Call Me: The Perils of 19th Century Etiquette (Dressed Classic)

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Dressed: The History of Fashion
Episode: "Call Me: The Perils of 19th Century Etiquette (Dressed Classic)"
Hosts: April Callahan & Cassidy Zachary
Date: December 5, 2025

This episode explores the intricate and sometimes perilous world of 19th-century social etiquette, focusing on Europe and America. April and Cassidy delve into the elaborate rules that governed introductions, social calls, and "calling cards"—all necessary for forging and maintaining relationships. With wit and historical insight, they reveal how these protocols dictated daily interactions and shaped social mobility, especially among women.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Proliferation of Etiquette Books and the Social Fabric of the 19th Century

• Explosion of Etiquette Guides: The 19th century saw an explosion in etiquette manuals and magazines, reflecting new anxieties about social mobility in growing middle classes post-French Revolution.
  • "Etiquette is the machinery of society. It is like a wall built up around us to protect us from disagreeable, underbred people who were used to take the trouble to be civil." (April, quoting from 1884 manual, [04:33])
• Etiquette and Social Standing: Knowing the ins and outs of etiquette signified "good breeding" and was crucial for acceptance into "proper" society; a misstep could lead to "utter social ruin."
  • Performance of manners was heavily emphasized; even minor lapses could mark one as "ill-bred" ([04:33]-[05:31]).

Complexity of Formal Introductions

• Introductions Required Consent: Individuals rarely met without a formal introduction, and both parties had to agree beforehand ([08:01]).
  • Unsolicited introductions were taboo: "Unsolicited introductions are bad for both parties..." (Cassidy, referencing etiquette manual, [08:01])
• Gendered and Hierarchical Rituals:
  • Women, especially, faced stricter scrutiny—introduced parties implied lasting social association ([08:31]).
  • Women’s reputations were considered fragile: "a lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the same facility as a gentleman can do..." (quoted by April, [08:31])
  • The hierarchy extended to age, marital status, and social rank; the order in which introductions took place reflected these nuances ([09:59]-[10:55]).

Calling Culture: Social Visits as a High-Stakes Dance

• Strictly Regulated Visits: After successful introductions, individuals could commence "calling"—a system of making personal social visits strictly governed by time, protocol, and reciprocal obligation ([16:06]-[16:32]).
  • Appropriate calling hours were generally between noon and 6pm ([16:32]).
  • The visitor presented a calling card to the servant, who screened and managed access to the lady or master of the house ([16:32]-[17:51]).
• Formality & Dress: Even in the most formal of visits, accessories like bonnets, gloves, and shawls were kept on; fashion reflected social ritual ([18:21]).
• Obligation to Return Calls: If you received a visit, repaying it within a week was mandatory—no exceptions:
  • "It was considered unfathomably rude if you didn't repay this first visit within the week." (April, [18:21])
• Difficulty and Drama:
  • "This just sounds exhausting..." (Cassidy, [10:55])
  • April adds: "Like the breeding ground for so much unnecessary drama." ([11:00])

The Role of Servants

• Servants required detailed knowledge of their employers’ social schedule and calling preferences.
  • "Upon no circumstance was a servant to admit a visitor inside if the person they were there to see could not receive them personally." (April, [21:46])
  • Failures of a servant in this role could reflect badly on the household ([21:46]-[22:32]).

Social Hierarchies on Display

• Visitors' status influenced seating arrangements; if someone of higher rank arrived, everyone else re-shuffled to reflect the hierarchy ([22:37]-[23:20]).
• Comparison to royal court rituals, e.g. Marie Antoinette's dressing ceremony ([23:20]).

Specific Rules for Men

• Men could not call on women without invitation ([24:35]).
  • A suitor would ask for the lady’s mother/chaperone, never for the lady directly ([27:47]).
  • Proper handling of hats, gloves, and canes was prescribed in detail ([26:29]-[26:53]).

The Calling Card: The Social Media of the 19th Century

• Simple yet Symbolic:

  • Simple, engraved cards with one’s name (and sometimes address); no coat of arms for Americans ([31:28]-[31:35]).
  • Women's cards had "Miss" or "Mrs." and were slightly more square; men’s were narrower ([31:35]-[32:44]).
  • Women carried ornate card cases, sometimes of silver or mother-of-pearl ([32:44]-[33:20]).

• Complex Messaging & Etiquette:

  • Cards could be left by hand, by servant, or by mail (increasingly so, late in the century).
  • Rules varied for how many and whose cards to leave for each household member ([34:57]-[35:01]).
  • Cards for mourning, with black edges, and other occasions ([38:22]).

• Social Display: Some discreet strategic placement of prestigious visitors' cards atop the tray ([39:11]-[39:50]).

  • Comparison to modern social media "likes": "Calling cards at that time function not unsimilarly to the ways that likes function on social media today." (April, [39:50])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Heaviness of Social Obligation:
  • "A lapse in this performance of manners... could be quickly chalked up to one's lack of so-called good breeding." (April, [04:33])
  • "This is giving me so much anxiety." (Cassidy, [22:32])
• On Exclusions and Gender Roles:
  • "A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his card. Indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except perhaps where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has called in person." (Cassidy, [33:48])
• Tongue-in-Cheek Societal Critique:
  • "Ghosting is nothing new. The Edwardians and the Victorians knew how to play this game too." (April, [13:52])
• Heritage of Etiquette as Performance:
  • "Knowing the ins and outs of this, quote unquote, really strict rules, this was an accepted part of her duty and her station and responsibility to her family, really." (April, [11:14])
• Comparison to Social Media:
  • "Calling cards at that time function not unsimilarly to the ways that likes function on social media today." (April, [39:50])

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:29] — Introduction of the episode's core topic and the dangers of breaking etiquette
• [03:03] — Overview of key etiquette books and special collections
• [04:33] — 1884 quote: Etiquette as "machinery of society"
• [07:02] — Why the episode will focus on "the practice of calling"
• [08:01]–[10:55] — Extensive breakdown of protocols for formal introductions
• [13:20] — "Introduction by roof": how party guests could socialize without formal introductions
• [16:06]–[19:37] — Mechanics of making a call and importance of reciprocation
• [20:18] — What happens when the subject of a call is “not at home”
• [21:46]–[22:32] — The crucial, stressful role of servants in social calling
• [24:35]–[27:47] — Special rules and instructions for gentlemen
• [31:28]–[34:34] — Deep dive into the significance and etiquette of calling cards
• [34:56]–[38:43] — "Speed round" with rapid-fire etiquette rules for calling cards
• [39:50] — Parallels drawn between calling cards and social media “likes”

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Engaging Details & Anecdotes

• Etiquette manuals weren’t just for dining or parties; they covered such specifics as how to write to the U.S. President or take Harvard exams ([06:06]).
• The “introduction by roof,” whereby you could chat freely at an event, but not acknowledge the acquaintance later ([12:07]).
• The rigors of a servant’s memory: expected to know which cards were for whom, not permitted to write names at private houses ([35:25]).
• Mourning etiquette demanded special black-edged calling cards ([38:22]).
• Playful asides and modern parallels—like April’s Friday night “calling card” research rabbit hole ([33:20]).

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Tone and Style

The episode maintains a witty, conversational tone, brimming with playful historical references, modern analogies, and frequent asides about the sometimes absurdly high stakes of etiquette. April and Cassidy blend humor with scholarly precision, making the past feel vivid, relatable, and occasionally anxiety-inducing.

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Conclusion

Takeaway:
19th-century etiquette comprised a highly structured, anxiety-provoking web of rituals, especially evident in the practice of social calling and the use of calling cards, which signaled everything from friendship to condolences to matrimonial intent. The episode uncovers how such customs, though alien and extravagant today, once shaped everyday life, echoing into modern modes of social interaction.

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For further exploration:

• Visual content on @dressedpodcast Instagram
• The podcast’s recommended fashion history booklist at bookshop.org/shop/dressed

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Transcript

[April Callahan]

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Please enjoy.

[Cassidy Zachary]

One of our favorite episodes from the Dressed archive of over 500 plus shows.

With over 7 billion people in the world, we all have one thing in common. Every day, we all get dressed.

[April Callahan]

Welcome to Dressed the History of Fashion, a podcast where we explore the who, what, when of why we wear. We are fashion historians and your hosts, April Callahan and Cassidy Zachary. Okay, dress listeners, I think that any of you out there who are Jane Austen or Louisa May Alcott fans are about to get a little bit of a thrill because today we are taking a trip back in time to explore the elaborate and prodigious intricacies of 19th century etiquette. And you know, manners may not be exactly the first thing that comes to mind when you think of perilous situations. But let me assure you that some of these codes which governed the social graces during this time period, and we are talking specifically here about Europe and America here today. Well, these codes of etiquette can be mind blowingly complicated and one false step, well, it wasn't just embarrassing, it could potentially, potentially mean utter social ruin.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Not to mention, these codes of etiquette were specific to gender, age and even marital status. So you had to keep all of these designations in mind with each and every social interaction you had throughout the day. Many of the rules governing behavior during the 19th century can feel a bit overwrought and even a tad ridiculous to us today. But at the time they were considered the very fabric and structure of society. To even begin to comprehend them ourselves, we we of course, well, we headed straight to the bookshelf for etiquette books of the era.

[April Callahan]

Yes. And we are super fortunate to have a whole slew of these types of books and special collections at fit. And I looked specifically at the following books. I looked at Etiquette for Ladies, which was published by Liam Blanchard in 1839. I looked at the American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness by Henry lunette from, from 1859, Social Etiquette of New York by Abby Buchanan Longstreet from 1884, manners and social usages by Mrs. John Sherwood from 1887, and manners, culture and Dress of the Best American Society by Richard a. Wells from 1893. Okay, that was a lot. That was a mouthful. And that cast is just the very tip of the iceberg in terms of our holdings. We have so, so, so many more, including also ones that are kind of like a blend of being an etiquette and also like a beauty guide as well. So.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Right. And the great number of these relate directly to the fact that these little books were immensely popular at the time. The beginning of the 19th century saw an explosion of not only etiquette books onto the market, but also ladies magazines, which frequently codified and coached their readers into their finer points of, quote, unquote, proper behavior. And in the wake of the French Revolution, the spread of democratic and republican forms of government really spurred the growth of the middle classes. And with all that brand new upward mobility came increased tensions and anxieties over one's social standing.

[April Callahan]

Quote. Etiquette is the machinery of society. It is like a wall built up around us to protect us from disagreeable, underbred people who were used to take the trouble to be civil, wrote one source from 1884. So basically, anyone who was interested in bettering their station in life, a deft knowledge of etiquette was key to gain acceptance into the world of society proper, you know, and, and a lapse in this performance of manners. And I say performance because it really, really was. It could be quickly chalked up to one's lack of so called good breeding. And this is a phrase you see over and over and over again in these manuals. Good bre. And if one was deemed uncouth or quote, unquote, ill bred, that could also make you an undesirable acquaintance at the time, because basically anyone who was in your social circle was very much considered a reflection upon yourself.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Yes. And this rapid expansion of the middle classes in Europe and America during the 19th century is a big part of the reason why etiquette books were so popular at the time. As we just mentioned. So if you weren't necessarily raised in the know, you could just buy a book that delineated rules on the proper way to move throughout the world. And these books covered all sorts of events and occasions from things we consider pretty standard today. So like table manners, wedding etiquette, or how to console a bereaved friend. But also more than a few topics that we would consider while a little niche today.

[April Callahan]

Yes, and just a couple of my favorites include how to format a personal letter to the President of the United States.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Naturally.

[April Callahan]

Clearly we've all done right the proper deportment to have when taking one's Harvard exams, which I found this especially funny because this is the only university mentioned in this etiquette book and I believe at this time they was only men that could enroll in Harvard. So I guess the etiquette manual is saying go, go Harvard or go home. I don't know. One source I looked at had a hilariously titled section called Life's Shipwrecks. I haven't dove into this quite yet, but I remained most intrigued and I will return to that chapter. But last but not least is how to deal with, quote, low bred women cads, slanderers and scandal mongers. I mean, come on, you gotta love that punchy 19th century language.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Of course, there is no way we can possibly cover all of these topics in a single episode of dress. So we have narrowed today's focus down to what was one of the most integral aspects of 19th century etiquette. And that is the practice of calling.

[April Callahan]

And by this we do not mean placing a telephone call, because we have to remember that the very first telephone systems were really only commercially viable starting in 1877. And the adoption for home use was rather slow, I have to say. According to the U.S. department of the Interior, in 1900 only 3% of U.S. homes had their own telephone. So that begs the question, just how did people communicate with each other during the 19th century? I mean, letter writing, of course, that's a given. But there were also this other form of calling, these in person visitations which were governed by some of the strictest rules of etiquette.

[Cassidy Zachary]

But before we even get to the matter of visits and calls, we first must address the matter of meetings and introductions. During the 19th century, it was rarely considered appropriate for two individuals, regardless of their sex, to meet without a formal introduction by way of a friend or a relative. And even then, both parties were supposed to separately agree to the introduction in advance. Quote, unsolicited introductions are bad for both parties and this was stressed by one etiquette manual we consulted.

[April Callahan]

Yeah. And you might be asked why. Well, a formal introduction had the implications that the association between the two parties was going to continue. And this was especially true when it came to introductions to women. Quote, great prudence or action must always be used. But infinitely more care is necessary, as a lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance and with the same facility as a gentleman can do. And their character is much easier affected by the apparent contact with worthless and the dissipated. Ouch. That's rough.

[Cassidy Zachary]

The weaker, fairer sex, always the more impressionable.

[April Callahan]

That's right.

[Cassidy Zachary]

So once both parties had agreed to a formal introduction, it was protocol to first present, not introduce a gentleman to the lady. She, in turn, was expected to respond with a slight bow, a faint smile, and saying his name. So the person making the introduction would be like, Mr. Smith desires to be presented to Ms. White. Ms. White wishes to be acquainted with Mr. Smith. Then Ms. White would bow, smile and say, Mr. Smith. And April, this bow was absolutely necessary according to some etiquette books, which say that unless she bowed, the gentleman cannot claim her as an acquaintance. Yeah.

[April Callahan]

When we say some of these finer points are finicky, we're not lying.

And right now, in my mind still, so many historical period films are. Are coming into my. My mind. Right. And all of that formality is making so much more sense now because men were to be presented to women, and women had to formally accept that social connection. So that's between men and women. But, Cass, what about introductions between women? Surely these were a little bit less complicated.

[Cassidy Zachary]

One might think, but, I mean, not really. After agreeing to be introduced, in the case of the younger was to be introduced, but not, quote, unquote, presented to the older of the two ladies. If the two women happened to be of similar ages, their marital status now came into play, and the single lady would be introduced to the married woman. And if two women of the same age and marital status were being introduced, the one of lesser social standing.

Would be introduced first. Okay, this just sounds. I mean, it's exhausting.

[April Callahan]

Yeah. And also, like. Like the breeding ground for so much unnecessary drama. Right. What if you thought your social standing was higher than someone else's, and then you found out it wasn't?

[Cassidy Zachary]

It feels quite subjective. Yeah.

[April Callahan]

We also do have to remember that all this complications and, like, intrigue, that it was a rarity at this time that women of the upper and middle classes would have a job outside the home. So. So their role at this time was largely wife, mother, and also to be the social representative for her entire family. So knowing the ins and outs of this quote unquote, you know, these really strict rules, this was an accepted part of her duty and her station and responsibility to her, her family, really.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And I just want to mention one notable exception to the rule that introductions were always to be agreed upon by both parties in advance. It was always considered appropriate for a woman to introduce her children and husband without asking their permission first. Likewise, it was okay for a husband to introduce his wife without asking her permission first.

[April Callahan]

Yeah, of course. So now we're at this point and this is where things start to get a little fuzzy. Because social gatherings like teas, dinners and balls, they created a scenario where it might be possible that not all, all of the attendees have been formally introduced prior to the event. I know, right? Shock. So this is when what was known as, quote, an introduction by roof went into effect. And the gist of this cast was that all of the guests can socialize, or may socialize at will as a courtesy to their hosts. But once the entertainments had ceased, and as soon as they stepped out of the door, into their carriage or onto the street, neither guest who had interacted with it with each other over the evening had any obligation to formally recognize each other ever, ever again. Which is hilarious and strange to us today. And also, if they did want to continue this association or develop a friendship, this process of requesting a formal, proper introduction, that would then start from that point forward.

[Cassidy Zachary]

So what you're saying is that there's no meeting someone at a party and hitting it off and then texting each other your phone number to stay in touch?

[April Callahan]

Now it was way more complicated.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Yeah, you'd have to reach out to your host actually at this time and request to be formally introduced. And get this, if the other person did not feel the same way about you, they could refuse your introduction. It was considered entirely acceptable to do so if they did not want to pursue an acquaintance or friendship. And if this happened, the refused party would then be expected to pretend as if they initial meeting never took place.

[April Callahan]

Yes. So basically what you're saying is that ghosting is nothing new. You know, the Edwardians and the Victorians knew, knew how to play this, this game too. So it's pretty funny. Introductions weren't necessarily all that complicated. Right. The long and the short of it boils down to it's always best practice to ask a friend or a relative to inquire with the other person if they would like to formally make your acquaintance. And once that acquaintance was established it would then be expected that this dance of calling on each other would now go into full swing and calling being this process of paying personal visits back and forth and we're going to learn more about that right after this sponsor break.

[Cassidy Zachary]

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[April Callahan]

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[Cassidy Zachary]

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[April Callahan]

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[Cassidy Zachary]

Welcome back. Before the break we were talking about what happened after two women made each other's formal acquaintance and it was generally expected that the older woman or the woman with the higher social standing would visit or call upon the younger woman first and she would do so by stopping by her home between the hours of 2 and 6pm Although it must be said that different locales sometimes had slightly different hours that were deemed appropriate for making and receiving visits.

[April Callahan]

Yes, some of the sources that I read said absolutely no earlier than noon, but it seems Most agree that 6pm was the absolute latest. So Cass, you know, noon seems a little bit problematic to me because what if someone was having lunch around that time or even a little later? And this is actually where our servants come in. And servants play a really critical role in calling culture. You know, even many middle class households at this time had servants during the 19th century. So it was really exciting. Expected that a servant would be the individual to answer the door. And a visitor would then present her calling card to the servant and inquire if the individual that they were there to see were at home. The servant would then deliver the card to said individual and or the lady of the house. And if the person was at home and available, the visitor would then be ushered into either the drawing room or the parlor to strike up a conversation. It should be noted that it was considered very bad taste to socialize in this manner in the dining room, because the dining room was to be avoided at all costs unless it was a very specific type of social occasion which centered around dining, such as luncheons or dinners. So you're no hanging out in the dining room, basically.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And the very first visits between new female acquaintances were considered much more formal than those between longtime friends. And therefore these kind of initial visits were conducted with a little more ceremony. And generally, actually they were not expected to be any longer than 15 minutes. They were really a prescribed nicety that indicated one's willingness to cultivate the acquaintance, perhaps eventually leading it to be a friendship. And for these formal visits, one tended to dress up for the occasion.

[April Callahan]

Yeah, absolutely. And one thing that I found really fascinating is the fact that that due to the copious amounts of accessories, CAS as we know, which women wore during the 19th century, it wasn't expected, even on the most formal of visits, that a visitor remove her bonnet, her gloves or even her shawl when she entered the house. And we see this depicted in fashion plates frequently because there might be an image where a friend is dressed for daytime, like to the absence of absolute nines. And the other woman in the image is slightly more casual because she's in her own home. So once this very first social call was complete, it would now be expected that the woman who had received the visitor in her home, it was expected that she would repay the call within one week. And there was, get this, absolutely no wiggle room for this. It was considered unfathomably rude if you didn't repay this first visit within the week. And the two didn't necessarily have to continue as more than formal acquaintances after this point, the initial visit and the repay of the visit. But the initial call and the repay were really compulsory. You had to do this.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And I just want to interject and just kind of put into context that this is the 19th century. So pre cars that we're talking about. So, you know, this calling is often done with the requirement of a horse and a buggy.

[April Callahan]

Yep. You're taking your carriage.

And your driver. Yeah.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And the whole time I've been, you know, reading about this episode and this topic, it keeps making me think time and again of that fabulous TV show which we mentioned before. Gentleman Jack and kind of Anne Lister and Anne Walker make these copious amount of house calls to one another during their courtship and love affairs. So check that out if you haven't already.

[April Callahan]

That's so.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And some of you listening may be wondering, okay, so what if you want to pay a call and the person you want to see isn't home or is not available, they're indisposed. And there's actually some debate on this matter. Should the party not be at home? The servant was expected to say the lady is not at home and the visitor would leave a calling card as evidence of her visit.

[April Callahan]

Yeah, and we're going to go into greater detail about calling cards themselves here in a minute.

[Cassidy Zachary]

But.

[April Callahan]

But let's just get through these very, like, basics of calling. Cass, what if the woman is at home but she's busy or not available?

[Cassidy Zachary]

Well, some manuals say that the servant should still relay that the lady was not at home and that this little white lie was forgivable if perchance the visitor were to see the person was actually at home when the servant had indicated otherwise, they were actually supposed to pretend they had not seen them.

Leave a card and retire from their doorstep. But other manuals indicate that the servant should say the lady was engaged and also convey the day which she kept her at home hours. At home hours were, as we kind of mentioned earlier, a designated afternoon when a woman could be counted upon to be at home for the express purposes of receiving visitors, family and friends. The servant might say, the lady of the house is at home on Tuesdays. And as we continue on and learn how complicated calling practices could get, it will become apparent just why this might be necessary.

[April Callahan]

Oh, and just one other thing that I want to note here that upon no circumstance was a servant to admit a visitor inside if the person they were there to see could not receive them personally. So what this means is that a servant really needed to know their employer's wishes and what was going on in the house at all times. Because if they invited someone to wait in the entry hall to deliver their card or only to refuse the visit, this was in extremely poor taste. And upon marrying young brides or young newly married women were actually advised to inform their servants immediately after breakfast her schedule for the entire day, so that they could avoid any sort of mishaps with potential callers.

[Cassidy Zachary]

This is giving me so much anxiety.

[April Callahan]

I know, right?

[Cassidy Zachary]

Okay, so that covers initial visits between two new female acquaintances. But what if more friends or acquaintances came calling at the same time? Again, the age, marital and social standing came into play. When sitting in conversation, older women were always given the best seat, which in wintertime meant next to the fireplace, not in front, but adjacent to other ladies, then would be set according to the social hierarchy, with young unmarried women having the least status. And should a new visitor arrive into a drawing room where conversation was already taking place, the whole order of things would be thrown into flux. If she outranked someone occupying an honored seat, the whole group would get up and rearrange themselves out of respect.

[April Callahan]

So this totally reminds me of etiquette at the French court cast. You know, I'm sure many of our listeners have seen Sofia Coppola's version of Marie Antoinette. And there is that scene when she is standing there shivering naked. The queen is. Because a higher ranking lady just entered the room as she was being dressed. And it would now be that higher ranking lady who had the honor of handing the queen her undergarments.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Right.

[April Callahan]

You know, so it might not be as extreme as this and what we're talking about, but a whole hierarchy the same. And there was actually a whole history kind of behind these hierarchical structures of, of etiquette. So that's just between ladies. My question is, this is like, what if a gentleman were to come a calling, well, that had its own unique set of rules. And as one etiquette manual writer noted to his teenage nephews, to which he dedicated the manual, quote, perhaps few things are regarded as more formidable by the unpracticed than ceremonious morning visits to ladies. And just a side note here, he. He later goes on to define a morning visit as no earlier than noon. So I think he, he kind of really meets afternoon.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Yes. So the first rule for men is that under no circumstance were they ever to pay a social call to any woman unless invited. Quote, a lady should say to a gentleman if she wishes him to call, I hope that we shall see you, or I'm at home on Monday. And he then had an open invitation to visit her and her family anytime during regular visiting hours. And if a gentleman happened to be new to town and wished to make acquaintances, a letter of introduction would be necessary. So this would be written by a friend or relative who knew both parties on either side of the desired introduction and sent to the desired acquaintance along with his calling card, should the recipient of the letter of introduction, be desirous of the meeting, they would then reply accordingly. This also works similarly with ladies new to town. In terms of letters of introduction.

[April Callahan]

When calling, gentlemen were advised to, quote, take your hat, stick, and they mean cane by that, and right hand glove in your left hand, end quote. Prior to entering the drawing room. And this would really caspi in anticipation should the lady of the house rise and offer her hand to shake. So while bowing was the norm for first introductions, it was also equally common that a hostess may greet guests in her own home with either a bow or a slightly less formal handshake. So what to do with one's accessories during calls seems to have been a matter of some debate and consternation for men during the 19th century because it is covered in detail in all of these etiquette manuals. And for, for very formal, ceremonious visits, a man was not to remove his right hand glove at all. He was supposed to leave it on even in the case of a handshake. And to leave your glove on indicated the highest level of decorum, the highest level of respect.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And what to do with said hat, stick and gloves. Once greeted, quote, gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that when they pay morning calls, they must carry their hats with them into the drawing room and but on no account put them on the chairs or table. There is a graceful manner of holding a hat which every well bred man understands, or if he wants to use both hands, he must place it on the floor close to his chair.

[April Callahan]

And prior to sitting, a gentleman was also compelled to speak to each of the ladies in the room, quote, in succession, according to age or other proper precedents. Before you seat yourself, if there are ladies in the room whom you do not know, bow slightly to them. Also, if you are introduced after you have assumed a seat, rise and bow to them, end quote. I mean, I can't even keep this straight and I, I wrote this episode like, I'm so confused. So likewise, if a lady were to take leave of the room, if a lady were to to get up and depart, and if the gentleman was going to remain and continue the visit, he would also rise and remain standing until she exited the room. I mean, I guess, I guess maybe this would just come naturally after a certain amount of time. But this is really complicated, right?

[Cassidy Zachary]

And it kind of just attests to this, like, level of power and control that society sought to exert over people. I mean, it's pretty interesting how this is just one small glimpse into all of the rules and regulations that were expected of both men and women and society at this time, which we of course have covered in a lot of detail in other episodes. But this is a pretty interesting insight into kind of these intimate relationships or not so intimate relationships. Formal relationships, yeah. So one more thing, charmingly, should Cupid be the causation of a bachelor's visit, he was advised never to ask for the young lady of interest, but rather to ask for her mother or chaperone, who more than likely would intuit the reason for his visit and entreat upon the young lady's company as well. And when leaving the visit, it was considered proper that a suitor leave his calling card on the hall table for both the master and mistress of the house to formally mark his visit. These little cards were surprisingly versatile and used to communicate a myriad of sentiments, and we are going to hear more about calling cards and their usages right after this brief sponsor break.

[April Callahan]

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[Cassidy Zachary]

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[April Callahan]

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[Cassidy Zachary]

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[April Callahan]

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[Cassidy Zachary]

Welcome back. So about those calling cards. They were not exactly new during the 19th century. Notes One manual from 1887. We say that cards have changed less in the history of etiquette and fashion than anything else. They, the shifting pasteboards are in style about, you know, what they were 50 years, nay, 100 years ago. The plain, unglazed card with fine engraved script cannot be approved upon the passing fashion for engraved autographs, for Old English, for German texts, all of these have had but a brief hour. Nothing is in worse taste than for an American to put a coat of arms on his card. It only serves to make him ridiculous.

In fact, across the board, all etiquette books recommend this. You know. You know, the simpler the calling card, the better.

[April Callahan]

Yeah. So at their most basic, a calling card simply had one's name printed engraved upon it. And women were compelled to either use Ms. Or Mrs. In front of their name. It was kind of unthinkable not to do so because this, of course, indicated your marital status. However, men could omit the Mr. In front of their name because it was obviously implied. So it was optional, but also considered quite proper if one wanted to have their street address engraved in a slightly smaller script and placed at either the lower right or the lower left corner. And in terms of, like, the size, men's cars were generally a tad more narrow than women's cards, which. And all of this varied a little bit. But it's fair to say that women's cards generally averaged 3 inches by 2.5 inches, or if you're in metric, that's 7.5 by 6.5 centimeters. So it was kind of like a squashed square shape. But men's cards were far more rectangular. But in general, the kind of the size of business cards. Right, right.

[Cassidy Zachary]

And men carried these cards in a pocket. However, women were advised to carry their cards in a card case held in their hand, which was then in turn held with an embroidered handkerchief. And, boy, did some of these ladies do it up with their card cases. Let me tell you, there are exceptional examples that can be found. And they're created from mother of pearl exotic wood. Sterling silver was especially popular. And these silver cases were often engraved with ladies or the lady's name or initials. Some of them also included little chains, so they were almost like tiny handbags, but they were very flat, as they were intended to carry cards. Only.

[April Callahan]

And you can actually herself find a surprising number of these little gems for sale on ebay, these little calling card cases. If you want to tumble down the rabbit hole like I did one evening, you know, because apparently, Cass, this is my idea of a jamming Friday night, when you put on some pants, comfy pants, you have a glass of wine and then you start trying to research extant examples of calling cards on ebay.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Who doesn't love a good old fashioned research rabbit hole? I mean, honestly, when we began digging into a brief reference in an etiquette book from 1887, that's exactly what happened. It says, a gentleman does not turn down the corners of his card. Indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except perhaps where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has called in person. So. That's right, dress listeners. So far we have only covered the most basic of basic uses of the calling card to know an in person visit. But in practice, things got a lot more complicated. Sometimes they were simply left at the front door or delivered by way of a servant, or later in the 19th century, even in the mail. And they were considered a token of one's regard and oftentimes stood in as a proxy for an in person visit.

[April Callahan]

Yeah, and we could really go on and on about this for days. All these little ins and outs. So, Cass, I propose that we do a speed round highlighting just but a few of the copious rules and customs of governing calling and the use of calling cards. What do you say? Just. Just so we can get them out there into the world.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Right. Let's do it.

[April Callahan]

Okay.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Ready?

[April Callahan]

Set. You will go first. Okay.

[Cassidy Zachary]

In the first call this season, a lady leaves her own card and those of her husband, sons and daughters.

[April Callahan]

In calling on the sons and daughters of the house, every visitor should leave a card for the father and mother. If the ladies are at home, cards should be left for the gentleman of the family.

[Cassidy Zachary]

After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, garden parties, or at homes, cars should be left by all invited guests within a week of the invitation.

[April Callahan]

This is the real kicker for me. Are you ready for this one? A servant must be taught to receive the cards at the door, remembering messages and recollect for whom they are left. Because it is not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a private residence or private house to write her name on the cart. At a crowded hotel, this must be allowed, but not etiquette when visiting at private houses. So that means, Cass, that if someone was giving multiple cards to the residents of the house, the servant would have to remember who that person was that left the card for whom saying, like, you wouldn't write to this person. The servant was expected to remember all of this.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Oh, yeah. Servants were expected to do a lot of things. So, continuing on, after dinner, one must inquire for the hostess and pay a personal visit.

[April Callahan]

However, it is not considered necessary to leave cars after a tea. A lady leaves her cars as she enters the hall, pays her visit, and the etiquette of the visiting acquaintance is thus established for the year.

[Cassidy Zachary]

When calling on a friend who is staying with people and with whom you are not acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the house. And then there's also no lady should leave a card upon an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his having given entertainments at which ladies were present. Then the lady of the house should drive to his door with the cards of herself and family, allowing the footman to leave them.

[April Callahan]

A young lady's card shall almost always be accompanied by that of her mother or her chaperone. It is well on her entrance into society that the name of the young lady be engraved on her mother's card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her own card only.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Oh, my gosh. We could do a whole episode on coming women's Come young girls coming out.

[April Callahan]

We should do like a debutante coming out episode.

[Cassidy Zachary]

We'll do it. We'll do it for sure. So let's see, what else. If one of your friends has delivered a public oration, call upon him when he has returned home and tender to him your thanks for the great pleasure and satisfaction for which you are indebted to him, and express your high estimation at the luminous, elegant, etc. Discourse, trusting that he will be prevailed upon to suffer it published.

[April Callahan]

Okay, I don't know about you, but first of all, why is it a hymn that gave us peace? Exactly right. And I don't know about you, Cass, but my friends are miserably failing at that rule. I mean, you and I give public lectures all the time, and never once has anyone shown up on my doorstep lauding my quote, unquote luminous discourse.

[Cassidy Zachary]

That's because it's all done on Instagram now. Or through text message, of course. All right, this is the final home stretch. So we've got. Visits of condolence should be paid within the week after the event which occasions them. But if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after the family appear at public work.

[April Callahan]

Which brings up the point, Cass, that if you are in mourning, you are expected to have special calling cards which marked your being In a period of bereavement, and the books say, quote, mourning cards are surmounted with a broad black margin, half mourning ones, which is about six months in with a black edge.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Only that's another entire episode in itself. Yeah. It is bad taste to keep the cards you have received around the frame of a looking glass. Such exposure shows that he wished to make a display of the names of visitors. Which begs the question, just how were these calling cards to be kept? Generally speaking, they were kept on a little trays on the entry hall table and oftentimes the tray featured a fluted lip, kind of like a pie crust to keep the cards from slipping out as they piled up.

[April Callahan]

Yeah, and so while it might be in bad taste to put the cards up around a mirror, it was also not uncommon that there was a little manipulation of which card happened to be on top. You know what I'm saying? You might just conveniently place the card of your most prestigious social contact on top so that all the other visitors might see it and they would know that you had this social connection. And Cass ultimately working on this, it struck me really hard that in many, many ways calling cards at that time function not unsimilarly to the ways that likes function on social media today.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Oh yeah, it's just, it's been completely replaced, I guess in this day and age by social media. And like I said earlier, text messaging, we just communicate in an entirely different way.

[April Callahan]

We certainly do. And that most definitely includes our clothing. I think that does it for us today. Dress listeners, may you consider what your closet communicates to the rest of the world. Next time you get dressed.

Please head over to eressedpodcast on Instagram or podcast without the underscore on Facebook to check out the visual content associated with each week's episodes.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Remember, we love hearing from you dressed listeners. So if you'd like to write to us, you can do so at. Hello dresshistory.com dresshistory.com is also our website where you can sign up for our monthly newsletter, our in person tours and online fashion history courses. And there you can also check out whatever else we have up our finely tailored sleeves.

[April Callahan]

We get so many questions from you all about our recommendations for fashion history books. So if you're interested you can always find a link in our show notes to our bookshop.org bookshelf. So that address is bookshop.org shop dressed and there you will find over 150 of our favorite fashion history titles.

[Cassidy Zachary]

Do you love Dressed but want to skip the ads? We are so excited to now be a part of the Airwave Network and their premium ad free history subscription Airwave History plus and this is available on Apple Podcasts and the subscription brings you our podcast as well as 27 and other popular history podcasts ad free for $5.99 per month. More information is available at the link in our bio.

[April Callahan]

Thank you as always for tuning in and more dressed coming your way soon.

The History of Fashion is a production of dressed media.

[Cassidy Zachary]

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