Bert Kreischer Explains Why He Only Wants ONE Woman

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dumb Blonde

Episode: Bert Kreischer Explains Why He Only Wants ONE Woman
Date: January 4, 2026
Host: Bunnie XO
Guest: Bert Kreischer

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Episode Overview

In this candid and hilarious episode, Bunnie XO sits down with comedian Bert Kreischer, known as "The Machine," for an unfiltered conversation about relationships, health, marriage, mental health, and aging with authenticity. Beyond the laughs, Bert offers vulnerable reflections on intimacy, self-image, his marriage to Leanne, and why, despite his reputation, he’s only ever wanted to give himself fully to one woman. The episode is a tapestry of raunchy humor, real talk, inspiration, and friendship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Bert’s Health Journey and Peptide Talk

• Weight Loss and Medication:
  • Bert discusses being at his highest weight while filming his upcoming Netflix show "Freebird," then losing 20 pounds in two weeks on Manjaro.

    “I always look the same, but I just started the Manjaro. And I’m down 20 pounds in two weeks.” — Bert (03:04)

  • Both Bunnie and Bert talk about side effects of various weight-loss meds (Manjaro, Trizepatide, Retta) and the unpleasant digestive side effects on tour.

    “I did try Zepatide and I shit so much my butthole hurt on a tour bus, Bert.” — Bunnie (08:01)

• Peptides, Trainers, & Body Composition:
  • Peptides like SS31, BCP, and the visceral-fat-targeting Tesamorelin come up, along with the trials of maintaining muscle and the reality of traveling with trainers/fridges for medication.

Notable Segment

• Hot-bagging’ on tour buses explained:
  • (10:13) Bert and Bunnie walk listeners through the crude but necessary methods of pooping on tour.

    “That’s how you shit on tour buses. My daughter Isla called me...I’ve been hot bagging it. That’s a kid that grew up on tour buses.” — Bert (11:19)

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Porn Preferences, Kinks & Sexual Vulnerability

• Candid Porn Discussion & Sexual Honesty:
  • The conversation turns to porn preferences ("POV" vs. "80s bush" vs. "superhero porn"), with Bert stating he’s only turned on by visuals that remind him of his wife Leanne.

    “The thing that turns me on in porn is...anything visually I would see from Leanne, that angle turns me on.” — Bert (16:18)

• Intimacy, Inside Jokes, and the ‘Feather’ Emoji:
  • Bert shares the story behind their private "feather" emoji for sex, including a vulnerable moment with Leanne and how shared humor keeps their sex life playful and close.

    “So now we text feathers to each other and that's our—our emoji is a feather.” — Bert (24:57)

Memorable Quote

• “I didn’t think I was going to be attracted to someone like Leanne...when I got naked with her for the first time, I’d never experienced that feeling where...I felt like she was sharing a secret with me.” — Bert (18:45)

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Long-Term Love, Uniqueness, and Why Only One Woman

• Finding ‘the one’ and Contentment:
  • Bert talks honestly about “the car you want to be in,” how he used to always want something new, but now, with Leanne, he wouldn’t trade their shared private jokes and history for anything.

    “For whatever reason, I’m just sitting there going, this is the car I want to be in. And I was like, I can’t...Can you believe I still love you?” — Bert (26:44)

• On Staying Faithful and Emotional Safety:
  • Despite his wild public persona, Bert shares he’s had sex with only six women in his life, and never felt ‘safe’ in bed until Leanne.

    “Thank you so much for letting me be who I am in bed...I have no interest in starting that journey with anyone else.” — Bert (37:12)

• Emptiness of New Relationships vs. Depth of Old Ones:
  • He doubts he’d ever want to invest so deeply in a new relationship if he ever lost Leanne, emphasizing the irreplaceable value of shared history, inside jokes, and comfort.

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Mental Health, OCD, and Vulnerability

• Living with OCD, Anxiety, and Rituals:
  • Bert describes living with OCD, intrusive health worries, and flying rituals.

    “Big Brain versus Little Brain...Big Brain was the bad guy, and Little Brain was the sweetest guy. He's who I am.” — Bert (63:58)

• Mental Health in the Spotlight:
  • Both discuss being open about mental health and how the internet weaponizes vulnerability ("Don’t let it take your laugh”).

    “Can you imagine if you let the world take your joy away?...Don’t let it take your laugh.” — Bert (72:41)

• Coping Mechanisms:
  • Journaling, exposure therapy, and humor are important tools for survival.

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Friendship, Inspiration, and Fatherhood

• Supporting Friends & Inspiring Others:
  • Discusses the camaraderie, support, and inspiration between Bert, Bunnie, Jelly Roll, and their families, including running 5Ks to inspire fans and each other.

    “I was like, I gotta get them [my fans] in shape...I need them more than they need me.” — Bert (48:00)

• Fatherhood & Regrets:
  • Bert is honest about the guilt of missing time with his daughters for his career and the priority of personal, not just professional, goals.

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Aging, Career, and the Comedy Landscape

• Changing Nature of Comedy & Ageism:
  • Bert reflects on being 53, still selling out arenas, and how comedy has opened for older comics ("Chappelle’s 53, Burr’s 56, Rogan’s 56, Tommy’s 48…”).
• No Concrete Game Plan—and That’s OK:
  • Instead of a roadmap or chasing ticket sales, Bert wants more travel, experiences, and personal fulfillment with Leanne and his family.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Side Effects and Tour Life:
  “Triseptatide shits smell like the kind of shits that a guy in the stall next to you has to say something like, ‘What did you eat?’” — Bert (08:28)

• On Porn and Monogamy:
  “The thing that turns me on in porn is...anything visually I would see from Leanne, that angle turns me on.” — Bert (16:18)

• On Marriage and Emotional Safety:
  “Thank you so much for letting me be who I am in bed...I have no interest in starting that journey with anyone else.” — Bert (37:12)

• Describing OCD:
  “Big Brain versus Little Brain...Big Brain was the bad guy, and Little Brain was the sweetest guy. He's who I am.” — Bert (63:58)

• On Vulnerability Online:
  “Can you imagine if you let the world take your joy away?...Don’t let it take your laugh.” — Bert (72:41)

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Fun & Lighthearted Segments

• Rapid Fire Game: Porn Category or Energy Drink Flavor (54:18)
  • Bert correctly identifies “Cream Pie Crush,” “Wetworks,” and “Bang Bus” as porn categories, showing off his pop culture knowledge with characteristic humor.
• Stories of Naked College Antics (55:16)
• Inside Joke: ‘Baby Walrus’ nickname from Italy family trip (100:01)

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Key Takeaways

• Love and Partnership:
  Bert is deeply devoted to Leanne, placing intimacy and friendship above novelty or conquest.
• Vulnerability is Strength:
  Candid discussions about sexual preference, mental health, and aging are woven throughout, modeling that openness and laughter are powerful tools for healing.
• Cherish Shared History:
  The value of decades of shared jokes and comfort in a relationship cannot be replaced by the thrill of the new.
• It’s OK Not to Have a Plan:
  Success—and happiness—are less about hitting specific milestones and more about meaningful personal goals and moments with loved ones.

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Segment/Topic | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------------------|-----------| | Bert on Manjaro and weight loss meds | 03:03–04:10| | Tour shitting stories, "hot bagging" | 08:09–11:32| | Porn preferences and sexual vulnerability | 15:18–18:45| | The ‘feather’ emoji and sex/love rituals with Leanne | 19:18–25:15| | Bert’s history of monogamy and early sexual experience | 30:30–38:09| | On running 5Ks and inspiring Jelly Roll and fans | 46:08–48:17| | OCD, anxiety, and health rituals | 63:44–67:34| | Don’t let the world take your laugh/joy away | 72:41–73:27| | Growing older in comedy and letting go of rigid plans | 94:31–101:52|

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Episode Tone

Playful, uncensored, friendly, and deeply honest—with Bert and Bunnie both weaving raunchy humor and profound vulnerability throughout. The conversation is marked by warmth, affection, and a refreshing lack of pretense or posturing.

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Show recommendation:
Stream Bert’s upcoming Netflix show "Freebird," premiering January 22, 2026.

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For listeners:
You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, you might get choked up, and you’ll walk away with a deeper appreciation for finding your person, loving big, and laughing through life’s chaos.

Transcript

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[Podcast Host 2]

Is this thing on, you guys? I have the machine sitting on my couch and I have been trying to get him here for years. He's finally in Nashville. He came to grace us with his presence. Mr. Burt Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am so happy to be here, dude.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that you're barefoot and that you're comfortable. Are you gonna take your shirt off?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm by the way, I am. Oh, wow.

[Podcast Host 2]

He's like, we're starting off heavy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I got back up to 275.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, did you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I got back up to 275 and at 275 I filmed my whole. I think I filmed my whole TV show at 2:70. So like the TV show Free Birth that's on Netflix, it's coming out.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

January 22nd. I was, I was, I was overweight. Like, I was the, I want to say I was the fattest I've ever been, but I was in top five fattest. Right. My best friend Tony Hernandez was like, pulled me aside. He's like, I just want you to know, man, I did lucky when you were the skinniest you've ever been. I can't tell the difference.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, because your tummy is always just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always look the same, but, But I just started the Manjaro. Manjaro.

[Podcast Host 2]

Have you started the Manjaro?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Manjaro. Manjaro. And I'm down £20 in two weeks. Wow.

[Podcast Host 2]

Does it affect your eating?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my joy. Yeah. Yeah. My sparkle's gone.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The razzle dazzle at life has disappeared. I sit there like a zombie all day. People go, you want sushi? And I go, I could just have a glass of water.

[Podcast Host 2]

And then you drink that glass of water and you're full.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you full. And you're like, yeah. You know what I had last night for dinner, which was, by the way, and this is crazy, the most enjoyable thing I've had in a very long time. Toast.

[Podcast Host 2]

Toast with butter slaps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Toast with butter.

[Podcast Host 2]

Toast with butter slaps on the butter.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was, it was heaven.

[Podcast Host 2]

Heavenly.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I had one piece of toast and I went, I feel great.

[Podcast Host 2]

Have you ever tried to take Retta? Have you tried the Retta? Retta. True tri. Retta 2. Tried is the new GLP3, which I'm going to start taking it tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Podcast Host 2]

I am fudgeing. Ready? Listen, I got an ass to lose, all right? I'm, I got the Brazilian ass that I need to lose, but it's supposed to shred you, but without all the side effects of, like, Manjaro and triazepatide and all that stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

The side effects are aggressive. I got into a huge blowout fight with Isla and Leanne. Like a three way fight. They were in the car.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's a gang fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's not fair.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because Isla's done none of the research, right? She's just a talking head for Leanne. Whatever Leanne says, she goes, you got to listen to Mom. She has all the answers, dad. And I'm like, she does not have all the answers.

[Podcast Host 2]

Listen, I don't know. Leanne is pretty all knowing. I love. I, I, I'm, I'm a Leanne fan over here. You know that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know, I know. But, you know, it's like I've spent so Much time with the woman. It's like we're empty nesters now. So, like we spend all our time together.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. There are things that she thinks she knows about that she doesn't know about, but only. And I got her to in. I like anything working out. She's got a trainer for like four years, five years, man. You think she took CrossFit 101? She's like. She says wild shit sometimes. I'm just like, babe, I've known you for 21 years. You just learned about stretching four years ago. So. Yeah, but. Yeah, but they got. They got my ass.

[Podcast Host 2]

What was the beef about that?

[Bert Kreischer]

About the side effects? So, you know, I have two doctors. I have a longevity doctor and a cardiologist. And my cardiologist said he's one that prescribed it. He did a DEXA scan. He's like, you're. He goes, listen, man, your blood work's fine. And I'm not prescribing it for your blood work. I'm prescribing for your visceral fat. He's like, that's the dangerous fat. And you're holding £90 in your stomach. Wow. And he was like, it's crazy, but you got to get rid of that £90. If we can get it to £40, that'll be incredible. Which is still. £40 in your gut is a lot.

[Podcast Host 2]

No, it's a lot. Actually. I've been studying peptides because I'm like, I'm taking BCP and SS31 right now. So I'm like a real nerd about peptides.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me too. And I don't know what they do. I can't. I do not know what a mitochondria.

[Podcast Host 2]

Is, but she knows of the cell. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the. I'm sitting here going, oh, my mitochondria's kicking ass.

[Podcast Host 2]

I have no idea what the fuck. My mitochondria is turned up. No, that's how I feel. But they have one that. That trigger that. That literally does the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do we have the same longevity doctor?

[Podcast Host 2]

We might. How do we go from being party animals to having fucking longevity doctors in the first place, like Bert? Help.

[Bert Kreischer]

Unrelatable. Are we?

[Podcast Host 2]

Like, what is happening?

[Bert Kreischer]

Morning. I took my Manjiorno, my testosterone SS31 before I went to bed.

[Podcast Host 2]

Are you taking SS31? Oh, my God, I love that. That is fucking amazing, dude. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm an expert on keeping refrigerated.

[Podcast Host 2]

I just bought a mini fridge to put. Put my bed in my bathroom so I could keep all my peptides in them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like a German scientist in the 80s just getting athletes from one place. It is great. This is so bizarre.

[Podcast Host 2]

No, the whole peptide craze is insane. But there is one that is strictly for visceral fat, which is what I was going to tell you about. It's called Tess Morlin. I have some at the house. I can give you the vial of it it. If you want to do the research before you take it. I've done all the research, but it shrinks visceral fat and that's like, specifically what it's for with zero side effects of the, like the manjaros and the GLPs.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I'm looking for right now. I'm. I travel with the trainer just to keep lifting weights because they say that it tears on muscle. I mean like I. I mean I have a friend, everyone knows him, but he's. He did the GLP ones and his. I watched his muscle disappear because he wasn't lifting weights. And so I was like.

[Podcast Host 2]

And that's what Retta is good for too. Red allows you to shred but keep your muscle mass.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I love it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, we're going to. I'm going to turn you out, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Landed a one round. One. One shot of Manjaro.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

One shot one time. I think it was for. It was for something else. It was blood work needed and she just got skinny and looked amazing and then kept it there.

[Podcast Host 2]

Leanne is tiny as hell. No, she's. She's just a tiny little package. So I couldn't imagine. I did try Zepatide and I shit so much my butthole hurt on a tour bus. Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. Those shits. You don't pick when they come.

[Podcast Host 2]

No. And you can't control it. Have you ever had to catch your shits in a. In a bag?

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean hot bag it?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Trisepatide shits, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just. Let's be very clear. Close your eyes if you. If you need to. If you're not driving.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Triz Appetite shits smell like the kind of shits that a guy in the stall next to you has to say something like, what did you eat?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

They are what they're. If now if it's your. It's in. In a hot bag situation, I cannot imagine that. I wouldn't be dry heaving.

[Podcast Host 2]

No. And it's heavy. I would bring it out of the bathroom and make them hold it because I was like, dude, this is a pound. I lost seven pounds the first week I did triazepatide, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was me, dude. Triazepetide. Now I can justify. I've taken, like. I've taken crazy shits that. I took a shit in Japan one time. It was so bad, the guy in the stall next to me threw up. That's true, that's true, that's true. And there was Japan. So I thought he was talking to me. He was like. I was like, no, it's a. It's a bidet. Press the button.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you take shits like my husband.

[Bert Kreischer]

The tri Zeppedine ones were like.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's like. And they're logs and they're.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. Mine were coming out like crude oil at the beginning of the Beverly Hillbillies when he shoots at the goat.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, my God, man. No, it's rough, dude. The people don't talk about, like, that aspect and that side effect of the GLPs and the GLP1s and threes and stuff like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I tell you something, I'm very proud of that you just said that. And. And it's because we share a life, like me. And, you know, I think it's why me, you, Jelly, and Leanne have a closeness is. Which is. It's crazy. It's not. It is. It's earned. It's not like we met on a red carpet. For whatever reason, we all connected for real. But there's a thing you said when you go, you know, when you hot bag it, and then there's. And that's earned. That's earned. You don't know. Half the people don't know what we're talking about. They're like, what are you talking. Tour buses. You're not allowed to shit. So what you do is you take, like, a grocery bag, like the kind you get at the store.

[Podcast Host 2]

I prefer the. Yeah, I like those. Or I like the black. The big black bag so you don't.

[Podcast Host 1]

Have to see it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, those are my fave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then you put that over the toilet seat and you dip it into the toilet. Then you shit into that bag. And then you take it and you wrap it up, and then you get rid of it. That's how you shit on tour buses. My daughter Isla called me. She was like. She was like. I mean, fucking hysterical. She calls and she goes, hey, how do I turn the water on in our house? And I was like, I don't know. I call your mom. I have no idea. But I go, don't shit. She goes, too late. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I didn't know the water wasn't on. I took a log. What am I supposed to do? And I was like, get a bunch of water, flush it down. Right. But then. But then. And so there's a joke there that I'm gonna leave for the stage. But then, like a couple days later, I said, has the water been turned on? And she goes, no, we can't figure out how to get it turned on. Don't worry, dad. I've been hot bagging it.

[Podcast Host 2]

A couple days later. A couple days later, she's got this log just floating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, no. Oh. I mean, I think she got a rubber glove and got. And pulled it out and threw it in the neighbor's yard, but. Yeah, yeah, that's my kid.

[Podcast Host 2]

At a girl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but. But she goes, yeah, I. They had a couple days or a day that they didn't have the water on. And I said, how have you been taking shits? And she goes, I've been hot bagging it. That's a kid that grew up on tour buses.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's earned. That's not.

[Podcast Host 2]

No, that's a. That's a. That's a life choice that you make. That was one of things that we had to get used to on tour, especially sharing a bus, because my bus, I bring out my own bus with Jay, so it's all women. So we have our periods, we all shit, and we have two bathrooms that we have to use between all of us. And it is insane. But when we're all on fucking triazepatide, who fully loaded got fully loaded? Fully frickin loaded, buddy. All right. I want to play a game with you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay. He said please. It's a rapid fire game. And I want you to tell me if this is a porn category or an energy drink for flavor.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I think I'm going to be pretty good at this.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Podcast Host 2]

What's your favorite kind of porn? So we talk about this all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And we're. And we're all. There's an open book, right?

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, yeah, I know. She loves 80s bush porn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I can see that.

[Podcast Host 2]

Ky likes cat porn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cat porn?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, he's totally into cats.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very vanilla. Very vanilla over here. Or cat. What's cat porn? That's like. I like to watch cats lick each other. And like now. Yeah. Not in a creepy way. Okay.

[Podcast Host 2]

I mean, like, please say you're kidding. Can we turn the Air on here and here. I'm laughing so hard, I'm fucking, like, sweating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kyle may be standing outside the door with coffee. Someone let him know. Okay, okay. Because. Okay, keep mo. So my. So I was always into porn, and I. And I didn't. I was in the generation that got to discover porn where porn showed up and we had dial up and you had to wait for it.

[Podcast Host 2]

I'm. How old are you, Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

53.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay. I'm 45. So we're in the same era.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so then also we got to discover the crazy genres of porn. I remember the first one. I stepped out of the box, and I was like, are you allowed to look at this in a hotel room by myself? Probably in 2000. I remember I was on my computer and it said, pregnant porn. And I went, whoa. If I click that, do I get in trouble? Meaning, do I get registered?

[Podcast Host 2]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm at that. I'm at the frontier of porn.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I got to try it all. I. I worked with the dominatrix one time, and she gave me these crazy tapes, and I was like, whoa, okay, hold on.

[Podcast Host 2]

You worked with a dominatrix? What were you working with her doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

She tortured me for, like.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you hired her?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I did it for a TV show.

[Podcast Host 2]

For a TV show. Okay. I've had some dominatrix on the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Mistress Isabella. I had Mistress Nina, and she got me totally naked. I mean, I was dating land at the time. Totally naked. Torture. My balls, everything. Hot wax, electric. Electric pod.

[Podcast Host 2]

Do you. Are you into that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not at all. Not.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you don't like any pain?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. No, I don't like pain.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that Leanne. And you are so cool. Which. We'll talk about this in a little bit. That she was just like, you know what? Go get your fucking balls played with by a dominatrix.

[Bert Kreischer]

$13,000 an episode.

[Podcast Host 2]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we. But at the end, she said, sweet. A safe word. The safe word was marshmallow. She did one thing to me at the very end, and I said, marshmallow. And she went, it shouldn't hurt. And I said, no, I. I think I'm actually getting turned on, and I don't want to be turned on. Oh. And she went, oh, oh. And then she gave me a bunch of tapes, and she goes. At the end, she goes, what was.

[Podcast Host 2]

It that turned you on?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it was this thing. It was like. She put me in, like, in, like, rubber, you know, or like the latex or whatever.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she had A tube in there, and there was lube in the tube. And she would move the lube over my body.

[Podcast Host 2]

And it was your face completely covered, too? Because I've seen that before.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think they were going to. And I. I couldn't get to that point.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was gonna say that's crazy. If that turns you on, you are a freaky freak.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. It was just that. It was.

[Podcast Host 2]

No judge.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was wrapped around my stomach, and then the lube was moving, and my dick moved, and I. And I. And it turned me on. I went, hey, yo, Marcel.

[Podcast Host 2]

Because it was, like, massaging you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, two more times of this, and we're done.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so she gave me these tapes, and so I. That's when I explored. I was like, oh, wow. I've never seen anything with BDSM or anything like that. Some of it I liked. Some of it I didn't. I didn't. Some of it I didn't understand. But then I understood that kinks are. You don't get to control your kinks. Your kinks show up. You get branded or imprinted at an age where you. That's the first thing you see. And for whatever reason, that turns you on, and you don't get to help it. It's why, like, dudes are into quicksand porn. It's why some people are into, like. Like, superhero porn. I just texted Leanne. Cause I have a little bit of a superhero, like, superhero fantasy. I texted Leanne a TV show. We both grew up watching Elektra Woman and Dyna Girl.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she was like, I grew up watching that. And I was like, me, too.

[Podcast Host 2]

I mean, dudes were jacking off. Tashira fricking.

[Bert Kreischer]

She was the bugaloos. I jerked off to the bugaloos.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, yeah. The girl, Jim, and the holograms.

[Bert Kreischer]

But so the thing. So then when I got to a grown age where I was dating Leanne, I had a disconnect from porn. The thing that turns me on in porn is. This is so weird. But anything visually I would see from Leanne, that angle turns me on. Does that make sense?

[Podcast Host 2]

So kind of explain it for the listeners.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And we're gonna get a little illicit. But, like, say you're going down on a woman and the visual of. You're seeing her breasts and her chin. That visual, that point of view, that perspective is what I like to watch. So, like, I don't. I can't.

[Podcast Host 2]

Most women hate that, because when we look down. We have a double chin when you guys are down there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. I think it's like anything, anything that we would do, perspective wise, I enjoy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay, so you like POV porn?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not even POV as much as just seeing what we would do. I can't watch something we wouldn't do.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because it pulls me out of it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay. Because it's like something you've never done before and it's not familiar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I'm at this point now where I. If, if, if, if like the Leanne's going to kill me. So I told her. I was like, I was like, yo, I porn wasn't doing it for me. And I was. I think it's because she's so authentically her and the things that she has turned me on. So I said, hey, I need close up pictures of your body parts. And I. For me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, no, no, someone's gonna get your phone. And so someone in our office showed us how to, how to have a hidden folder. So I have a hidden folder. And they're just pictures. You can't see the aunt's face, but they're pictures of her body parts. And now it's our inside joke. I text her every, every morning I text her, we are emoji for sex is a feather.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So silly.

[Podcast Host 2]

But how did that come about? I gotta hear this story.

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Podcast Host 2]

And for. And first of all, that is so sweet that you have just an album of Leanne. I love the way that you love her. My husband and I just, I do a check in video every week because I'm working really hard with this trainer and he just told me the other day, he's like, I love these weekly check in videos. He said I literally jerked off to one in Australia and I was like, that's so hot. Send me a video of you doing it next time. I think that's so hot when husbands like just really love their wives, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah. I mean, it's crazy. I didn't think I was going to be attracted to someone like Leanne. Like I always thought it would be blonde hair, tan, big tits. And then when I got naked with her for the first time, I'd never experienced that feeling where I've said this before. I don't know if it makes total sense, but I go, I felt like she was sharing a secret with me. Like I, I feel like she didn't get naked with a lot of people.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That energy.

[Podcast Host 2]

She was yours.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so, so the feather. So we, by the way. Oh, I really wish Leanne was here.

[Podcast Host 2]

I know, Me too. So we could call her.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she's in her workout class. So we. We went to one night, I was working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the morning. And this is right when we started to get. We have two versions of sex. We have meat potatoes, which is our whole, you know, life. We have meeting, then having kids and meat potatoes. And then for. Then it's everything after. After Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch is the moment things changed. One night at Saddle Ranch, we watched two kids walk into the bathroom to go have sex. She was like, what do you think they're doing? And I was like, they're having sex. She was like, what? I was like, yeah, they're gonna have sex. Are you gonna do coke and have sex? Who knows? I was like, we used to be young, and that broke, that woman. And we drove home from Saddle Ranch. She pulled the car into the carport, looked at me. We did not speak the whole ride, looked at me and goes, I ain't old yet. And got naked in my car and fucked me in my car. And I from that. So there's everything after Saddle Ranch.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay, go Leanne.

[Bert Kreischer]

But there's still hints of Oleanne, right? So like, like Olie and would be like, hey, we should try something different. I'm going to tie you up. And she'd go, no. And then it was over. And you were like, okay, yeah. So like, so we go to. We go to Santa Monica. So I'm working out with Arnold the next morning. Really excited. The movie's coming out, a bunch of stuff's happening.

[Podcast Host 1]

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[Podcast Host 2]

And you can even get paid up.

[Podcast Host 1]

To two days early with direct deposit. Some banks still don't do that, which is wild. Chime is fee free and has overdraft coverage you can actually count on. And one of the coolest parts, you can build credit using your own money. No interest, no annual fees, no weird fine print. Cash back and credit building on the same card just make sense. It's modern banking that doesn't make you feel broke just for existing Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. It just takes a few minutes to sign up. Head to chime.com bunny that's chime.com b u n n I e Chime is.

[Podcast Host 2]

A financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services A secured Chime Visa credit card and MyPay line of credit provided by the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA. MyPay eligibility requirements apply and credit limit ranges $20 to $500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com feesinfo advertised annual percentage yield with Chime+status only. Otherwise 1.00% APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on time Payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms.

[Podcast Host 1]

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[Podcast Host 2]

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[Podcast Host 1]

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[Podcast Host 2]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Cement mobile.com we go and we're kind of exploring section we're starting to have more fun. I can't get into too much detail but like and so we go to the shutters and they have an intimacy kit and I am very vulnerable. The reason I never talked during sex because I never felt safe during Sex. I always felt like. I always felt, like, nervous, and I didn't want you to know who I was. I wanted you to be cool with thinking of what I was. So I pulled the intimacy kit, and we've had a couple glasses of wine or whatever, and I go. And I said, hey, do a feather. And she was like, yeah. And I go, you want me to rub you with a feather? And she went, no. And the way she said it shut me down. And I went, okay. And then she saw that it hurt me. And I think she saw that that wasn't the right direction for us with the girls leaving and all that and just me, her. And then she was like. She was like, hey, I didn't mean it like that, but she saw that I was hurt and she kind of, like, rebounded. And I was like, listen, I don't even wanna have sex. I just wanna go to bed. Let's get. I got an early morning. Let's. She's like, hey, no. And so then that night.

[Podcast Host 2]

This is the sweetest shit I've ever heard.

[Bert Kreischer]

The feather changed everything. And now it's. I. I have a feeling I'm wearing a feather hat right now as I say this.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yep, you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I picked a different hat.

[Podcast Host 2]

It was meant to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was meant to be. It was meant to be.

[Podcast Host 2]

It was meant to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So now we text feathers to each other and that's our. Or like, emoji is a feather. And then. So last yesterday, I texted her feather. And then she goes. She called immediately. She goes, I'm driving. But don't you have that hidden album? And I was like, yeah. She's like, well, enjoy your hidden album.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love Leanne. She's amazing. If Leanne had to write a Yelp review of you guys sex life, what would she say? Is Bert speechless?

[Bert Kreischer]

This mom and pop. This mom and pop restaurant has gotten so much better with aids.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that. That is amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not for everybody.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that you guys are empty nesters, though. And you can tell that you guys are so much closer and having so much fun because, like, I see you guys, like, running around Paris and just you're naked all the time and like, clothes are shown around hotel rooms. Like, I think that's so inspiring because. How long have you guys been together?

[Bert Kreischer]

20. Georgia's 21. We had Georgia. Georgia was technically at our wedding, so we've been together 21 years. But we were together two years before that, so probably 23 years.

[Podcast Host 2]

I.

[Podcast Host 1]

And to keep the love alive, especially.

[Podcast Host 2]

In a Hollywood relationship is crazy. And the closeness that, like, she's your best friend. I can tell by the way that you talk about her.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm always blown away by that, though.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I always go, like, so I used to have this thing where I. If whatever relationship I was, I was never happy in relationships. And I. I figured that was just what life was, that you'd always want the bigger house, the. The bigger yard, the bigger, nicer car, and the better. And the hotter wife and the hotter girlfriend and the sexier girlfriend. And that was what college was like for me. I never was happy with where I was. I used to have a saying. I always wanted to be in the other car. Like, I'd get in the car with my girlfriend. Then I. Whatever car I saw with another girl, I go, I wish I was in that car.

[Podcast Host 2]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the other day, we're driving to Naples. Listen, I'm not. I'm not on my wife. I'm just telling you like it is. We're driving to Naples. She's 56, 55. 56, 50. Is she. I don't know. She is like, 55, 56. We're in a convertible. She's got. Her arms. She's got a little dangle meat right here. Her chin's like this. And she looks like she's got a scowl. She looks like a frog. And she's like. And she's got sunspots. And for whatever reason, for whatever reason, I'm just sitting there going, this is the car I want to be in. And I was like, I can't. I say that to her all the time. I go, can you believe that I still love you? Like, it's crazy. You're not supposed to love someone this long. Like, people get divorced and get new wives. I've seen it so many times.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, we did, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I'm like, for whatever reason, this jalopy that I married, I love. It's so crazy.

[Podcast Host 2]

She makes you feel safe. You guys feel safe. And I don't care what anybody says, that other car gets old. The minute you get in that other car, guess what? That girl gets older. That car gets older. Like, you found your safe space. And that is so important, I think, in relationships where people don't realize, like, if you can laugh together, grow old together, fudgeing. Be each other's, like, just sounding boards. Like, even when you guys have arguments, the way you guys resolve things, the. What did you guys call it? The pulpit or the summit? Summit. You know, like all of that. Like, those Are examples of what. And I find it crazy that you and Leanne, while you. Leanne, definitely. But you guys are great examples of what, like a long lasting relationship should look like. It's healthy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we definitely have a healthy relationship. We have a very. You know, the thing I keep saying is, like, you know, I don't know if I'd have the interest in investing this much time with someone.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Again, like, if I, if something happened, our relationship and I, I can't imagine it ever happening, but if something happened, I would never want. I don't care to invest this. We have so many good inside jokes. It's like all I have to do to this woman is go, oh, and she knows it. Says that says 12 stories.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, if, if you, like, if I'm in a bad mood, she can go poo poo bands. And immediately I'm like, God damn it. So, like, there's so much nuance to the, the beauty of a long relations. You have so many great inside jokes. And she's better than anything. I mean, look, you know, you get your franchise playing years in every sport as a parent or as a person. I have my high school years, I have my college years. I have my young comedy years. I have my single comedy years. I have my dating years in Hollywood. I had my dating years of Leanne. I had married to Leanne, I had dad, and now I have empty nest dad. Out of all those years, I'd say my best years are happening right now. Right now are my best years. Her best years, without a doubt. It gets her sad when I bring it up. She was the best mom. Better mom than any you've ever seen. This woman took it so serious to be a mom that she's created this crazy great relationship with our girls and me that she fostered. She didn't have it growing up. She made it. She didn't. She was, she's, you know, she's still running Girl Scout troop meetings because when Georgia and Isla started Girl Scouts, there were girls in kindergarten wanted to be in and she didn't want to leave those girls. There's girls. My girls were in college. Liam's still a girls Scout troop leader because she had a commitment to these kids than when they were in kindergarten.

[Podcast Host 2]

So, like, she's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a great. She's pretty awesome. I like her.

[Podcast Host 2]

She's the best. Can we talk about your dating life in Hollywood before Leanne? What was that like?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a mess. It was.

[Podcast Host 2]

So what was. Explain to me what era of birth. That was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was so. So just. So we put everything on the table so we know where we're standing. I've only had sex with six chicks, okay? So I'm not. I'm. It's because the first time I had sex, it went so poorly that I was, like, not doing that with anyone else unless I really trust them.

[Podcast Host 2]

What happened? Because I had the worst first time, too. But, I mean, we see where it landed me.

[Bert Kreischer]

So sometimes I think I want the.

[Podcast Host 2]

Complete opposite of you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think when you have bad ones the first time and it's good for you.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It creates texture.

[Podcast Host 2]

What happened? Can we talk about it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was. It was just. I mean, it's just. It's comedy, really. It's like a. It's like American Pie almost.

[Podcast Host 2]

How old were you?

[Bert Kreischer]

17 years old. I had thought about this.

[Podcast Host 2]

We were late bloomers. I didn't have. I didn't lose my virginity till six.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. I wanted it. 14. I was ready.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought I was ready. 15. I'm like, okay, any minute now. At 16, I'm like, maybe I'm gay. I was like, this. Why isn't this happening? What is happening? At 17, I was like, all right. I met a girl and I knew she had had sex, so I was like, all right, this is a possibility. We started dating. She was like the hottest girl at our school or at the girls school. I went to an all boys Catholic high school. And then that night, we went to her friend's dad's crash pad. Like her dad had, like, a bachelor pad. I don't know. And double date. And then we watched Pet Sematary.

[Podcast Host 2]

That'll get you in the mood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right. Get the motor running, Daddy light. And we went back to the room, and I was. I. I went in, got her naked, went to put the condom on. And as I put the condom on, I'd never done it, so I unrolled it all the way and was like, whoa, that's. What neighborhood did we buy this in? That's bigger than I thought it would be. I'd never seen one. I never put a condom. You don't put condoms on if you're not gonna use one.

[Podcast Host 2]

And back in the day. They didn't teach us that in school.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. At an old boys Catholic high school. Do you know what they showed us freshman year? A third trimester abortion on tv. We sat through and watched the whole abortion.

[Podcast Host 2]

Where was this? Jesuit high school in Cali.

[Bert Kreischer]

In town in Tampa.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

We watched a third trimester everybody. That is when the baby is fully.

[Podcast Host 2]

I know. That's crazy. I can't even believe they did that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I can't believe it happened either, to be dead honest with you.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I texted Ty Rodriguez one time. I was like, did we watch an abortion as kids? And he was like, yep. But. So I go to put the condom on, and I just go, oh, you must slide it on. Right? Is that because you remember in Revenge of the Nerds when they were all the way unwrapped and they went like this? I figured that's how you do it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then it filled with air, and I'm like, that can't be good because there's air trapped in there. So I'm trying to squeeze the air out. Now I'm making balloon animals down there. And then I'm like, all right, all right, this condom's done. All right. So I get another condom. I put that on that one. I remember putting the condom on. Felt good. I get on top of her, and it's one, and on the withdrawal, I just. I'm like.

[Podcast Host 2]

Was she a virgin too, or. She was. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

She looked at me and said, are you gonna put it in? My dick was between her butt cheek in the bed. I didn't even fuck a person.

[Podcast Host 2]

Bert, I want to hug you right now. You poor baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am 17 years old, and I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, now, listen, I can go into wild, great detail of how the next 30 minutes transcended, but suffice to say, I didn't have another condom. We still had sex. It was a fucking nightmare. I mean, I could tell you things that you would not believe. I mean, it was so bad. Top to bottom. I'll tell you this, and if you need to bleep, bleep, bleep it, just for God forbid, any reason. At the end, when I got done, I figured she had had an orgasm. I figured maybe I.

[Podcast Host 2]

You finally got it in, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but it's like going. It's like going, hey, you want to go for a hike? And someone's like, yeah, let's jump in the river, get our socks wet first. And you're like, oh, this will be a fun hike.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then so long. I'm like. In my head, I'm like, I don't think this is how you're supposed to. Condom. Am I getting her pregnant? And then I get done, I pull it out, and it's still there. The condom's still there. It's not on me. It's in there.

[Podcast Host 2]

And I'm like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm pulling, pulling tug of war, tug of war. Snap hits my hand, hits off the thing and hits on a fucking mirror. I swear to God. And I'm sitting there going. I walked into the bathroom from that bedroom. I looked in the mirror. I was like, who the fuck are you? I would literally have like, a. Like, that's not how it's supposed to be done, big guy. We thought we'd be better at this.

[Podcast Host 2]

You put her baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I had my first anxiety attacks after that, I started getting anxiety attacks. So I was like, I have aids. I have. I got her pregnant. I'm not ready to be a parent. I'm never doing this again. And, like.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you think that that situation caused so much, like, PTSD for you that it literally sent you into panic attack spirals?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And I was like, I'm never having. I'm not gonna have sex again unless I'm dating them and I'm willing to have a kid with them in my head. And so I waited another probably two years to have sex and then had sex freshman year of college and then dated that chick for, like, five years.

[Podcast Host 2]

Because you just felt you. You were so scared to even try to go anywhere else.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, she likes what I do. I was like, you know, it's almost like if you're bad at karaoke.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're not the one going, hey, let's go to karaoke.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then you'll go to them, but you're like, I'd rather not sing.

[Podcast Host 2]

And then you'll get up on stage when you're drunk, you know, because when you're comfortable.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then.

[Podcast Host 2]

I had to pop my own cherry. The first time I had sex.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never understood what a cherry was. I've never been with a virgin.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I've ever been. Is. I rented a car that had 14 miles.

[Podcast Host 2]

So. And so when the woman. When you have sex with a woman that's a virgin for the first time, she has this piece of skin called the hymen. When the penis goes in, it rips the skin. We bleed. And that's how you know that you're with a virgin or whatever. So, yeah. That my first time, the guy who I was with, had him. And this is in my book, had a micro penis. I'm talking, like, half of my pinky. Like, it was very tiny. And listen. And I'm not shaming anybody with a micro penis. You know, we'll never yuck. Anybody's yum. Some people are into those. But, you know, the first time you have sex, you kind of need depth to pop the hymen. And he just couldn't do it. So I threw him down on a lawn chair and straddled him and popped my own cherry. And that is how my sexcapades in life started.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I never got. I don't think I ever got comfortable having sex with someone until the end, like, where I was like, actually, I've said this a lot. I've said this to her recently. I mean, this sounds really creepy to hear from a guy who's been married to her for 21 years, but I say I've said it a lot lately. Thank you so much for letting me be who I am in bed. Because I never, ever spoke during sex. I never tried anything, if anything adventurous. I never tried it because I was just like. I was like, I don't want to hear. No, I don't want to fuck up. I just want to keep it on the rails. And now she has allowed me and by way in the twilight of our marriage, meaning, like, after. Not when we were first started dating. Not when we were young and we could have taken pictures and it would have been great. Now she's allowed me to be who I am, and I was never. I have no interest in starting that journey with anyone else.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that. I just hearing that you've only been with six women in your entire life is mind blowing to me. And I think that'll be mind blowing to other people, too, because you're freaking Bert Kreischer. You're the machine. You're Dan Wilder. Was literally, you inspired that movie, which is crazy to me because I grew up watching that movie, and that was one of my favorite movies. And then when I found out that it was inspired by you, I was like, this is freaking full circle. Like, it's so crazy, but you and my husband are a lot alike in so many ways. And I think so. Yeah. Oh, no. You guys are like, he's the same way with Jason. Cut this out. But he's the same way sexually, too. Like, you know, he's. And now that he's lost all his weight, he's, like, starting to explore, and I'm just like, use me. Use me and abuse me, baby. But he told me that you invited him to go do something with some CrossFit people. Yeah, I don't know if we're allowed to talk about that, but there's these.

[Bert Kreischer]

Twin crossfit women that live here in, I think, out by here, and they have a gym, and they invited us to work out. And I was like, yo, let me hit Jelly, see if he wants to go.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, not with this face.

[Podcast Host 2]

My poor baby shaved his beard. And so the. The Internet has it all wrong. He hasn't seen his face in 20 years, so he doesn't know what he looked like under there. And he's like, baby, after I do this photo shoot, the Men's Health cover, he's like, I'm gonna shave my beard, and I want to see what it looks like. And I'm like, okay, okay. And so we go in the bathroom, and he just starts, you know, shaving. And he looked so hot. Bert with a cop stash. Oh, my God. It was like his mullet and the cop stash. I was like, ooh. And then he shaves, and the goate hot, too. And then he shaves it off. And it fucking changed everything. I was like, it's not terrible, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But then we walk out, and the kid starts crying. Bailey starts crying and is just like, oh, my God, dad, don't ever do that. Have you. When was the last time you shaved your face?

[Bert Kreischer]

So the last time I shaved, it was, like, right when my life changed. So, like, I always. I always say there's, like. You know, I look at things and I do this dramatically, like, leanne, it'll roll her eyes. There was a phrase where I said, there's two. There's two parts of my life. There's life before I knew about black widow spiders and life after I knew about black widow spiders. So our house was infested with black widow spiders, and my OCD was insane. And then I. And then we got past it. No one got bit. And I went, okay. But I say this with my career. There's life before I posted the Machine Story and life after. And that one day that I post a machine, that week was a crazy fucking week for me in that. And it's all represented by Credence Clear Order Revival. That's. The music defines that one week. Yeah, but it. 2016, December 27th, that week I posted the Machine Story, I was doing New Year's Eve at Oxnard. No one showed up. They were paying me 25 grand, and they lost their ass on it. And I knew that was going to come back for my next year, so I was like, I'm fucked financially next year. I gotten fired from Travel Channel. My special didn't Perform. Leanne was redoing our house, and she wanted to get me to get a vasectomy all in this one week. And Tom was fat shaming me, and we were doing Rogan to weigh in, and the loser was getting his beard shaved off. Oh. And I was.

[Podcast Host 2]

A lot of stress.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so much stress. And. And I.

[Podcast Host 2]

Why did Leanne have to throw in the vasectomy on top of all of that? It was a must.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like. I remember we got the dumbest fight. I was like, does stuff still come out? She goes, does it matter? I go, yeah, I'm not paying for procedure. So every time I have an organism, it looks like my dick has a dry heaves.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's like dust.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Just like the fairy dust. Like glitter sprinkles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so she. And so then we went and we weighed in with Joe three times. Tom won the first one or no, two times. Tom won the second one. And then he got to shave my beard. Now, you can find this online. It is. Tom and I have, like, three. We have, like, probably 10 times. We've laughed the hardest together. This is in my Rememory number two. This is the second hardest we've ever laughed together is Tom shaved my beard, and he got to see what I look like first. I didn't get to see it. And his eyes were like, it's not good. And he. And I started laughing so hard. You can see that if you watch this video. Yeah. I think Rogan shot it on his phone. But it is two guys who absolutely love each other having a moment of just pure comedy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Can we bring this up?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't know if you can find it.

[Podcast Host 2]

We have a TV right now that we can look at it on. I have to see what you look like without a beard.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what's. It gets worse. Don't even find the video because it's not worth.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get the beard, shave. Tom leaves me with a thin mustache. I get out of the car, and Isla's in the front yard. She had to be 10 years old. And she goes, you look like a pervert.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, how do you know what a pervert looks like? She goes, I'm staring at one right now. And it was. It was. But what's crazy about it? So then I shave the mustache. I shave. I shave clean. And then I look in the mirror, and it's bizarre. I mean, there's got to be a therapy term for this. I have not seen that kid since college. I haven't seen him since early, like, freshman year of college when I started growing to goatee. I was 21. I haven't seen that kid in. At the time, it must have been, you know, 25 years.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I looked at him, and I had a conversation with him, and I was like, dude, what have you been doing? And he was like. And he was like. He was like, I've been watching you. And I was like. I was. So I got emotional because I was like. I was like, dude, we're. It was almost like time traveling. I was like, hey, man, we're doing really good. Like, we just. Like, it's rough right now, but things are gonna turn around. And then the machine story went viral, and I was like. I was like, I think things are looking. I was. I had a time travel conversation with myself. It's a crazy thing that not anyone gets to do, but these men that have had beards for 25 years get to look back into the looking glass and see what they looked like and talk to themselves. It was wild. I got high. I was highest.

[Podcast Host 2]

Were you on mushrooms?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. We had just done Rogan.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was very high, and I was drunk, and I went in and I shaved clean. And I looked at myself, and I had this bizarre. Because I kiss myself in the mirror sometimes.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I feel bad, I'll lean in and I'll kiss myself.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's like an affirmation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

I love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. But it was crazy. And I thought when I saw his face, I was like, I wonder what. I wonder who he saw.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, who was that last? I bet. I don't. I was like, I don't think he's ever been. It's been while. Since he'd been that skinny, too.

[Podcast Host 2]

Who, Jay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, yeah. No, it's been. He's so tiny now. Like, it's crazy. He hasn't been this skinny ever in his entire life. His wiener has grown. Like, it's. I'm like, where did that come from? Like, it hurts now. I'm like, what is happening, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so. I'm so. You know, I was saying to someone, they're like, you know, said something. I. I casually will say. I just say, jelly.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm never gonna. Friends that. I know that they're real names, but I never say the thing. I'd say the thing when I met them. Right?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Casually said, jelly. And someone goes, oh, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, yeah. And like, no, no. Have you? No. Have you Been tracking it. I went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, no. Oh, I was on an airplane. I was on an airplane. And I was saying. We were. The guy was talking about diplo having a 5K.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I ran a 5k with. I run a 5k with my buddies, Tom and Jelly. And they were like. He was like, oh, dude, Jelly roll. And I went, yeah. He goes, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And he was like, no, no, no, no. Have you. You. Do you. You. Have you seen a picture, though? And they started pulling up pictures, and I'm on Meadows. Like, I was like, yeah, I've been there. It's intimate to me because I remember that moment. I have to share this with a bunch of people. But the four of us crossed that finish line.

[Podcast Host 2]

You inspired him a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

You said, I think you might have changed his life. And Jelly's like, I think this changed my life. I mean, it's the accomplishment of doing a 5k when you're at that size.

[Podcast Host 2]

Listen, I did the 5k with you guys and could barely keep up.

[Podcast Host 1]

Up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Travis Barker's just running laps around us.

[Bert Kreischer]

He didn't even know we ran it. He ran in the. Like, he got up, ran it, and then left.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, no problem. We're like. We see him pass us twice, and we're still on the same freaking loop. It was. It was a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a lot.

[Podcast Host 2]

But that day, that really was like. You have been such a good role model for Jay and such an inspiration for him, because even just inviting him to that 5k just lit a fire under his ass. And he's like, forest. That boy has not stopped running. He literally woke up this morning and went running. You know, like, he's just. It was. It's a beautiful moment, and I. I can't wait till he can actually tell the whole story of, like, how it's inspired him and stuff like that. You had a huge role in that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I have. I mean, our. You know, he said. Well, he said seven phones since I've first known him.

[Podcast Host 2]

You have to get a hold of me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I gave up.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gave up.

[Podcast Host 2]

Everybody, like, literally, Jon Bon Jovi just texted me the other day. He's like, hey, can you tell Jay this? But he's got Jay's number. But it's like, you know, like, people always have to tell text me, because then the message will get to him. He. I don't even keep up with all of his phones either. What inspired you to start these 5Ks?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I wish I had a noble answer.

[Podcast Host 2]

Because, like, it's become, like, a huge thing. The one that we ended up going to. There was a ton of people there. Now people really look forward to it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we had 9, 000 in Tampa.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which is crazy. I mean, that's like. For people to go run. That's pretty wild. In all honesty. We were doing a podcast, me and Tom and I had gone to shows and I'd done these meet and greets. And I was like, my fans are like me. I was like, we need to get in shape. And I thought very selfishly, if I don't get them in shape, I'm not gonna have a fan base in 10 years.

[Podcast Host 2]

Aww.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I gotta get them in shape. Cause I still wanna do standoff.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love your logic. He's like, I don't need to get into shape, but I need to get my fans into shape.

[Bert Kreischer]

I need them more than they need me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

They go. They yell, I love you, bird. I go, I love you way more than you love me. I can't operate without you.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get nothing without you. You are the most important thing to me. So I said to Tom, we need to get our fans in shape on the podcast. And he was like, yeah. And Tom had just run his first 5k with his buddy, had cancer, and he said he'd do it for his buddy. And Tom blew up about it. Now I had been doing 5Ks marathons, half marathons, triathlons, Spartan race, tough. I did the first tough mudder they held. I did that. That, like, I've always been into that culture and I've.

[Podcast Host 2]

And you're an athletic big guy. I don't even think you're, like, big. You just have your little tummy. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. I'm shockingly athletic.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm surprisingly athletic.

[Podcast Host 2]

So is my husband. I call him an agile big guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I. I was. And I've always done it because the party afterwards, a blast. The party after. The best race you can run is half marathon. It really tests you. You. It really pushes you. And the party after is awesome.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

A marathon. Never do another one again unless Jelly does one. I'll do one with him.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, but I want to do one you should do. I think he wants to do, what is it, a 10 or 20? He wants to do one where I have to go meet him at the stops or something like that. I Don't listen. Let him get it out of his system. He wants to do it. He wants to skydive too. I'm not doing that. Will you skydive with him?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me, I've just gotta have twice. It's not worth it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. It will give him something that it wouldn't give you. It will give you something he could never get, and you would get and edit whatever you want out of this. But me and you have very similar brains. And I know that because of any time Jelly's hit his dab rig, we have very similar brains. We have a little bit of an OCD to us.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, I have a lot. I know you do.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you do. And I. I do as well.

[Podcast Host 1]

Where does your OCD stem from?

[Bert Kreischer]

Same. I don't know. For a very long time, I could not. I. The first time I ever smoked marijuana. Not first time, but, like, the fifth time, I had the weird, worst panic attack I've ever had my entire life.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, God. I did that with a gravity bong hit one time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And from that point in high school and until I'm almost embarrassed saying this, until I was probably 37, maybe 40, I couldn't. If you smoked weed around me, I would feel it. Like, I could feel it in my throat.

[Podcast Host 2]

I'm the same way.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I could not be around it. And it was doing Rogan's podcast where I was like, I have to. I can't not be in a room where people smoke weed. This is crazy. And so I started smoking, like, almost microdose smoking weed just so that I could be around it in these podcasts. I love doing the podcast.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And everyone in LA was smoking weed at the time.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. And that's a good idea, though, because they say that for ocd, exposure therapy is the best way to get yourself over that thing that you are OCD about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But the thing you. The reason you don't want to skydive is the same reason I didn't want to skydive. And it is why, if you skydive, it is the craziest conversation you get to hear in your head. It is. There is a moment of fear.

[Podcast Host 2]

I feel like I'd croak up there.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's pure clarity. Pure clarity when you jump out and you're screaming at the earth and you realize the dice have been rolled. There's no fixedness.

[Podcast Host 2]

There's no I'm croaking right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no pill I can take to. To. To. To retrofit this death, I either am going to die or live. And how do I accept that moment?

[Podcast Host 2]

I don't want to be in that position.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a crazy realization and dare I say, worth it to do it once. Don't do it twice. I did it twice. And the second time I was like, I've already been here. Why are we doing this again? This is stupid. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy doesn't know my boundaries.

[Podcast Host 2]

I have an extreme fear of heights, so there's like, I cannot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a. I'm telling you, when I say you should do it, you should do it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Only because I want to faint thinking about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The plane ride up is horrific.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, God. And it's one of those rickety ass planes, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And no one cares. Even though, like, everyone's got parachutes on, so they're like, hey, hey, hey. And then when they opened the door, I did it. First time I did it was with Rachael Ray. And when they open the door and they. And the crazy thing is they go, put your hands on your, you know, your. Because they don't want you grabbing things.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you put your hands on. And then they go, we're gonna get out to the edge. And you are outside of the plane. You are outside of the plane. And he is in and he's holding on, but you are. You're out. You're. It's already started for you and there's no turning back.

[Podcast Host 2]

They don't let you not jump.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. They don't let you not jump.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nobody. They don't let you not jump. The dude's already strapped into you. He's going.

[Podcast Host 2]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Going to land the plane with you.

[Podcast Host 2]

No. God, my butthole's puckered right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know who Mel Robbins is?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is awesome. Yeah. And she wrote a book called Let them. And. And there's control things in it. And it's one of those control things that I had where it was great and I did it the second time and I take it or leave it, the second time I. I was like, I already had the experience and nothing wasn't for. For people like me and you. The first time's the one that's doing it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Just the initial jumping off the, you know, jump off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you jumped off a, like a 10 meter high dive?

[Podcast Host 2]

No, I. No, not a 10 meter. I'm trying to think because I was on a diving team when I was younger, but I don't think it was that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the platform the high. High.

[Podcast Host 2]

No, not that high.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's terrifying.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, I couldn't even imagine the. With my luck and the shape of my ass, if I even turn the wrong way, I am belly flopping or back flopping. There's no in between. Okay. I'm going one way or the other. There no straight line for me, buddy. Not happening. All right, so we never. We never did this game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Porn. Porn. Porn. God, I told you I'm the worst in interviews because I derail so easily.

[Podcast Host 2]

I loved it. We. It's a beautiful conversation, but this is. Is it a porn category or an energy drink flavor? All right, ready? And it's rapid fire, so you just have to say porn. Energy drink. Cream pie crush.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's porn.

[Podcast Host 2]

Hardline.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's flavor.

[Podcast Host 2]

Titty sprinkles.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's porn.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wet works.

[Bert Kreischer]

Porn.

[Podcast Host 2]

Milfuel.

[Bert Kreischer]

Porn.

[Podcast Host 2]

Red Dragon.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's energy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wrong. Bang bus.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's porn.

[Podcast Host 2]

Good job. You did really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Those guys words.

[Podcast Host 2]

I really thought the hard line was gonna catch you. No, I thought the hard line was gonna get you. He's like, nope, that's an energy drink. I'm gonna ask you a couple more questions, just some fun questions that we can get some answers to. What is the dumbest thing that you've ever done naked that you're willing to admit today?

[Bert Kreischer]

So much. I've done so much naked.

[Podcast Host 2]

I know. That's why I thought it was a great question. Because literally, what haven't you done naked is pretty much what, you know, they've.

[Bert Kreischer]

All panned out for me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I took a. On a pizza box to win an election in college and. And worked out, you know, I won the election, A. And then B, it got written up in Rolling Stone and became, like, kind of like folklore. So, like, I think, you know, I. I got turned on and naked. Pretty young at, like. I wasn't comfortable with my body. Looked like. And then when I was a freshman in college, there was this dude. I won't say his name because I've said it a bunch. And he's a huge hedge fund guy in Miami.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And he apparently.

[Podcast Host 2]

Does he want to be associated with you or. No?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was in my fraternity. I don't know. He. He was older than me, but he would get naked all the time. And he was. And he didn't have a big dick. And I was like, that's crazy that he gets naked and he doesn't have a big dick. And someone goes, that's not a big dick. And I went, no. And he's like, oh, I figured because he pulls it out, it's big. And then I realized, no guy is a big dick.

[Podcast Host 2]

I think you told us that you were swiped up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm okay. Yeah, but Leanne. But. But. And so I just was like, oh, that's a power move. It's like with guys. Not with girls dominating, but with guys, it's like drop chow. And then everyone.

[Podcast Host 2]

Like, Greek times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I had. I was one of those guys. I'm in the group of guys that getting naked didn't. Never bothered me. And now I almost have a problem with it. Like, I get like, Kyle woke me up the other day with his mom and our tour bus, and it's a true story. And he goes. He was at his childhood home, and he wanted me to wake up to see it. We were on the bus, and I heard him go, he's awake. He's naked, but he's awake. So, like, I sleep naked. The dumbest thing I've ever done naked probably was a slip and slide. I cut. I sliced my ass hole. No, no, the. The tailbone Bad.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fell off the bed one time having sex with Leanne and landed on a razor, and I cut my ass open pretty aggressively.

[Podcast Host 2]

What the hell was a razor doing on the ground? Got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's just say they call me the Barber of Seville.

[Podcast Host 2]

That is hilarious. What comedian would you least want to see naked? Naked?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen Tom naked.

[Podcast Host 2]

Who smells worse on tour, you or Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's gonna be me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Tom. Tom's.

[Podcast Host 2]

He's like, I'm taking that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom's a very fancy boy. Tom is Tom. There's two versions of Tom. There's hot sauce in his backpack, back pocket Tom. And then there's like, oh, my God, I have money Tom.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he was the funnest person to watch Get Rich because he was poor for so long, and then one day he was like, dude, you know, I could have two chargers for an iPhone. I don't have to plug it in the wall and then walk over there to charge my. Like, he was like. He was the funniest person to watch Get Rich because then he'd be like, like, yo, I can buy stuff I don't need. But he is like, cologne, shower, fresh clothes laid out.

[Podcast Host 2]

Is he, like, Metro now?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's very. He tucks his shirt in now.

[Podcast Host 2]

What the hell?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. He is. He is a. He's very. A very, very, very clean guy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wow. I would have never Guessed that I am not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love when my body smells. Yeah, I love a good.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're like a brute. You're like a real. Just. You're just a boy's boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have to be into men if you have sex with me. Yeah, like, you have, like, Leanne, like, likes men. Like, she. She doesn't like, like, boys, right? She, like, when we first started dating, I was, I was, I was. I was shaving, like my beat, my. My face. She was like, hey, you're a man. Let it grow a little bit. And so then I started lining it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're a man. Let it grow.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So my beard today, and I was trimming my hair on my chest. She was like, no, be a man. Leanne likes a man.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that. Leanne, like, keeps you in check. She doesn't let you, like, you know, do anything crazy. Like, she always has your best interest.

[Bert Kreischer]

One time, one time we were at a party and there was coke. And I said, yo, there's coke. She goes, okay. And I was like, I'm just giving you a heads up. She's like, you can do it if you want. And I was like, wait, for real? She was like, yeah, I'm not your mom. And I was like, okay. She goes, but listen, if you do it, you can't come home tonight. And I was like, don't worry. Don't worry.

[Podcast Host 2]

Why won't you let you home when.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'Re on the road? Because we had the girls. She's like, I don't want you doing drugs around our girls. Yeah, I didn't do coke.

[Podcast Host 2]

I don't know if, like, you were like, crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I've never. I haven't done coke. I haven't done coke in God since I lived in New York, I think.

[Podcast Host 2]

I mean, you can't do coke nowadays.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Podcast Host 2]

This had to have been years ago because coke nowadays is. You're just literally playing Russian roulette with your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how I feel.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I tell my girls. But yeah, I've. And I've been offered it a couple times.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. By some famous people. And I really. There's a two that I regret that I go, oh, I should have done coke with them. But then I'm glad I didn't because I'm here.

[Podcast Host 2]

I don't like it. Coke makes me, like, rock back and forth. Like, I'd have to be like super shit faced and on zanny bars to be able to do Cocaine. I've done a lot of it, but I never really liked it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I enjoyed it very much, but I did not. The next day was really tough for me. Mentally crazy. Oh. I mean, I, I don't know that I, you know, I don't think I could ever do it again. Just knowing what the next day was.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I don't think I could enjoy it, knowing this is coming up.

[Podcast Host 2]

Do you battle, like, mental health issues?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I mean, I think, I don't know. I don't know because I'm, I also am, like, really tough on myself. So, like, I figure I, I don't know, I figure someone's got it worse than me. Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

I feel the same way whenever I talk about things too, but that does, you can't minimize how you feel based on other people's, those things that they have going on too, because, you know, there's levels, of course, to everything. But I think it helps when we talk about our mental health because it makes people who are going through it not feel like we do, if that makes sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it does when you, like, maybe it does when I, I know people have reached out to me, but I know also that, like, you know how the Internet weaponizes anything you say. Vulnerable against you. Yes. And you're like, ugh. Like, God damn it. I, I look back and I go, I should never have shared anything.

[Podcast Host 2]

Do you know how many news cycles I've been in for opening my mouth, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's like, I'm just being honest. I'm just telling you, I deal with this. And it's like, you know, it's like I know certain things about, I know certain things about certain celebrities that they, where they don't share it because they don't want it out there. And I'm like, that's a smart move.

[Podcast Host 2]

The older, the longer that we're in this business. I do understand why people keep things close to their chest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. It's crazy.

[Podcast Host 2]

They'll demonize you for anything and it stinks. But my husband's getting flack for saying that he wanted to go home when he was in Australia and that he was in a mentally bad place. I read the comments yesterday on a post and people were like, oh, poor you, you're getting paid to sing. Or like, you know, like, and it's just crazy because it's like a man's being very honest with his mental health struggles.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, you know, it's like, I don't know the right way to say this.

[Podcast Host 2]

But it's like, we can bleep it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. But it's like. It's frustrating to me because, you know, it's. There's this wild insensitivity that happens. It's almost. You know, it's like. I don't say people enjoy watching people die, but there is this sense when someone dies that a little bit of the room goes, thank God that's not me. You know, like, almost like. You know, like, I've been to a lot of funerals back when they had them. I haven't been to one in a while. No one does them anymore. And they don't. They don't even do celebrations alive. People just die. And people just go, let's not bring it up. It's like, well, most people die of suicides, but anyway, so. But like, there's this wild insensitivity that's happening, and I'm certain I'm a part of it. I'm certain I've done it. Cause I've been with people that have said it's gross because it happens to them, and then they do it, and within a matter of seconds after that, they'll do it about someone else. And I'm trying to get to the base of, like, what is the thing that's eating me up? Like. And I try to overshare, because if you overshare a little bit, you might get beaten up and attacked for it and whatever. But. But maybe if it helps a couple people.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, then maybe that's just a.

[Podcast Host 2]

Dude like you who's so boisterous, who's so, like, just high on life. I think when people hear, like, hey, I battle OCD like that. I never knew you had OCD.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my OCD's my CDs annoying. Like, it. It is. I don't know what other people is. It's. It really. We used to call it Big Brain versus Little Brain. Is like, Big Brain was. Was the bad guy, and Little Brain was the sweetest guy. He's who I am. I'm Little Brain. Really? And Little Brain would be like, hey, man. I remember. I remember there was a period in. I was in Italy doing Travel Channel. This is when I. I named them. And I was with my whole group, my Travel Channel team. And I had. I had a black spot on the back of my leg. It was just a mole. It's just a mole.

[Podcast Host 2]

I'll freak out.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I.

[Podcast Host 2]

You have health anxiety, too. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, I. I feel it. Trust me, I get it. Every day I'm in chat GPT try to diagnose myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I had. I had a. I was zening a bunch, and I had, like, a lump right there. And I was like, that's it. I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm gone. And this is the way little brain and big brain work. So, yeah, so I feel it, right? And then I. Little brain's like, no, don't worry. It's nothing. It's nothing. Hey, it's nothing. Trust me. It's zins. They don't cause cancer. But. Yeah, but you smoke cigars. That's big brain. You used to smoke cigars. Remember smoking cigars? And little brain's like, but we haven't had one in a while. And he's like, oh, we were smoking them every night for a period there. And then you're like, shut the fuck up, big Brain. And then you go to sleep, and big brain is like, sound asleep. And little brain wakes up first, and he's like, hey, don't wake him up. Let's get through today. Fine. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look in the mirror. And then all of a sudden, you're in the bathroom, you're brushing the teeth, and your big brain wake up and go, have we checked that cancer in our mouth yet?

[Podcast Host 2]

You're like, shut the fuck up. That is the best way to explain ocd.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

That is a phenomenal way.

[Bert Kreischer]

It sucks. And I. I didn't know that I had it. I didn't know that I had panic. I didn't know I had anxiety at all. I just didn't. And then I didn't know I had OCD until I married Leanne, and I got embarrassed of certain rituals I had. I don't mind sharing them now, but, like, these are crazy. Like, I would put booby traps all around the house, right, when we went to bed. Skateboards on every door handle to see.

[Podcast Host 2]

If one of them moved while you were sleeping. I do that when I'm in hotel rooms.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And then before I fly, my flying was my worst is. I had to. I had to shower a certain way, so I had to. I had to cover my whole body in soap. And then I had to get down in, like, a squat, like a full squat, and say a prayer. And then I had to visualize the plane taking off in each direction. Northeast, south, and west six times, flying three times to the next one, landing six times in each direction. And then. And then I had to do it one more time. And then I had to circle myself. It was so crazy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Leanne would watch me, and she was like, what are you doing? And I couldn't talk during it, so I had to sit silent and do this all covered in soap. And then clean off I go. It's what I do before I fly. And if you don't know it and you're sitting in the shower with a man and you watch him do this, you're like, that's fucking crazy. And then I'm getting on the plane. I wore the same outfit flying for, like, 15 years. I wore the same outfit. Like, same. Like, it was jeans, fry boots, the same T shirt from Lucky, a Lucky hoodie, and a leather jacket. Even in the summer, I wore the same outfit flying everywhere I went.

[Podcast Host 2]

I understand that. I won't wear shorts, really, in public places because I don't want my legs to touch things or on planes. If I'm on planes, I have to have my arms covered. I have to always have a flannel over me or a hoodie or something because I cannot touch anything inside airplanes. It freaks me out. Yeah. So I completely understand that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So with these meds. These meds do incite physical illness. So, like, Manjaro does make you ill. Like, yesterday, I couldn't tell if it was me making myself ill or if it was the medicine making myself ill. And so I'm sitting in this, and I have a weird. I've always had a weird thing about my throat closing.

[Podcast Host 2]

Me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've always. And it's like. And I. I threw up violently in. In lax. I don't think it was Manjaro. I think it was. I don't know what it was.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's probably the Manjaro. That stuff's rough. We need to get you on Retta. I really want you to. I'm gonna send you some stuff in our group chat because I really think you'll do good with Retta.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it says shredded. Sounds really good.

[Podcast Host 2]

Shredded and no side effects. And I'm gonna get you the test. More lunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. Yeah, but that's like anything with any med. Any med. The first time I take it, I'm like, I just invited something into my system, Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

I have to do a countdown. So anytime I. Like, I just started these new peptides, and anytime I take a medication, anytime I do an injection, anything new that is, I'm not used to. I have an hour or two hour countdown of my safe window where I'll be completely panicking and we'll freak out. Until then, two Hours passes, and then I'm like, okay. I'm okay. Because I'm so scared of, like, anaphylactic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or like, when we did Something's Burning Me and Jelly, and he wanted to hit his dad rig in the house. And you're like, well, then I'll walk out at that moment. I. I don't know if there's video of it. I felt like I'm talking to a sibling. Like, I was like, when I saw you do that, and you did it at the 5k too. You're like, just don't be upwind. I went. I've never heard. That's almost like. Like, it's almost like saying, like, you meet someone who does the same, like, weird thing you do.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you know, and you keep your secret. You don't tell anyone yours. And then you see them do it. You're like, shut up. And then you're like, I can trust you. Like, it must be what? Like, gay kids feel like it can't when they go. When they go, oh, I suck dicks.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. No, I, I. I'm blown away because I never knew. Like, and it's. It's hell to live with with. But when you learn how to do the exposure therapy, I still can't do it with his dab rigs because I've been locked in a freaking passage 18 passenger van with him when he was doing dabs. I think I'm scarred for life with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

But, like, a lot of other things, like, I've gotten a lot better with. And touring actually helped me with that because it pulled me out of my comfort zone, and I had to be in, like, crusty, freaking, like, amphitheaters and, like, you know, like, stuff that wasn't clean or wasn't. You know, OCD is so many things.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so crazy because I don't get it on stage at all. The safest place I am.

[Podcast Host 2]

Because your mind isn't thinking about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not thinking about it.

[Podcast Host 2]

You can occupy your mind. That's. That's what quiets the OCD noise. So, like, when I'm doing podcasts, I used to freak out and have panic attacks while I was doing podcasts, and now that I've gotten so much comfortable with it, it's because your brain isn't zeroing in on what your body is feeling and, like, trying to trick you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's fun. I'm so glad we're talking about it, because I hope that someone. And I hope there's a fucking 15 year old girl or boy listening to this, going like, that's what I got.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, just don't listen to the first part of the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, don't listen to the first part. But. No, but I think it's so. I think it is healthy. And then, you know, and look. And people will weaponize it against me and they're gonna clip this out and Bert Kreischer crashes out and. And I really hope they don't. And he's mentally broken. And, you know, whatever they're gonna say, you're like, okay, but I guess I hope it helps somebody.

[Podcast Host 2]

No, it will help somebody. And I hate that you have to have that fear of being able to express what's really going on with you trying to help somebody because of how people want to click bait headlines. I think that's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

I heard the craziest thing that I understood that I totally understood. Eddie Murphy changed his laugh because he didn't like the way people were referencing his laugh.

[Podcast Host 2]

That was his original. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he didn't like that it could be weaponized against him or that it would be played out or that it would. That he was predictable. So he. I mean, it's crazy. He changed his laugh. And.

[Podcast Host 2]

And that's like a trademark.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a moment that I had a very recognizable laugh and I noticed that my laugh started to change, but I think it changed because my voice got deeper from drinking or, or throwing up or whatever. No acid reflux, honestly. But my voice has gotten a lot deeper since I've been in this business. But my laugh, like, it's still a high pitched squeal, but it's not as high. I can't go that high anymore. But I was like, God dang it. Can you imagine if you let the world take your joy away? Yeah, but that's, but that's. I mean, that's. The business we're in is like. And Eddie Murphy's been in it the longest. Expose yourself all you can. People are gonna love you. But there are people that will just simply hate you. And you gotta let the hate come your way and just don't let it take your laugh. Like, Eddie Murphy's old laugh was so good.

[Podcast Host 2]

Don't let it take your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys even remember it?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now it's like this.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Oh, I never knew that about that. But that is so. That was such a really, like, gorgeous way of saying it was. Don't let it take your laugh the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Second it takes your sparkle. Right. The second the. And I Say Internet, but it's people too. It's, it's, look, man, go online and watch Karen's. Those people walk in, they're the walking dead, and they're waiting for a kid to fish in their backyard retention pond. And like, you can't fish here. Like, who is he hurting? But those people walk around with the same anger and vitriol that happens on the Internet. And it's cool. Listen, I've never left a negative comment, but that's not to say I never said something negative.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've said negative shit. I've said wild negative shit.

[Podcast Host 2]

I will clap back at somebody, but I, even when I clap back at them, I try not to match their negativity.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I've never, I've never replied in the comments. I don't put it online. But on podcasts, I've said negative shit on, on, in private, I've said negative shit in, on stage.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's everyone.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so don't, don't isolate and go, oh, these comment people are horrible people. No, we do it. I do it. I just, sometimes do it publicly. I just do it like on a podcast, and it comes back to bite me in the ass. As we were sitting here, I was thinking about, about the girl I lost my virginity to, and I was like, I bet I'm gonna have to deal with this later. And so, but like, do people like.

[Podcast Host 2]

That from your past resurface? Oh, all the time if you talk about them, yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's like they're 15 minutes of fame, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, it's, it's my fault. I, I never change anyone's names. I keep the names always the same.

[Podcast Host 2]

I tried to do that in my book. They wouldn't let me. I had everybody on blast. And they were like, like, no, we need to change names.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I was, I, yeah, I'm bad about that. And, and you know, but I think the thing I was saying was I was like, I remember when, when the comments really did affect me. It's like, I think it was right when we bought our new house and I, and I was very self conscious because we, all of a sudden we had this big house, you know, and I was like, and I, I, I lived in this 1100 square foot house on 7000 square feet. And it was very modest, but it was beautiful, it was fun and I was always showing my life and I never had anything to hide. It was great. I loved it, but it was modest. People would come to my house and go, wow, this is small.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'd go, oh, yeah. And yeah. And they're like, no, I mean, I thought it was going to be bigger online. And then when I got to my new house and it was, you know, an acre, 50, 600 square foot house, and I was like, I was very embarrassed to show it. And I was very cognizant not to show it. And when I did post a video, someone was like, he's changed. And it was. And that is the first time I ever saw. And I'm sure they were there before, but that was the first time I ever saw negative comments. And they were affecting me. And I was unable to enjoy my new house because I felt embarrassed for it. And I. And I. And I remember going. I remember I had a social media team who, like, at the time, they were trying to take down anything that's. Anyone that said anything negative about me. And I. And I. I had a moment of clarity where I was like, actually, Tommy called me and he was like. And he was like, this bad video about me. And he was like, I mean, I watched it and I was like, how bad is it? He was like, it's not that bad. Bad. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I mean, it's not that bad. And he goes, yeah, you've. You've changed, man. You're making a ton of money. He was like, that's accurate. Like, yeah. And he was like, but he goes, but you're still Burt. And he's like, and let that change happen, man. Who gives a.

[Podcast Host 2]

And then people want you to stay the same. And that. My. My husband deals with that a lot more than I do because I'm, you know, we're in two different fields and they don't know rapper role. You know, they just know country music artist role.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

And, you know, his rapper fans are always like, oh, you've changed. And Jay's like, thank God. Thank God I've changed. Like, we don't want to still be who we were 20 years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's almost like the Internet hates to see people achieve.

[Bert Kreischer]

They. They love. They love the climb up, right. The second they see you stand on top of the mountain.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And hey, all I'll say is I try to identify because I have the same instinctual feelings. I love my band on the way up, but the second they get to the top and I maybe, maybe they. Maybe they smell their own stink a little bit. There's something that changes. And you got as an artist, you Got to be comfortable with it, because you got to recognize that this is a natural human behavior. What did they go after? Pedro Pascal, right? And it's like, what has that guy done to anybody? Maybe he touched someone's face or something. Who knows? But, like. But, like. But like, they go after every. Everyone gets it. Who's the one that's getting it now? That's like everyone's favorite person, and all of a sudden they're like, yeah, that guy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Ariana Grande is getting it right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

I mean, like, what does she do? She doesn't do anything to anybody. Katy Perry. She gets it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Katy Perry thing threw me through the roof.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's Katy Perry, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is the soundtrack to my daughter's childhood.

[Podcast Host 2]

And she's a sweet woman. I've met her. I've been in her energy. She's not a bad. Like, she doesn't have bad energy. I've met celebrities who have. Have terrible energy. I'll never say who they are, but Katie, just the sweetest little thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hated. I hated what they were doing to her.

[Podcast Host 2]

Living her life. And still now, to this day, like, she can't do anything. She's dating, like, the Canadian governor now or something. Or the ex governor.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, like, Trudeau.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, she's with Justin Trudeau. Like, they will not leave her alone. Like, she just can't do anything. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not, you know, it's. I don't know. It's not fair, but I guess nothing. Life's not fair. You die.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, look, I mean, like, there's someone going. There's someone here in that go. Yeah, it really sucks for Katy Perry. I have pancreatic cancer. And you're like, okay, yeah, life's not fair. Life's not fair. I guess, you know, you get. You know, it's crazy that the, you know, the pure. The rare air that they. They won't touch. You know, like, they show, like, Beyonce, I got. Or. No, what was this song they were doing? They were doing the song from SNL where Kristen had the baby hands.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were. And then they put Katie, and it was just so unfair because I like Katy Perry.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then I guess the ultimate space you want to be in. If you were the Dalai Lama.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'd be laughing.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'd be laughing and going, oh, they got me good. And I know guys like that who can go, they got me good. And I. I think I've gotten. Been. Gotten pretty good.

[Podcast Host 2]

You take it in stride, too, though, like, you know, like, You've accomplished so much. It's like, at this point, anybody could say anything about you. And it's like my track record proves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here'S the things that are true about me. These are the true things. I. I always want people to have a good time.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yes.

[Podcast Host 2]

You always try to make people smile.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Like, Even at the 5Ks, I noticed that about you, because you literally have, like, little stations where everybody's, like, just having a part. You run it kind of like a frat house, and it's the cutest thing ever, but it works.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Leanne says, I. It's a weird thing that, like, I can't. I. If I go into a gas station on the ride home, get a diet Mountain Dew, and you could argue. I'm nicer to the person that I talk to behind that counter than anyone I'll meet all day. I'm so nice to people that I don't know. I said it to Leanne one time, we were arguing, and we walk into a fucking gas station, and all of a sudden she's like, hey, can you turn some of that on for me? But, like, there is a thing where I want to make people smile. I want to make people laugh. I think silly all the time to just, like, comedy is my favorite thing in the world. I never would stop doing comedy because the transaction that I get, you know, the same way a chef would get it for feeding people. But that transaction of coming up with an idea and, like. And, like, the joy, like I said, I'm sure it won't go on my special, so I'll just tell you the joke. But one day, I was like, I'm gonna kill two birds with one stone. I'm going to brush my teeth while I. And so I was like.

[Podcast Host 2]

I was like, did you taste it?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. No. I was like, I'm. I'm on there. By the way, I'm 52 years old, and I'm like, why haven't I been doing this longer? This is like taking a brush my teeth. I go, you know what? And I'm doing the mat. I go, I'm actually brushing my teeth for two minutes. Like, you're supposed to brush your teeth. What if I just cheat coded it and then I'm done and I go to wipe. And as soon as I wipe, I swallowed the toothpaste, and I went, oh, fuck. And then I started laughing. I go, that's a joke, right? That's a joke. And then I go, oh, I don't want to lose that sparkle. That Goes, hey, I'm so. I'm see if I can kill two birds with one stone. That's the sparkle you don't want to lose. Is that walking through your backyard, loving your backyard, getting into your gym, loving being so grateful that you have an awesome gym and a great coffee maker to make a Duplio espresso iced coffee. And then turn on Netflix and know you can pay for Netflix. And then you get phone calls from great fucking people. So many times I'd get into the gym and I'd have a message from Jelly going, when does this walking shit get better? And you'd be like, yes. Or laying back while you're stretching in the gym, having the sun hit your face, and thinking about your friends who have it tougher than you and going, God, man, I got it good today. That's the thing. You can't let the world take. Take all that good stuff away. Yeah. You know, and I think that's. That's where I'm at right now is like, I started journaling, although I haven't journaled in, like, four days, but I started journaling on my 53rd birthday.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And sometimes they're the ravings of a madman, but sometimes they're really, like, cool. Like, you know, do you write for.

[Podcast Host 2]

You, or do you write in hopes that somebody reads it?

[Bert Kreischer]

That is a great question.

[Podcast Host 2]

Well, because I journal, too, so I know how I journal.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I lost a joke book, and it was terrifying. Oh. Because that. I never had thought of losing a joke book.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this was. I mean, a joke. A joke book was my safe place.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's like a playbook for the NFL.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I stopped keeping joke books because of it. Because it was so terrifying that I was like, and my name's in it. Like, I write my name. Hey, you return to Bert. Because I think I would leave it at the store.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. And then I. I. In that time, I got very famous, and I didn't realize that for a young comic, now they have leverage. They have my joke book, and they read it, and they're like, whoa, this is a crazy joke. This isn't even funny. This is kind of wild. Right? And. And then that changed the way I did therapy because I started lying in therapy.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because. Yeah, because it was. Because it was.

[Podcast Host 2]

Did you get scared? You don't know who you can trust.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know who I could trust. I don't know about VPNs. And if someone logs into my. I mean, look, man, you tell me someone can't log into my FaceTime with my. My therapist.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And download it and then put it online and then monetize it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Have them come to your house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so now. Now it's in person.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay, good.

[Bert Kreischer]

The value of it being in person is insane.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's a couple stairs, me and Leanne. But when I kept this journal, as I started writing in it, I went, what if someone finds this? And then I was like. And then I. What I did is I just changed my handwriting to so bad that no one else will ever be able to understand it except for me.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that. And so if they find it, it's going to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

So if they find it, they're not gibberish. It's going to be in gibberish, and my name's not on it anywhere. And my goals are in it. But my goals are all. My goals are all very. They're very emotional goals. They're like, take Georgia on a trip by herself. Take Ilo on a trip by herself. Run a 5K under 30 minutes. They're all, like, very personal. Nothing's financial anymore. Nothing is career wise. Nothing is. I feel like I'm not. Not that I have accomplished all my goals in my career. I still have tons of goals, but they're not. My things are all personal. And then the last one, I do 50. Whatever year I am, I do that many goals for the year. And on my 53rd goal, my very last goal. That's always the best one because you're done.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't have to fill out 53 goals anymore. And you sit and you think. And I was like, yo, jump out of bed and journal. Just get the fuck out of bed and journal.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I've been doing that. And. And yeah. And it's been. It's been really helpful, I think. I think mentally I'm in a better place because I journal.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yes.

[Podcast Host 2]

You can get stuff out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Like therapeutic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I watched. I watched something. I'm gonna be vague, but I watched something this morning online that kind of, like, upset me because I. I don't know. I don't know. It just upset me. And then I realized I'm gonna be doing the same thing in, like, two weeks.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, shit, hold on. So it bothered me emotionally that it wasn't me then I know that it's gonna be me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But now it's bothering me in a different way. And I was like, all right, right, hold on. Let's not spin out about this. Let's just Journal about this.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Podcast Host 2]

And find out what it is that's triggering you. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I love that you said that all of your goals are not monetary. And I, I think that's such a huge thing to kind of zero in on because once you do accomplish it, you're focus like you accomplish where you. You've always wanted to accomplish in life. Like, we've, we all had dreams. Right. And we've all made it to where we're all financially comfortable. Praise Jesus. Like, thank you for, you know, helping us get here. And it's crazy how that switches and it's like there no amount of money can buy you happiness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

And like you really want to fulfill like personal things. Like you want to take your little, your girls on trips by themselves. I think that is so cute for a dad to want to do with their daughters, you know? Do you find that it's really hard to like create a space of time for them because you've been so busy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, I, you know, I have massive regret, obviously, and I think, but I think, I think I over regret. I think when, when Leanne looks at, she goes, you're doing the best you could. But my thing was I had to create. I had to create a career out of nothing, you know?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not to say that, but like when I started getting famous, podcasts were at their infancy and, and, and a lot of people were really big on podcasts but weren't popping. And a lot of people, like the tastemakers were still around, like Comedy Central and all them. And then Netflix had kind of shown up. But, and so like, in a weird way, I was in this, this kind of like middle ground, this gray area where it's like I wasn't accepted by Comedy Central and HBO and all those and Showtime, although I had a special on Showtime. But like I wasn't accepted by all the studios or networks or all that. And I wasn't really at Netflix yet because it wasn't a huge thing yet. Right. And podcasting was happening, but it would sell, you know, it was selling all of us the same amount of tickets where I decided I had to create it for myself. I love this story only because it. Money is important. Tommy and I were doing the same festivals right around this time that I was telling you 2016, it's called the Oddball Festival now. I always wanted to be a darling of these festivals. I never was. Amsterdam, Aspen, Montreal, Sasquatch or whatever, all the festivals. Moon Tower. Never got invited to any of the festivals. And only not being invited. You know how that feels?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. You're just like, I know we didn't get invited to a ton of stuff until recently.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you get the invites, and then you get invited to all of.

[Podcast Host 2]

Them, and then you don't. And then you don't want to go at that point.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I was. I got invited one time at Oddball, and it did feel like a weird invite. I remember feeling like it was like a sympathy invite. They're like, you can host, Which I thought I was better than, but I was like, cool, I'll take it because I want to be a part of the festival thing, right? And they're like, it's. It's $2,500 a weekend. And. Which wasn't great money, but I'd done. I've done stand up for less. You got to pay for your travel in your hotel. And I was like, okay, I'm going to be out of pocket, but, you know, at least I'll be in the conversation of these things in the circle. And they're like, you'll do. You'll do three weekends. And so I was like, okay, all right, you know, what if I save my money, right, And I fly on miles and, you know, I can. I can afford that. And I had money. I worked Travel Channel, although I'd been let go. And then at the last minute, they go, you know what? Nevermind. And I went, wait, what? Like, it wasn't even like a conversation. They just fired me. And I went, oh, God. And it caught me off guard. I called Tom and I said I was getting ready to go on the treadmill, and I was sitting in my man cave and I was at my desk and I was like. I was like, dude, I guess I'm not doing oddball. He was like, wait, what? I was like, yeah, they canceled my dates. He goes, no, they're doing that for some people. And I went, oh, for real? He goes, yeah, you got to get them to give you the money, though. I was like, what do you mean? He was like, they'll pay out the money. And I was like, well, that's not a crazy ton of money. And he's like, are you fucking kidding? He's like, wait, what are you getting paid? I said, 25. And he goes, oh, nice. Yeah. And I said, no, no, 2,500. And he goes, wait, what? Per show went no, for the weekend. And he went, oh. And I went, wait, what are you getting paid? And he was like, well, I'm afraid to tell you And I said, why? And he goes, well, I don't know if it's gonna fuck up our friendship. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? And he was like, I don't know. I don't know. Can we just drop it? And I went, hold on. What are you getting paid? And he was like, you promise this isn't gonna fuck up our friendship? And I was like, yeah, because there is a jealousy that could happen. And I sat with my hands on my knees, and I said, will this affect how I feel about Tom? And I went. In my head, I went, I want Tom to be successful. I do think if Tom's successful, it'll help my career. I do believe that. I think the high tide raises all boats.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, yeah, I'm good. In my head, I went, if he's getting 10,000 a weekend, I'm fine. I'm totally good with that. I go, you know what? 15,000 a weekend. I'm good.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes, 25,000. And I went, a weekend. That's not bad. And he goes, a show? And I went, what the hell? I was like, you're getting $25,000 a show? I was like, holy shit. I mean, it floored me. I was like, this is where you are, Bert. This is where you're standing today. This is. It's like blood work.

[Podcast Host 2]

It was like a slice of humble pie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, wow. Wow. And he's like, yeah, and if I do this, I'm gonna be able to buy a house. And I went, no, no, no. I want you to buy a house. I want you to be happy. And I was like, okay. But I realized where I was at that moment, and I went, okay, no one's gonna help me. No one gives a fuck about me. No one cares if I piss and moan in the back of the store. No one cares. No one gives a shit. I have to give a shit first.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I went out and I started. I started thinking, no idea is a bad idea. First thing I did was I did promo videos. Started doing promo videos. They didn't all pop, but I posted them. It didn't matter if 10. If it added 10 ticket sales, it mattered. I started doing posters for every weekend. Those started making a dent. I started coming up with my own ideas, and I would not listen to anybody. Yeah. I would listen to, like, four people, probably. Joe, Tom, Leanne, and that really was it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I created my career. I remember I had to deal at NBC, and they wanted me to focus on this sitcom about me being a beer guy who, you know, sells beer and parties at all the bars and then goes home to his family hammered. And I was like, that's a dumb idea. That's not a great dad. And I remember Tom and I were doing the weight loss challenge with Joe, and NBC called up, and they're like, yo, we need your notes on the script. And Leanne in total. Leanne move goes, oh, you lost him. They're like, what? She goes, oh, he's done. He's not gonna do this TV show. And they were like, what? She's like, he's fat. Shaming his best friend. He's having a ton of fun doing that. And it's. And it's affecting. Like, it's getting traction for him. And, you know, everything was. That I was doing for myself was garnering traction, and I started, like, really getting curious about the business, and. And it was life changing, but that moment, I had to create for myself. And in doing that, I missed a lot of shit with the girls. I remember at one point, the girls were like, can you not do Instagram stories? And I was like, what?

[Podcast Host 2]

I went through that with Bailey, too. I think every parent that's in the limelight kind of has to go through that with their kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know what they used to do? I'd go. I'd be like, yo, what's up, everybody? San Francisco? They go, dad beats Mom. And I'd be like, what are you doing?

[Podcast Host 2]

I think I remember that era.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, I do think I remember that era. But, I mean, at least now, one, you've provided a life for them. And I know that that doesn't. That doesn't suffice. Memories and being and spending time with them. But now you've created a life to where you can hang out with them and, like, you can connect with them, especially now that they're adults, too. They turn so much cooler when they get to be, like, 17, 18. The teenage years were a fudgeing nightmare, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Podcast Host 2]

I can't even. I don't even. I don't even think we should delve into that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne. Leanne was like, you're acting. Acting like a scorned boyfriend. Because I was. I remember saying to Leanne, I was like, what's going on with Georgia? She's like, she's just growing up. And I was like, she's got her own things. And I was like, I just got to pretend I'm not. Not that into her. She was like, she's like, no, that's not it.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's not it. She's like, no, no, that's not it. So everything that you've accomplished, like, you know, selling out stadiums, Netflix shows, movies about your life, like, what does Bert want to do in this next chapter of his life?

[Bert Kreischer]

So funny. I was talking about this on the ride over.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So there's not, there's no clear roadmap for the world that comedy's in right now. Comedy's in a really unique place where usually back in the day, if you were 53, you didn't tell us anyone. You're 53 and your career was kind of over usually, maybe you could get a role in like Cocoon or something. You know what I mean?

[Podcast Host 2]

But that's, you know, that's like as an extra.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Golden Girls were in their 50s.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, there was no real roadmap for where we're headed and. Absolutely. And I say this like I was saying it, sometimes I say wild shit. Just shelve whether or not it's accurate, understand the emotion in it. But there was no real. When I was coming up, there was no real 53 year old comic doing state, doing arenas. There was 53 year old comics weren't big. It wasn't the hot thing.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was 26 year olds and 30 year olds. And like, maybe, I mean, look, man, the Sandlers and them, they were making movies, but, you know, it was the young people. And now it's like, dude, the greatest ever done it is Chappelle. He's 53, I'm 53. Burr's 56. Rogan's 56.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, Tommy's 49, 48. You know, all of us are like grown men and we're all still building and still doing and opportunities are still coming to us.

[Podcast Host 2]

And I feel like we're a different breed than, what is it called, ageism. I feel like ageism has gotten so much better in this era, like, as it was compared to back then, because like you said, the Golden Girls were in their 50s. I'm not gonna look like that in five years when I'm 50. That.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Podcast Host 2]

You know, but I just feel like we're all like kind of finding like, like our second prime. Because I know I didn't get to really have a prime. I was so strung out on pills and alcohol and cocaine that I. I couldn't enjoy my 20s and 30s, you know, but like going into my 40s and my 50s, like, I'm ready to turn up and I feel like you guys are all the same way I feel.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like I haven't. I feel like I just scratched the surface and I feel like I have also. We. We showed up with the. The industry changed entirely. Yeah, entirely. I mean, you know, you look at, like, late night talk shows are. I love the goats, you know, but, like, these are going to get more views, right? This is going to get more views. Absolutely. And it's more valuable for me to call Gillis and go, yo, man, can I do your podcast? Than to reach out to a publicist to go, hey, can you please set up to do the Today show? And then I'll probably do the Today show.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're limited on what you can say on those things.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you can't really be afraid. Like, you know, so I don't know what I want. Meaning, like, someone's like, isn't your goal really? This has been the big talk to help younger comedians. And I go, yeah, but I can. I can do that. But they gotta help themselves. It's not theirs. You know, like, the. Joe helped us, but he just introduced. He just put us on a show and he gave us great advice. But he wasn't, like, overbearing. Like, you have to do this. He knew you had to want it. You had to want to be undeniable.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. And so I remember Joe from Fear Factor. I grew up in Vegas, and Joe used to gamble all the time there. I had a girlfriend who dated him. So I remember Joe when he had hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I do, too. I do too.

[Podcast Host 2]

Like, a lot of people don't remember that, Joe.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember the last few days of Joe's hair.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy.

[Podcast Host 2]

When the wind blows. Notice the hair. The.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think, you know, I know I have a special due at Netflix in 2026. Yeah, that's the material I'm working on now. I've enjoyed working on this. Look, when I started doing. I mean, think this is how crazy things have changed. When I started doing specials for Netflix, Maybe there were 50 specials a year released. Yeah, maybe I would get. I would guess there were probably 700 to a thousand specials release released last year. Yeah, I mean, it's YouTube, everyone, every. And by the way, a lot of really great specials out there. Yeah, a lot of really great specials. And then you also have the great ones, and then you have really great ones, and then you have really bad ones. And so, like, now I look at a special and go, does any. Does the world need another special? You know, I'll do this one, but I'm Not. I'm not gonna. I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna be banging down Netflix door going, give me a special, Right. If they want one, I will absolutely do one. But maybe I take three years to do it, four years to do it. Maybe. You know, I really love acting. I didn't think I was gonna like it as much as I did. I really love acting and I love developing. I love making my own projects. I've always loved podcasting. But I feel like, you know, when we were talking today, I feel like, you know, this is a really fun conversation for me, but I'm certain I've said things twice that I've said before, and you're like, I would love to have all original thoughts. And then the other part of me was like, you know, I woke up today in the Airbnb and I was like, I don't need much for a house. I was like, do I? Maybe I just travel more with Leanne. Like, we really loved living in a condo in Atlanta when we were doing the show.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, maybe I just. Maybe the goal is life isn't guaranteed. And so maybe I just go and travel and just have fun.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, like, when we went to Paris, I mean, why am I not going to Paris once a month? Month.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, it's. We fell in love with Rome. I loved Rome. I know that's not Paris, but Italy. Like, oh, my God, we fell in love with Rome. We had so much fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

We took the girls to Rome, and that was a hysterical trip. I remember. I missed. That's when they call me. That's where I got the name Baby Walrus. I guess when I get excited, I do this thing where I go. And that's where they had. They had ice cold watermelon. Yeah. And they got me. I was sleeping. I was sleeping and they were like, hey, wake up. You're in Rome. You're only in Rome with us once, dad. Get up and meet us at the restaurant down the block. So I walked out of the restaurant, I walked out of the hotel. The hotel across street was where Kurt Cobain had overdosed this little big fan. I had this moment of clarity, and I sit down and the guy goes, is this him? And they go, yeah. And he puts out ice cold watermelon and a aperol spritz. And I just went, ah. And they go, oh, look at Baby Walrus. And from that day, I mean, our chat threads. Baby Walrus, I love that. When I get excited.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that song.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, yeah, I don't know, you know what? Goal wise. Goal wise. I don't want to write a book. I did not enjoy that process.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's a rough process.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would do a self help book. Book, like with all my up brain stuff. Like number. Number one thing in a self help book. Give yourself a nickname.

[Podcast Host 2]

The Bert Bible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I know. I don't know. I don't know.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that. I love that you don't have a game plan. It's like that. I think let's normalize people not having a game plan. You know, everybody always has to have something so structured. And it's like for once in your life, you're actually. I feel like you've never had a game plan and that you've kind of like always succeeded by not having a game plan.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think, you know, it's also. It's like, you know, Tiger woods, when he was a kid, he wrote all his goals on the thing based on Jack Nicklaus's goals.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so he had. That was his roadmap. And I think a lot of us were like, yo, Dane got a comedy center. Presents. We need a comedy center for presents. Dane's doing arenas. We got to do arenas. Dane's doing theaters. We got to do theaters. Dane was our roadmap for so long. And then Joe was our roadmap. Oh, we gotta get a podcast. We gotta get big numbers on podcast. You gotta get big guests on podcasts. And then all of a sudden, these roadmaps just started. Started getting more and more faint. It's like when you walk. You ever. Have you ever gotten lost in the woods? It's really a surreal experience because at one point you are very certain you're on a path. And then at one point, and then it gets dark and you're like, am I off the path? And it's a terrifying, terrifying feeling to get lost in the woods and it get dark with no compass and no service and no anything and no flashlight.

[Podcast Host 2]

Of a horror movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's also wildly exhilarating if you know that. Look, I'm not gonna die out here tonight. I know the car's over there. I know everyone's partying over there. I know I'm lost, but we're getting through this. And so I think that's where I am. I feel like it's. I feel like the sun's setting and I'm in the woods and I know where I'm headed, but it is getting a little thick.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love that analogy, though. It's so perfect for you, Bert. Thank you so much for coming here today.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you to death. I do. I feel like. I feel like there's a beautiful bond that our families share.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think they're weirdly interchangeable of, like, Jelly and Leanne and me and you are all our little eccentricities. And Jelly and me and you and Leanne.

[Podcast Host 2]

I mean, I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's. It's really awesome.

[Podcast Host 2]

So they should bring back the show wife swap, and we go on it. That'd be a. Can you imagine Leanne putting my husband in chat check? That would be hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would. I'll. I would. I would pay money and just me and you would just be watching live rings cams of their house.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Literally, just like watching. We're like the Golden Retrievers and they're the pit bulls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I can't imagine. I remember the best. The best moment. Like, take it out if you want, but this is like, we. We're doing the 5k and the. The one in Tampa. And Jelly flies in overnight into Tampa. And Lance goes to sleep, and he's got to run at like 12:30 or like 1:30. And the whole crew shows up. The whole crew, the band managers, everyone shows up.

[Podcast Host 2]

My husband rolls with a frigging entourage.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like. Like, Jelly's asleep. And they're like, cool. And they're like. Now, I'd watched Leanne do this thing. She just get. She's a bulldog. Jason. Kelsey had walked up. She goes, jason, I'm a person. You need anything, you tell me. And Jason, Kelsey is not really aware he's a pro athlete. So he goes, I can go for pancakes. And she was like, huh? And he's like, pancakes. He goes, okay. And so Leanne sourced fucking pancakes at Tampa Bay Stadium for Jason Kelce. No one who's getting pancakes. They brought a chef in to make pancakes for Jason Kelce within 30 minutes. Wow. So we're sitting around. It's. It's one o'. Clock. We're all on stage. Everyone's there. All that's going to happen is, ladies and gentlemen, Jelly's about to roll in. It's our final heat. We all run and the party starts. That's when the party really gets going. And some of the band members are like, he's sleeping. Sleeping. And they're like. I was like, okay, well, so have someone wake him up. And they're like, nah.

[Podcast Host 2]

They're like, we want to keep our jobs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I go, what do you mean? They're like, I'm not waking them up. And then they look at each other. I'm not waking them up. I don't wake them up. I want to play tomorrow. And I was like, what do you mean you want to play tomorrow? Like, I'm. No one's waking them up. So we go to the tour manager, hey, can you wake up Jelly? And he goes, no. And they go. They go. And then they say, very candidly, they go, I. I don't think he's gonna run it. And we're like, what do you mean? They're like, well, he's sleeping. And I go, no, but he flew here to run it. We should wake him up. And they're like, do you want to wake him up? And I was like, well, not after all these things. Like, what happens when you wake him up? Is it bad? And they're like, trust me, you don't want to wake him up. And then Leanne just goes, what are we talking about? And they go, jelly's asleep in the hotel. And she goes, what hotel? And they go, one more night. She goes, I'll go wake him up. And I was like, if there's ever been a person to wake him up. And then she goes, it. Get me a car. I'm gonna wake him up right now. I don't give a fuck. And then all of a sudden, someone goes, he's up. He's up. He's on his way over. I was like, man, we dodged the perfect storm. I would love that video. Jelly, get the fuck up. Get the fuck up. Jelly, get the fuck up.

[Podcast Host 2]

I would pay Leanne to do that one day. And you know what? Leanne's probably the only person who could.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get away with it, I swear to God. And I was like, I know. I'm not sending her to her death, but I'm sending her to a battle. But I go, she's gonna come out with a couple scars. He'll have a couple. Run this 5K.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. No, for sure. I would have paid to have seen that. Anytime, dude. Yeah. So definitely. We need to, like, make a wife swap. I think that would be so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would. And we'll just live stream.

[Podcast Host 2]

There's the entire live stream it on Twitch. Let's do it. Oh, my God, I'm so down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what? They'd probably out. They'd probably turn into this perfect power couple where they just.

[Podcast Host 2]

And just start dominating everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's like, hey, you clean the kitchen. Don't clean the kitchen. And he's like, oh, I can do dad rigs anywhere.

[Podcast Host 2]

Listen, if she could get my husband to clean the kitchen, I'll marry Leanne.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Podcast Host 2]

How about that, Bert? You're. I'll be Mrs. Steal your girl. All right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's great.

[Podcast Host 2]

Thank you so much for coming. I love you. I can't wait to do your podcast later. And I can't wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait. Do you know Leanne Morgan?

[Podcast Host 2]

I have interviewed her, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes. We talked about menopause. It was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I can't fucking wait.

[Podcast Host 2]

She's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is.

[Podcast Host 2]

So have you ever met her?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I've known Leanne. I've known Liam for a long time. Not. I mean, but just like, I've known her for a while.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, no. Love her to death. Can't wait. Can't wait to sit down with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome.

[Podcast Host 2]

Always come and visit me next time. Bring Leanne.

[Podcast Host 1]

Let's hang out.

[Bert Kreischer]

She'll be my TV show. Freebird is streaming on Netflix January 22nd.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's my birthday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it really?

[Podcast Host 2]

It is my birthday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. And so check it out. It is a fictionalized version of my real life and. And this moment in my life where I had this huge transition that we've talked about a little bit of, where everything kind of went to shit. And we were at a school where I didn't fit in, and I felt like all the dads were cool and had money and I didn't, and I tried to fit in and I kind of fucked it up. And then I found my own way, and it's all about that. And I'll simply say by now you'll probably have seen the trailer, and so I hope you liked it. But if you're hearing this today, remember the 22nd stream it. And if you like it, word of mouth is like the greatest thing. Just tell people. Tell people like it. You know, share it on social media.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And enjoy it. I. I think it's. I think it's bizarre, but I think it's really good.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yay. I can't wait. I'm so excited.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's. It's good, I think. Yeah, I think people like it.

[Podcast Host 2]

I love it. Love you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love you too.

[Podcast Host 2]

Thank you guys for tuning in to.

[Podcast Host 1]

Another episode of Dumb Blonde.

[Podcast Host 2]

I'll see you guys next week.

[Podcast Host 1]

Bye.

[Podcast Host 2]

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