You Have to Make a Change to See a Change

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You Have to Make a Change to See a Change"

Podcast: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: September 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger takes a call from Patty, who is grappling with the ongoing turmoil caused by her 39-year-old stepson's addiction and criminal behavior. Having just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary, Patty feels trapped by her husband's refusal to take decisive action against his son’s repeated offenses. Dr. Laura provides her signature no-nonsense advice, urging Patty to make firm, actionable changes instead of relying on empty threats or manipulation, and to reclaim control over her own life and safety.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background: A Marriage Undermined by Addiction ([00:59]–[01:43])

• Patty shares her 25-year marriage to a man with a 39-year-old son struggling with addiction.
• Recent events: After returning from their anniversary trip, Patty discovered the stepson had stolen her car, credit cards, and money, and had misused their trust once again.
• Dr. Laura immediately identifies courage and accountability as missing elements from both spouses' responses.

2. Dr. Laura's Immediate, Blunt Solution ([01:58]–[02:17])

• Dr. Laura: "The answer to your problems is something neither one of you has the guts to do." ([01:58])
• She advises calling the police and pressing criminal charges to break the cycle of enabling.

3. Systemic Failure & Emotional Exhaustion ([02:17]–[03:25])

• Patty explains the apparent lack of support from authorities, the judicial system, and even credit card companies, which fuels her feeling of helplessness.
• She expresses frustration with her husband’s recurring promises to change, which are never fulfilled.

4. The Futility of Hollow Ultimatums ([03:25]–[03:43])

• Dr. Laura: "Telling him you can't move on is bullshit. He knows you can. He knows your threats are meaningless." ([03:25])
• Dr. Laura stresses that ultimatums carry weight only if accompanied by real action and a willingness to follow through.

5. Taking Concrete Action for Self-Protection ([04:20]–[05:19])

• Dr. Laura suggests legal separation and living apart as ways for Patty to protect herself, without necessarily ending the marriage.
• Dr. Laura: "If you don't want to live like this anymore, you'll have to move. You don't have to divorce him ... you can get a legal separation and live somewhere else." ([04:20])

6. The Consequences of Weak Parenting ([04:28]–[05:01])

• Dr. Laura labels Patty’s husband not as a “good man,” but as a "weak man,” attributing the son’s failures to lack of paternal discipline.
• Dr. Laura: "He's a weak man, which is one of the reasons his son is such a loser." ([04:28])
• The son is described as having spent more time in jail than out since age 15.

7. Standing Firm Amidst Social Pressures ([09:36]–[10:33])

• Dr. Laura reassures Patty that her plan to move out (even while still involved with her husband) is reasonable, and criticizes the influence of others who discourage change just to keep things comfortable.
• Dr. Laura: "Stop listening to a whole lot of itinerant people who just want to keep everything copacetic." ([10:22])

8. Ownership and Agency ([10:53]–[11:25])

• Dr. Laura encourages Patty to frame this move as taking control, making it clear that she is acting to improve the quality of her own life.
• She suggests setting a clear timeline for her husband: "You have one year. In that one year you don't make there be a difference, I'm never moving back in." ([11:08]–[11:25])

9. The Role of Support Systems and Patterns of Enabling ([11:57]–[12:47])

• Discussion of Patty’s Al Anon support, with Dr. Laura questioning its ultimate benefits for her particular case.
• Dr. Laura: "So you can complain but not leave ... that's the game." ([12:25]–[12:37])
• Patty is forced to reflect on how support circles can unintentionally reinforce the status quo.

10. Final Thoughts: Kindness Versus Self-Respect ([13:08]–[13:46])

• Patty expects to hear she should be kind to her husband; Dr. Laura insists enough is enough.
• Dr. Laura: "25 years of this bullshit. What do you mean, kinder? His being kinder has left you in this and has supported his son being a bum." ([13:17])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura: "The answer to your problems is something neither one of you has the guts to do." ([01:58])
• Dr. Laura: "Telling him you can't move on is bullshit. He knows you can. He knows your threats are meaningless." ([03:25])
• Dr. Laura: "If you don't want to live like this anymore, you'll have to move ... you can get a legal separation and live somewhere else." ([04:20])
• Dr. Laura: "He's a weak man, which is one of the reasons his son is such a loser." ([04:28])
• Dr. Laura: "Stop listening to a whole lot of itinerant people who just want to keep everything copacetic." ([10:22])
• Dr. Laura: "You have one year ... if you don't make there be a difference, I'm never moving back in." ([11:08])
• Dr. Laura: "So you can complain but not leave ... that's the game." ([12:37])
• Dr. Laura: "25 years of this bullshit. What do you mean, kinder? His being kinder has left you in this and has supported his son being a bum." ([13:17])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Caller’s dilemma and background: [00:59]–[01:43]
• Dr. Laura’s hardline advice: [01:58]–[02:17]
• Patty expresses frustration and describes marital pattern: [02:38]–[03:25]
• Discussion on ineffective ultimatums: [03:25]–[03:43]
• Recommendation for separation: [04:20]–[05:19]
• Critique of weak parenting: [04:28]–[05:01]
• Encouragement to disregard others’ opinions: [09:36]–[10:33]
• Action plan and setting boundaries: [10:53]–[11:25]
• Reflection on Al Anon and the cycle of enabling: [11:57]–[12:47]
• Challenging the notion of “being kinder”: [13:08]–[13:46]

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Conclusion

This episode showcases Dr. Laura's direct, tough-love approach as she counsels Patty to move beyond warnings and make real changes, emphasizing personal responsibility and the necessity of actions over words. Dr. Laura dismantles excuses and social pressures, encouraging Patty to act decisively for her own well-being after years of turmoil. For listeners, this call demonstrates the limits of patience and the importance of boundaries when dealing with addiction and enabling within a family.

Transcript

[Caller (Patty)]

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[Announcer]

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It will be a sensation with scandalous.

[Announcer]

Twists and shocking revelations.

[Caller (Patty)]

Should wives have secrets from their husbands? Definitely. But not the other way around.

[Announcer]

The best is yet to come.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So off we go for our next adventure. I like the sound of that.

[Announcer]

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It's the Labor Day sale at Birch Lane, happening August 23rd through September 2nd. Save up to 60% off on classic furniture and decor. It's classic style for joyful living. Shop the sale at birchlane.com, a Wayfair Specialty brand. Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Patty, welcome to the program.

[Caller (Patty)]

Thank you. Thank you for taking my call. I am in a dilemma. I. And I really respect you. And I'm scared. I have an stepson who is active in his addiction and he is 39 years old.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And how long have you been married to his dad?

[Caller (Patty)]

Oh, that's the part. 25 years. And we just got back from his. Our 25th wedding anniversary. And it was absolutely beautiful. Congratulations and thank you. Yeah, it's hard those second marriages. And I am 61 and he is 79. 69. Sorry. And we came back to finding out that his son had victimized us again.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And I'm sorry, what does that mean, has victimized you again?

[Caller (Patty)]

He took my car and had it for three weeks. Put over a thousand miles on it, took credit cards out of it and money. We have a company and he was working for the company.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

The answer to your problems is something neither one of you has the guts to do.

[Caller (Patty)]

Oh, I have the guts. I'm just not the man.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You call the police and have him arrested for grand theft auto, plus the theft and everything else. You file a complaint.

[Caller (Patty)]

I. I did that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And don't tell me, don't tell me nobody cared because I won't believe you.

[Caller (Patty)]

Well, the only problem is the credit card company said it's not really worth filing a complaint because they're going to send me a new card and they don't pursued. They don't pursue these kind of charges. And this has happened before. And. Madam, my problem is I'm going, okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I can't. I can't help you. You've got to have him arrested? Yeah, go ahead.

[Caller (Patty)]

He's on probation. They won't. I'm talking to his probation officer right now, and they. They're not rescinding, and I don't know why he's on a bracelet again and everything. I don't understand the criminal side of this. My question was my husband and I are going to sit down this evening and we're going to talk and. About what? I'm done screaming and yelling. I want. I want to ask him how I can feel safe. And he keeps telling me that he's done. Which I've heard for 25 years at different times. And I'm doing therapy, and I asked him if there's somebody we could talk to. And he said there's nothing to talk about. And so I'm asking you. How do I kindly tell him that I can't move on? He. He invests his energy when this happens.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Ma', am, I can't move on. You've done it for 25 years. You just explained to me. I know that you've done it for 25 years. So telling him you can't move on is bullshit. He knows you can. He knows your threats are meaningless.

[Caller (Patty)]

This time they're not.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

If you're going to give an ultimatum, you have to have the plan and you have to mean it. You don't give an ultimatum, which you haven't suggested yet, but you don't give an ultimatum unless you're willing to follow through and there's proof demonstrated that you will. Then it might be motivating. But you don't do it to manipulate. Okay, so in other words, this is what I mean. If you don't want to live like this anymore, you'll have to move. You don't have to divorce him. You. You can get a legal separation and live somewhere else.

[Caller (Patty)]

I made a phone call today going that route because he's a good man. He just can't seem to realize it. What?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

He's a weak man, which is one of the reasons his son is such a loser. Come on.

[Caller (Patty)]

Yeah, he doesn't want to hurt his son. He keeps thinking it's going to be different, and I keep telling him it's not.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

He's a weak. He didn't help turn his son into a man because he's a weak man. But he's very nice. So I would assume you've had a very nice marriage.

[Caller (Patty)]

I get that everybody in the community.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

But this is not going to change. This is not him who needs it. You got to get out of there.

[Caller (Patty)]

Okay, that, that's where I'm going. That's where I'm headed. And that's what I think I'm going to say. But again, I've got Mr. Wonderful here who everybody loves and this.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

He didn't do anything.

[Caller (Patty)]

His son did it.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It's no, okay, you're wrong and I'm.

[Caller (Patty)]

On the right road.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're wrong there. He could have done more. He doesn't want to. Doesn't want to lose his boy.

[Caller (Patty)]

The one he's never had. Spent more time in jail since he was 15 than he has out of jail.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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[Caller (Patty)]

Okay then. I'm on the right road. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I have done everything I could up until this point.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Don't say I'm going to leave if you don't do something because that means nothing to him.

[Caller (Patty)]

Okay, I hear you. I do hear you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It's reasonable to say I've rented an apartment. Here's my lease. I made a year lease to give you the chance of squaring this out so I can be safe here. But I can't now. So that was in two weeks. I'm moving into this apartment and you have a year.

[Caller (Patty)]

That is exactly what I was thinking. But nobody else seems to think that's a good idea. Which is why I'm just struggling.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So what? Stop listening to a whole lot of itinerant people who just want to keep everything copacetic.

[Caller (Patty)]

Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And it hasn't made for any change.

[Caller (Patty)]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yes, you can keep seeing your husband. Let him see you at your place. Have him come for booty calls.

[Caller (Patty)]

That says all the things I was thinking. We can date. We can start over. I mean, I'll still make meals. We can still hang out together.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

No, it's not starting over. This is the next phase of our life because I finally decided I'm taking control. You don't want to take control.

[Caller (Patty)]

But.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

But I am taking control over the quality of my life.

[Caller (Patty)]

That's how I feel. That's exactly how I feel.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And you have one year in that one year you don't make there be a difference. I'm never moving back in. We can either continue like this or I can get a divorce, but it'll largely be up to you, dear.

[Caller (Patty)]

So that is. I thought that was a decent way to handle it and a good option, but everybody around me is like, that's ridiculous.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Who's this everybody? And why do you yap about your personal stuff to everybody? Stop that. It's very immature and destructive. You should be ashamed of yourself for doing that.

[Caller (Patty)]

I don't do it as much as you think I do. Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Have you told more than three friends?

[Caller (Patty)]

One good friend, my therapist and my sponsor.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Sponsor? You're an alcoholic?

[Caller (Patty)]

No, I'm an Al Anon. Because of the heroin.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're an Al Anon? You have a sponsor. An Al Anon. Who's the drunk? Who's the addict? Oh, this is because of your.

[Caller (Patty)]

Yes, because of him. The heroin addict.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Oh, my God. Let me ask you something very bluntly. What benefit has that been?

[Caller (Patty)]

I haven't killed anybody.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I don't think you're going to. No. I'll tell you what benefit it's been. So you can complain but not leave.

[Caller (Patty)]

Well, that's an interesting twist.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And that's why they all told you to stay. That's the game.

[Caller (Patty)]

Because if I leave, then I might not have to continue with certain other things.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Correct?

[Caller (Patty)]

Oh, that's interesting. That is something I had not given any thought to. Huh. Well, thank you. I'm going to go through what I was going to do. I just. I thought you were going to tell me.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Have a strong conversation tonight.

[Caller (Patty)]

It's going to be strong. And that's why I thought you'd tell me to be kinder. Because he's my husband and. Da, da, da.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

25 years of this bullshit. What do you mean, kinder? His being kinder has left you in this and has supported his son being a bum.

[Caller (Patty)]

That's how I feel. That is exactly.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It's not a feeling. It's a perspective. Perspective? Feeling. Don't use the word feeling. It's wishy washy and it makes you sound weak. Yeah. No. Okay. You ready?

[Caller (Patty)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You ready to go? Okay. You can call me back anytime. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger my number one, 800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit DrLaura.com, click on sponsors to take advantage of the special Discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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