Happy Endings | 1

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dying For Sex – Episode 1: "Happy Endings"

Released on February 12, 2020, "Happy Endings" serves as the inaugural episode of Wondery’s compelling podcast series, "Dying For Sex." This episode delves deep into Molly’s tumultuous journey after her stage IV breast cancer diagnosis, exploring themes of intimacy, identity, and resilience.

---

Introduction

The episode opens with host Nikki Boyer setting the stage for a raw and honest exploration of Molly’s experiences following her terminal diagnosis. The narrative promises frank discussions about sex, illness, and personal transformation, aiming to provide listeners with an unfiltered look into Molly’s life.

Friendship Backstory

Nikki and Molly share a longstanding friendship spanning over two decades, rooted in shared medical struggles and mutual support. Their bond was cemented during their early years when Molly faced various health issues, including a severe case of chickenpox and a corneal burst. This history of navigating health challenges together laid a strong foundation for their relationship.

Nikki Boyer (12:18):
“We've been through boyfriends together. We've been through relationships.”

Molly (12:22):
“I have a bald spot? Yeah.”

Cancer Diagnosis and Initial Response

In 2011, at the age of 38, Molly was diagnosed with breast cancer after initially being misdiagnosed. Her cancer had already spread to her lymph nodes, marking the onset of a prolonged battle with the disease. Molly underwent an exhaustive treatment regimen, including chemotherapy, radiation, a bilateral mastectomy, and hormone therapy—referred to poignantly as "the whole buffet."

Molly (14:15):
“I had tiny breasts. So it was basically like one big boob tumor.” (14:15)

Nikki Boyer (15:44):
“Just go do it. Yeah.” (Molly urging listeners to get mammograms)

Impact on Marriage

Molly’s diagnosis had a profound impact on her marriage. Prior to cancer, her relationship had been strained with ongoing sexual difficulties. The physical and emotional toll of cancer exacerbated these issues, leading Molly to feel sexually irrelevant and disconnected from her husband. Despite attempts at reconciliation through couples therapy, the deep-seated wounds and differing coping mechanisms made it untenable, culminating in Molly’s decision to leave her marriage.

Molly (16:37):
“I was really, really, really good at figuring out what other people liked. And then I could simulate that, like an actor for them…” (27:40)

Nikki Boyer (35:07):
“How do you process the death of a 15-year marriage and quite possibly your own death sentence at the same time?” (35:07)

Sexual Awakening and Digital Escapades

Post-divorce, Molly embarked on a bold journey to reclaim her sense of self and vitality through sexual exploration. Despite her chemotherapy and hormone therapy—which paradoxically increased her libido—Molly sought intimacy as a means to assert control over her life amidst the chaos of illness.

She initially engaged in digital forms of intimacy, utilizing platforms like Face Feed and Snapchat. These interactions provided Molly with a sense of connection and validation, helping her navigate her transformed body and identity.

Molly (23:56):
“I have my whatnot shelf of men.” (34:13)

Nikki Boyer (28:07):
“What does it do for you? Why do you like it so much?” (28:07)

Molly (28:38):
“I wouldn't do any of this stuff without the cancer, even though I'd maybe want to…” (29:35)

Transition from Digital to Real-Life Encounters

As Molly continued her journey, she transitioned from digital interactions to real-life sexual encounters. This shift was driven by an urgent desire to experience genuine intimacy and to live life fully despite her terminal prognosis. Her husband’s surprisingly supportive response—encouraging her to seek what she needed—underscored the complexities of their relationship and highlighted Molly’s commitment to living authentically.

Molly (25:40):
“I know, Right? Yeah, I was impressed. It was like. That was a big deal.” (26:10)

Nikki Boyer (35:59):
“But in so many ways, it was like part of me knew that that was the only way that he and I were gonna wind up having a good relationship in the end.” (35:59)

Coping Mechanisms and Personal Growth

Molly's sexual adventures served as a coping mechanism, allowing her to reconnect with her body and assert her autonomy in the face of relentless illness. Through activities like taking sexy selfies and engaging in consensual sexting, Molly found ways to celebrate her femininity and sexuality, counteracting the depersonalizing effects of cancer treatments.

Molly (33:03):
“We're all gonna die at some point. But the emotional knowing makes it harder to dwell on things I can't control.” (33:03)

Nikki Boyer (37:19):
“There's a reason why that famous scene in High Fidelity…” (37:19)

Themes Explored

1. Intimacy and Sexuality:
   The episode examines how intimacy evolves in the face of terminal illness. Molly’s journey highlights the essential human need for connection and sexual expression, even when grappling with mortality.

2. Identity and Self-Worth:
   Stripping away societal expectations, Molly’s experiences force her to redefine her identity beyond her illness and physical appearance. Her actions reflect a profound assertion of self-worth and autonomy.

3. Friendship and Support:
   Nikki’s unwavering support underscores the importance of friendships in navigating life’s most challenging moments. Their shared history provides a backdrop for Molly’s transformation.

4. Resilience and Agency:
   Molly's proactive approach to her sexuality represents a form of resilience, showcasing her determination to live fully despite her prognosis.

Notable Quotes

• Molly on Her Digital Sexual Encounters (28:07):
  “I wouldn't do any of this stuff without the cancer, even though I'd maybe want to…”

• Nikki on Processing the Diagnosis (35:07):
  “How do you process the death of a 15-year marriage and quite possibly your own death sentence at the same time?”

• Molly on Life and Death (33:03):
  “We're all gonna die at some point. But the emotional knowing makes it harder to dwell on things I can't control.”

Conclusion

"Happy Endings" sets a powerful tone for the "Dying For Sex" series, intertwining themes of love, loss, and the pursuit of happiness in the shadow of terminal illness. Molly’s story is one of courage and defiance, illustrating how embracing one's sexuality can be a profound act of self-empowerment and affirmation of life.

The episode concludes with reflections on the inseparability of life and death, and how Molly's quest for intimacy serves as a testament to her resilience and desire to live authentically until the very end.

Molly (37:47):
“I'm not ready for that, you know?” (37:47)

Nikki Boyer (33:30):
“Nobody talks about this stuff. But when you're sick, and you're really, really sick...” (33:30)

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the first episode of "Dying For Sex," offering insights into Molly’s transformative journey as she navigates the challenges of terminal cancer through the lens of intimacy and personal growth.

Transcript

[Nikki Boyer]

You've heard about the TV show. Now hear the real raw story behind it. Wondry subscribers can binge all original episodes early and ad free. Right now. Start your free trial of Wondry in the Wonder app or on Apple Podcasts. A quick note before we start, in case the title doesn't give it away, this podcast has a lot of frank talk about sex. So let's backtrack and go to where your health was during the time of the story that we're gonna tell.

[Molly]

Um, okay. Yeah, So I had just gone traveled to New York. So I had flown to New York and back, which completely decimated my immune system. I'd had a stressful trip. You were there.

[Nikki Boyer]

I'm stressed. My best friend Molly and I can talk about anything anywhere. Today we're in a small, cramped recording studio in west la. It has scuffed white walls, a couple of beat up office chairs. Molly looks completely out of place. Short blond hair, blue eyes and flawless skin. And she's wearing a skimpy tank top and tight black jeans. Someone would never even guess she was sick, but she is.

[Molly]

So I came back and I had an entire like list of shit that happened to me health wise. I was hospitalized because I couldn't keep food in. I had a bacterial infection in my gut. I had a tumor in the back of my head that I needed radiated. My lungs were filled with fluid and collapsed and I couldn't breathe.

[Nikki Boyer]

Three years ago, Molly was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Since then she's been in and out of the hospital. Chemo, radiation, a double mastectomy, the whole buffet as Molly calls it.

[Molly]

And then the capping victory was I went blind in my left eye because I had a tumor in my eye and I had to get radiated. So I was like hospitalized and sick.

[Nikki Boyer]

First of all, can you stop complaining?

[Molly]

Exactly.

[Nikki Boyer]

You're such a complainer.

[Molly]

Exactly. I still managed to drive everywhere.

[Nikki Boyer]

I think they call that gallows humor. That's not safe.

[Molly]

I know I shouldn't even say that.

[Nikki Boyer]

Molly and I use it a lot. They say laughter is the best medicine and all that. We've cried together a lot too. But when Molly learned she was terminal, she made a decision. If she only had a few years to live, she was going to experience life in a completely new way. And it was going to be epic. You got a massage?

[Molly]

So I have this amazing friend and she did like a lot of research on a reputable in home massage place, you know, so I was like, oh, you know, maybe I'll just, you know, I'll get one of these massages. I feel horrible, but maybe, you know, if somebody can, like, my legs felt stagnant. I thought maybe somebody could, like, loosen up some of the stagnation.

[Nikki Boyer]

I get that.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

All right, so talk me through what happens.

[Molly]

Well, so I get on the table, and he's, you know, he's rubbing my legs and my arms, and he's actually doing a fantastic job. He's really intuitive, really good massage therapist. It was great. Like, I felt, like, very met therapeutically.

[Nikki Boyer]

That's great.

[Molly]

Yeah. My eyes are closed, and I'm thinking, like, I feel like there's some pressure happening in the boob area. And I'm almost positive the blanket is no longer on my top, but I'm not sure.

[Nikki Boyer]

Were your eyes squinted really hard? Like, I'm not gonna look. I'm not gonna look.

[Molly]

Well, I think at that point, I was in my head, and I was like, do I need to. If this is the case, do I need to set a boundary? And so I was like. Started this dialogue with my body.

[Nikki Boyer]

Like, that's good. You're good at this.

[Molly]

I was like, yeah, I'm good at that. And my body's like, nah, you know what? Let's follow this thread. He's kind of intuitive. He knows what he's doing. Let's see where this goes. I opened my eyes. Yes. Top was gone. Right. Hands on boobs. It was fantastic, though.

[Nikki Boyer]

But didn't you feel like at that point, I remember you saying, like, I just feel like my body needs to be touched.

[Molly]

It needed to be touched. It was great. But, yeah. So anyway, so his hand was there, and I was like, I know that where it's going. Yeah, I know where it's going.

[Nikki Boyer]

And you were okay with it?

[Molly]

I was okay with it. And, like. But at one point, I was like, I need to acknowledge that I know that he knows that I know that we all know what's going on. Can I go? And I sounded like a prepubescent boy. I was like, no, I'm not expecting this. You know, Like, I think my voice went cracked at some point. I'm not expecting this. I'm expecting this, you know?

[Nikki Boyer]

And what'd he say?

[Molly]

He was like, yeah, he's like, yeah, but I just. There's this energy that's calling me. And I was like, cool, you know, Pick it up. Pick up the phone.

[Nikki Boyer]

This is so typically Molly. Her way of saying f you to cancer was to say yes to adventure. But this wasn't her first unusual sex experience, you know, I'm cold.

[Molly]

You know it, don't you?

[Nikki Boyer]

You see, when she was diagnosed as terminal, she did something bold. She left her unhappy marriage and embarked on a journey of sexual escapades. Her stories are so out there and interesting, we decided to make a podcast about it. From Wondery. I'm Nikki Boyer, and this is Dying for sex. Episode 1 Happy Endings.

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[Molly]

Hola.

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh, my gosh.

[Molly]

We're gonna cut that out. Yeah, that's edited right out.

[Nikki Boyer]

Here we go.

[Molly]

Yep.

[Nikki Boyer]

Okay. In three, two. You're listening to Dying for Sex.

[Molly]

I'm Molly. I'm 44 and I have stage four breast cancer. Technically, I'm dying, but aren't we all?

[Nikki Boyer]

I'm Nikki.

[Molly]

My best friend in the world.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah, we've known each other for like 20 years.

[Molly]

And you know everything I've been going through in that time. Getting diagnosed as terminal, leaving my husband, starting to have sexual escapades to feel alive.

[Nikki Boyer]

Let me tell you these sex stories. They are so damn interesting that we had to make a podcast about it. And about our friendship.

[Molly]

Yes, about our friendship. Do you know that our friendship has given me so much meaning in the face of all this? You are actually one of the people that makes me want to continue to live.

[Nikki Boyer]

Aw, I love that. I love you. Okay, let's get back to the sex.

[Molly]

Yeah. It's okay.

[Nikki Boyer]

So let's recap this.

[Molly]

Okay, let's do it.

[Nikki Boyer]

You have stage four.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

You have a bald spot on the back of your head.

[Molly]

I have a bald spot? Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

You have a collapsed lung. You're blind in your left eye. But this dude's like, yeah, I'm gonna put my fingers in her vagina world. Wow.

[Molly]

Yep.

[Nikki Boyer]

I can't believe. Okay, I know you probably have, like, a million questions, like, how did Molly go from finding out she had cancer to laying naked on a massage table with a masseuse about to explore her lady parts? We'll get to all that later, I promise. This is the part that blows my mind.

[Molly]

Okay, what is it?

[Nikki Boyer]

The part where, like, things go from outside of the body to the inside of the body. What the. How does this happen? I want all the juicy details.

[Molly]

Yeah. All right. So his hands wound up, like. His hands wound up, like, on my vagina. Right.

[Nikki Boyer]

Slow or fast?

[Molly]

I think it was kind of slow. It was just like. But then they were, like. Then his fingers were inside of me pretty quickly after that. It was nice. It was like. It was very methodical, but, you know, it never felt. Felt like he was getting off.

[Nikki Boyer]

It felt like it was more for you.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

What a giver.

[Molly]

I know, right? Oh, wow. It was awesome. It was nice. And then I was like, all right, I'm just gonna be. I'm just gonna, like, do this thing with abandon, and I'm just gonna, like, writhe around and be sexual and enjoy this thing.

[Nikki Boyer]

It felt amazing.

[Molly]

Yep. Like, I've never gotten a happy ending massage. And that was.

[Nikki Boyer]

Biggest question. Did you give him a tip?

[Molly]

No. No. Well, that's. First of all, I got a gift certificate. Tip was included.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah, but come on.

[Molly]

So this was the thing. This was the other thing. It was an hour massage, and he was there for two and a half hours, so I should have. But at the same time, I wanted to. I wanted to keep it professional. I felt like if I. Oh, shut up.

[Nikki Boyer]

I felt like if I tipped it.

[Molly]

It would be a little seedy. I don't know. I just felt like it was. It felt like it was more sort of, like, above board. If I didn't give him an extra 20, 40. You wanted to keep it. That's the honest. Wow.

[Nikki Boyer]

I know that no tip thing totally gets me. I mean, she could have at least ordered him a pizza or given him a great Yelp review or something, but that's just Molly. She lives by her own quirky rules. Like, she always asks Uber drivers about their families before she even asks their names. She believes we're all someone's family. You've been sharing stories with me, and part of it is your stories are outrageous. But the other part is you have a really interesting way of looking at the world, which I love and I find refreshing. So. All right, so the best thing I think, to do is take us on the journey of the life events that sort of led you to the point that you are now. Just take it back a little bit.

[Molly]

Okay.

[Nikki Boyer]

Let's tell the people how we met.

[Molly]

Because, yeah, it's important.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah. I met Molly in an Intro to Acting class back in 2000. I was sitting on the floor reviewing my script when Molly sauntered in. And she looked interesting, unique, like an alien model. She had long brown hair and wore a Juicy Couture sweatsuit. And she had this giant smile with teeth that went on for days. I wanted to be her friend right away. Her, not so much.

[Molly]

I hated you. I did not like Nikki. She was, like, so bubbly and cute and had the attention of these two hot twins. But anyway, so she was like, you know, running around these two hot twins, and they were ogling her ass. And I thought, I want that attention. I hate her.

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh, you hated me.

[Molly]

I was jealous of you. Aw. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

No reason to be jealous.

[Molly]

I was, though.

[Nikki Boyer]

Not at all.

[Molly]

Well, I found out later, like, no. No reason. But, you know, at the time, it.

[Nikki Boyer]

Was like, you were like, hey, who's that shiny, needy, seeking attention girl?

[Molly]

Girl from two guys that are giving her the attention. But I want that attention.

[Nikki Boyer]

I eventually grew on Molly, and she came around. It helped that I drove her around a lot. It's not that she couldn't drive. She just wouldn't. She was a New Yorker. We started hanging out more and more, and we had long lunches and we did silly little improvs together. We always cracked each other up. We loved inside jokes that made sense to nobody but us. And I even helped her when she got sick. If you take our relationship back, we have always been dealing with weird medical shit with each other.

[Molly]

Yeah. You diagnosed me when I was in my early 20s with chickenpox. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

You're like, I don't know what this is.

[Molly]

I had chickenpox.

[Nikki Boyer]

And then you had a weird eye thing, and I had to take you to the doctor.

[Molly]

Right. My cornea bursts.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah. We've been through boyfriends together. We've been through relationships.

[Molly]

Lots of boyfriends.

[Nikki Boyer]

We've been through marriages.

[Molly]

Marriages. A bunch. A bunch of marriages? Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

No, you've only been married once.

[Molly]

And you. That's a bunch. Two is a bunch.

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh, my God. Yeah, we both ended up getting married. But medical stuff and me kind of.

[Molly]

Taking you to the doctor all the time.

[Nikki Boyer]

It's kind of been a sick. Have you ever taken me to the doctor?

[Molly]

No.

[Nikki Boyer]

Come to think of it, I was rarely sick, but I did cry on Molly's shoulder plenty of times. Mostly about relationships, sometimes about losing out on parts. Like the time the casting agent told me I wasn't perky enough for a laxative commercial. But Molly was always the one who had to deal with health issues. All right, so let's flash forward to 2011, when you got diagnosed with breast cancer.

[Molly]

Well, actually, let's go flashback to 2005, when I got misdiagnosed.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yes.

[Molly]

Yeah. So I had a lump in my.

[Nikki Boyer]

Breast that you knew, and you went to your doctor and said, I have.

[Molly]

A lump in my breast.

[Nikki Boyer]

And what did the doctor say?

[Molly]

You're too young for breast cancer. That's another link that we share because.

[Nikki Boyer]

You and I were going to the same obgyn. Okay, this is the part of Molly's story that makes me so angry. The doctor just blew her off. He never even suggested getting a mammogram, and she trusted him. So Molly went along thinking everything was fine. She even met a guy, a cute waiter at our favorite cafe, the Mustard Seed. He always gave her extra fries. Anyway, they fell in love and got married. They planned trips and even talked about having kids. Then 2011 rolled around.

[Molly]

So this thing had, like, this little tiny pea sized thing just took over my whole boob. And I had tiny breasts. So it was basically like one big boob tumor. And then there was, like, something under my arm. It had poked out under my arm, so it was in my lymph nodes. So in 2011. Yeah, is when I, like, I got diagnosed with breast cancer. And it had already invaded my lymph nodes, but it wasn't stage four at the time.

[Nikki Boyer]

Okay.

[Molly]

Yeah, But I did, like, the whole buffet of, like, you know, chemo and bald, and I got a bilateral mastectomy and I got, like, radiation, and then I was on hormone therapy. I mean, I did, like, everything you could do at the buffet.

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh, my God.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

I remember that time so well. It was October, and the heat in LA was oppressive. It matched how we felt. I don't know if you know anyone who's gone through radiation and chemo. But it was heart wrenching to watch. Molly always put on a brave face and made jokes, but her body was changing. Disease was attacking from inside. And every time she looked in the mirror, she saw another piece of herself falling away. Every time I think about going back to that time with you and where we were, I'm like, I. I don't know, it just blows my mind that you've been through all of this. It's. And I just. If I could just say like a PSA to anybody out there considering, like, should I get a mammogram? Should I not, like, please go do it.

[Molly]

Just go do it. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

So in terms of, like, where you were feeling as a woman at that time, I'm sure it wasn't super awesome.

[Molly]

No, it wasn't super awesome. Okay. So just in my marriage itself, like, sexually, we had had difficulties in my marriage before cancer came along. I had spent a really long time kind of pushing him away because of my own issues. And then, like, right before I got diagnosed, I was really looking to kind of recharge our sex life, but I'd pushed him away for so long that he was like, I just am not really up to it. And then, you know, cancer showed up. Cancer's not really the best place to start exploring sexuality. You know, once you're going through treatment, you know, it's like we were just trying to stay alive. So it was like, you know, so we didn't explore sexuality. I didn't feel very sexual. And then all of a sudden I lost my breasts. They tell me I can't have kids. I'm like, oh, so I am no longer relevant as a sexual female, you know, and so, yeah, so that's what happened. And it was like, you know, and after I got my surgeries and everything done, I went back to him and I was like, I really, really, really need to be feminize and sexualize. And he still was like, you know, he was traumatized by just the whole mortality thing and the cancer, and he still hadn't worked through all the other stuff. And it was like, ah, I don't know if I can do that for you. That was kind of where we were at such a. And I don't blame him. I mean, you know, it's not. It was just like. It was one of those things where just things did not line up time wise.

[Nikki Boyer]

Molly was only 38 when all of this happened. I remember when she lost her hair, she decided not to wear a wig. Instead, she shaved her head bald. When it grew back, she Dyed it blonde and kept it short. She was beautiful and brave even when it was hard. She decided on reconstructive surgery for her breasts, which isn't exactly a walk in the park. I was there for that, too. Can we. Can we go back to your boobs?

[Molly]

We can always go back to my boobs. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

Okay, so you got your boobs redone, and there was a time when you called me and said, can I bring you into my doctor to show him your boobs? Maybe as a model for my boobs, But I have to say now, your boobs are way better than mine.

[Molly]

No, they're not.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah, they are.

[Molly]

They're nice, though.

[Nikki Boyer]

No, they're good.

[Molly]

I do have an upgrade. Although, just for the record, mastectomy and reconstruction, not a boob job. It is the most painful thing emotionally and physically. Like, so if anyone's thinking, ooh, it's not a boob job.

[Nikki Boyer]

Molly spent the next four years trying to beat the cancer into submission. She ate more kale, did more yoga, and drank more green tea than anyone I know. She also tried to make things better with her husband. The cancer seemed to bring out more hurt and anger. He thought he was helping by telling her which treatments to try. She thought he was controlling. They tried to fix their problems with couples therapy. It was a struggle. They were actually in a couples session when she got the call from her doctor. So fucked up and not fair. Like, you thought you were in the clear.

[Molly]

Yeah, I did.

[Nikki Boyer]

And then you were having a hip issue, remember? And you're like, there's something going on with my hip.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

You kept calling me and I kept saying, it's fine. It's just from working out.

[Molly]

I told them what it was. Yeah. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

Why couldn't it just. Fuck.

[Molly]

I know.

[Nikki Boyer]

So he went back in and it was in your bone?

[Molly]

It was in my bone? Yeah, in my bone. Liver and brain.

[Nikki Boyer]

Stage four. A terminal diagnosis. Not someday you'll die, but you're dying right now. And guess what her husband's response was when she got that call during couples therapy. He said, can we get back to why I'm so angry? I couldn't believe it when she told me that she didn't leave him that second, but it was only a matter of time. Molly wasn't focused on how she was going to die. She was focused on how she wanted to live.

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[Molly (G's voice)]

Yesterday I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I'm 42.

[Nikki Boyer]

Molly started writing a blog after her diagnosis. She wrote it anonymously. No face and no name, just a voice. I asked her why and she said she was afraid to over identify with cancer.

[Molly (G's voice)]

I've already dealt with breast cancer and never thought it would come back. It did. In my hip, bones and maybe my liver. I go back and forth between hope and despair. Pretty normal I imagine, for where I am. I don't want to tell anyone. Only a few people know. I always thought that a diagnosis like this would push me into figuring out exactly what kind of mark I want to leave on the world. It hasn't done that yet.

[Nikki Boyer]

Can I ask you this?

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

When in God's name did you have time in all of this? Yeah, to have a fucking sexual awakening. How did that happen for you?

[Molly]

Okay, well, you kind of have to rewind. So like. So after I had the surgeries and the radiation, I was on this hormone therapy which is supposed to kind of squash your libido and make you dry and kind of weird, but it had the opposite reaction. Like I literally wanted to hump everything and everyone that I saw.

[Nikki Boyer]

This happened back in 2013 during Molly's first bout with cancer, when she and her husband were still trying to work things out.

[Molly]

Like I was horny all the time. Like I felt like a teenager and I don't know what happens like, but all of a sudden I was like, I just need Sex everywhere. So I think I had my hand in my pants all the time.

[Nikki Boyer]

Our lives were so different. It's crazy when I think about it. I had a boyfriend and two step kids. While I was at home making avocado toast, Molly was dealing with cancer meds and having a full on sexual awakening.

[Molly]

I started to learn my body and, like, stuff that I hadn't. I mean, it was always a sexual person, but, like, you know, whatever. And at the same time, I had found this app, which was kind of like an innocent app. It was called Face Feed. You would take a picture of yourself, write a message, and you would, like, send it to somebody that you wanted to talk to, like, anywhere in the world. And then they would respond with a selfie. It was all selfie based. But, you know, sometimes the pictures would start to get a little bit racy.

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh.

[Molly]

You know?

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah.

[Molly]

And I was like. And the thing was like, like I was taking these pictures and then people like Nen would tell me that I was attractive and I was like. And it felt like I just really needed it, you know? Okay. Yeah. So. So, like. So there was one kid that I was talking to. I want to say he was from Italy or something.

[Nikki Boyer]

Anyway, let's call him Vincenzo.

[Molly]

I like it.

[Nikki Boyer]

I like giving names.

[Molly]

Like, it. You're good at that.

[Nikki Boyer]

You're good at that.

[Molly]

Okay, so Vincenzo was like, hey, you want to migrate to Snapchat? I was like, what the fuck is Snapchat?

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh, my God.

[Molly]

And I was like, oh, okay. Give me. Give me a few minutes to download this thing.

[Nikki Boyer]

What's my password?

[Molly]

Exactly.

[Nikki Boyer]

Where did it go? Like, where this was. Was this like your first?

[Molly]

So Vincenzo. And I was. He was like, showing me how to do the Snapchat thing. And like, you know, Vincenzo was great. He was like, turning all of his stuff into black and white with these filters. And I was like, I don't fucking know. I'm on my bath mat with like, terrible lighting, you know, gyrating on the. At the phone. And like, I have no idea what I'm doing. But it was fantastic. It was like.

[Nikki Boyer]

Were you having, like, Snapchat sex?

[Molly]

Yeah, it was like. It was basically Snapchat sex.

[Nikki Boyer]

I've never done that. I didn't know it existed, but I guess.

[Molly]

I mean, it must. I think it's a thing. I mean, I don't know if it's a thing.

[Nikki Boyer]

I mean, where did Snapchat me that pussy come from? From somewhere. That song. Snapchat me that pussy.

[Desiree]

Me that pussy.

[Nikki Boyer]

If it's Cool. Can I ask you this? What's going on with the husband in this situation? Like, where does he fall in this? And.

[Molly]

So he came home, and I was, like, radiant, you know? He looks so pleased. You look kind of amazing. I was just, like, my body had gotten what it needed, but I was also, like, filled with anxiety because I was like, oh, my God, does this make me a cheater? Because, like, I'm not a cheater. I'd never cheated on somebody in my whole life. Like, I was very loyal, but, like, you know, I was torn because this is something that I really, really needed. And it was, you know, so it filled something, but at the same time, like, ah, what have I done?

[Nikki Boyer]

It's a whole new lump of, like, anxiety for you.

[Molly]

It did. So it was like his first night back, we're lying in bed, and I'm sitting there, like, my eyes are wide open in the dark, and I just. My heart is racing, and I confess and I tell him what happened, and his reaction was, good for you. And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, you know what? If that's what you need, go for it. It's totally okay.

[Nikki Boyer]

Were you expecting that reaction at all?

[Molly]

No.

[Nikki Boyer]

That's pretty. That's impressive.

[Molly]

I was impressed, Right? Yeah, I was impressed. It was like. That was a big deal.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah.

[Molly]

You know, so you were having.

[Nikki Boyer]

Then you were like, okay, I can have digital affairs.

[Molly]

So a lot happened between so many digital affairs.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah.

[Desiree]

Hey, gorgeous.

[AT&T Ad]

Molly, it's the love of your life here.

[Molly]

Cross me.

[Nikki Boyer]

Magical images recently and nearly lost my mind. I hope we can go on a date sometime soon.

[Molly]

And I couldn't stop.

[Jesse Weber]

I love how you know exactly what you want.

[Nikki Boyer]

You're amazing. Lathered body. You couldn't keep them straight. Well, no, you could. I could.

[Molly]

I could keep them straight. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Molly]

Which one? So many.

[Nikki Boyer]

A lot of them were, like, international.

[Desiree]

I never seen eyes like yours.

[Molly]

This afternoon for tea, Sending you a big kiss and lots of love. Bye.

[Nikki Boyer]

So was this helping you? Was all this, like, digital stuff helping you deal with the cancer?

[Molly]

Yeah, it was amazing. Well, it was helping me deal with sort of my new body, you know, because it was like, you know, there was something about, like, owning my new body and then sharing it and then getting feedback right away and people being like, oh, wow, you're. You have a beautiful body. And I was like, oh, I do. Oh, yeah, I do. You know, there was something about it that was. It helped me settle into my new body. And then, you know, the sex stuff and, like, masturbation and, like, figuring out what I liked and then what I didn't like it was, you know, for a long time with sex. And I think that's kind of why I had a problem in my marriage was, you know, I was really, really, really good at figuring out what other people liked. And then I could simulate that, like an actor for them and be like, hey, I can make it look good. But I never really, like, knew what I liked. Right. You know?

[Nikki Boyer]

Well, I think as women, this is kind of, in a weird way, what we're taught. Like. Yeah, when you watch porn, do you ever really think the women are enjoying it?

[Molly]

Well, no. The porn is over when the guy comes.

[Nikki Boyer]

Exactly.

[Molly]

So it's like, you know, it's a very important thing.

[Nikki Boyer]

And then women are making these spaces to make the man think that it. Oh, look how in ecstasy I am when she's probably thinking like, oh, I need a manicure.

[Molly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Nikki Boyer]

So when it comes to sexting.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

What, like, what does it do for you? Why do you like it so much?

[Molly]

If there's, like. I could give you a list of stuff, but we'll try to kind of make this, you know, so there are a couple things. There are a few things that happen. Like, first of all, when you take a sexy selfie, it's like an alternate reality. It's capturing a moment where you look great, you know, even if you feel like shit.

[Nikki Boyer]

Of course, sexy selfies are pretty common. We pretty much all know our best features and angles and snap accordingly. Right. But when you have cancer, Molly wrote that taking a sexy selfie is a whole different game.

[Molly (G's voice)]

The perfect naked selfie, when recovering from chemo or surgery, lies in cropping. Get rid of anything. Hospital tubes, machines, that pale robe. Anything else that screams medical for posing, think back arching. A deliberate hand lying over a breast scar. It's the art of suggestion, not the story of what is.

[Molly]

And so it kind of slides you into this, like, alternate reality where things are good, you know, so it's definitely, like, a fantastic distraction. It's a great escape from feeling horrible.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah.

[Molly]

The other thing is that, like, there's this unwritten contract when you're sexting with someone that they're supposed to be enthusiastic about what you send them. And I'm good at taking pictures, so I don't send crappy stuff.

[Nikki Boyer]

You're so good.

[Molly]

I'm good. I'm good. So when you take a picture, it's.

[Nikki Boyer]

Like, more and sexy selfie, more because you have cancer than you would if you did.

[Molly]

I wouldn't. I don't think I would do any of this stuff without the cancer, even though I'd maybe want to. I'd be, like, a little bit more cautious about everything.

[Nikki Boyer]

That's what I'm talking about with Molly. All of her cells working to fight off disease, right? But she sees it as an opportunity to get creative with sexy selfies, have digital sex. But she would never say cancer was a gift.

[Molly (G's voice)]

I'd rather not give cancer more power than it deserves. Having a body is a privilege. Being a person is a gift. Cancer doesn't get to be that. Cancer gets to be the shitty cells. Not doing the gift of my body any favors.

[Jesse Weber]

In the early hours of December 4, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of midtown Manhattan.

[Nikki Boyer]

This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him.

[Jesse Weber]

We're talking about the CEO of the.

[AT&T Ad]

Biggest private health insurance corporation in the world.

[Jesse Weber]

And the suspect he has been identified.

[Molly]

As Luigi Nicholas Manioni became one of.

[Jesse Weber]

The most divisive figures in modern criminal history.

[Nikki Boyer]

I was targeted, premeditated. Admit to sow terror.

[Jesse Weber]

I'm Jesse Weber, host of Luigi, produced by Law and Crime and Twist. This is more than a true crime investigation. We explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever.

[Molly]

He's awoken the people to a true issue. Finally, maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to acknowledge the barbaric nature of our healthcare system.

[Jesse Weber]

Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi, exclusively on Wondery. You can join Wondery on the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

[Nikki Boyer]

Cancer comes to you by twist of fate. DNA gone crazy happenstance, and it sucks. The disease did drag Molly down a dark rabbit hole of despair. I saw it firsthand. She wasn't magically able to find a way out, but through sexting, she did find a tiny crack of light that led to a new perspective. Does it help you just not give a shit?

[Molly]

Yeah, because I stopped caring what people think about me because of this stuff. But I think without the cancer, I'd really care. I'd be like, oh, I don't want to do the wrong thing, right? Oh, I don't want to.

[Nikki Boyer]

Ooh.

[Molly]

What if I think I was more of a nervous person beforehand? I'm just not nervous anymore. It's like, what, I have, like, five years left? Who knows? But, like, who cares? Life is so short.

[Nikki Boyer]

It's so crazy because when you first told me you had cancer, I was like, oh, you start to think of immediately, what does that mean? What's the trajectory of that? And over our friendship, the number of how long. How many years I think you have left has fluctuated.

[Molly]

Oh, yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

And I'm sure for you, always, which is so morbid and weird to talk about.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

But I kind of love it, because nobody talks about this stuff. But when you're sick, and you're really, really sick, I don't know if that's the moment where it's all gonna turn. And then three weeks later, you're texting me about, you know, whoever you're meeting on the Internet. So, like, there's no in between with this.

[Molly]

It's not middle of the road anymore.

[Nikki Boyer]

No.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

Honey, there's nothing middle of the road about you.

[Molly]

No, but. And then when you stop caring what people think about you, it's like you just do whatever.

[Molly (G's voice)]

We're all gonna die at some point. But the emotional knowing makes it harder to dwell on things I can't control. Or better put, it makes it easier to live day by day, moment by moment, building a life I can leave feeling like I gave it my all without getting in my own way.

[Nikki Boyer]

Well, do you ever think that it's like, I'm sure maybe some people that are listening are like, oh, she's just acting out. What do you say to that?

[Molly]

Yeah, you're right. And. And I am. I am just acting out. But, I mean, but it's also in a weird way, so, like, I know what it's like to act out sexually and kind of disconnect from your body, but this is doing the opposite for me. It's plugging me into my body, into feeling alive and creative. And even if it doesn't mean anything on an emotional level, you're still collaborating with someone. It still, like, feels like a strange, creative, collaborative process. Like, it still makes you feel like part of it alive and part of something, you know? So it's plugging me into my body rather than disconnecting me from it. So anyway, so that's. So that's what happened. But, yeah, there was, like. There were tons of guys, and they were so easy to collect.

[Nikki Boyer]

Little trinkets.

[Molly]

Little trinkets. I have my whatnot shelf of men.

[Nikki Boyer]

Okay, so give me a rundown of, like, who they were in your life at the time. Like what? Like what they did for you. There was.

[Molly]

You got to Skype. I had Skype sex. There was some guy that wanted me to run away with him. There were guys that had. That had huge penises that just liked to have me watch them jerk off.

[Nikki Boyer]

Oh, okay.

[Molly]

Lots of dick pics.

[Nikki Boyer]

Molly was still married at this point, and believe it or not, her husband was actually okay with her adventures in virtual sex. But the rest of their problems didn't go away. And then she got that call that she was stage four, which was also the moment she saw her marriage in a whole different light.

[Molly]

And I was like, you know what? I love my husband, but we're not really a romantic fit. And I don't think that I can self realize in the context of this marriage for many reasons. So I left.

[Nikki Boyer]

I don't know all the intricate details of how Molly's marriage unraveled. It was complicated. Every relationship is. All I remember is that my heart ached for my best friend. How do you process the death of a 15 year marriage and quite possibly your own death sentence at the same time? I still can't believe that that's the part of the story. Melissa, my jaw drops a lot with the stories that you share with me.

[Molly]

Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

But when you told me you were leaving your marriage after being diagnosed, I have to say I was like, most people go, oh, my God, I need safety, security. What do I do? And you did the direct opposite. Like, you have the opposite effect. Like the medication that's supposed to sedate your sexuality. You're like. And then you get diagnosed with stage four, and you're like, I need to leave my husband and go find out who I am. Yeah, in many ways.

[Molly]

Yeah. But you know what? But in so many ways, it was like part of me knew that that was the only way that he and I were gonna wind up having a good relationship in the end. And he's like, to this day, one of my best friends. And we talk and, you know, he has a lovely girlfriend, everything's great, like copacetic. But it's like, yeah, I just left.

[Nikki Boyer]

And in the midst of you leaving, you migrated all those. Not all of them, a lot of those relationships that were digital into the real world.

[Molly]

They did.

[Nikki Boyer]

And that is what dying for sex is all about.

[Molly]

Yeah. And all the stories and the weirdness and so. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

So cancer. You've said to me it changes you as a woman.

[Molly]

Yeah, it does. How so?

[Nikki Boyer]

I mean, besides the obvious.

[Molly]

I mean. Yeah, the obvious. It changes you as a woman. I mean, it makes you feel, like, sexually irrelevant. It makes you not want to be touched. I mean, I think intimacy is a really important part of being human. And disease and illness makes it very difficult for you to want to explore intimacy, because all of a sudden it feels like a luxury. Not A need. And I think that a lot of people don't talk about how important intimacy is, just being a person and being intimate. And, like, intimacy is different for everybody, you know, for me, it is sexual.

[Nikki Boyer]

I think death and sex are very related.

[Molly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nikki Boyer]

There's a reason why that famous scene in High Fidelity, you know, where her father dies and then they have sex. I don't know, but there's a lot of babies that are made after funerals. I can tell you that sex is.

[Molly]

About life, you know, it's about creation. And so it counters death in so many ways. And I know that, like, my sexual exploration was a way of saying, I'm not ready to die. Like, you know, fuck you, cancer. Like, you can take things away from me, but you can't take this away from me. I'm not ready for that, you know?

[Nikki Boyer]

There was no denying the one hard truth that was now hanging over Molly's every decision. She was on a ticking clock. It's why she was so determined that her next step was to explore her sexuality even deeper. She was going to leave her safe cybersex world and meet men in real life. What are you looking for? Now, obviously, you still want to be kinky. You still want to be sensual and sexy, but, like, what do you want? What are you looking for?

[Molly]

I'm looking to find someone who sees me for, like, all of that. I am. I mean, like, the cancer is something I'm going through. It's not who I am, but it is a big part of my life. And, you know, I do want to find someone who's sensual and sexual and, you know, where there's chemistry.

[Nikki Boyer]

Yeah. Does it seem like the urgency is higher, like, to find it?

[Molly]

Yeah, sometimes there's that urgency and there's an anxiety to it because you're like, you know, there are things in life that I may never get to experience in this body, and that would suck, but I'm just gonna trust that whatever does get completed is what's meant to happen.

[Nikki Boyer]

On the next episode of Dying for Sex.

[Molly]

It was one of those, like, straight out of one of those movies where, like, all of a sudden, you knew something was gonna happen. And so what he does is he opens the. The back door and he, like, you know, jerks it into the. Into the really nicely manicured lawn. Yeah, exactly.

[Nikki Boyer]

Well, we should call him. Okay.

[Molly]

Hello.

[Nikki Boyer]

Wondry is teaming up with Metavivor, an incredible charity that gives 100% of donations to metastatic breast cancer research. Join us by clicking the link in our show notes. To learn more from Wondery. This is episode one of six of Dying for Sex, a story about what you do with the time you have left. If you'd like to help us spread the word, please give us a five star review and tell your friends to subscribe. We're available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Castbox and every major listening app as well as wondery.com if you're listening on a smartphone, tap or swipe over the COVID art of this podcast. You'll find the episode notes and some offers from our sponsors. When you support our sponsors, you help us bring you our shows for free. Can't wait for more Dying for Sex. Well you can listen to ad free right now on Wondry. For a limited time we are offering a free week of Wondry. All you have to do is go to Wondery FM DFS dying for sex. Get it plus so that's Wondery FM DFSplus. You can also find the link in the episode notes. This podcast was hosted by me, Nikki Boyer, Corey Moss and Brad Godfrid of Bold Soul Studios produced the podcast recordings. This episode was written by Laura Donna Palavota and produced by Janine Cornello. Our production coordinator is Britton Perlman, sound design by James Morgan, audio assistants by Sergio Enriquez and Marcelino Villalpando. Executive producers are myself, Stephanie Jens Marshall, Louie and Hernan Lopez. For Wondry, follow Dying for Sex on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes early and ad free right now on Wondri. Start your free trial of Wondry in the Wondry app, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Before you go, tell us about [e-mail].

[Desiree]

Survey everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect for Patty. That friend was Desiree. Until one day I texted her and.

[Nikki Boyer]

She was not getting the text.

[Molly]

So I went to Instagram. She has no Instagram anymore.

[Nikki Boyer]

And Facebook. No Facebook anymore.

[Desiree]

Desiree was gone and there was one person who knew the answer.

[Molly]

I am a spiritual person, a magical.

[Desiree]

Person, a witch, a gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Kat Torres, but who was hiding a secret from Wondery. Based on my smash hit podcast From Brazil comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb.

[Nikki Boyer]

I'm calling Gin.

[Desiree]

Check on the two missing Brazilian girls.

[Nikki Boyer]

Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out.

[Molly]

They are lost.

[Desiree]

I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.