You Can't Look at Life Through the Rearview Mirror

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "You Can't Look at Life Through the Rearview Mirror"

Episode Information

• Title: You Can't Look at Life Through the Rearview Mirror
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Network: SiriusXM Triumph 111
• Release Date: April 15, 2025

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages with Michelle, a caller grappling with the lingering emotional turmoil from a traumatic incident during her adolescence. The conversation delves deep into themes of guilt, shame, personal responsibility, and the pursuit of emotional healing.

Michelle's Story: A Journey Through Trauma

Michelle reaches out to Dr. Laura seeking guidance on addressing a painful memory involving her sister’s boyfriend during their teenage years. At 14, Michelle experienced sexual abuse perpetrated by her sister’s boyfriend, an ordeal that has since burdened her with guilt and shame.

• Background Details:
  • Age at Incident: 14 years old
  • Perpetrator: Sister’s boyfriend, four years Michelle’s senior
  • Nature of Abuse: Gradual grooming that escalated from unwanted attention to sexual abuse, including oral sex and eventually intercourse
  • Family Dynamics: Michelle’s parents allowed the boyfriend to stay over, contributing to a sexually charged household environment
  • Impact on Relationships: Michelle felt special being chosen over her sister but harbored resentment and shame over the abuse

Dr. Laura's Response: Challenging Emotional Patterns

Dr. Laura approaches Michelle's situation with a firm stance on moving past guilt and shame. Throughout the call, Dr. Laura emphasizes personal responsibility and the importance of letting go to achieve emotional well-being.

• Key Points by Dr. Laura:
  • Discourages Confronting the Sister: Dr. Laura advises Michelle against approaching her sister about the incident, predicting a dismissive or invalidating response
    • Quote [00:56]: “Telling her is not going to take all that away.”
  • Encourages Self-Forgiveness: Emphasizes the necessity for Michelle to forgive herself for her past actions and emotions
    • Quote [10:24]: “You’ve got to forgive yourself and stop the crying.”
  • Labels the Experience as Grooming: Clearly identifies the perpetrator’s actions as grooming and molestation, not consensual behavior
    • Quote [12:11]: “That’s what we call grooming.”

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Laura on Letting Go:

  • [14:05] “I urge you to stop the crying jags, to stop with the shame, to drop all that crap and say, this happened when I was 14. I know why. And it's behind me now.”

• Michelle’s Acknowledgment:

  • [10:05] “Yes. Okay. I do.”

• Dr. Laura on Personal Growth:

  • [17:15] “I hope so, because I'm starting to get ridiculous. You've got to stop me soon.”

Insights and Analysis

Dr. Laura adopts a no-nonsense approach, urging Michelle to reframe her past and focus on the present and future. She challenges Michelle to break the cycle of self-pity and to redefine her identity beyond the trauma.

• Emphasis on Present Identity: Dr. Laura encourages Michelle to recognize herself as a good mother, wife, and friend, separate from her past experiences.

  • Quote [17:44]: “Are you a good wife? Yes.”

• Rejection of Blame on Family: While acknowledging the dysfunctional family dynamics, Dr. Laura shifts the focus to Michelle’s present role as a mother, minimizing the impact of past familial failures.

  • Quote [18:54]: “Today you're the mother. So I don't give a shit anymore what your mother did or didn't do, because today you're the mother.”

• Assertion of Self-Worth: The conversation underscores the importance of self-forgiveness and moving beyond past mistakes to achieve personal happiness and functionality.

Conclusion: Moving Forward

By the end of the call, Dr. Laura successfully guides Michelle to a place of acceptance, encouraging her to relinquish the weight of past shame and to embrace her current positive roles. The dialogue highlights the significance of overcoming emotional baggage to lead a fulfilling life.

• Final Affirmations:
  • Dr. Laura: “This is who you are in spite of the ick.”
  • Michelle: “Icky history.”

Dr. Laura’s approach, though direct and sometimes stark, serves as a catalyst for Michelle to begin the journey toward healing and self-acceptance.

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Note: This summary focuses solely on the substantive conversation between Dr. Laura and Michelle, omitting advertisements and non-content sections to provide a clear and comprehensive overview of the episode's key discussions and insights.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Catch the Spring and Bloom event at Whole Foods Market with savings for Easter, casual gatherings and more. Save on no antibiotics ever. Meet best of season, spring produce, brunch, favorites, sweets and more through April 22nd. Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You, too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Michelle, welcome to the program.

[Michelle]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What's happening?

[Michelle]

I just want to ask your advice about if I should approach or how I should approach my sister, who's three years older, about an incident that happened when we were teenagers involving her boyfriend at the time.

[Dr. Laura]

And the point, the goal would be, the reason you'd like to do this is in one sentence. The reason I'd like to do this now is.

[Michelle]

Because it just eats away at me every day almost. And the guilt and the shame, and I don't know if.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No. Telling her is not going to take all that away. Especially if her response is, that's bullshit. That's a lie. That's an exaggeration. Let it go. Yeah, that's not going to help. I think so. Hold on a second. Work with me, okay? Work with me. All right? I know this is emotional, but you keep jumping around or jumping ahead, I can't help you as well. So did she personally do something to you?

[Michelle]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

So her boyfriend did something to you?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And yes or no question. Did you ever tell anybody the boyfriend did something to you?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry. Was that. Yes.

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Who did you tell at that time?

[Michelle]

Friends.

[Dr. Laura]

So you tell.

[Michelle]

I believe one of the friends. Yes. I believe one of the friends that I did tell told my sister because she was kind of a Gossip Girl and I shouldn't have told her, but I did.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, we. That's not proof. I think. I think. I think is never a fact.

[Michelle]

Well, I heard her on the phone when we were young telling one of her friends about it, and it scared me, and I just didn't even want to go there. And I just went in my room and I just.

[Dr. Laura]

So you didn't talk to your parents? You didn't talk to a teacher? See, I never really understand this.

[Michelle]

Scared of what?

[Dr. Laura]

You were the one who was attacked or you were a participant, in which case you'd feel ashamed.

[Michelle]

If I can explain that more to.

[Dr. Laura]

You, go for it.

[Michelle]

So my sister is three years older at the time. Her boyfriend was a year older than her. So four years older than me, I think I was 14 at the time when it started. He was going to sleep at our house.

[Dr. Laura]

This was an ongoing relationship between you and him?

[Michelle]

It started by him coming into my room when she would be taking a shower and just being, you know, charming and giving the attention. It didn't start right away. It took time. And then eventually it led to him convincing me to give him oral sex, you know, in my bedroom.

[Dr. Laura]

And over what period of time was oral sex the only thing that happened? Or was there intercourse or other stuff?

[Michelle]

It eventually led to intercourse. Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

So how. How old were you when this seemed to stop?

[Michelle]

I think I was 14 when he first started coming into my room. And I think maybe a year, because then I ended up getting a boyfriend in high school and ignored him and just fizzled out.

[Dr. Laura]

But he would have been when you. When you got him. Yeah. I understand that that was wholly illegal, but listen to what you just said. I had a boyfriend. So I told him. That's it. Which means you had control all the time.

[Michelle]

That's why I didn't tell. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

He was not attacking you. He groomed you, but he didn't attack.

[Michelle]

I know that. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So I don't understand the point of telling her. You might want to go into therapy and talk about this at greater length. But if you want to go tell her, I think you're going to be very disappointed because she's going to say, but you participated. And when you decided you didn't want to do it anymore, it stopped. So I don't see how that's going to help you. Besides, there's a lot of sibling rivalry involved in something like this. Do you realize? Yes, you do realize. He was having sex with you behind her back?

[Michelle]

Wasn't that delicious?

[Dr. Laura]

So good.

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Michelle]

Shoot. No.

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Michelle]

Yeah.

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

This is where sibling rivalry.

[Michelle]

And I'm told. I've talked.

[Dr. Laura]

I've talked to understand what I.

[Michelle]

And you know.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. That sibling rivalry. And you didn't feel comfort. Ben, your parents were letting him be in the house, so they were sexualizing both their daughters. So your mother's kind of a skank for doing this. And your dad also. So you come from a very screwed up family, so your behavior was not a surprise.

[Michelle]

And I've talked to my mom about it as adults, because, like, as adults, me and my sister, we're super close now. And I think that's part of, like, why I want to talk to her about it, just to get it off.

[Dr. Laura]

Go ahead. But it's not. You told me you wanted to do this to get rid of the shame and the guilt and the discomfort. It will not do that.

[Michelle]

And I've talked to my mom and I've said, like, you know, like, ma'am.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't talk to your mom. And that. And you still ended up calling me. Then evidently, that was not sufficient. So can we Just stay with you and me right now.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

At some point, you need to forgive yourself that you got invested in this because you were emotionally needy. And sibling rivalry wasn't a bad issue either. So at some point, you've got to forgive yourself and stop the crying. Stop the crying. Stop it. Stop it right now in this conversation. Stop it. You are 14 years old. Your family is ridiculously sexualizing their home. You didn't feel safe talking to them. And there was something exciting about being chosen by him against your sister's back, behind your sister's back. It made you feel special. You have to admit to all of that before you can let it go.

[Michelle]

Yes. Okay. I do.

[Dr. Laura]

So say it all out loud for me now.

[Michelle]

I admit that I liked the attention, even though I knew it was wrong.

[Dr. Laura]

Right. Go ahead.

[Michelle]

And, you know, my parents should not have allowed him to sleep over. I was never allowed boyfriends to sleep over, but she was. And I think they probably knew they screwed up with her. So when it came to me, they put their foot down, which I'm glad they did. I just feel so much shame that I can't get rid of.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so you're doing the crying shame thing again. That's just a terrible deep hole that you keep throwing yourself back into even talking to me.

[Michelle]

Because. I don't know, why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I tell them?

[Dr. Laura]

Because. Let's go back to the beginning of what you just said. Why didn't I do anything about it? Because. Go ahead.

[Michelle]

I don't know.

[Dr. Laura]

You just explained why.

[Michelle]

Because I.

[Dr. Laura]

You said you were getting attention.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Did you forget? You said.

[Michelle]

That's still wrong. Still wrong, though.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, but still wrong. You were molested. You were groomed and molested. And the reason. Yes. Even though you agree to it legally, that was molestation.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

Because it didn't happen the first time you came into my room. It probably.

[Dr. Laura]

I know you, honey. I heard all of that. That's what we call grooming.

[Michelle]

Yeah. So you don't think there's any point in talking to her about it as adults?

[Dr. Laura]

No. If you want to. Okay. But I don't. I think that the goal you want is not attainable that way. The goal you want is more attainable with what I'm trying to do with you right now. You were 14. He was 18. This is legal molestation. You were groomed. He's a piece of shit. Your parents were sexualizing the house. You were having sibling rivalry because he's flirting with you and you've got this on your bigger sister, but you're 14, for God's sake. How mature is a 14 year old? How mature is a 14 year old, so this crying jags and the shame jags, you got to cut that crap because it's cutting into the quality of the rest of your life.

[Michelle]

Yes, it is.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. This is history. And you understand why you did it?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

One, you did it because you were molested. Two, you did it because you got unbelievable intimate attention, which I suspect you were not getting from your folks. And you got to compete with your sister and beat her. And when you decided you had a boyfriend, you didn't need him anymore, he was gone. So you did the right thing at that point. It was wrong all the way around. But he has the majority of the responsibility because he was more mature. Well, older.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So I urge you to stop the crying jags, to stop with the shame, to drop all that crap and say, this happened when I was 14. I know why. And it's behind me now. Because I want to have a good life. And I don't want my life now to be circumscribed around this anymore.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And if she knew about it, why do you think she never asked me, even now?

[Dr. Laura]

Because she was ashamed and embarrassed.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Because she stayed with him.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, I know there are women like that. There are women who let men do their daughters and still want to keep the man. There are women who kill their children because some man says, I want you, but I don't want kids. Her name was Susan Smith. She literally drowned her two boys so that he would keep the relationship with her. There are women who do all sorts of things. Sweetheart, don't try to look for rational black and white in the universe. There isn't any.

[Michelle]

Okay, well, I won't bother trying to wrap my head around how to approach it to her. I just simply won't.

[Dr. Laura]

No. Let's get on with your life. What is your dream? What do you want to do? What do you want to be?

[Michelle]

Well, I'm a mother. I'm a wife.

[Dr. Laura]

Agonizing over this get you closer to peace and serenity and happiness and joy and productivity. Does going over this again and again serve to have you be happier and more functional? Yes or no? No. Then it's done. It's done. It's icky icky. But it's history. Icky history. Say icky history to me. Come on.

[Michelle]

Icky history. Good read.

[Dr. Laura]

That's it. It ain't you now. It ain't you now.

[Michelle]

Never, never.

[Dr. Laura]

And make sure none of your kids feel like they need attention. Never.

[Michelle]

It's just.

[Dr. Laura]

So you're gonna go back now? You're gonna go back now over it? You're gonna go back over it now?

[Michelle]

No, but just like, how the brain doesn't even think long term. Like, I wish I just could go back and say, like, how is this, you know, I should be telling someone.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I want you to drive your car around town tomorrow backwards, looking through the rear view mirror. I want you to drive looking through the rear view mirror because that's what you think you should be doing in life. I'm driving the car forward, but I'm looking through the rearview mirror because that was icky.

[Michelle]

I get it. I get it. I get what you're saying.

[Dr. Laura]

I hope so, because I'm starting to get ridiculous. You've got to stop me soon.

[Michelle]

Thank you, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura]

No, you're fine. You're fine. Just drop this as a center point to your life. It's not important anymore. Are you a good woman?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you a good mommy?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you a good wife?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you a good friend?

[Michelle]

Yep.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you a good neighbor?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Then why do we have to go back over this crap anymore? It ain't you ba. No, it's a habit. It's a habit right now. It's a habit. You still think that's who you are? No. This is who you are right now. This is who you are in spite of the ick.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Just a stupid kid.

[Dr. Laura]

All kids are stupid. We all are stupid as kids. Come on. Takes time for the brain to develop and to have experiences. And that's why parents are not supposed to have sexual crap going on in their house with their children and not pay attention to their kids and not be more invested and involved.

[Michelle]

Yeah, like, they just shouldn't have allowed him to sleep over, Period.

[Dr. Laura]

Right. But that's then. But that's then. Today you're the mother. So I don't give a shit anymore what your mother did or didn't do, because today you're the mother. Okay?

[Michelle]

Oh, yes. That would never go down in my house. Never.

[Dr. Laura]

No, thank you.

[Michelle]

Okay, we're done.

[Dr. Laura]

Don't overdo that either. But we're done. You think we're done? Then say we're done.

[Michelle]

Yeah, we're done.

[Dr. Laura]

We're done. Now say it more affirmatively. Done.

[Michelle]

We're done.

[Dr. Laura]

No, we're done.

[Michelle]

We're done.

[Dr. Laura]

That's it. Okay. Thank you for your call. My number, 1-800-375-2872, I'm not totally done yet. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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