You Don't Have to Tolerate Abuse

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You Don't Have to Tolerate Abuse"

The Dr. Laura Podcast — February 20, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Main Caller: Regina (Wife, married 39 years)

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Overview

This episode of The Dr. Laura Podcast tackles the difficult subject of enduring emotional and verbal abuse in long-term marriages. Dr. Laura speaks candidly to a caller, Regina, about her 39-year marriage marked by her husband’s persistent rude and belittling behavior. Through compassionate but firm conversation, Dr. Laura explores the roots of the caller’s endurance, its impact on her family, and the courageous steps necessary to reclaim dignity and happiness. The main theme: You do not have to tolerate abuse, and change is possible—even after decades.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Description of the Problem

• Background (02:01–02:35):
  • Regina describes her husband as often rude; examples include picking on her for leaving lights on.
  • This rude, critical behavior has been ongoing for many years.

2. History of the Relationship (02:37–05:08):

• Dating and Early Marriage:

  • Relationship started off “nice,” with polite and friendly interactions.
  • They dated for about 10-11 months before marrying; no early arguments or problems.
  • First child arrived about three years into the marriage.

• Shift in Behavior:

  • Rudeness and agitation began to manifest 20–25 years into the marriage (“over 25 years,” 05:01).
  • Early years described as peaceful, but things deteriorated notably over time.

3. Caller’s Reason for Staying (05:17–05:40):

• Regina stayed primarily for the children and because “divorce or separation was never in my heart.”
• She saw endurance as part of marital duty.

4. Impact on Children and Family (05:42–09:03):

• Children’s Perspective (08:46):

  • Regina’s adult son described the household as “very harsh” and “abusive,” especially in how the father talked.

• Dr. Laura’s Response:

  • Dr. Laura stresses how staying in an abusive situation harms children:

    “When a woman allows that kind of behavior from the father of her children, her husband, it damages the kids.” (09:03)

5. Intervention Options and Dr. Laura’s Advice (09:03–10:55):

• Dr. Laura suggests that separation or leaving is the only viable option because,

  “He has no reason not to treat you like this...If you want to have a different life between now and dead, you’re going to have to make the change.” (09:03–10:04)

• Dr. Laura dismisses the idea that “talking it out” with her husband will change things; he is content and sees no need to change (10:09).

6. On Setting Boundaries (10:23–10:33):

• Regina asks if refusing to speak when he is rude would help.
• Dr. Laura indicates Regina has likely already tried everything within her power, and true change requires a major step, like separation.

7. Reflection on Denial and Naivete (11:03–12:17):

• Regina laments that the abuse was not evident during dating.
• Dr. Laura challenges notions of naivete, emphasizing self-respect and action:

  “A four-year-old knows when somebody’s not being nice to them...don’t tell me naivete, just a lack of guts to take control of your life. You let him have control of your life and he’s enjoying it.” (11:35–12:17)

  • She further points out,

    “He’s not a very decent man...he would hurt his woman, humiliate her in front of her kids...” (12:08)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Marriage is not where one is abusing the other. That’s not a marriage.”
  — Dr. Laura (05:40)

• “When a woman allows that kind of behavior from the father of her children... it damages the kids.”
  — Dr. Laura (09:03)

• “If you want to have a different life between now and dead, you’re going to have to make the change.”
  — Dr. Laura (10:04)

• “Don’t tell me naivete, just a lack of guts to take control of your life. You let him have control of your life and he’s enjoying it.”
  — Dr. Laura (11:43–12:17)

• Caller’s son:
  “When we were younger, it was a very harsh household. Like abusive dad, the way he was talking.” (08:53)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment Description | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------|:---------:| | Introduction of issue by caller | 02:01 | | Dr. Laura probes for when rudeness began | 04:36–05:08| | Regina explains reasons for staying | 05:17–05:40| | Dr. Laura on abuse and children | 09:03 | | Dr. Laura’s advice: Separation as only answer | 09:03–10:09| | Caller proposes boundary; Dr. Laura responds | 10:23–10:33| | Dr. Laura discusses denial and self-respect | 11:35–12:17|

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Tone and Language

• Dr. Laura adopts her signature direct, no-nonsense tone—firm, clear, and empathetic but unafraid to confront self-deception.
• The caller is hesitant, reflective, and expresses confusion, resignation, and concern for family.

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Key Takeaway

You do not owe it to yourself or your children to tolerate abuse. Marital endurance should not come at the expense of dignity, happiness, or personal safety. Real change requires courage—a step that cannot be replaced with wishes or repeated conversations.

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This episode is a vital listen for anyone grappling with difficult relationships, offering Dr. Laura’s tough-love wisdom while underscoring the power of self-determination and the potential for a better life, no matter how late it may seem.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

[e-mail] Regina how can I help?

[Caller (Wife)]

Hi, Dr. Laura. This. Okay, well, I've been married for 39 years

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

and

[Caller (Wife)]

my husband, he many of it. Mostly most of the time he is voodoo.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

When I say rude is it could

[Caller (Wife)]

be the first thing in the morning, oh, the lights were on and you

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

were the last one.

[Caller (Wife)]

Why did you, you know, why didn't

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

you turn them off?

[Caller (Wife)]

Like, he'll say like, like.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, and at what time in your marriage did this rude behavior demonstrate itself? When did this start?

[Caller (Wife)]

I guess I have to say many years ago.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, many is not useful number for me. If you would think back over meeting him, dating him, getting married, having kids. So take me back as to how he was when you were dating.

[Caller (Wife)]

Oh, when we Were dating, You know, everything was nice.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

We would just talk politely with each other. We would. We're very friendly. And the way we speak. Well, the way he would speak with me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Nice. And how long did you date before you married?

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

How long did I date?

[Caller (Wife)]

I date him about. About, I don't know, 10, 11 months.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, I was pretty short.

[Jamie Syer]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And then you got married. How did planning the wedding go?

[Caller (Wife)]

Oh, that worked. That was not a problem either.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

He. He was okay.

[Caller (Wife)]

You know, we didn't have arguments.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

We. Wonderful.

[Jamie Syer]

And how long are you married before

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

a child was born?

[Caller (Wife)]

About three years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah.

[Jamie Syer]

And between the marriage and the child

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

is born, how was he then?

[Caller (Wife)]

He was pretty good.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

Bearable.

[Caller (Wife)]

I mean.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

Yeah, good.

[Caller (Wife)]

In other words, bearable.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry, what do you mean by bearable?

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

[Caller (Wife)]

He was. He was good to me. We didn't.

[Jamie Syer]

We.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

He didn't.

[Caller (Wife)]

He wasn't rude like that. He.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

You know, it was a mucher peaceful

[Caller (Wife)]

time than now where we.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

We didn't really argue.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And then when did you notice that he started being agitated and irritable and mean? When did that happen?

[Caller (Wife)]

I would have to say, Mary.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

39, 40.

[Caller (Wife)]

I would have to say over 20 some years.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

Over 25 years.

[Caller (Wife)]

Over 25 years, probably, or, you know, within many years.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

Around that time.

[Caller (Wife)]

25. Could be 25 years or 20 years. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why did you stay?

[Caller (Wife)]

Well, I was, you know, I had children with him, and so I felt that, well, divorce or separation was never.

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

In my heart.

[Caller (Wife)]

I always thought, okay, marriages is to be there.

[Jamie Syer]

Marriage is not where one is abusing the other.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's not a marriage. And have the children ever commented about how you two behave with each other

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

now or then?

[Jamie Syer]

Ever?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'll take both.

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[Caller (Wife, continued)]

Yeah, well, I have a son who's. Who's married 33 years of age. He will say mom.

[Caller (Wife)]

When we were younger, it was a very harsh household. Like abusive dad, the way he was talking.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So I took a call from a woman who was one of the children of a situation like this, like you're talking about your son. And as I said, when a woman allows that kind of behavior from the father of her children, her husband, it damages the kids. And having a million excuses like it wasn't in my heart to have a separation continued, the damaging. So basically the only option you have is to leave. And it doesn't have to be a divorce, it can be a legal separation. But he sees no reason not to treat you like this, thinks it's perfectly fine, you earned it, you deserve it. He gets away with it. He's good with it. He's not going to stop it if you Want to have a different life between now and dead, you're going to have to make the change. The quality of your life from this point on depends upon how courageous you are.

[Caller (Wife)]

So in other words, there's not, there's

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

no ways, different ways that I can

[Caller (Wife)]

speak with him or talk to him

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

or how he's perfectly fine that way. He has no need to change, he's content.

[Caller (Wife)]

Would it help if I. Next time he's rude to not to speak with him, I'll say I'm not

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

going to speak to you until you

[Caller (Wife)]

start speaking politely to me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And that I think you've said that

[Jamie Syer]

sometime in the last 25 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I think you said that already.

[Caller (Wife)]

Okay, I see. So I got my answer.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

If yes, you did. And between now and dead, you're one

[Jamie Syer]

year short of 60. I don't know how long you think

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

you're going to live, but between now and that number, you decide what you want your life to be like.

[Caller (Wife)]

Yes. Okay. Yeah, I. Yeah. The thing is, when you're dating, when

[Caller (Wife, continued)]

I was dating, none of this crap showed.

[Caller (Wife)]

So then I have kids and of

[Jamie Syer]

course that's where I just wonder how women continue to have sex with a

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

guy who's mean to her. You know, I don't find it sexy.

[Caller (Wife)]

I guess it's when we're very naive and not naive.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

A four year old knows when somebody's not being nice to them.

[Jamie Syer]

Kids come home from school all the

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

time and say, Mary wasn't nice to me. So don't tell me naivete, just a lack of guts to take control of your life. You let him have control of your life and he's enjoying it. He's not a very decent man. He's not a good man. That he would hurt his woman, humiliate her in front of her kids is just not a nice man. And you live in a country where you can get rid of a very nice man.

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Look, if you've got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them, transfer your scripts, refill them, and have them delivered straight to you. Migraines, managed allergies, alleviated dermatology, derma delivered ding dong. Is that your pizza? Nope. Walmart pharmacy delivery with a refill switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new delivery, not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.