Last Memory: Linda

Summary

Ear Hustle: Last Memory: Linda

Episode Overview

In this poignant episode of Ear Hustle, hosts Nigel Poor and Earlonne Woods delve into the profound story of Linda, a long-term inmate at the California Institution for Women (CIW). Titled "Last Memory: Linda," the episode explores Linda’s final moments before her incarceration, her enduring memories, and the emotional journey the hosts undertake to connect with her past.

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Linda’s Final Moments and Last Memory

The episode opens with Linda sharing her vivid last memory before her arrest. She recounts a rainy Monday night at Mission San Luis Rey outside San Diego, where she attended a Catholic mass with her mother.

• Atmospheric Details: Linda vividly describes the sensory experiences of that night:

  • "It smelled like earth. It smelled like old straw hats that have been out in the sun too long. It smelled like leather that's been tanned in cowhide..." [01:08]
  • These descriptions set a nostalgic and melancholic tone, emphasizing the deep connection Linda feels to that memory.

• Emotional Interaction with Her Mother: Linda details the intimate yet strained interaction with her mother during the mass:

  • "My mother slides in next to me, and she connected to my shoulder... sometimes I would find my mother annoying, she'd move in closer, and then I would have to scrunch..." [02:44]
  • This dynamic illustrates the complex emotions Linda grapples with, balancing her love for her mother with personal frustrations.

• Moment of Crisis: As the mass progresses, Linda experiences an internal conflict between her ingrained religious beliefs and her impending actions:

  • "At some point, I stopped. The next time the priest says to kneel, I'm not doing that... I remember the singing was vibrating off the walls... I wasn't ready for that." [05:26]
  • This moment marks a turning point, highlighting Linda's struggle with faith and the choices that led to her incarceration.

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The Chapel Visit: A Journey to Linda’s Memory

Moved by Linda’s story, Nigel and Earlonne decide to visit Mission San Luis Rey to experience the chapel where Linda's last memory took place.

• Sensory Reflection: Upon entering the chapel, Nigel reflects on how closely the environment matches Linda’s descriptions:

  • "It has that musty smell... it feels like a safe smell... the color of soil, but slightly damp." [14:44]
  • These observations underscore the authenticity of Linda's memory and the chapel's preserved state.

• Shared Experience: The hosts sit in the pews, engaging in a meditative moment reminiscent of Linda’s account.

  • "We spent a while just smelling the smells... It felt preserved, but in a really... it's just a place that's used for what it is." [25:24]
  • This shared experience creates a tangible connection between the hosts and Linda’s past, deepening the episode's emotional impact.

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Lighting the Candle: A Symbolic Gesture

Fulfilling Linda’s request, Nigel and Earlonne proceed to light a candle in the chapel as a tribute to Linda and her journey.

• Significance of the Candle: Nigel explains the symbolism behind lighting a candle:

  • "When you light a candle, you're saying a prayer for somebody... it's a meditative and connective moment." [18:43]
  • This act serves as a gesture of remembrance and hope, bridging the gap between Linda's past and her present.

• Personal Reflections: Both hosts share personal reasons for lighting their candles, adding depth to the ritual.

  • Earlonne lights a candle for a friend in the hospital, while Nigel dedicates his candle to Linda, acknowledging her struggles and seeking solace in the act.

• Interaction with Father Lalo: After lighting the candles, the hosts encounter Father Lalo, the chapel's pastor, who offers a blessing and shares his perspective on Linda’s situation:

  • "God has created us with free will... He still loves you." [33:24]
  • Father Lalo’s insights provide a spiritual dimension to the episode, emphasizing themes of forgiveness and divine love.

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Emotional Closure and Reflections

Linda reflects on the significance of her memories and the chapel's unchanged state, finding comfort in the idea that some aspects of her past remain constant despite her long-term incarceration.

• Enduring Memories: Linda expresses the emotional weight of returning to a place that embodies her past:

  • "I'm realizing in my heart, like, I'm okay, because there's always something to go back to." [27:18]
  • This revelation highlights the enduring nature of personal memories and their role in resilience.

• Impact of the Visit: The hosts convey the profound effect of their visit on Linda, reinforcing the episode's central themes of connection, memory, and redemption.

  • "I think this person... would be angered and just oppose that... But I'm okay with that." [29:56]
  • Linda’s acceptance of her circumstances and her focus on transformation encapsulate her journey towards personal growth.

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Conclusion and Future Directions

As the episode concludes, Nigel and Earlonne share updates on their personal lives and future plans for the show, maintaining the authentic and relatable tone that Ear Hustle is known for.

• Hosts’ Personal News:

  • Earlonne announces his official pardon by Governor Gavin Newsom and the birth of his twins, bringing a celebratory tone to the episode.
  • "I have been officially pardoned... I'm the father of some new twins, a boy and a girl." [37:11]

• Upcoming Projects: The hosts tease future episodes and live tours, ensuring listeners stay engaged and look forward to more compelling stories.

  • "We are getting ready for another live tour... spending more time in New York cooking up a season of episodes about life in juvenile detention centers." [38:50]

• Final Thoughts: Linda shares a heartfelt message about her path forward and the importance of symbolic gestures in her journey.

  • "I can only go forward. And part of going forward is continuing in a transformation of who I was and who I continue to become." [29:56]

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Notable Quotes:

• "It smelled like earth. It smelled like old straw hats that have been out in the sun too long..." — Linda [01:08]

• "Sometimes I could smell even though she was in her 50s. Sometimes I could smell the scent of almost her breast milk." — Linda [02:46]

• "When you light a candle, you're saying a prayer for somebody. It can be for anyone." — Nigel Poor [18:43]

• "God has created us with free will... He still loves you." — Father Lalo [33:24]

• "I can only go forward. And part of going forward is continuing in a transformation of who I was and who I continue to become." — Linda [29:56]

---

Conclusion

"Last Memory: Linda" offers a deeply moving exploration of memory, faith, and the human capacity for change. Through Linda's heartfelt recollections and the hosts' empathetic interactions, the episode sheds light on the personal struggles faced by those incarcerated and the enduring bonds that keep them connected to their past. Ear Hustle continues to provide a raw and honest portrayal of prison life, inviting listeners to reflect on the complexities of redemption and the power of shared human experiences.

Transcript

[Earlonne Woods]

Nige. Yes, this is pretty much the last chance to help us reach RadioTopia's goal of 2024 donors before the end of the year.

[Nigel Poor]

This has been a really tough year for fundraising. As of recording this, we are just 30% of the way there so far. And e, did you know that less than 1% of listeners actually donate?

[Earlonne Woods]

Let me say this though. The money we raised during Radiotopia's fundraiser is crucial to keeping Radiotopia and Ear Hustle going. It's a tough time for independent media and podcasts and listener support is essential to what we do.

[Nigel Poor]

So we are calling on you. If you have been on the fence or you've been waiting to give, please make your gift today.

[Earlonne Woods]

And you know, every gift counts, truly. I mean, every dollar makes a difference. It all adds up. And we even have PayPal and Venmo. So it only takes a minute to donate. When you visit Radiotopia fm, donate as.

[Nigel Poor]

A small token of thanks. When you donate, you'll receive a curated list of Radiotopia producers favorite things. You know, it's kind of like a list of recommendations.

[Earlonne Woods]

Oh yeah, I gave up my favorite.

[Nigel Poor]

Chicken recipe and I recommended the place where I get my glasses.

[Earlonne Woods]

Head over to Radiotopia fm. Donate to learn more and to give whatever you're able to. We appreciate you and thank you so much.

[Linda]

Hi, I'm Katie Turner, the California program director for Poetic Justice, a community in and beyond women's prisons and jails that writes a lot of poetry. This episode of Ear Hustle contains language and content that may not be appropriate for all listeners. Discretion is advised. It smelled like earth. It smelled like old straw hats that have been out in the sun too long. It smelled like leather that's been tanned in cowhide. It smelled like old wood when you get up close to old wood that's been splitting. And it smelled like when you bend down and you put your nose to the dirt. And it smelled like the pavement when rain hits it for that first 15 minutes. And the best smell was my mother smelled like my mother.

[Nigel Poor]

What does your mom smell like?

[Linda]

Sometimes I could smell even though she was in her 50s. Sometimes I could smell the scent of almost her breast milk. That memory would come back.

[Earlonne Woods]

This is Linda. She's describing her last memory before coming to prison.

[Nigel Poor]

It takes place at Mission San Luis Rey outside of San Diego.

[Linda]

It was a rainy Monday night. I remember being cold. And there were Christmas lights too, I believe. And I remember walking into the church. There were paintings, adobe walls that are dirty, snow white. So I sit down and I slide over, and I remember people being very kind and scooting over. And I remember my jeans were a little bit wet from the rain coming in and sitting down and sliding over and kind of sticking a little bit. My mother slides in next to me, and she connected to my shoulder. It was my right shoulder. And every time I tried to move a little to the left, because sometimes I would find my mother annoying, she'd move in closer, and then I would have to scrunch, and she'd scoot in more and I'd scrunch more. And I finally gave that up. I also remember there being a lot of rosary beads. I remember the beauty of the candles and that scent coming at me. And I remember thinking, okay, I'm caught. I'm caught hearing this message. And I remember the singing. The singing was vibrating off the walls. It was bouncing off the walls, almost like the words were dancing and the music was dancing. It was beautiful and annoying at the same time because it was maybe getting to me, and I didn't want it to get to me. It was resonating with me, but I wasn't ready for that. I'm remembering right now that my mother kept trying to hold my hand. And I kept pulling it away, but she kept putting it back.

[Nigel Poor]

Did your mom know what was going to happen the next day?

[Linda]

She knew I was going to do something, but she did not know what was going to be the very next day. I was going with the formalities as the tradition of the Catholic mass. The rise and the kneel. And at some point, I stopped. At some point, I shut down. The next time the priest says to kneel, I'm not doing that. And I stopped. I remember thinking, like, there's really not a God. And that's when I feel my mother's hand on my knee, on my right knee. But I allow it. I'm allowing her to put her hand on my right knee. I'm feeling her hand, and I'm. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with her hand on my right knee. Because I know love, and I know that my mother loves me. I can still feel that.

[Nigel Poor]

When you look down and you see her hand, can you describe what her hand looked like?

[Linda]

Oh, it's beautiful.

[Nigel Poor]

Did she still have a young hand?

[Linda]

She had a mother's hand, a love hand, a hand of grace.

[Nigel Poor]

Are you older now than she was at that moment?

[Linda]

I am, yeah. She was in her 50s at that time. Yeah. So I'm, like, in this triangle with my mother's Hand on my knee and the Holy Spirit trying to embrace me. But I have this block. There's this block of unwillingness. I'm thinking, when is this going to be over? Like, when can I leave here? When is this mass gonna end? Eventually, there's a little relief because I see that we're getting to the place of communion and my mother whispers, are you going to receive communion? And I'm like, no, no, Mom, I'm not doing the communion. And I don't. I just sit back. I want to become part of the pew. I don't want to even be noticed. So I try to make myself small. And when that's over, I'm relieved when we get up and we walk out. But I remember as we pass, I remember looking at the candles and wishing that I could light a candle. But I almost feel like I can't ask to light a candle. Like I don't deserve to light that candle. So I'm not even going to ask my mom, can we stop to light a candle? I keep walking beside my mom and I walk her to her car and I just kiss her goodbye. That's the last time I see her before my arrest.

[Nigel Poor]

The way you described your mom moving over and touching you and you continuing to move away, do you still remember the feeling of that?

[Linda]

Oh, yeah.

[Nigel Poor]

What would you give now to have that her try to move up close to you now?

[Linda]

I'd give up my freedom.

[Nigel Poor]

Sorry. I totally get what you're saying.

[Linda]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Earlonne Woods]

I'm Earlonne Woods.

[Nigel Poor]

I'm Nigel Poor and this is ear hustle from PRX's Radiotopia.

[Earlonne Woods]

Linda is incarcerated at the California Institution for Women. She's serving a life sentence for the murder of her ex boyfriend.

[Nigel Poor]

It's been 37 years since Linda sat with her mother in that chapel at Mission San Luis. Reynolds and Earlonne, you and I, we're going to go see that chapel for ourselves. If we can go there. What would you want us to do once we get there?

[Linda]

Just touch the wall and just feel what resonates for you and what you would take away from that chapel and then what you connect with and how that place would affect you. Because I believe that when your feet touch that soil, that something's going to resonate for you as it did for me. Maybe a little too late for me, but it still did.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay, this is my last question for you. Think really carefully before you answer this. When we go to the mission, I want to light a candle. Who should it be for? Who in your deepest heart Needs to have a candle lit for them. Okay. After that long pause, Linda gave us a name. And just then, something very weird happened with the lights. What?

[Linda]

Oh, that was meaningful to me.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. So the lights just about went out and flickered and then came back.

[Earlonne Woods]

All right, so the plan was that after we talked to Linda about her last memory, we go to the spot where that memory took place and have.

[Nigel Poor]

Her memory sort of guide us through it. Try to see that place through her memory.

[Earlonne Woods]

Okay, so the mission here is trying to find a small parish.

[Nigel Poor]

Yep. And go inside and light a candle. Linda told us that her memory took place not at the main mission, which is a big church that seats, I don't know, a couple hundred people, but at a smaller kind of side chapel.

[Earlonne Woods]

So that's what we were looking for.

[Nigel Poor]

It's kind of like an adobe color building. A beige building, but nice beige. Not the ugly subdivision of beige.

[Earlonne Woods]

Adobe. Is that a color?

[Nigel Poor]

I think it's adobe beige. I don't know.

[Earlonne Woods]

See, I learned stuff messing with Nigel.

[Nigel Poor]

I might not be right. Let's go find a paint chip later and see if I'm right. And that's when you got pretty distracted by those koi fish.

[Earlonne Woods]

Nigel, you see the big koi?

[Nigel Poor]

Those are big.

[Earlonne Woods]

I've never seen koi fish that big.

[Nigel Poor]

Oh, my God. They're like the size of a toddler.

[Earlonne Woods]

Or do you think they fake? Are they moving? Oh, no, they move.

[Linda]

Oh, look at.

[Nigel Poor]

There's turtles. Do you see the turtles?

[Earlonne Woods]

Oh, yeah.

[Nigel Poor]

Well, they're appropriate to have St. Francis there. How are you? Is it possible to go in the chapel?

[Linda]

Yes, you can enter for right here.

[Isma Chavez]

And he can help you out.

[Nigel Poor]

Oh, okay. Oh, thank you.

[Earlonne Woods]

Okay, cool.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay. We were at the wrong entrance. We got into the building where the chapel supposedly was, but all we could see was this really long hallway lined with doors to different offices.

[Earlonne Woods]

Associate pastor bereavement planning. Why are you walking so slow?

[Nigel Poor]

Cause you guys are walking slow.

[Earlonne Woods]

Oh, you leading.

[Nigel Poor]

I was getting irritated. You guys were walking so slow.

[Earlonne Woods]

You the one leading, Nigel.

[Nigel Poor]

Step on it, Nigel.

[Earlonne Woods]

Parish chapel is down this way.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay.

[Earlonne Woods]

Finally, we walked into the chapel, the same one where Linda had sat with her mom 37 years ago.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay.

[Earlonne Woods]

First thing I wanna ask you.

[Nigel Poor]

Uh huh.

[Earlonne Woods]

Did she get the smells right?

[Nigel Poor]

So it's. It has that musty smell that she was talking about, that there's a real dampness to it. It smells a little bit like, to me, like an attic or a basement. A place that isn't used a lot. It's very quiet. It's dark. It smells like an old drawer that you open up that has the paper on the bottom and there hasn't been anything in it for a while. It's definitely musty, but there's also something welcoming about it. It feels like a safe smell. If I thought about it in terms of color, it's the color of soil, but, like, slightly damp soil.

[Earlonne Woods]

Do you smell the candles?

[Nigel Poor]

I don't smell the candles yet. Do you smell the candles?

[Earlonne Woods]

I smell more of an oil.

[Nigel Poor]

Mm. Tell me more.

[Earlonne Woods]

No, I just smell like a oil musk type.

[Nigel Poor]

I can smell that. Now that you say, it is interesting that hearing someone else's response can help you smell something that you missed.

[Earlonne Woods]

I have another question.

[Linda]

Yeah.

[Earlonne Woods]

How did she remember them smells 37 years later?

[Nigel Poor]

I think because it was a monumental evening for her. Right. It was transformative. You want to walk towards the pulpit and see what smells we get up there.

[Earlonne Woods]

Okay.

[Nigel Poor]

The pulpit and the flowers here are old.

[Earlonne Woods]

I smell them now.

[Nigel Poor]

Oh, yeah. You can really smell them.

[Earlonne Woods]

I wonder what the numbers are. Bingo.

[Nigel Poor]

Those are the numbers for hymns. Oh, yeah.

[Earlonne Woods]

We walked over and sat down in a pew.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. And we were expecting, like, this quiet, kind of meditative moment. But remember Earlonne? As soon as we sat down, someone stirred a leaf blower right outside the chapel.

[Earlonne Woods]

Oh, yeah.

[Nigel Poor]

Let's sit in one of the pews. Because she talked about how important it was.

[Earlonne Woods]

Which one you think she said?

[Linda]

I don't know.

[Nigel Poor]

But she talked about being stuck on the pews and how it was hard to. To move, which tells me that they've now upholstered them, because when she talked about them, they were just wood. Actually, you know what? I want to look up these hymns and see if there's any correlation.

[Earlonne Woods]

Nah, I just added. Let me hold your mic.

[Nigel Poor]

Oh, no, I'm not going to sing.

[Earlonne Woods]

You're the first verse.

[Nigel Poor]

Oh, Lord, you are at the center of my life. I will always praise you. I will always serve you. I will always keep you in my sight.

[Earlonne Woods]

So she came to this place, but stayed on the same course.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. Yeah. And do you remember she said her mom kept trying to push up against her?

[Earlonne Woods]

Oh, was she?

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. And then she kept trying to pull away. And. And I am so curious. We'll never know what was going through her mom's thoughts at the time, if she knew what the bad situation her daughter was in.

[Earlonne Woods]

I wonder what was going through Linda's thoughts at the time when she was sitting here. Like, was she sitting here thinking about carrying it out? Was she sitting here Thinking about something.

[Nigel Poor]

Stopping her from doing what she was going to do.

[Earlonne Woods]

I don't think nothing was gonna stop her.

[Nigel Poor]

Before we left, there was one more thing to do. Light that candle for Linda.

[Earlonne Woods]

So let me ask this. What is the purpose of lighting a candle?

[Nigel Poor]

Okay, so I didn't grow up Catholic, but my understanding is that when you light a candle, you're saying a prayer for somebody. And it can be for anyone. Someone who's gone, someone who's still around. And to me, the idea is that you're having a meditative and connective moment with whoever you're thinking about.

[Earlonne Woods]

So I'm lighting this for a friend of mine who's in the hospital right now. He's in a coma at the moment. So I'm gonna light this and hope that he gets. Wish you well, my brother. Your turn, Nigel.

[Nigel Poor]

I told Linda that I would come here and light a candle for a person, and I'm going to prefer to not say who she asked me to light it for. But in my heart, I will know who it was for, and she will know that I did it. So I just want to be here for a few quiet moments and think about the request and think about the person I'm lighting the candle for, and then I'll light the candle. Okay. Linda, I lit the candle for you. I did what I promised you I would do. Okay.

[Earlonne Woods]

After the break, we'll go back to the California Institution for Women and see Linda again.

[Nigel Poor]

So how's your holiday shopping going, Earlonne?

[Earlonne Woods]

This year, I might just give folks the gift of me in person. Does togetherness count as a gift?

[Nigel Poor]

Sure, sure.

[Earlonne Woods]

You're a little skeptical, Nigel.

[Nigel Poor]

Well, I do get to spend a lot of time with you all the time, so I'm looking for something different. But if you need a little bit more than that, here's an idea. You can give them a year of learning with Masterclass.

[Earlonne Woods]

Masterclass is the only streaming platform where you can learn and grow with over 200 of the world's best.

[Nigel Poor]

That's why Wirecutter calls it an invaluable gift. And Earlonne. Did you know that you can learn from Masterclass anywhere? Like on your phone, computer, smart tv, and you can even use it in audio mode, which I think means you can listen while you're driving.

[Earlonne Woods]

I've been checking out this one by the photographer JR who, who did this cool project at a Tehachapi prison in California. I also been looking at Issa Rae, Spike Lee, and oh, boy from Happy Days, Ron Howard.

[Nigel Poor]

Nice, Earlonne. I Hope this doesn't shock you, but the next class I want to take is John Douglas talking about how to think like an FBI profiler. Does that sound exciting?

[Earlonne Woods]

Hmm.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay, if you don't take that one. I'm also super excited about one of my favorite authors, Margaret Atwood. I couldn't believe when I saw that she was teaching a class.

[Earlonne Woods]

Oh, that's what's up.

[Nigel Poor]

There's so many choices. And plus there's absolutely no risk because every new membership comes with a 30 day money back guarantee for a gift.

[Earlonne Woods]

That'S always on time and lasts a lifetime. Give a year of learning with Masterclass.

[Nigel Poor]

Masterclass always has great offers during the holidays, Sometimes up to as much as 50% off. Head over to masterclass.com earhustle for the current offer.

[Earlonne Woods]

That's up to 50% [e-mail] earhustle masterclass.com your hustle. The day after you and I visited the chapel at San Luis Rey, we went back to ciw.

[Nigel Poor]

We wanted to catch up with Linda and tell her what we had found there. So we told you that we were gonna go to the mission.

[Linda]

You did?

[Nigel Poor]

Yes. And that's what we did yesterday.

[Linda]

Just yesterday.

[Earlonne Woods]

Just yesterday.

[Nigel Poor]

Just yesterday.

[Linda]

Wow.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. So it's very fresh.

[Earlonne Woods]

I have to tell you what I remember from it. I don't know if they had this. Then they have a lake there. Not a lake, but like a pond with a gang of koi fish.

[Nigel Poor]

Oh, there's carpet there.

[Earlonne Woods]

They got big old koi in there. And the koi fish was so huge. I've never seen koi fish that big. Like they was on steroids. They were humongous. And I was like, wow, this is very huge. Look at them.

[Nigel Poor]

Fish Earlonne. You were clearly fascinated by those little buggers or big buggers.

[Earlonne Woods]

You know, I've always seen the little ones on tv.

[Nigel Poor]

But I mean, as charming as your fascination was, that wasn't really what we came to report back to Linda. So we got there mid morning and there weren't that many people there. And we knew you had described going to the chapel, so we went to find the chapel. Do you know how to get into the chapel? Oh, you go through the office. We finally found our way in. If you remember. You walk down a hallway.

[Earlonne Woods]

Why are you walking so slow?

[Nigel Poor]

Because you guys are walking slow. And then when you turn it all of a sudden gets quite dark. And there's two doors and you can see through those two doors the stained glass of the crucifixion. And that's what lights? The chapel. Does this sound familiar?

[Linda]

It sounds familiar. So it sounds a little unchanged. I'm getting really emotional. I can feel your actual presence and the connection to your being there yesterday.

[Nigel Poor]

I'm suspecting it's changed very little since you were there 37 years ago. And when we walked into the chapel, we were fortunate there was nobody else. So we were able to be in there alone. And it was very quiet. We sat in the pews. We spent a while just smelling the smells. I don't smell the candles yet. Do you smell the candles?

[Earlonne Woods]

I smell more of an oil.

[Nigel Poor]

And it smelled like all those things that you said, you know, it smelled like wet soil and hot materials that had been sitting in the sun. So all of those things were really present, which made me think, this place has not, as I said, has not changed in a long time. It felt preserved, but in a really. Not in an intentional way. Like it's just a place that's used for what it is, and it doesn't have to keep up with the times because it fulfills its function as it was made to when it was built. We walked around, we touched things. The only thing I think may have changed is when you told me the story. This is one of the things I remembered very clearly was you talking about sitting on the pew and the way your skin kind of sticks to the wood.

[Linda]

Oh, yeah, the dirty wood.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. So they had cushions on them now. But that was. That was. I'm not going to call it a disappointment, but that was one of the experiences I was wanting to have of that sticking to the wood. And that was the only. That was the only experience I didn't get to have from the way you described being there. But everything else felt like we were seeing it through the way you described it.

[Linda]

Was that pretty accurate? Did I remember it pretty much?

[Nigel Poor]

Very much. Through. Yeah, through the senses. You remembered it beautifully. Through the senses. It felt like stepping back to my childhood.

[Linda]

There's significance in that. When you said, it's changed very little. Oh, I'm getting emotional again. And the significance for me, excuse me, for someone who has served almost four decades, is that I always assumed at some point that when I was released from incarceration that I would get to return to something that I would remember, something that I had been to before, something that. That I had left behind. But recently, the family home where my father had lived had to go up for sale. And I wanted to be able to at least go there one last time and to touch base with the hardwood floor, to Touch something familiar to get that smell and that scent back. So when you just said that it's unchanged, that was such a gift for me. I'm realizing in my heart, like, I'm okay, because there's always something to go back to.

[Nigel Poor]

So after sitting there for a while and talking about how we were feeling, we slowly moved our way down to the front of the chapel. Okay. We're walking towards the pulpit, and if you remember, there's candles on both sides. You may remember this.

[Linda]

I do remember.

[Nigel Poor]

And then there's the. What do they call the.

[Linda]

The altar.

[Nigel Poor]

The altar. You know, it was in the center. So Earlonne went to one side to light a candle, and I went to the other side to light a candle. Do you want to go light the candle and then I'll go light one?

[Earlonne Woods]

Sure.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay. I'm going to give you this. Then I meditated on it and thought about who this person might be and why you selected that person and quietly lit the candle. So I just want to be here for a few quiet moments and think about the request and think about the person I'm lighting the candle for. What do you think this person would. How they would respond if they knew that someone they didn't know was lighting a candle for them based on this situation?

[Linda]

I think this person, if this person knew that I had asked this be done, would be angered and just oppose that. But I'm okay with that. I've been incarcerated a very long time, and I can't undo what I've done. I can only go forward. And part of going forward is continuing in a transformation of who I was and who I continue to become.

[Earlonne Woods]

Would it unintentionally manifest into harm to the person?

[Linda]

No, it's not meant for harm.

[Nigel Poor]

I thought a lot about, you know, who I was lighting the candle for, and I don't know if somebody looked into my heart and they could see who it was lit for. I knew what my intention was, but I think ultimately I was lighting it for you.

[Linda]

No, but thank you.

[Nigel Poor]

Maybe it was a candle for loss in general and deep sadness that can barely be expressed and regret and the pain of figuring out how to live. So I think it was for a lot of things. Even though ostensibly it was fulfilling this request that you had, it seemed like a very monumental thing this little flame was doing that maybe can't never be completely described to anyone. Maybe you and I are the only people who really understand what happened at that moment, even though you weren't there. So it was a very powerful and curious experience to have, and I'm grateful for it.

[Linda]

Thank you for doing that. And thank you for describing the. The flame as being monumental. I think as the creator of great suffering, that the significance of lighting one flame to try to ease that suffering in some capacity is just such a tiny, insignificant, symbolic gesture. But it's been done.

[Nigel Poor]

So, you know, after we lit the candle, we had packed up our equipment and we were walking down the hallway to leave the chapel, and then coming towards us was one of the Fathers that works there. And he had on that traditional, you know, Franciscan brown robe and sandals, like out of a completely different century.

[Father Lalo]

Yeah, because I'm the pastor, I don't know what you're doing here.

[Nigel Poor]

Okay.

[Father Lalo]

I said, I'm the last one to know what happened here.

[Nigel Poor]

I think maybe you'll find this interesting. So we explained to him what we were doing and we told him our project and that we were coming here to light a candle for you. And I mean, I didn't give him details of the crime because I don't really know them, but I told them that you had been there with your mother.

[Father Lalo]

So let me understand, because I don't. So the day before she committed the crime, she came here to pray in the chapel here.

[Nigel Poor]

Specifically, she came to this chapel.

[Father Lalo]

Now she's currently in prison right now.

[Nigel Poor]

She's been in prison for 37 years.

[Father Lalo]

For 37 years.

[Nigel Poor]

So, Earlonne, remember I asked him what he thought God was doing when Linda was there struggling. Right.

[Father Lalo]

I think he was with her and he was sad of the decision that she was thinking to make, but he still loved her. Why he didn't intervene? That's the question. Well, because God has created us with free willing. That's a gift. He wants us to embrace his love freely. He doesn't want robots. This means not less. When you're doing bad things, he still love you. He doesn't love the action that you had done, but he's still with you.

[Nigel Poor]

So thank you.

[Father Lalo]

Thank you for being here. Thank you for. Especially thank you for this nice gesture. I think that's gonna be meaningful. I don't know if you are believers or not, but at least she is. And to do something for her is something that very, you know, very something from God. Yeah, I think she will appreciate it a lot. And what her name, maybe I would. I would like to pray for her.

[Nigel Poor]

Her name is Linda.

[Father Lalo]

Linda. Okay, easy to remember. Okay, so tell Linda the Franciscans here that we are going to keep her in our prayers. That's Linda.

[Earlonne Woods]

Father Lalo.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah. Father Lalo.

[Linda]

Lalo.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah.

[Linda]

Father Lalo. Yeah. He's absolutely right. And I knew that sitting in the pew. That's why I said I was conflicted.

[Nigel Poor]

It was funny when we were talking about spiritual things, he always had. He had his hands crossed, like his chest, like from out of a painting. He was praying.

[Linda]

Oh, he was praying.

[Nigel Poor]

I hope you feel his prayers if you believe in those things.

[Linda]

I do. I didn't at the time. I was still at that crossroad. I was very much at that crossroad.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah.

[Linda]

Yeah.

[Earlonne Woods]

What do you think? You know, had you sat in that pew and listened, where would you be today?

[Linda]

I would be out there functioning. And my victim certainly would be alive today. Wherever he would be in life, whatever position he would be in life, he would be alive.

[Earlonne Woods]

Nige, this is the last episode of the season.

[Nigel Poor]

Yes. But let's be clear. That does not mean we are disappearing. There's going to be a bunch of stuff in the feed over the next couple months. Like, for example, we've been working on these things called sleeper episodes, where people on the team go back and they select one of their kind of favorite episodes and they kind of dissect it and talk about what worked, what were some of the challenges of it, what surprised them. They're super fun to do.

[Earlonne Woods]

So it's a behind the scenes.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah, behind the scenes, exactly.

[Earlonne Woods]

So I would say, you know, y'all should tune in and definitely listen to it, because it's gonna be dope.

[Nigel Poor]

And Earlonne, there's been some big news in your life. So do you wanna tell listeners what you've been up to?

[Earlonne Woods]

Yes, there's been some great news in my life. I'm gonna start off with one. I have been, you know, first I was commuted. Now I've been officially pardoned by Governor Gavin Newsom of California, which is a big step in my life.

[Nigel Poor]

Yeah, absolutely. And you know what makes me excited about it?

[Earlonne Woods]

What's that?

[Nigel Poor]

You know, we can finally do the TSA pre check line. Oh. Travel. When we go to the airport, we don't have to be separated.

[Earlonne Woods]

Yeah. You don't like when I embarrass you, huh?

[Nigel Poor]

You mean when you yell out?

[Earlonne Woods]

That's what privilege look like, huh? That line over there is the privilege line, Nigel. I just want to move over here with the common folks.

[Nigel Poor]

Well, I'm looking forward to sharing that privilege with you on our next trip.

[Earlonne Woods]

And some other news is, you know, my hands have been with what? Due to the fact that I am the father of some new twins, a boy And a girl.

[Nigel Poor]

Does one fit in each hand, huh?

[Earlonne Woods]

Yes. Like a football. Like, I got two footballs running down the thing, but they're precious, you know, so, you know, I could definitely say this, Nigel, this break comes at a great time.

[Nigel Poor]

Yes, it does. Well, in the meantime, we've also got some exciting stuff that's gonna be coming up for the show. One, we are getting ready for another live tour.

[Earlonne Woods]

Yeah. 2025.

[Nigel Poor]

Yep. And we're going to be going to a bunch of cities that we missed on the last tour, and it's going to be super fun. I mean, do you remember how great that was?

[Earlonne Woods]

That was hella fun.

[Nigel Poor]

I know.

[Earlonne Woods]

And we're also spending more time in New York cooking up a season of episodes about life in juvenile detention centers out there.

[Nigel Poor]

Yep. So there is a lot going on for the Ear Hustle team. So we really want to thank all of you listeners out there for sticking with us. It's so much fun reading your emails and your comments on social. You all are a big part of our season.

[Earlonne Woods]

What y'all don't probably know about me and Nigel is we scan through them comments, we look about what you know, to see what y'all talking about, see how we're impacting, see what we can talk about, see what your suggestions are. You know, we read all that shit. I'm telling y'all don't know, but we do.

[Nigel Poor]

Well, that's what's so great about doing the live tours, is we actually get to meet a lot of people who listen. And that is golden.

[Earlonne Woods]

Yes, it is very golden. So thanks again, listeners. We really appreciate you. Really do.

[Isma Chavez]

Hi, I'm Isma Chavez and I'm working from home. Ear Hustle is produced by Nigel Hoare, Earlonne Wood, Amy Standen, Bruce Wallace, Rahsaan, New York. Thomas and Pat Shutnak. Shabnam Sigman is a managing producer. The producing team, Inside Van Quitten, includes Darrell Sadiq Davis, Tony Detrinidas and Tom Nguyen. The inside managing producer is Tony Sefoya. Thanks also to Aristel Sampablo. Thanks to Acting warden Andy and Lt. Barry at San Quentin and Acting Warden Parker at the colorful California Institution for Women for their support of the show. Also thanks to this guy here.

[Nigel Poor]

I am Lieutenant William Newborg, Public Information Officer here at ciw, and I approve this episode and many more episodes to come.

[Isma Chavez]

This episode was made possible by the Just Trust Building, a smaller, more humane engine of justice and safety across the country.

[Nigel Poor]

Bruce Wallace and Earlonne woods sound designed and engineered this episode with help from Fernando Arruda, Harry Cohane and Darrell Siddiq Davis.

[Earlonne Woods]

Music for this episode comes from David Jasse, Antwan Banks Williams, Bruce Wallace, Darrell Siddiq Davis and me.

[Nigel Poor]

For more information about this episode, check out our show notes on Ear Hustle's website, earhustlesq.com youm can find us on.

[Earlonne Woods]

Social media, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube @earhustlesq and on our website where guess what? We've got new merch.

[Nigel Poor]

I'm so excited. There is really cool stuff there so please check it out and if you're.

[Earlonne Woods]

Not already, follow and review Ear Hustle on any of your favorite podcast apps like Apple podcasts, Spotify and iHeartRadio. We love them.

[Nigel Poor]

Comments Ear Hustle is a proud member of Radiotopia from prx, a network of independent, creator owned, listener supported podcasts.

[Earlonne Woods]

Discover audio with vision at Radiotopia fm.

[Nigel Poor]

I'm Nigel Poor.

[Earlonne Woods]

I'm Earlonne Woods. Thanks for listening.

[Nigel Poor]

What's the name of the thing?

[Linda]

Hustle.

[Nigel Poor]

Ear Hustle. Ear Hustle. Is this a Catholic thing? Yeah. No Catholic program? No, not at all.

[Earlonne Woods]

Why are you here?

[Nigel Poor]

Radiotopia from PRX.