Episode Overview

Podcast: Dressed: The History of Fashion
Episode: "Call Me: The Perils of 19th Century Etiquette (Dressed Classic)"
Hosts: April Callahan & Cassidy Zachary
Date: December 5, 2025

This episode explores the intricate and sometimes perilous world of 19th-century social etiquette, focusing on Europe and America. April and Cassidy delve into the elaborate rules that governed introductions, social calls, and "calling cards"—all necessary for forging and maintaining relationships. With wit and historical insight, they reveal how these protocols dictated daily interactions and shaped social mobility, especially among women.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Proliferation of Etiquette Books and the Social Fabric of the 19th Century

• Explosion of Etiquette Guides: The 19th century saw an explosion in etiquette manuals and magazines, reflecting new anxieties about social mobility in growing middle classes post-French Revolution.
  • "Etiquette is the machinery of society. It is like a wall built up around us to protect us from disagreeable, underbred people who were used to take the trouble to be civil." (April, quoting from 1884 manual, [04:33])
• Etiquette and Social Standing: Knowing the ins and outs of etiquette signified "good breeding" and was crucial for acceptance into "proper" society; a misstep could lead to "utter social ruin."
  • Performance of manners was heavily emphasized; even minor lapses could mark one as "ill-bred" ([04:33]-[05:31]).

Complexity of Formal Introductions

• Introductions Required Consent: Individuals rarely met without a formal introduction, and both parties had to agree beforehand ([08:01]).
  • Unsolicited introductions were taboo: "Unsolicited introductions are bad for both parties..." (Cassidy, referencing etiquette manual, [08:01])
• Gendered and Hierarchical Rituals:
  • Women, especially, faced stricter scrutiny—introduced parties implied lasting social association ([08:31]).
  • Women’s reputations were considered fragile: "a lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the same facility as a gentleman can do..." (quoted by April, [08:31])
  • The hierarchy extended to age, marital status, and social rank; the order in which introductions took place reflected these nuances ([09:59]-[10:55]).

Calling Culture: Social Visits as a High-Stakes Dance

• Strictly Regulated Visits: After successful introductions, individuals could commence "calling"—a system of making personal social visits strictly governed by time, protocol, and reciprocal obligation ([16:06]-[16:32]).
  • Appropriate calling hours were generally between noon and 6pm ([16:32]).
  • The visitor presented a calling card to the servant, who screened and managed access to the lady or master of the house ([16:32]-[17:51]).
• Formality & Dress: Even in the most formal of visits, accessories like bonnets, gloves, and shawls were kept on; fashion reflected social ritual ([18:21]).
• Obligation to Return Calls: If you received a visit, repaying it within a week was mandatory—no exceptions:
  • "It was considered unfathomably rude if you didn't repay this first visit within the week." (April, [18:21])
• Difficulty and Drama:
  • "This just sounds exhausting..." (Cassidy, [10:55])
  • April adds: "Like the breeding ground for so much unnecessary drama." ([11:00])

The Role of Servants

• Servants required detailed knowledge of their employers’ social schedule and calling preferences.
  • "Upon no circumstance was a servant to admit a visitor inside if the person they were there to see could not receive them personally." (April, [21:46])
  • Failures of a servant in this role could reflect badly on the household ([21:46]-[22:32]).

Social Hierarchies on Display

• Visitors' status influenced seating arrangements; if someone of higher rank arrived, everyone else re-shuffled to reflect the hierarchy ([22:37]-[23:20]).
• Comparison to royal court rituals, e.g. Marie Antoinette's dressing ceremony ([23:20]).

Specific Rules for Men

• Men could not call on women without invitation ([24:35]).
  • A suitor would ask for the lady’s mother/chaperone, never for the lady directly ([27:47]).
  • Proper handling of hats, gloves, and canes was prescribed in detail ([26:29]-[26:53]).

The Calling Card: The Social Media of the 19th Century

• Simple yet Symbolic:

  • Simple, engraved cards with one’s name (and sometimes address); no coat of arms for Americans ([31:28]-[31:35]).
  • Women's cards had "Miss" or "Mrs." and were slightly more square; men’s were narrower ([31:35]-[32:44]).
  • Women carried ornate card cases, sometimes of silver or mother-of-pearl ([32:44]-[33:20]).

• Complex Messaging & Etiquette:

  • Cards could be left by hand, by servant, or by mail (increasingly so, late in the century).
  • Rules varied for how many and whose cards to leave for each household member ([34:57]-[35:01]).
  • Cards for mourning, with black edges, and other occasions ([38:22]).

• Social Display: Some discreet strategic placement of prestigious visitors' cards atop the tray ([39:11]-[39:50]).

  • Comparison to modern social media "likes": "Calling cards at that time function not unsimilarly to the ways that likes function on social media today." (April, [39:50])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Heaviness of Social Obligation:
  • "A lapse in this performance of manners... could be quickly chalked up to one's lack of so-called good breeding." (April, [04:33])
  • "This is giving me so much anxiety." (Cassidy, [22:32])
• On Exclusions and Gender Roles:
  • "A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his card. Indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except perhaps where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has called in person." (Cassidy, [33:48])
• Tongue-in-Cheek Societal Critique:
  • "Ghosting is nothing new. The Edwardians and the Victorians knew how to play this game too." (April, [13:52])
• Heritage of Etiquette as Performance:
  • "Knowing the ins and outs of this, quote unquote, really strict rules, this was an accepted part of her duty and her station and responsibility to her family, really." (April, [11:14])
• Comparison to Social Media:
  • "Calling cards at that time function not unsimilarly to the ways that likes function on social media today." (April, [39:50])

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:29] — Introduction of the episode's core topic and the dangers of breaking etiquette
• [03:03] — Overview of key etiquette books and special collections
• [04:33] — 1884 quote: Etiquette as "machinery of society"
• [07:02] — Why the episode will focus on "the practice of calling"
• [08:01]–[10:55] — Extensive breakdown of protocols for formal introductions
• [13:20] — "Introduction by roof": how party guests could socialize without formal introductions
• [16:06]–[19:37] — Mechanics of making a call and importance of reciprocation
• [20:18] — What happens when the subject of a call is “not at home”
• [21:46]–[22:32] — The crucial, stressful role of servants in social calling
• [24:35]–[27:47] — Special rules and instructions for gentlemen
• [31:28]–[34:34] — Deep dive into the significance and etiquette of calling cards
• [34:56]–[38:43] — "Speed round" with rapid-fire etiquette rules for calling cards
• [39:50] — Parallels drawn between calling cards and social media “likes”

Engaging Details & Anecdotes

• Etiquette manuals weren’t just for dining or parties; they covered such specifics as how to write to the U.S. President or take Harvard exams ([06:06]).
• The “introduction by roof,” whereby you could chat freely at an event, but not acknowledge the acquaintance later ([12:07]).
• The rigors of a servant’s memory: expected to know which cards were for whom, not permitted to write names at private houses ([35:25]).
• Mourning etiquette demanded special black-edged calling cards ([38:22]).
• Playful asides and modern parallels—like April’s Friday night “calling card” research rabbit hole ([33:20]).

Tone and Style

The episode maintains a witty, conversational tone, brimming with playful historical references, modern analogies, and frequent asides about the sometimes absurdly high stakes of etiquette. April and Cassidy blend humor with scholarly precision, making the past feel vivid, relatable, and occasionally anxiety-inducing.

Conclusion

Takeaway:
19th-century etiquette comprised a highly structured, anxiety-provoking web of rituals, especially evident in the practice of social calling and the use of calling cards, which signaled everything from friendship to condolences to matrimonial intent. The episode uncovers how such customs, though alien and extravagant today, once shaped everyday life, echoing into modern modes of social interaction.

For further exploration:

• Visual content on @dressedpodcast Instagram
• The podcast’s recommended fashion history booklist at bookshop.org/shop/dressed