How to Be a Gentleman: Etiquette Tips from the Refined Men of History

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Dressed: The History of Fashion
Episode: “How to Be a Gentleman: Etiquette Tips from the Refined Men of History”
Hosts: Cass (Cassie) Zachary & April Callahan
Date: December 2, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of Dressed takes a witty, lightly sarcastic look at historic etiquette codes for men, focusing especially on how the concept of being a “gentleman” was defined in relation to women throughout history. Set against the backdrop of contemporary debates about "the male loneliness epidemic," the hosts use examples from 18th, 19th, and early 20th century etiquette manuals to suggest that modern men could still pick up some useful (if often outdated or amusing) tips from their predecessors—especially when it comes to treating women with decency and respect.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Context: The “Male Loneliness Epidemic” & Women’s Rights

The episode opens with a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the recent discourse about single men blaming women for their loneliness.
April: “Perhaps, just perhaps, if those men having trouble finding dates would, you know, just treat women better and shift their mindset to women not only being human beings, but also equals, they might, just might find their way into those relationships they keep claiming that they want to have.” [03:05]
The hosts stress that their intended audience is not actually these so-called “lonely men,” but rather curious listeners interested in the social history of fashion and etiquette.

2. Sources: Historical Etiquette Manuals for Men

April lists key texts, including Manners for Men (1897), The Gentleman’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness (1860), The Young Man’s Guide (1849), and Principles of Politeness (1798), as well as the 1995 compendium Wicked Etiquette.
Notable observation: Etiquette books flourished in the 19th century with the rise of the middle classes, offering a way for anyone to learn proper manners and navigate society.

3. Manners in Public: Encounters, Service & Chivalry

Helping a Woman in Public:
- “If you enact a small act of service…this does not grant you the right to expect any further interaction. Move along, friend.” [09:07]
- Men should not presume acquaintance after helping a woman briefly; such actions do not entitle them to further acknowledgment.
Offering an Umbrella:
- Mrs. Humphrey’s advice: No respectable lady would accept an umbrella from a stranger—“women cannot trust the intention of strangers who approach them in the streets.” [10:12]
- April adds, reflecting on modern life in NYC: “Anyone who approaches you in the street, 99% chance they want…something rather unsavory from you.” [11:30]

4. Codes for Introductions, Walking, and Propriety

Walking Position:
- “The right hand of a gentleman is the place occupied by his wife and ladies of her class…” [12:47]
- This historical practice dates to when walking on the right protected women from waste being thrown from upper floors in cities.
Social Standing of Walking Companions:
- The left side was for women “outside social recognition”—implied to be mistresses or women not fit for polite society.
Introductions:
- “A well-mannered man never puts out his hand in greeting until a lady extends hers.” [16:47]
- Initiatives in greeting and acquaintance belonged to the (socially superior) woman.
Matching Strides:
- Men were advised to accommodate their companion’s shorter walk—otherwise “they have a curious appearance.” [17:36] April vented: “Don’t be my ex-boyfriend. This would drive me crazy…”

5. More Street Etiquette: Modesty, Boasting, and Smoking

Boasting:
- “Don’t be continually talking about what a great beau you were in your younger days. That you are still unmarried is sufficient evidence that you were at least an unsuccessful one.” (Frederic Ridal, 1907) [19:04]
Women in Veils:
- If a woman is veiled in public, “it may sometimes be a sign she does not wish to be recognized. Move on.” [19:37]
Smoking:
- Men should always remove a cigar when passing a lady; refrain from smoking when accompanying a lady (unless she expressly allows).
- “He stopped smoking directly when he saw us…I know he’s a gentleman.” [20:04]

6. Gentlemen Attending to Women: Carriages and Departures

Assisting a lady into a carriage, making sure she’s comfortable and waiting until her vehicle departs, was a mark of good breeding. Even in contemporary times, the hosts note, this kind of attentiveness is appreciated (e.g., parents waiting to make sure their children get into the house).

7. Dining Etiquette: Napkins, Speed, and Corn on the Cob

Napkin Flapping:
- “It is not necessary to whisk the napkin gaily about before unfolding it. The concealed roll is certain to fly a considerable distance before alighting and may even crack the enameling on one of the great ladies at the banquet.” [29:56]
Soup Spoon Staring:
- “Never turn the spoon over and look at yourself in the bowl. It is the action of a clown.” [31:39]
Carving at the Table:
- Good breeding required men to carve while seated, and do so neatly (“not hacking across the bone”).
Corn on the Cob:
- “It is not elegant to gnaw Indian corn. The kernel should be scored with a knife, scraped off into the plate, and then eaten with a fork. Ladies should be particularly careful.” [33:32]
Pace of Eating:
- “Do not eat too quickly. Manners dictate you follow the pace at which your host or hostess is eating.” [40:53]

8. Odd and Amusing Etiquette Tips

Oysters:
- “Only idiots swallow oysters. Epicures bite them as if they were chicken.” (Viola Tree, 1937) [36:00] — The hosts agree this advice is dubious.
Walnut Crushing:
- “Never demonstrate your physical strength by crushing a walnut in your fist…Never in a restaurant, at least.” (1970) [37:00]
Plate Snobbery:
- In posh circles it was fashionable to turn over dinner plates to check the maker, resulting in some memorable mishaps, like spilling food on a neighbor’s satin skirt! [38:13]
Carrying Home Dessert:
- “None but a low bred clown will ever carry fruit or bonbons away from the table.” The hosts lament this obvious modern breach. [40:19]

9. Advice for Women… from Historic Manuals

“Women who smoke must drink something stronger than tea.” (1855) [41:53]
- The hosts discuss the social (and gendered) codes around women smoking and drinking, especially for flappers in the 1920s.
Hotels & Luggage:
- “It is a breach of etiquette for a lady to touch her baggage in a hotel after it is packed…Nothing looks more awkward than to see a lady with both hands full stumbling up the steps of a hotel hack.” (S.A. Frost, 1869) [43:39]
Men & Dogs:
- “Don’t marry a man who has no time for dogs. 10 to 1, such a man will only have time for himself.” [44:35]
Schoolgirl Soul:
- “Avoid looking at a boy with your soul in your eyes.” (1921) [45:43] – The hosts both swoon and cringe at this poetic advice.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

April on Snark: “If these manosphere podcasters get to spout outright misogyny, at the very least I’m entitled to a little bit of snark. And that is probably being quite generous.” [03:53]
Cass on introductions: “A woman must acknowledge her wish to get to know you before you attempt to get to know her. It is she who holds the right to agree and initiate an introduction.” [16:47]
April on modern relevance: “I do not walk slow. I walk fast. On our trips in Paris, if I’m leading a group, sometimes people are always like, april, slow down – I’m like, oh, I’m in New York walk mode.” [17:36]
On etiquette for authenticity: “Let this episode serve as a reminder that sometimes it’s just the smallest of gestures, the tiniest of actions that make the people around us feel safe and cared for. So something as simple as polishing up our manners a bit tells other people that they matter.” (April) [46:46]

Key Timestamps

Male Loneliness & Feminist Context: 01:23–04:19
Historic Main Sources for Etiquette Tips: 05:52–07:11
Interacting with Unacquainted Women (Help, Umbrella): 09:07–12:02
Chivalric Walking Codes and Social Standing: 12:47–16:26
Introductions, Greetings: 16:47–17:36
Matching Strides & Modern Parallels: 17:36–18:59
Talking/Boasting & Women’s Veils: 19:04–20:04
Smoking Etiquette: 20:04–21:55
Assisting Into Carriages & Waiting: 22:00–23:05
Dining Etiquette (Napkins, Enameling, Carving): 29:56–33:26
Corn on the Cob: 33:32–34:13
Oysters, Nut-cracking Strength, Plate-Checking: 36:00–39:54
Dessert & Eating Pace: 40:19–41:53
Advice to Women (Smoking, Luggage, Dogs, Soulful Stares): 41:53–45:43
Closing/Big Takeaway: 46:46

Tone and Style

The tone is breezy and irreverent, with the hosts alternating between sardonic humor and genuine reflection. Their banter is sprinkled with personal anecdotes and modern parallels, often highlighting how some advice remains timeless (treat people with respect!), while other rules are clearly of their era or simply absurd by today’s standards.

Conclusion & Takeaway

Main Message:
Historic men’s etiquette manuals, while steeped in patriarchal assumptions, sometimes offer surprisingly contemporary advice—especially regarding the basics of respect and boundaries. Manners, at their core, are small gestures that create comfort and safety for others. The hosts encourage listeners to reclaim these positive elements, while leaving behind outdated notions and snobbery.

As April summarizes:
“Sometimes it’s just the smallest of gestures, the tiniest of actions that make the people around us feel safe and cared for. So something as simple as polishing up our manners a bit tells other people that they matter.” [46:46]

Further Learning:
Listeners can join the hosts’ upcoming online fashion courses or check out their curated reading lists for deeper dives into the social history of dress and etiquette.

For visuals, bonus material, or to connect with the hosts:

Instagram: @dressedpodcast
Website: dressedhistory.com
Bookshop.org/shop/dressed for recommended readings

Want more etiquette content?
Let the hosts know—April is ready for a Part 2!

Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Context: The “Male Loneliness Epidemic” & Women’s Rights

The episode opens with a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the recent discourse about single men blaming women for their loneliness.
April: “Perhaps, just perhaps, if those men having trouble finding dates would, you know, just treat women better and shift their mindset to women not only being human beings, but also equals, they might, just might find their way into those relationships they keep claiming that they want to have.” [03:05]
The hosts stress that their intended audience is not actually these so-called “lonely men,” but rather curious listeners interested in the social history of fashion and etiquette.

2. Sources: Historical Etiquette Manuals for Men

April lists key texts, including Manners for Men (1897), The Gentleman’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness (1860), The Young Man’s Guide (1849), and Principles of Politeness (1798), as well as the 1995 compendium Wicked Etiquette.
Notable observation: Etiquette books flourished in the 19th century with the rise of the middle classes, offering a way for anyone to learn proper manners and navigate society.

3. Manners in Public: Encounters, Service & Chivalry

Helping a Woman in Public:
- “If you enact a small act of service…this does not grant you the right to expect any further interaction. Move along, friend.” [09:07]
- Men should not presume acquaintance after helping a woman briefly; such actions do not entitle them to further acknowledgment.
Offering an Umbrella:
- Mrs. Humphrey’s advice: No respectable lady would accept an umbrella from a stranger—“women cannot trust the intention of strangers who approach them in the streets.” [10:12]
- April adds, reflecting on modern life in NYC: “Anyone who approaches you in the street, 99% chance they want…something rather unsavory from you.” [11:30]

4. Codes for Introductions, Walking, and Propriety

Walking Position:
- “The right hand of a gentleman is the place occupied by his wife and ladies of her class…” [12:47]
- This historical practice dates to when walking on the right protected women from waste being thrown from upper floors in cities.
Social Standing of Walking Companions:
- The left side was for women “outside social recognition”—implied to be mistresses or women not fit for polite society.
Introductions:
- “A well-mannered man never puts out his hand in greeting until a lady extends hers.” [16:47]
- Initiatives in greeting and acquaintance belonged to the (socially superior) woman.
Matching Strides:
- Men were advised to accommodate their companion’s shorter walk—otherwise “they have a curious appearance.” [17:36] April vented: “Don’t be my ex-boyfriend. This would drive me crazy…”

5. More Street Etiquette: Modesty, Boasting, and Smoking

Boasting:
- “Don’t be continually talking about what a great beau you were in your younger days. That you are still unmarried is sufficient evidence that you were at least an unsuccessful one.” (Frederic Ridal, 1907) [19:04]
Women in Veils:
- If a woman is veiled in public, “it may sometimes be a sign she does not wish to be recognized. Move on.” [19:37]
Smoking:
- Men should always remove a cigar when passing a lady; refrain from smoking when accompanying a lady (unless she expressly allows).
- “He stopped smoking directly when he saw us…I know he’s a gentleman.” [20:04]

6. Gentlemen Attending to Women: Carriages and Departures

Assisting a lady into a carriage, making sure she’s comfortable and waiting until her vehicle departs, was a mark of good breeding. Even in contemporary times, the hosts note, this kind of attentiveness is appreciated (e.g., parents waiting to make sure their children get into the house).

7. Dining Etiquette: Napkins, Speed, and Corn on the Cob

Napkin Flapping:
- “It is not necessary to whisk the napkin gaily about before unfolding it. The concealed roll is certain to fly a considerable distance before alighting and may even crack the enameling on one of the great ladies at the banquet.” [29:56]
Soup Spoon Staring:
- “Never turn the spoon over and look at yourself in the bowl. It is the action of a clown.” [31:39]
Carving at the Table:
- Good breeding required men to carve while seated, and do so neatly (“not hacking across the bone”).
Corn on the Cob:
- “It is not elegant to gnaw Indian corn. The kernel should be scored with a knife, scraped off into the plate, and then eaten with a fork. Ladies should be particularly careful.” [33:32]
Pace of Eating:
- “Do not eat too quickly. Manners dictate you follow the pace at which your host or hostess is eating.” [40:53]

8. Odd and Amusing Etiquette Tips

Oysters:
- “Only idiots swallow oysters. Epicures bite them as if they were chicken.” (Viola Tree, 1937) [36:00] — The hosts agree this advice is dubious.
Walnut Crushing:
- “Never demonstrate your physical strength by crushing a walnut in your fist…Never in a restaurant, at least.” (1970) [37:00]
Plate Snobbery:
- In posh circles it was fashionable to turn over dinner plates to check the maker, resulting in some memorable mishaps, like spilling food on a neighbor’s satin skirt! [38:13]
Carrying Home Dessert:
- “None but a low bred clown will ever carry fruit or bonbons away from the table.” The hosts lament this obvious modern breach. [40:19]

9. Advice for Women… from Historic Manuals

“Women who smoke must drink something stronger than tea.” (1855) [41:53]
- The hosts discuss the social (and gendered) codes around women smoking and drinking, especially for flappers in the 1920s.
Hotels & Luggage:
- “It is a breach of etiquette for a lady to touch her baggage in a hotel after it is packed…Nothing looks more awkward than to see a lady with both hands full stumbling up the steps of a hotel hack.” (S.A. Frost, 1869) [43:39]
Men & Dogs:
- “Don’t marry a man who has no time for dogs. 10 to 1, such a man will only have time for himself.” [44:35]
Schoolgirl Soul:
- “Avoid looking at a boy with your soul in your eyes.” (1921) [45:43] – The hosts both swoon and cringe at this poetic advice.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

April on Snark: “If these manosphere podcasters get to spout outright misogyny, at the very least I’m entitled to a little bit of snark. And that is probably being quite generous.” [03:53]
Cass on introductions: “A woman must acknowledge her wish to get to know you before you attempt to get to know her. It is she who holds the right to agree and initiate an introduction.” [16:47]
April on modern relevance: “I do not walk slow. I walk fast. On our trips in Paris, if I’m leading a group, sometimes people are always like, april, slow down – I’m like, oh, I’m in New York walk mode.” [17:36]
On etiquette for authenticity: “Let this episode serve as a reminder that sometimes it’s just the smallest of gestures, the tiniest of actions that make the people around us feel safe and cared for. So something as simple as polishing up our manners a bit tells other people that they matter.” (April) [46:46]

Key Timestamps

Male Loneliness & Feminist Context: 01:23–04:19
Historic Main Sources for Etiquette Tips: 05:52–07:11
Interacting with Unacquainted Women (Help, Umbrella): 09:07–12:02
Chivalric Walking Codes and Social Standing: 12:47–16:26
Introductions, Greetings: 16:47–17:36
Matching Strides & Modern Parallels: 17:36–18:59
Talking/Boasting & Women’s Veils: 19:04–20:04
Smoking Etiquette: 20:04–21:55
Assisting Into Carriages & Waiting: 22:00–23:05
Dining Etiquette (Napkins, Enameling, Carving): 29:56–33:26
Corn on the Cob: 33:32–34:13
Oysters, Nut-cracking Strength, Plate-Checking: 36:00–39:54
Dessert & Eating Pace: 40:19–41:53
Advice to Women (Smoking, Luggage, Dogs, Soulful Stares): 41:53–45:43
Closing/Big Takeaway: 46:46

Tone and Style

Conclusion & Takeaway

Further Learning:
Listeners can join the hosts’ upcoming online fashion courses or check out their curated reading lists for deeper dives into the social history of dress and etiquette.

For visuals, bonus material, or to connect with the hosts:

Instagram: @dressedpodcast
Website: dressedhistory.com
Bookshop.org/shop/dressed for recommended readings

Want more etiquette content?
Let the hosts know—April is ready for a Part 2!

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Summary

Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Context: The “Male Loneliness Epidemic” & Women’s Rights

2. Sources: Historical Etiquette Manuals for Men

3. Manners in Public: Encounters, Service & Chivalry

4. Codes for Introductions, Walking, and Propriety

5. More Street Etiquette: Modesty, Boasting, and Smoking

6. Gentlemen Attending to Women: Carriages and Departures

7. Dining Etiquette: Napkins, Speed, and Corn on the Cob

8. Odd and Amusing Etiquette Tips

9. Advice for Women… from Historic Manuals

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Key Timestamps

Tone and Style

Conclusion & Takeaway

Summary

Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Context: The “Male Loneliness Epidemic” & Women’s Rights

2. Sources: Historical Etiquette Manuals for Men

3. Manners in Public: Encounters, Service & Chivalry

4. Codes for Introductions, Walking, and Propriety

5. More Street Etiquette: Modesty, Boasting, and Smoking

6. Gentlemen Attending to Women: Carriages and Departures

7. Dining Etiquette: Napkins, Speed, and Corn on the Cob

8. Odd and Amusing Etiquette Tips

9. Advice for Women… from Historic Manuals

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Key Timestamps

Tone and Style

Conclusion & Takeaway