavior of her mother, initially using therapeutic jargon which Dr. Laura discourages. At [04:18], Dr. Laura urges clarity:

Dr. Laura: "Can we not use psychobabble terms and just tell me what you experience?"

Michelle then describes her mother's temperament more concretely:

Michelle: "She is quick to temper and she can say very mean things to people... she can become very moody and she can say things that are mean and she can storm off."

Dr. Laura's Guidance on Managing Interactions

Dr. Laura identifies the root of the problem as Michelle's inability to detach emotionally from her mother's behavior, which in turn affects her marriage. She advises Michelle to:

1. Minimize Contact: Engage with her mother only superficially.
2. Set Boundaries: If conflicts arise, express love and end the conversation until emotions have settled.

At [10:47], Dr. Laura provides specific strategies:

Dr. Laura: "If she gets out of line, say, 'I love you. I'll call another time when you're more calm.' Goodbye."

Challenging the Current Approach

Michelle reveals that her current strategy involves confronting her mother and limiting interactions, which her siblings disapprove of. At [09:07], she confronts Dr. Laura:

Michelle: "But here's the other question I have for you is I have no you're stubborn on this."

Dr. Laura responds assertively, reinforcing that Michelle's approach is detrimental:

Dr. Laura: "You are overly invested in continuing this dynamic with your mother... It is the only way you can stay invested in a mother like you have."

Understanding the Siblings' Perspective

Dr. Laura explains why Michelle's siblings prefer to avoid their mother, highlighting the negative impact on their own lives:

Dr. Laura: "Your siblings don't relate to her at all anymore. But this is how you keep a relationship going... The only way this will change is for you to recognize what I'm saying and to realize you can't have the mommy you want."

Conclusion: Taking Responsibility and Making Changes

Dr. Laura concludes by urging Michelle to take responsibility for altering her approach to her mother's behavior. She stresses that without making these changes, the toxic cycle will continue to harm Michelle's marriage and overall well-being.

Dr. Laura: "Your husband deserves better. You can't have the mommy you want... You are determined to be the one who has the power. Conflict with her. You're driven."

Key Takeaways

• Establish Boundaries: Limit the depth of interactions with toxic family members to protect personal relationships.
• Prioritize Marriage: Ensure that marital relationships are not adversely affected by external family dynamics.
• Self-Responsibility: Acknowledge the role one plays in perpetuating unhealthy relationship patterns and take proactive steps to change them.
• Seek Effective Support: If current therapy isn't providing solutions, consider seeking alternative approaches or therapists.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura at [01:57]: "You let it impact your marriage because you let it impact your psyche, your soul, your feelings."

• Michelle at [09:07]: "But here's the other question I have for you is I have no you're stubborn on this."

• Dr. Laura at [10:47]: "If she gets out of line, say, 'I love you. I'll call another time when you're more calm.' Goodbye."

• Dr. Laura at [15:52]: "You can't have the mommy you want... You are determined to be the one who has the power. Conflict with her. You're driven."

Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a crucial reminder for listeners to evaluate and, if necessary, recalibrate their interactions with family members to maintain healthy personal and marital relationships. Dr. Laura's no-nonsense advice encourages taking actionable steps towards personal responsibility and emotional well-being.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Michelle, welcome to the program.

[Michelle]

Hi, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. How can I help you?

[Michelle]

Hi. So I was hoping to get a little feedback from you as to how I participate in my family dynamic. I'm with, I'm talking about. I'm 50. I'm talking about with my parents and I have two siblings.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you a married woman with kids?

[Michelle]

I am. I'm married with three children.

[Dr. Laura]

And how old are your children?

[Michelle]

They are 9, 10 and 14.

[Dr. Laura]

And how long have you been married?

[Michelle]

Will be married 16 years this month.

[Dr. Laura]

And is your husband aware of your family dynamics with the women sister's mom?

[Michelle]

He is, yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Has this been consistent throughout your marriage?

[Michelle]

Yeah. So I'm referring to my parents and my sister.

[Dr. Laura]

I, I got that.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Your husband is having to suffer this.

[Michelle]

Yes, you could say that, yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Because you don't put a clamp on it. Somehow you let this impact your marriage because you let it impact your psyche, your soul, your feelings. You let it. Well, vows to him to love, honor and cherish. So I hopefully I'm going to help you find. I hopefully I'm going to help you find a different way to handle this so it doesn't have to drizzle into your marital and family life.

[Michelle]

That would be wonderful.

[Dr. Laura]

So tell me. That's what I'm going to try to do. But it's going to require you to make a big change.

[Michelle]

Okay, I can do that. So I do have a therapist that I see regularly.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, you know, if that had worked, we wouldn't be on the phone. So I don't need to know about your therapist. I need to know what the situation is and what changes you're going to make so this doesn't hurt your man anymore.

[Michelle]

Okay. But this isn't just about my husband. This is about myself.

[Dr. Laura]

For me it is. For me it is. Because you letting this for the whole life to 50 years of age, still letting this hurt you drools out into your marriage where he has to watch you never get strong enough to deal with this. That hurts him. To see you hurting and to see you not taking a stand and making changes so that it's not part of your marital life and your psyche. See, generally when you go into therapy for something like this, it's all about you and your siblings and your mommy. No, there's a bigger picture. You were supposed to walk away from all of this and you haven't yet. So tell me what it is that they do. Tell me what's going on.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Paint a good picture. Let me know.

[Michelle]

Okay. I'll try to do my best. Okay, so my mother is. What I've learned in therapy is there. Everyone has an emotional iq and I would say that my mother's emotional IQ is not very high.

[Dr. Laura]

And I don't know what emotional IQ means. Can we not use psychobabble terms and just tell me what you experience?

[Michelle]

I'm trying to do my best.

[Dr. Laura]

What you. No, you're telling me psychobabble based on being in therapy, which hasn't helped you.

[Michelle]

Okay, well, you asked a question. I'm trying to do my best to explain.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Now do it without psychobabble. Just tell me, what does she do? Does she spit in your cereal? I just need to. She could call you a terrible, ugly creep every day. I need to know what the interaction is that's upsetting you.

[Michelle]

Okay, so she is quick to temper and she can say very mean things to people. And then when she gets into. When she gets upset. And I've seen that when she's not. When she feels like she's not right on something, she gets very upset and angry. And then she can become very moody and she can say things that are mean and she can storm off and she can say.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I'm going to ask you a question now that I think is the beginning of helping you. Okay? You ready?

[Michelle]

I'm ready.

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[Michelle]

That's not. That's not the reason I called, though. I maybe. Let me. Let me. Ma' am my question.

[Dr. Laura]

So the reason you called, you just don't know it.

[Michelle]

It's part of it, but I had it. I have another question for you.

[Dr. Laura]

I go for it. I'll bring them, accordion them all together.

[Michelle]

Okay, so the way that I deal with her behavior in those situations is I will call her out on it. And I've learned to limit my interaction.

[Dr. Laura]

Mistake, mistake, mistake. If your therapist told you to do that or supported that, that's a mistake.

[Michelle]

Okay, then what would you suggest I do?

[Dr. Laura]

Let it go? Ignore it? Shrug your shoulders, Roll your eyes, Make a latte. Take your kids for a bike ride.

[Michelle]

Okay, I can do that.

[Dr. Laura]

Do not.

[Michelle]

But here's the other question I have for you is I have no you're stubborn on this.

[Dr. Laura]

Your husband has been dealing with you, dealing with this his whole life with you. He deserves better.

[Michelle]

Okay, but you're not letting me.

[Dr. Laura]

Stubborn.

[Michelle]

My questions.

[Dr. Laura]

We're not. I'm not finished. You're not finished? We're not finished, but I do this in part.

[Michelle]

Can I ask you another question?

[Dr. Laura]

You haven't asked me a question yet, but go ahead.

[Michelle]

I'm not trying to argue with you. You're not. You keep interrupting me and you're not letting me explain why I called. And you're making all these assumptions as.

[Dr. Laura]

To any of these assumptions wrong?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Tell me the one. Let me really tell the one.

[Michelle]

Will you let me finish?

[Dr. Laura]

Absolutely. I'm going to shut up now.

[Michelle]

Okay. So the way that my other family members deal with her is they avoid her and they don't communicate and they try not to step on her toes and make her upset. I don't do that. Sometimes I'll call her out on things and then I can.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry, where's the question?

[Michelle]

Let me get to it.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Michelle]

So my question is, my other family members only point the finger at her as being the problem, and now they're pointing the finger at me as being the problem because of the way I communicate with her, that sometimes it'll upset her, and then they get. Because they have to deal.

[Dr. Laura]

I agree with them. I agree with them. You keep engaging.

[Michelle]

You're telling me. Are you suggesting that I should also avoid her and not upset her and.

[Dr. Laura]

No.

[Michelle]

Do what they do.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. Yes. Minimize contact. Avoid is something different. Minimize. Call. How are you doing, Mom? What's new? The dog threw up on the carpet, Whatever it is. And if she gets out of line, say, I love you. I'll call another time when you're more calm. Goodbye. Your siblings are correct.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

And I go back to all my assumptions are correct. You're determined to be the one who has the power. Conflict with her. You're driven.

[Michelle]

No, I'm not trying to have a conflict. I'm just trying to be ma' am and communicate.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you know that I do know something about what I'm talking about? Can you take on faith for just a moment that I know something that might be helpful to you? You're stubborn.

[Michelle]

I didn't say you didn't.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, yes, you did. Because every time I say that, you go, I'm wrong. So I'm just asking.

[Michelle]

I never said you were wrong. I'm trying to. I never said you were wrong. Did I?

[Dr. Laura]

I think your siblings are cor. And so that would be the answer to your question. And no, I don't think you should. Zero. I think you should call now and then to be compassionate and nice. And if she gets out of line, don't bring up subjects that could trigger her. If she gets out of line, tell her you love her and you'll call when she's more calm. I think that would be a more mature way for you to handle it, a way that would make a difference in how she perceives you.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Because right now, you become the parent.

[Michelle]

All right. Well, I wish she would call you.

[Dr. Laura]

She doesn't have to appreciate her. I don't care what her behavior is. I'm trying to help you. You are overly invested in continuing this dynamic with your mother, and it is the only way you can stay invested in a mother like you have. And please tell your therapist I think he or she, if this is still your thinking, is way off. And maybe the therapist can change gears and be more helpful or you wouldn't have needed to call me. Instead of labeling your mother with psychobabble terms of emotional IQ and all that crap. She's a very difficult person to deal with. She's not warm, loving, and cuddly. She's prickly and punitive and argumentative. And your siblings have decided screw it. And they're not happy when you take her on, because then when they have to deal with her, she's all hot and bothered. They don't want to have to deal with that. So they're not happy that you take her on. And you taking her on is your relationship. That is your relationship with your mother. And I don't believe it's healthy. And I can't understand how your therapist didn't point this out. Quite frankly, I'm a little surprised. And your husband shouldn't have to be sitting there at home dealing with you being upset over the same thing again and again and again and again with your mother and your siblings. He's tired of it. He doesn't know what to do. He feels helpless. So he probably says nothing about it anymore. Because men, when they can't make something change or fix it, just sort of withdraw from it. But this is the dynamic. In my opinion, it's the only way you relate to her. Your siblings don't relate to her at all anymore. But this is how you keep a relationship going. You listen to it, you wait, it happens, you confront her, and we just keep going in a circle. The only way this will change is for you to recognize what I'm saying and to realize you can't have the mommy you want my number 1-800-375-2872 check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com DrLauraProgram.

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